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Dad is 86 has two forms of cancer. He is currently in the hospital for second time this summer. First for septi this time thought he was having a heart attack. After being in rehab for a month he returned home and it was Hell. Dealing with poop up to my elbows, him calling my name every 20/ 30 mins. He was only home a week before this last trip to hospital. Well we were not getting along so well but nothing out of the ordinary. Next thing I know APS at my door. From what I can tell sounds like he was feeling sorry for himself and saying what a great guy he is and can't understand why we don't like him. We love him but are all exhausted. The hospital wants to put him into rehab but he is fighting it saying he'll go to a hotel and have therapy come to him. ( he can't care for himself) I told his worker I just want what's best for him. But everything is about money to him. I myself have a bad back now due to careing for him. My husband has injured himself lifing him and he dosnt even seem to care. My kids don't bring friends over anymore, heck they stay upstairs most of the time. We stopped eating dinner as a family I think my family got tired of him calling for me all during dinner. He's not calling for me for anything urgent more like he lost the TV remote. I love him and just want to be his daughter not caregiver anymore. What do I do when rehab wants to release him back to me? I'm afraid I'm losing my family by careing for him. He has dementia but plays it off very well. Oh and let's throw felling guilty in the mix. I'm just feeling lost and feel I've know where to turn for help. He has people looking out for him but what about us caregivers who do we have? I know I probly sound all over the place but I haven't had a good nights sleep in months I'm 50 and just not seeing a light. Any suggestions or encougent is greatly appreciated. From a person at the end of the rope.

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When two kind of cancer are the LEAST of someone's problems - from your description he is immobile and incontinent of bowel and has the judgement and empathy of a badly spoiled 2 1/2 year old. WHAT is really happening with him, and why is he not qualified for Hospice?

Screw the guilt. It is unmerited, and that could be the understatement of the year. His illnesses are NOT your fault. He does NOT grasp what is best for himself OR for his family, and however emotionally difficult it may be for you to take the burden onto your shoulders, he cannot be left to call the shots anymore. Glad the APS worker sound like he or she understood the situation and will be your ally in this. Not easy. Do the best you can to get info on all your options for Dad's care, and decide with both head and heart in the game what really matters most at this difficult time.
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Can't serve two masters. You already know what needs to be done, but the thought of the fallout -- especially the guilt -- is renting too much space in your head. Make your position clear. He's lucid enough to understand your family comes first. Let the chips fall where they may, and don't apologize. You've done enough, and your family has had enough.
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I agree that this isn't a situation which you can tolerate at home. He needs care where there are sufficient people who can deal with his behavioral as well as medical problems.

Please don't feel guilty about finding a facility for him; you've gone well beyond anything a person can tolerate.

Now that he's in the hospital, work with the discharge planner as Babalou suggests to ensure that a placement is found and he doesn't come home.

But remember, he likely has little recognition of how he's behaving, and at this stage, it's not the same father you've known for years. Disease has changed him, and you're doing the best you can for that person.
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Does he realize that Medicare will pay for rehab (or is it too soon after last hospitalization ? ) Lie. Tell him it's being paid for, even if it's not. And do look into Hospice .
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If he's currently in the hospital, go have a talk with the discharge planners at the hospital. You can no longer care for him by yourself. You either need someone coming in several times a week to give you respite or he needs to be in a snf. I don't think many non professional caregivers can handle a parent who is incontinent of bowel.
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Your Dad needs to be in a skilled nursing care facility or possibly hospice. You situation at home is impossible to sustain. If he won't go voluntarily call APS Or 911. Explain that you cannot handle his care at home. If he goes to the ER do not let them bring him home. Talk to the social worker at the hospital about placing him.
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