How to convince a caretaker they are being unkind to spouse with dementia and also allowing adult son to push spouse around?

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A friend recently visited her parents. Her 92 year old dad has beginning dementia but is unable to drive now and is pretty forgetful. She observed her mother, his caregiver, being continuously critical and mean to her dad. Her dad seemed to be in pain when he stood up from a sitting position. She asked what was wrong. Her dad replied that his adult son, who has always lived at home and is in his 50's, kicked him in the rear end. When she confronted her mom, the mom made excuses for the son and said he didn't kick him that hard. She, and I, are very worried about her dads well being. The mom who has some medical problems, relies heavily on the son for driving, emotional support, etc. my friends brother has some kind of personality disorder and is over 300 lbs. My friend wanted to take her dad for an exam to see how hurt he was but her mom objected. She didn't do it and now greatly regrets it. The mother absolutely will not kick the brother out and between the two of them they seem to be blaming the dad for his dementia. They complain he can no longer do home repairs and say he's pretending that he had forgotten how to get his own lunch. My friend wants to have her dad attend a daily adult day care, but the mom refuses bc it costs money. My friend wanted to take her dad home with her for a week but the mom refused. My friend would even have her dad live with her but again, the mom refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. Plus, the dad himself doesn't want to leave his home and thinks his wife is going to take care of him. It is heartbreaking. My friend does not know how to proceed. Should she report her brother? If he is removed from the home he had no where to go snd her mom would never speak yo her again. She also worries the brother may go back and take it out on the father. She believes her brother is dangerous. The mom says 'she can keep him under control' but I think this situation is a ticking time bomb. Please advise. My friend and her family live in California about 400 miles from each other. She has 2 sisters in other states who have also witnessed the meanest towards her dad from the mom, but no one wants to pull rank in the mom who pretty much rules the roost. If dad is removed from home thru worry he will decline more rapidly and pine away for his wife.

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Empathy: I can imagine the stress imposed on your friend. Please remind her to take care of self! I can't say that enough because if she falls ill, she is no good to ANYONE!
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Oh boy. Thanks everyone. My friend is pretty stressed out. At least her sister is flying in tomorrow and dome decisions will be made. Karma. I was thing the same thing. We have been in constant communication. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances. Just want safety for the dad and relief for my dear friend.
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Empathy, now your friend has MORE to worry about. Support her if you can.
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Karma happened.
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Oh dear. Couldn't have happened to a nicer chap.

I'm sorry for the son's affliction, I'm sorry for his mother's having to face this, and I'm sorry that the family has been forced into a crisis. But if it results in the father being well cared for and the mother being better supported, then I can't be sorry about that. Please update, hope your friend is coping okay.
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empathy!!! wow...what a story!! karma...god...saved the day for those two elderly people!! that rotten son!!
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It sounds like someone somewhere must've been praying for an end to the abusive situation. Sometimes bad things must happen to someone before they'll stop abusing their victim, I've seen this happen before multiple times. Abuse generally doesn't stop despite a major crisis, I've noticed this. The best thing you could do if the brother does recover is keep him away from the elderly man because he won't stop abusing him and the abuse will eventually lead to the man's death. Abuse is an endless vicious cycle that just won't quit on its own, this is why it's important to just put the man under other care and maybe into a facility for his safety. I'm an abuse survivor myself, and that's how I can tell you abusers never quit abusing their victims despite a major health crisis
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Mysteries of life. Hopefully your friends siblings are ready to take action and assist your friend with the many decisions needing to be made at this time. It is an opportunity to make long term decisions for the care of her parents. I'm sure the mother is very frightened at this turn of events. Perhaps she will be more reasonable now as she no longer has the backing of her son who was/is apparently ill also. She is lucky to have you in her corner for support. I still think she needs the guidance of qualified legal counsel to avoid missteps with three handicapped people to care for and of course Dad still needs medical attention. Hopefully he has it by now. Thanks for keeping us informed.
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Very strange occurrence. My friend is on way down to her parents. It seems the brother has had a stroke and is in ICU. She doesn't have any details yet but he is intubated. Depending upon the severity of the stroke he may go to rehab, or need long term care which the mom cannot provide for many reasons, including her own advanced age and his size. So even though it's very tragic, he isn't a threat to his dad at the moment, or maybe never will be again. Of course my friend will have to help figure out what to do. Will update as I get more info on what is happening,
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Betsy stran
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