When caring for someone, how much stress is too much and what does this stress do to our bodies?

Im new to this.. meaning on this site.. as I read all these posts of advice of people saying to others how you HAVE to take care of yourself..take time for yourself,ect.. My question is what if you cannot do this?? I have no one to help..yes I do have three sisters..but they have lives and my mom is not part of their plans.. I also have two sons at home..one that may need brain surgery and the other I homeschool.. I recently had a double mastectomy and my recovery was not a proper recovery because my Mom is w/me and she needs me 24/7.. I feel guilty being angry..I feel guilty being at the point where I want my life to take care of myself and my children.. because I know I'm all she has.. but she is a very consuming woman by nature.. when I do have a five min. to myself she is calling my name asking questions ect.. My whole life is her needs and when I can get some time I devote that time to my sons.. so.. please..I would welcome any advice.. My only support is through praying..and that doesnt seem to be working..

Izabella..wow that is tough, you really sound stuck. It's hard too that your sisters won't help you out either, there must be more to it why they don't want their mum to feature in their lives, or could it be you appear to be doing such a great job, they think you're doing ok? Does your mum really 'need' you 24/7 or just want to be with you? It sounds like she might feel you are all she has so demands more of you than you need to give. Does she understand you are finding it hard to cope with? A good sit down and chat with her might help if you haven't tried that already. Assisted living? have you talked about that with her? Im probably suggesting things you've already thought of or done. Sometimes I think we know what the answer is and we do know deep down what we need to do its just the guilt that has us going around in circles as we beat ourselves up. We are not superhuman and as nuturing as we are its crazy to live under constant pressure and not search for a way out. You have to put your needs first, or you will just be miserable. We have to find a way through and make changes as hard as they can be, you can do it. I couldn't take care of my mother and I didn't have kids at home or major health issues, but I knew my limits and was honest enough with myself to know I couldn't cope anymore. I asked for help and now mum is in full time care. I'm still guilty that doesn't just stop, but I don't beat myself up for wanting to have a life either...good luck to you, stay strong (((hugs)))

Your anger is normal and understandable. Your wanting your life back to take care of yourself and your children is normal. However, you have not done anything morally or legally wrong which is the only basis for real guilt.

You say that she is a very consuming woman. I assume that means she's been a narcissistic selfish person her entire life? What is the condition of her health presently? Have you tried setting boundaries with her? Does she emotionally blackmail you via Fear of making her angry, Obligation of being her personal 24/7 caregiver despite the fact you are a cancer survivor, have a child to home school and another one who may need brain surgery, and Guilt for even thinking about yourself and your own needs? Who has medical and durable POA for her?

Does she have any means by which she can afford someone coming into the house and give you a break? Does she have long term care insurance? Has she made you promise her to never put her in a nursing home?

All in all, you are worth taking care of yourself and that not just because she is all you have or that you are all that your children have. You are a valuable person who is worth taking care of yourself because you are you.

rubyjkat, great advice.

You are not guilty of doing anything wrong legally or morally wrong. You just saw things for how they were and made some tough choices. Does your mother try to make you feel guilty for that? If so, that's emotional blackmail. If you can't shake the unfounded guilt, then maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist to help you work past that. I wish you well.

Wow.. I knew this was a support site..never did I imagine I would get this much support..Thank you to each and everyone..and I mean that.. As every family has their drama..mine does also..so to fully explain why my sisters are not a part of helping w/my mom would take pages.. but I will say they are the most selfish people I know.. I have asked my one sister to just free me up a bit to call mom daily..but she does not want to be bothered w/moms negetivity..moms moods..problems..none of it.. she doesnt want the stress.. so in turn my guilt comes from the feeling of "moms old now (82) she needs me..shes lonely..her life has gone from doing everything her way in her home to moving into mine and having to adjust to how I do things..(she doesn't like that)..her health is I think actually better then mine on most days..she does have some health issues but nothing major.. I am facing another surgery in 2wks.. and thank God I convinced the Dr. to do it outpatient so I can get home to take care of her and my boys.. I wake up everyday and the stress just punches me in the face.. Mom will hit me w/how horrible she slept..how horrible she feels..how her life is now not one she enjoys ect.. so I then i go into "fix it" mode..and try to make her happy.. but she will get into these "moods" where she becomes so crabby she makes the whole house unhappy..so I feel I must try harder to make her happy so it is happy for my sons especially the one who is sick.. My guilt comes when I get days when I've had enough of it being about her feelings and I tell her "you had your time..your house..your life at 45.. don't take mine".. she then cries and says sorry ect..and the guilt is overwhelming.. but then the next day its all forgotten.. Assisted living is not an option due to financial issues..I would never put her into a not to good..but affortable place.. I worked in one for yrs. and some are not too good.. I feel she would just give up if I did that.. and the private ones are much to exspensive.. My husband tells me "ignore her moods".. but he gets out and lives.. so easier to say.. he doesnt have to beg her to eat because shes got her little attitude that day..she likes NO hobbies..and it takes me forever to find her something to watch on TV that she likes.. Its in a nutshell..nothing makes her happy..she is very negetive and Im very positive..or I use to be til the last 9 months.. even through all my surgeries.. I kept positive and never did the "poor me" mode.. so to ask for help emotionally is very hard.. but I am so scared te stress will consume me and I need to be "ok" for my sons.. again.. thank you..for all the support.. I have no real friends to turn to..so just writing this helps so much.. and in turn I also wish everyone happiness and peace..

