I'm 25, married and a mother of two. One is six, one is seven. My husband and I have been taking care of his father who is 65 and has lived with us for the past year. We moved him in with us because he was living 6 hrs away and alone, even though he has fathered 6 kids and been married 4 times. He had quintuple bipass 4 yrs ago when he lived with us before. He has also been a type one diabetic who frequently takes too much insulin, causing him to have reactions. I am the only one who takes care of him, out of some unknown guilt. But I am tired of it. He is capable of doing lots on his own- bathing, making himself food, cleaning, etc. BUT he doesn't. He doesn't bathe daily, he has reactions because he is too busy looking up political propaganda on the Internet, and I am left cleaning HIS pubic hair off the toilet in the bathroom that he and my children ONLY use. I want him out of my house. However, none of his other children want to do anything to help and my husband works in the oilfield so he's always working or tired. It has now caused fights between him and I. My father in law has nothing to his name, except a car I refuse to let him drive. This is because he has had reactions while driving, once he ran through an abandoned(thankfully) house and the vehicle is registered to my husband. We could be held legally liable. He lives off of social security which is only $1200. He wasted all his money on stupid crap and still continues too except for the $300 I charge him in rent. My husband and I have started talking divorce. I love my husband very much but this is not what I want out of life. He cannot afford assisted living, does not qualify for a home because he really isn't in horrible health minus his reactions. I hide in my room to "get away," my kids have said resentful things about our situation. I have no privacy to have any intimacy with my husband. Some one tell me what to do. I'm desperate at this point.
Yes.
OK, it doesn't have to be quite that dramatic and harsh, but that is the bottom line.
First, have a heart-to-heart discussion with your husband. Tell him you love him and your marriage has to come first. Dad has to go.
Together with your husband, tell Dad he will need to find other living arrangements and that you will help him.
Call your county's Social Services and explain that you 65 yo father-in-law is now living with you but that arrangement needs to end and you would like a needs assessment done and options explained to your FIL. Perhaps he will qualify for subsidized housing.
You and your husband both come from dysfunctional families, and you apparently don't know what should be expected of children toward their parents (and parents toward their children). This ain't it! Protect your own children from the dysfunctional situation that exists in your house now.
If you were to divorce, where would FIL go? Well, wherever he would go it that circumstance he can go the same place without you divorcing. If FIL has no one to turn to, that is Not Your Fault and it is Not Your Husband's Fault. He isn't behaving as a responsible household member? Not Your Fault. He never learned how to play well with others? Not Your Fault.
Your husband seems to have "gotten over" the rotten father this man was to him by dumping his care on you, and adding stress to the lives of his own children. This is not how healthy families behave.
Just kick him out.
I will be taking care of my in laws full time beginning next month and am dreading it. We live a few houses down the road but until now we haven't needed to live in the same house. They are horrible, stingy and downright mean people.......and it used to cause a lot of trouble between my husband and I. When I wasn't being heard by my husband or his sister/brother I decided to stop taking care of his parents 100%. I didn't make a fuss about it, I just set some boundaries, told everyone on speaker phone at the same time and stuck to them. When FIL/MIL refused to clean up after themselves or bathe then everyone could see how bad it was and what I was talking about, they are hoarders so the money was flying out of the accounts and we were being accused of spending it. It is my furniture (excellent condition) that we put in their house when we un-hoarded their house and within a month it was filthy, smelly and ruined and it couldn't be "excused", it was disgusting, all this to say, I feel your pain and exasperation.
I would recommend that you calmly talk with your husband and let him know you can't take it anymore, that you love him and his father very much and feel like you are enabling his father to become unable to care for himself. Tell him that his dad will need to clean spaces he uses (bathroom) to your standards (if older than 10, your kids will need to take turn to clean also), shower daily (hire a bath aid to come in, with his money of course) and get the car out of his name or work with his Dr to have license removed. Make sure the other children send you and husband $$ to hire aids if need be.
Set your boundaries in a calm, adult and loving manner and you will be respected greatly, when we make our demands from anger, nobody pays attention.
Much respect for you. You are on the perfect site for help.
Please take some steps to protect yourself and your children. If your husband will chose his father over you and your children, I, personally, don't think the marriage you have is worth it, as he is more bonded to his father than he is to you and your/his children. Perhaps marriage counselling would help him to examine his priorities, However, no one can make those decisions for you, except you.
You said your husband would accept his father being in assisted living nearby. Can that be arranged?
Please let us know how things are going. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))) Joan
No amount of talking is going to change this man. I do recommend you and your husband talk to a marriage counselor. It concerns me that your husband does not appear to take his Father's problems seriously enough.
Good luck and God bless! You have to protect those children and take care of yourself first!
Where is his gun now?
I am 67 and insulin dependent. If I give myself the wrong amount of insulin I have reactions. Does this mean I should go live with one of my children for $300 a month?!! I don't think so! Maybe there is something else wrong with your FIL. You know what? It's Not Your Fault. You are not responsible for fixing it or putting up with it.
I hope it doesn't come to that, but I think some very serious changes need to be made here. You went from a bad situation in your dysfunctional family, to being a mother while still a teenager yourself. Somehow your husband is The Boss rather than an equal partner. He says you have to take care of his father while he is out in the oilfields and you are just supposed to say OK?
Something is seriously wrong with this picture.
Let hubby and FIL move. When he has FIL situated in a nearby Assisted Living, then pack up the kids and go move in with husband.
Or ... how about some marriage counseling, right now? FIL is only one part of this problem.
See All Answers