Guilt regret, hurt and feeling hopeless! How can I cope?

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I'm really struggling here! I'm to leave my folks home today travel across country to my where I live. I lost my job while caring for my parents within a week of my leaving. I had time to cover 3wks vacation, and roll over FMLA of which I wasn't going to use unless necessary. I worked extremely hard to find my folks money they didn't know they even had. Get their bills paid up, set up auto pay. Find an in home care giver, get the to doctors, you name it. Anyone on this site knows what I'm talking about. However there have been a lot of hurt feeling, my folks don't even remember most of what my dad has said or done, due to his dementia, my mother has dementia too. I've been here a month and feel like I nuts now. No job to go back to no insurance I've my own medical issues. I'm scared worried and feel terrible about responding in anger to my folks. I've lost everything to come here, they can only grasp it for a short time. What's worse is 3yrs ago I had this all rapped up with a contract on a condo, in an assisted living community 3 miles from where I live, with everything they would ever need, but they didn't want to move. I saw this coming a long time ago, that there living across country could cost me my job, my home, my live, be very expensive to care for them long distance. Today I'm to drive back to what feels like nothing. I'm sad that there is resentment and can't seem to get pass it right now. I don't want to leave like this, hard to pray.

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Zoo, regret, grief and even anger fit here - certainly not guilt. No one could have done more than you've done. The resentment is human and you'll have to feel it and accept it before you can let it go. You acknowledge the fact that you need to let it go, but allow yourself to grieve.

It sounds like your former employer was extremely unfair since you had the vacation coming. This really is a nightmare for you. Also, with the Family Leave Act, many are granting unpaid leave for elder care. Obviously your former employer wasn't one of those. I'm so sorry.

The fact that you had everything arranged for your parents 3 years ago makes this even more frustrating.

One huge issue for many caregivers is that we can give up nearly everything to care for our parents and then those with dementia, which is many, don't remember a thing. So, we can't do this to receive their appreciation.

Try to take one step at a time. Do your best to detach from your parents' problems as your drive away toward your home and lost job. Seek the help of friends when you get home to shore up your grief and maybe help you land a new job. Check on your parents when you can. You've set up a support system for them, so now it's time for you to concentrate on you.

Wishing you the best in finding a superior job and a better life. We're cheering for you and would love to hear back.
Carol
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Take that Bast*&%! to small claim's court for the damage to your car (did he hit a dog? If so, is the dog ok?). It was his wreck, not yours. Judge Judy would side with you!

As for anger, oh my gosh...how can you NOT be angry at your folks. They weren't dummies..they could see the handwriting on the wall as they were getting older. I'd say they had their heads in the sand, but then so did mine. My dad is now in a good place, but when mom and he were alive they were getting older and beginning to whine about not having any of us close but refused to move. My brother's and I would have been in the same boat had mom lived. All of living states away from elderly parents who needed us because they didn't want to "burden" us. HA...that would have been a worse burden then them coming to live near one of us, as you are finding out now.

I fought being angry with Mom when she was sick. She was diagnosed and died two month's later, and we took advantage of Dad's shock to get him settled in near my older brother in his hometown. It was a whirlwind three months in the doing, but we got it done. I miss mom terribly and hate that she got sick and died that fast, but then again I can't help thinking we really missed a bullet...the same type bullet that's struck at you and hit you square on. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. So believe me, I understand the guilt...but also know it's unfounded. Hope after reading all these posts, you realize that your guilt is unfounded too. You have gone above and beyond!

I will always live near my daughter...they move, we move. We've already done it once and we'll do it again. Afraid she's stuck with us for life, literally. I don't want to put her through what you are going through, bless your heart.

