Hi all, I'm just looking for some advice from anyone who has been through this type of thing. My father-in-law is verbally abusive, non-mobile, and in dire need of assisted living. He refuses to leave his home. We've hired a caregiver who's just awful. She takes money from him to the tune of hundreds per week on dinners and Costco runs and then lies to my husband about it. Dad can't walk at all suddenly, so he pees into a bottle (not making this up), and husband is now travelling up to NJ (we live in MD) to see if he can rig something up so Dad can poop in his chair. Yes, you read that right. I feel like I'm the only sane person in this scenario. My husband has dealt with Dad's abuse for years (wasn't raised by him but is now taking care of him from afar). I must assume he just can't stand up to him. So, this man would rather poop in his chair than let a professional take care of him. I honestly don't know what to do. When I talk to my husband about it, I come off sounding judgmental and I can see my husband shutting down. I think he probably hides things from me now. Do I just let these people go on their merry way? Does anyone have advice on how we can make Dad see reason and go to a place where he can be taken care of? If there's even a place that will take him. He's so verbally abusive that we're afraid he'll get kicked out of anyplace we find for him. Anyone go through anything similar?
I guess your husband thinks that if he does all this for his father, his father will then show him love...it does not work that way, Yes, I agree your husband has no backbone when it comes to his father, disfunctional at it's best.
Set your boundaries, FIL cannot move into your home, and you, IMO, should back off, don't participate in all this craziness.
Good Luck!
BACK OFF.
Do not help FIL (dad)
And do not let your husband bring him into your home.
You can not "make him" or "force him" to Assisted Living if he has not been declared incompetent.
You can however report him to APS as a vulnerable, disabled senior. They will follow up and if they determine that he can not care for himself if no one is his POA and no one wants that responsibility they will have the Court appoint one. If he improves to the point where he can care for himself the court appointed guardianship will cease.
And most of all--MOST OF ALL-- be certain hubby knows that bringing Dad into your own home would be a deal breaker. If you continue as you are that is where this will all lead. If you think you are anxious now, just wait.
Back away, make it clear the day Dad enters your home is the day you exit it, and get your finances together so you have your OWN MONEY to make that exit, as you may need to.
Not everything can be fixed. Esp by a DIL. So back away and I wish you the best.
You can suggest to your husband the question: "if a friend told you he was going to rig something up so that his elderly parent can open his bowels in his armchair - instead of accepting professional support with mobility, skin integrity and personal care - what would you say to him? Or would you just wait to read about it in the local newspaper?"
If push comes to shove, for the old man's protection as well as your DH's, there is always the APS report option. FIL would probably tell APS to get knotted. If so, you then point out to DH that they know what they're doing and he should let them do their job.
The main point - I don't know your DH so I don't know how forceful you can be with him about this - is that DH's enabling of his impossible father is putting *his father* at risk. It will probably only be by standing back and letting the chips fall that DH can really help him.