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Did you ever imagine yourself in this position? My father is 94 and my mother is 74 things weren't too bad until 6 years ago. My father lost his vision to macular degeneration so that meant no more driving. My mother had given up driving about 15 years ago. My father's idea move in together so for 6 years I have been the caregiver for them both. It got worse when my father broke his leg, and my mother had a stroke in the same month. Between hospital,therapy and doctors I have to be the ears for both of them because my mother just doesn't get it she's in denial and very negative. She hates everything, blames me for starting the doctors and having to take pills, she had never been on medication before. Constantly blaming my father for the "mess" we are in. She is unable to make decisions on her own. My father has an excuse he's 94 but she hadn't been to a doctor for 34 years and hasn't gone to the dentist her teeth are really bad, doesn't have a social life, I have offered to take her to the senior center she says thats where the "old Bitties" are. She sits here day after day and hates everything. I do my best to bite my tongue but I defend myself when she blames me for her health. Its hard to have a decent conversation because it always turns out in an argument. I have a husband whom she doesn't like and we have two teenage sons who won't have very fond memories of their grandma. I explain to my father that I am doing the best I can caregiving doesn't come with instructions.

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Your mom won't change. She'll continue to get more negative. If something needs to be changed you will have to be the one to do it. I know that's harsh but it's true. Someone her age who is so negative and unpleasant reaps what they sow and instead of thinking, "Wow, this isn't really working for me, I don't like this about myself" like we would, they just keep plowing through life with their dysfuction and when things are unpleasant for them because of that dysfuction they blame others and become more negative.

We might have the power to change someone's mind but not who they are. I'm sorry you have to care for both parents at the same time. That's particularly rough. Your mom sounds very toxic which makes things so much more difficult for you. Do you have siblings who can step in from time to time, let you get away for a few hours or just to take a nap?
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My parents never did anything for me. I put myself through night school. I worked 2 & 3 jobs at times to make ends meet. By this time in my life I thought I would be out skiing, golfing, biking, travelling, hiking, etc. Instead both of my divorced, destitute parents (who both squandered their own money ) threw themselves on me.
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Gigi, My prayers are with you I always tell my Dad that things could be worse. And I have told my Mom you make of life what you put into it. The negative behavior started over 18 years ago it just escalates year after year. I think part of my Mom's problem was when I left home she didn't really get involved in a outside job or hobbie. They were always moving by their choice and that meant new drs.,hair dressers etc. but you should know this when you move. I know her decision to stop driving was a bad choice know she's unhappy with it but won't own up to it. She says she never expected my Dad to live this long. Well most wives would not want their husbands to die. My husband understands what this does to me. I am an only child. My Dad has two children but they are not in the picture. Decor426
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Wow. You are in a tough position. I understand what you are going through. I care for both my mom and dad, 72 and 76, in my home after a bad auto accident left them unable to care for themselves anymore. They both suffered head injuries and survived life support. It has not been easy. They look like they are my parents, but especially my dad, it's not the same. It is really hard. I've been caring for them since the accident almost 3 years ago, and am looking into options for dad. But it is killing me. I really just wish that they would be okay and go back to being my mom and dad. I am really having a hard time of it on most days. I am so sorry that your mom is blaming you. She needs to understand that if she lives her life blaming others, then she is not living. She needs to embrace the life she does have. It's all she's got, which is more than what others may have. Has she always been negative?
I also have two teenage sons, they are actually my husband's boys, that live with us. I haven't had any of my own yet and my only sibling and I never talk as she doesn't help with our parents, so I kinda miss out on the neice/nephew relationships. All that makes it hard as I sometimes wonder if I am all that's left of my family. Thank God my husband is there for me. Hope and pray that you have a supportive hubby. It helps. You must be so tired. Wish I had good advice, but I am just now muddling through it as well. Hang in there - and don't lose your life in the midst of it. ~Gigi
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