Bet there's something good waiting for you when this is all over...hang in there!
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Zoo, I feel for you! Like Standing Alone says, you have gone above and beyond trying to work with two uncooperative parents. Is it both of them, or more your father? Do you have their Powers Of Attorney for healthcare and property? At some point, if you have the POA, it will kick in and you can move them if you can find a way to get them to your area. If you want to. They've just made everything 10X harder for you. I'd feel very resentful if I was you, so feeling that way is totally understandable. If your folks have some money left, I'd find a geriatric care manager in their area to oversee their care. It's not cheap, but would ease your mind, since you're not nearby. They make sure your parents are getting the appropriate medical care and they're usually from a nursing background. Please keep us posted on what's happening, since we all care about each other.
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Zoo, you have gone above and beyond. You've done all you can do, and sacrificed your own life and security in the process. You can't MAKE your parents move. Understand that you've left them in better shape than they were in, with the care they need. Go back to your boss, ask for your job back. If they won't hire you back, find another job and be honest about why you lost the other...due to having to take care of elderly parents, which are now in good hands.

This type of situation is becoming more and more common as doctors strive like hell to keep bodies alive as long as possible, and don't seem to worry too much about the minds that are in them. Then they get tossed into our laps, and here we are....in your type of detrimental situation. You've done what you can.

Have you thought about finding work in your parents area? Do you have a place to stay when you get to where you're going? Friends, other family? I don't like the thought of you being alone, and yeah, going back to what seems like nothing...

I hope all will be well, and that you'll get a brand new start to your life. *hugs* Resentment, anger....it'll blow over once you're on the right road once more...Next time, if you have to leave work again for your parents, request a leave of absence for a month or so. I would hope that most places would allow people that kind of break, without fear of losing their jobs... Did you try it? If so, what did your boss say?
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I want to thank everyone on this board for your support! Your kindness was want my heart needed to hear. Your acceptance of me and my emotional roller coaster helped me to know I'm not alone, mean, crazy, or plain horrible! Thank you all so very much. Tomorrow I plan to drive in my rented car back to Texas. Trying to remain strong and focused, to deal with my own circumstances being that somewhere God has a silver lining waiting for me! Thank you all again!
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Zoo, um, about that boyfriend....can you say LOSER and GOOD RIDDANCE?
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Kudos to you Zoo for doing the best you could for your parents. Now it's time to concentrate on you and your future. This doesn't mean that you don't love your parents; of course you do. It doesn't mean that you wont help them the best you can; of course you will. But you wont be able to help anyone if you don't get your life in order. You deserve some happiness..... That happiness would include a boyfriend that is caring and supportive of what you're going through! Good luck...
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Dustien thank you for your kindness. I started my trek back to Texas today. While still in route looking for a hotel I the rain I receive a panic call from my dad. Their phones stopped working, he had to have Comcast again he couldn't get use to the channel changes. Learned a lesson there. Verizon was a good system otherwise but it seems in the last couple of days dad has been more agitated, confused. They got the neighbors to help and got the phone working however it just feels like the month I was there is only a band aid for a gaping wound. Dementia makes them prisoners in their own minds, horrible disease. Mother didn't take her medicine today, she is getting up when she's only to have assistance until she is more stable. I have a nightmare to deal with in Texas. I realize they look to me now to solve there problems and I will continue but I feel I'm getting closer to having to sell their house and they go into assisted living. That will drive my dad crazy I'm afraid any change at all sets him off out of fear! If I could say anything to my friend that haven't dealt with this " Get an Exit Plan Please" I'm posting some things on facebook about end of life issue and what is cost the families too! I want people to not have go through what I'm living with. That's all in the past now. I will be getting started early tomorrow hopefully I can make it back in one more day, this hotel room was outrageously expensive but it's quite here and I feel safe. I could handle driving while in the rain it was dark. Thank you again for speaking your heart you have all been such a blessing to me! God's Grace is sufficient I'm just overwhelmed. God Bless!
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You have every right to feel angry and should not feel guilty. To many elderly parents are making bad choices and then expect their adult children to take the responsibilities that comes with their so called rights to chose how they live. I have no intention of jeopardizing my future for the sake of my parents and the bad choices they are presently making. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Hopefully things will get better for you and others can learn based on your experience.
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P.S. you must have great instincts because you thought to come here and post in this forum where there are always kind and supportive people waiting to help one another. Way to go Zoo!
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