Husband was very verbal abusive for years. He had a open heart surg. 1995.. Been sick ever since. He ran out on me and partied and I excused it for a very long time. Thinking I will make it work out only to find him too sick to even live life now. He is used to me catering to him and its my own fault. I am burnt out and want to move on. I am 68 years old still have life and willpower in me. He is with a walker now, he hasn't had desire to leave apt for 6 months. Lived here for 2 and a half years he has only been out at least 10 times. He sits and watches tv from 8 am to 8 pm. He can get up and go to bathroom and bed. He had never attempted to go in any room or kitchen not once. I want to leave and start a life of my own but not knowing what to even do.. Been married 37 years. If I walk out he cannot make it.. Family will not help ???? Any ideas ~

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I read your previous posts. People suggested that you find a NH for him. He is now too much care for you. You need to go personnally make an appt with Medicaid and take your finances with you. All assets you have. Being the Community spouse you will not be left impoverished. Assets will be split and husbands part will need to be spent down. Thiscway you don't have to leave, he does and you don't have to visit. The problem would be getting him there. If he happens to have a hospital stay with rehab you can have him evaluated while at rehab for LTC. If LTC is attached to rehab its just a transfer over. But in the meantime talk to Medicaid. Otherwise, you are going to have to go to lawyer to help you split your assets and then you move out and divorce him.
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I feel he broke the vows years ago. So Why should I worry about vows when it comes to living life happy. Done all what a wife possibly can do since 1995.. Cannot go any further now. And I don't want to ,,he is paying for his mistakes. I decided not to pay them for him .Sounds coldhearted but I have been through enough with this man 1
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Wedding vows=prison sentence? Um, sorry. That’s a big nope.
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I was married to my ex for 30 years. He has depression and stayed in bed any chance he could for 20+ hours at a time. He didn't want to go out nor have anyone come to visit. He played with model trains in a spare bedroom. That was my life.

Something happened to my attitude at menopause. I went to see a counselor because I didn't know if I wanted to be married anymore. She told me something I've never forgotten. She said, "You've been married for 30 years (20-50 yrs old), look back on those years. Now, look ahead 30 years (I'd be 80), do you want to have the same life that you had for the last 30 years for the NEXT 30 years?" The words that came flying out of my mouth were "Oh, h*ll, no!" It even surprised me. She said, "I think you have your answer."

I think you've come to the same conclusion. I left everything behind so I wouldn't upset my son and my ex. My ex has no organizational skills and I took care of everything. I really wondered if he could make it but, that wasn't my problem. I HAD to leave. I'm glad I did and I've never looked back. He and I are friends now and I am remarried to someone who enjoys life.

Does your husband have a social worker that he works with? Or a doctor that can refer him to assisted living? Visit your local Senior Center and check out what services would be available for him. If he has less than $2000. in the bank and makes less than $1400./month, he can qualify for Medi-Cal/Medicaid. They will pay for a nursing home or other care. You can do the footwork for him, give him the information but his future isn't your problem.

For you, I would also check the Senior Options booklet or information at the Senior Center or the Area on Aging as to what's available for you (senior apartment, food stamps, etc.)

Only someone that's been in your shoes can understand where you stand. Don't let others talk you out of your decision. Leaving my ex was the best decision I ever made. I am "living" again.

Good luck to you.
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Can I ask why you feel obligated to care for this man, other than the fact that you at one time took vows that he hasn’t honored? Go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Depending on your state, you shouldn’t be left penniless. Then find Section 8 housing and apply for an apartment. You’ll pay 30% of yiur income.

You're going to have to take the initiative in this. If you leave and the other family members are notified, they’ll have to step up. And maybe your husband will find new determination if he has to care for himself.
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shad250 Sep 2018
For better or worse, Aren't those in the wedding vows?
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