Guilt regret, hurt and feeling hopeless! How can I cope?

Zoo, you have gone above and beyond. You've done all you can do, and sacrificed your own life and security in the process. You can't MAKE your parents move. Understand that you've left them in better shape than they were in, with the care they need. Go back to your boss, ask for your job back. If they won't hire you back, find another job and be honest about why you lost the other...due to having to take care of elderly parents, which are now in good hands.

This type of situation is becoming more and more common as doctors strive like hell to keep bodies alive as long as possible, and don't seem to worry too much about the minds that are in them. Then they get tossed into our laps, and here we are....in your type of detrimental situation. You've done what you can.

Have you thought about finding work in your parents area? Do you have a place to stay when you get to where you're going? Friends, other family? I don't like the thought of you being alone, and yeah, going back to what seems like nothing...

I hope all will be well, and that you'll get a brand new start to your life. *hugs* Resentment, anger....it'll blow over once you're on the right road once more...Next time, if you have to leave work again for your parents, request a leave of absence for a month or so. I would hope that most places would allow people that kind of break, without fear of losing their jobs... Did you try it? If so, what did your boss say?

Zoo, regret, grief and even anger fit here - certainly not guilt. No one could have done more than you've done. The resentment is human and you'll have to feel it and accept it before you can let it go. You acknowledge the fact that you need to let it go, but allow yourself to grieve.

It sounds like your former employer was extremely unfair since you had the vacation coming. This really is a nightmare for you. Also, with the Family Leave Act, many are granting unpaid leave for elder care. Obviously your former employer wasn't one of those. I'm so sorry.

The fact that you had everything arranged for your parents 3 years ago makes this even more frustrating.

One huge issue for many caregivers is that we can give up nearly everything to care for our parents and then those with dementia, which is many, don't remember a thing. So, we can't do this to receive their appreciation.

Try to take one step at a time. Do your best to detach from your parents' problems as your drive away toward your home and lost job. Seek the help of friends when you get home to shore up your grief and maybe help you land a new job. Check on your parents when you can. You've set up a support system for them, so now it's time for you to concentrate on you.

Wishing you the best in finding a superior job and a better life. We're cheering for you and would love to hear back.
Carol

Zoo, I feel for you! Like Standing Alone says, you have gone above and beyond trying to work with two uncooperative parents. Is it both of them, or more your father? Do you have their Powers Of Attorney for healthcare and property? At some point, if you have the POA, it will kick in and you can move them if you can find a way to get them to your area. If you want to. They've just made everything 10X harder for you. I'd feel very resentful if I was you, so feeling that way is totally understandable. If your folks have some money left, I'd find a geriatric care manager in their area to oversee their care. It's not cheap, but would ease your mind, since you're not nearby. They make sure your parents are getting the appropriate medical care and they're usually from a nursing background. Please keep us posted on what's happening, since we all care about each other.

Gosh Zoo nearly in tears reading your situation. I just cannot imagine having both parents with this illness its so unfair.
Hope you work things out!

Oh and to an insult to injury, today my boyfriend broke up with me! I ask him to protect my car in Texas from the limbs falling, one fell on his house. He gets a new roof and a warranty. He drove it to his carport dogs ran out in front of him he wrecked the bumper. I ask if he could put it on his insurance he wasn't happy, said it was my fault the car was wrecked because he was only trying to help me and do what I ask him too! Said he hoped never to see or hear from me again!.

My dad has really been in bad shape raging most of the day. I've had to watch him around mother he gets so loud. She can hardly walk he try's to help but pulls on her so afraid she will fall. I've noticed he really gets aggressive during the day and now all evening. But at least my day had enough common sense left to realize I wasn't the responsible party who was driving my car at the time it was damaged! Amazing that even with dementia knows better! People with the disease of dementia once very productive respected achiever's now reduced to being prisoners of their own minds!

I want to thank everyone on this board for your support! Your kindness was want my heart needed to hear. Your acceptance of me and my emotional roller coaster helped me to know I'm not alone, mean, crazy, or plain horrible! Thank you all so very much. Tomorrow I plan to drive in my rented car back to Texas. Trying to remain strong and focused, to deal with my own circumstances being that somewhere God has a silver lining waiting for me! Thank you all again!

Zoo, um, about that boyfriend....can you say LOSER and GOOD RIDDANCE?

Hang in there Zoo! Get back into your own life and as they say, when one door shuts, another one opens. Or a window opens and you have to climb through it, LOL. Just keep an eye out for those open windows! :)

You'll always have people on here who will listen and share the ups and downs with you. It's a wonderful place with lots of wisdom and caring people.

Kudos to you Zoo for doing the best you could for your parents. Now it's time to concentrate on you and your future. This doesn't mean that you don't love your parents; of course you do. It doesn't mean that you wont help them the best you can; of course you will. But you wont be able to help anyone if you don't get your life in order. You deserve some happiness..... That happiness would include a boyfriend that is caring and supportive of what you're going through! Good luck...

P.S. you must have great instincts because you thought to come here and post in this forum where there are always kind and supportive people waiting to help one another. Way to go Zoo!

LuAnn you guys are wonderful, I feel supported here, I've listened to all your comments which give me strength! God Bless

Take that Bast*&%! to small claim's court for the damage to your car (did he hit a dog? If so, is the dog ok?). It was his wreck, not yours. Judge Judy would side with you!