As hard as it is to do, try to detach with love instead of going into the fix it mode. You didn't make your mom's life the way it is now. You can't fix it, nor can you control it. Sounds like she's grown extremely dependent upon you although, as you say, her health is better than yours on most days. Has your mother ever been evaluated for depression or mood swings? Unless one has a chemical or situational reason to be depressed, to a large extent happiness is a choice. The begging to eat sounds more like a game a passive aggressive game to me. As negative and moody as she sounds, no wonder your sisters don't want to have anything to do with her. Plus, it might be that they are too much like her to begin with. I've seen what you mean about nursing homes and thus, I am glad that my mother is in a good one with long term care insurance. I hope you can detach emotionally instead of getting caught up in the drama.

Your mum sounds exactly like mine, until you realise that no matter how 'good' you are to her, it will never be enough. If she is anything like my mother, she will feel this is your duty to her, and you will look after her no matter what your situation is. Your mother knows you well and will 'play' on those vunerabilities of yours. As sad as it sounds your sisters may well be mean not wanting to help out, but just maybe they just want to live their lives peacefully without drama...I don't know. All families have dramas but alot seem to be centred around the matriach of the family, which from my experience seems to be the mother.

If you won't put her in a nursing home, or if she refuses to go the only thing you can do is change the way you react or as cmagnum says detach, I don't how you can do that when it is with you every day. I couldn't. The emotional rollercoaster really started when I did put my mother into care which is just beautiful with lovely staff that are paid to take care of her every need. The guilt, the manipulation has got worse as you can imagine I am the crap daughter who has turned my back on her and put her in the living hell that she now lives...I realised it doesn't matter whether she was living with me or not I still have that awful feeling of dread.

I have decided on no contact with her she is 84, and believe me it is not easy. She won't let go easily, and by getting my sister and her only friend to text and call me yesterday at my new job, ruined my day completely, I could've sat down and cried. I couldn't sleep last night wondering how did this all happen.

The ONLY thing I can do is change how I react to her carryings on, I have 2 choices 1) to put up and shut up and accept this is my lot end of or 2) I have a life, I am a good person that deserves to be happy and not just exist to please my mother, I have this life its up to me to steer it in the direction I want it to go...Personally I opt for 2) it's just as hard as option 1) maybe even harder...but the outcome has got to be better. My advice (and I'm doing this too everyday), is you have to toughen up, don't be bullied anymore, your life is important, and the choice is yours to just exist or actually live it...(someone got tough with me, and I tell you best thing ever, tho sometimes I want to crawl into a corner somewhere and rock lol....

It's so ironic.. to get replys from people whom I've never met yet are so on target w/my situation.. I can relate to why my sisters have made the choice to not deal.. but I don't have that choice..I feel it would be so much easier if we pulled together and not apart..I have told them that it has gotten the best of me and I dont know what to do about saving myself from the stress of it all catching up one day.. i know I would never turn my back on them.. rubyjkat.. I am so sorry your day was filled w/that emotional mess.. but you are on the road to pulling your life together(as hard as it is).. and you most definently deserve it.. I do try to be "tough" and take the time to think of me..but honestly I am so burntout that when I do take the time its usually filled w/guilt for taking the time.. (if that makes any sense).. as long as you know your mom is safe..and well cared for.. You are free to do what you need to do for YOU!!.. I pray to have God open a door for me of any kind of help..or a break.. (then again finding this site..is God sent)

When reading over the comments to all the different questions, I know I am not alone. I am struggling with what to do. Mom is getting worse. I feel so alone &I get no help. Went part time so I can be home more, but I feel like a prisoner. I am so stressed. Reading what other people are going through is helping. Want to put her in a nursing home but don't think we can afford it.

shadow.. if you could afford a nursing home would your mom be ok w/it?? I only ask because my mom would never ever be ok w/that idea.. If that is an option for you.. they have so much assistance available now.. for even the better ones.. it is not like it use to be yrs. ago..where if you couldn't afford private you had to settle for a pit.. I also am w/out help.. but on here..we are not alone..

I can't say that my mother is ok with being in a nursing home, but she would not be ok without it. Fortunately, she thinks that she's only been there 2 months, but the reality is 2 1/2 years. Her dementia plus her "I want to be begged into accepting help outlook" hindered her working with PT to regain her ability to walk after falling and breaking her hip. I wonder sometimes if it is not the hip breaks and then comes the fall. Thus, my mother has been totally bed ridden for two and a half years.

It distresses me that her sister has not been to visit her since mom broke her hip. However, when it looked like she would die, my aunt was quick to ask for something mom had promised her if mom died first. My aunt is extremely prim and proper, but I know about the skeletons in her closet. It is a shame that her brother did not visit her when he had a chance because it might be too depressing, and now he is dead.

Not all nursing homes are the same. Some will take persons who have only medicaid if they qualify.

OK, just make a doctor appointment for yourself and put your mother under either a temporary private or nursing home. If you doctor confirms that your own health is suffering, then sorry, your mother needs to be put into a permanent care arrangement and your caregiving duties are terminated. You are then no longer available to care for your mother; do not feel guilty about accepting help even if your mother gets mad at you. You have faith that you are properly taking care of yourself.

I say it might be time for you to get your life back; stop caregiving before you feel like you are dead inside!!!

It starts out for all the right reasons and after years it can be all negative and you don't want to live. Do something now, don't wait!!!