As for anger, oh my gosh...how can you NOT be angry at your folks. They weren't dummies..they could see the handwriting on the wall as they were getting older. I'd say they had their heads in the sand, but then so did mine. My dad is now in a good place, but when mom and he were alive they were getting older and beginning to whine about not having any of us close but refused to move. My brother's and I would have been in the same boat had mom lived. All of living states away from elderly parents who needed us because they didn't want to "burden" us. HA...that would have been a worse burden then them coming to live near one of us, as you are finding out now.

I fought being angry with Mom when she was sick. She was diagnosed and died two month's later, and we took advantage of Dad's shock to get him settled in near my older brother in his hometown. It was a whirlwind three months in the doing, but we got it done. I miss mom terribly and hate that she got sick and died that fast, but then again I can't help thinking we really missed a bullet...the same type bullet that's struck at you and hit you square on. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. So believe me, I understand the guilt...but also know it's unfounded. Hope after reading all these posts, you realize that your guilt is unfounded too. You have gone above and beyond!

I will always live near my daughter...they move, we move. We've already done it once and we'll do it again. Afraid she's stuck with us for life, literally. I don't want to put her through what you are going through, bless your heart.

Bet there's something good waiting for you when this is all over...hang in there!

Dustien thank you for your kindness. I started my trek back to Texas today. While still in route looking for a hotel I the rain I receive a panic call from my dad. Their phones stopped working, he had to have Comcast again he couldn't get use to the channel changes. Learned a lesson there. Verizon was a good system otherwise but it seems in the last couple of days dad has been more agitated, confused. They got the neighbors to help and got the phone working however it just feels like the month I was there is only a band aid for a gaping wound. Dementia makes them prisoners in their own minds, horrible disease. Mother didn't take her medicine today, she is getting up when she's only to have assistance until she is more stable. I have a nightmare to deal with in Texas. I realize they look to me now to solve there problems and I will continue but I feel I'm getting closer to having to sell their house and they go into assisted living. That will drive my dad crazy I'm afraid any change at all sets him off out of fear! If I could say anything to my friend that haven't dealt with this " Get an Exit Plan Please" I'm posting some things on facebook about end of life issue and what is cost the families too! I want people to not have go through what I'm living with. That's all in the past now. I will be getting started early tomorrow hopefully I can make it back in one more day, this hotel room was outrageously expensive but it's quite here and I feel safe. I could handle driving while in the rain it was dark. Thank you again for speaking your heart you have all been such a blessing to me! God's Grace is sufficient I'm just overwhelmed. God Bless!

Gosh, if you don't have a job to go back to, maybe think about relocating where your parents are? Do you have a condo or home you have to sell? You could sell it and live with your parents until you find a job, that way you could afford health insurance and deal with your own medical issues. Think about what is going to be best for YOU now. Let us know what you decide. The best of luck to you!

You really sum it up when you say "it just feels like the month I was there is only a band aid for a gaping wound"; truer words were never spoken. Have a safe trip home!

zoolife, get down on your knees and thank the almighty the boyfriend is gone. he sounds like a total narcissist, everything is turned around on everyone elses head (everyone elses fault), he was doing YOU such a biiiig favor (all about him). you do NOT need an ass like this, you dodged a huge bullet.
This economy is hard... very hard. Think all you can do is just hit the pavement and just apply to job after job. Everyone has different energy levels.. some do a lot, and are never worn out, others can do only 2 or 3 things and are done for the day... so, all you can do is try. I understand these things: job hunting is absolute hell.
You cannot make stubborn old buggers move, but (and here's another question) what happens when no one days anything? The state may (or may not) come in and remove them? that is the problem: these old buggers cause the problems and everyone else has to pay for them. (this is a universal equal opportunity problem).
hang in there.

Thanks fellow care givers! It was a long drive back ended up driving 15 hours on Sunday, still trying to recoup from all of this. I get flash backs of the insanity of my the last month, and it's not over until someone dies we all know this. Sometimes I think that someone's going to be me. I was shocked when I got on the scales, after a friend told me how thin I looked, I lost 15 pounds the month I was there.
Two cents your right I hope and pray I don't see the boyfriend again, your right he is a narcissist his daughter told me that several years back. He has some good attributes, but I hope I've learned my lesson here. His insurance agent called said that boyfriend wasn't at fault, really, so now I have to pay for it. I had words with the ex-boy friend he said he'd pay but I haven't heard a word from him. I've had so many losses this past 6 six weeks I'm still reeling from them all. I've been slowly trying to put the pieces back in my life. I've been told not sure who will hire me spend money to train me if I get a job knowing at anytime I would have to get back to Virginia!
Macada, moving back to Virginia would seem to me the only solution, the thought seen shivers up my spine, it's so hard being here with them 24 -7. I love my crazy sick self centered duel dementia parents but they get on my last nerve then I start to get sick loss weight, anxiety attacks. Just don't know what the answers are right now just taking a day at a time!

God Bless you all for being here to talk with, I was so lonesome till I found this site! Big Hugs!

You have every right to feel angry and should not feel guilty. To many elderly parents are making bad choices and then expect their adult children to take the responsibilities that comes with their so called rights to chose how they live. I have no intention of jeopardizing my future for the sake of my parents and the bad choices they are presently making. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Hopefully things will get better for you and others can learn based on your experience.

Zoolife, I'm so glad you made it back OK to your own place and your own life. Now you can try to relax a bit and start taking care of yourself and building your new reality - without the loser boyfriend. You've got LOTS of support on here...so keep us posted - we're in your corner!