Can caregiving kill you?

My mom is 89 and I'm almost 72! I've been buying their groceries for about 5 years, picking up meds, taking food, etc! Dad passed away over 2 1/2 years ago but prior to his death had to pay a fortune for caregivers! Mom has mantle cell lymphoma diagnosed over 3 years ago! She wants to stay on her home so but won't stay alone at night! She also has dementia! My husband is diabetic and just had surgery to unclog his leg! I've brought mom to our house several times but all I hear is "I want to go home"!
I retired at 61 and looked forward to a good retirement! It isn't happening! I've tried desperately to grant my parents wishes to stay at home until their death! Mom's money is running out even with me paying for lots of her expenses! Without God's help I couldn't go on! I keep praying my health will hold up but sometimes the stress gets me down! I had lower back surgery 3 years ago and retina surgery 2 years ago! I still have other back issues which I try to deal with!
I'm going to take this advice and take better care of myself! What would anyone else do if it comes to placing your parent in a nursing home?

Depending on how you heal yourself emotionally....................

I was a caregiver for my dad. It was brutal. I stayed strong until the end. When he passed, my back went out for 3 months, leaving me hospitalized with back spasms and even convulsions from the pain itself! I had to go to physical therapy for a very long time. I also had chest pain that led me into the ER. The EMT volunteer said that it was grievance pain.

When you lose someone you love with all your heart, your body does go through physical pain. Coping mechanisms and support helps a great deal. Everyone heals differently though.

While my beliefs are set that no, you cannot die from this, I do believe that your quality of life can. There's always that belief that you can die from a broken heart (like usually a year or two after the spouse dies, the other spouse passes too) -- but that's usually at a very old age and giving up the will to live. Your mind is very powerful -- more so than you think. When people mentally give up or accept the incredibly grievance pain -- it can be detrimental.

Sending you healing thoughts. I'm so sorry your going through this.

I think stress from any source which one cannot escape, can cause health issues and maybe even death.

My Grandma was doing genealogy. Often she'd get frustrated. Apparently long ago, women, (caregivers to husbands and kids), would sometimes literally run away to another state, change their names, pretend they'd never been married, start a new life. That made her nuts trying to do the work she was doing. But she said she started to see that a lot of the ones who stayed were run into the ground pretty early. After their deaths, the man just married another younger one. Sometimes she didn't make it either, then another one. She was talking about "pioneer days", but it kind of made me think! :-)

Yes, it can kill you or at least cause many many health problems. In my case taking care of husband with alcoholic dementia and other health issues, while trying to work, handle all the household responsibility and deal with his rotten and selfish children who offered little help but lots of criticism wore me down physically and mentally. I lost 40 pounds that I really could not afford to lose, caught every cold and bug that was going around, have ongoing stomach and skin issues. Last fall I had no choice but to place him in a nursing facility, he was falling two to three times a day - dependent on diapers, unable to get in and out of bed or chair without help and weighs 300 lbs. The picking him up and getting him up had done so much damage to my back I may never be "normal" again. Asking for respite and or help from his three children got me nowhere as they would tell me that I was just "faking it" when my back was hurting so badly or that there was really nothing wrong with Dad - their denial was so that they refused to accept that Dad was an alcoholic - even though until the last couple of years he was drinking two cases of beer a day. The burden was just too much for me - and while I did and still do feel very badly for having to place him in NH - I truly had no choice, I was so worn down physically and the stress of it all, especially with the stepchildren from hell and their need to add constant drama had me so mentally worn done - I
feel I was just days away from a breakdown of some sort. He has been in NH for six months now and I am slowly starting to recover, of course, I am dealing with the guilt of placing him there, the worry of his diminishing health and his mental decline, visiting him as often as I can. So even though I am not physically having to deal with him the mental stress continues and most certainly effects my health. For most of my adult life, I have been hale and hearty - can count on my one hand the number of times I have been to Dr or been sick for the last 30 years - the past couple of years I have just been dealing with one health issue after another and I am sure that the burden of caregiving contributed to my poor health immensely.

I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to heal yourself and grieve and keep active. Get help for your back pain as there are many things one can do besides taking pain meds. Be kind to yourself and thanks for helping your husband!

Ifeel by round 2 of caregiving may kill me and my mom.
My beloved Aunt passed away last year in May.I cated for her for years.She had cancer and jeat problems. She was my best friend she told me when she became ill she prefer the cancer got her before the dementia got worse.She didnt get her wish she was easy to cate for however watching her mind go was heartbreaking.She began to live wirh me in 2011.
Then in 2013 my mom was hit by a car
She and myself cared for my dad my Aunt during this time would come with me to assist her.Dad last stroke 2012 took his pysichal abilities he need to be assisted in every way.
Mentally dad was good then..
Feb 2014 my Aunt was hospitalized I told dad it was time we bring her home with hospice unless they found a cire for alsheimers it was wrong to put her through any more. And that was her wish.
April 2014 Dad tool a terriblr gall.I told mom he teally need to go to the hospital she disagreed
Got back to be with my Aunt luckly at the time my cousin was staying with us.
Worried about dad felt guilty I knew He should have went but my mom is difficult to deal with.
By morni g my son called 911 that aftetnoon dad was diagonois wirh a cerbal hmorrage and was ti have brain surgery.
Dad was released in May
He now was tube feed.My mom cant handle him alone my son helped alot for I was busy with my aunt.
My Aunt passed May 20
Dad had amother fall they told my mom at hospital she pyshically take cate of him due to the fact she is 78 and suffeted from much injuries from the car accident.
Dad was sent to tehab aka nursing home.
I told him I would clear out apartment asap and move into to help.
June he was released.
Sonce then I have pulled my back oiy sevetal times my mother refuses to pay for help. If I leave I worry evety minute she yelling at him or left him alone.
When I thete she take total advantage of me.
I have been dizzy blurred vision I am a constant wreck. I love my dad but I think it just may kill me.
Oh yeah ladt nigjt fad feel on me my arm is injutef again.
I have 2 brothers I think I will give them 30 day notice and leave they do not help
I jiust dont know anymote

YES
I too had back spasms and went to the ER twice.
My sister and best friend died after 5 months battling brain cancer. She died December 23 and January 4, I went to the ER with pain that I can't describe. I thought I was dying. My blood pressure shot up and I could see.
After test doctors determined stress induced pain. I found acupuncture and talk therapy has helped,but the numbness in my leg is still there.

I''m learning to be kind to myself, I did the very best to care for my sister and the gift we had will help me heal. Breathe,Walk and Meditation.

PS Eat well!... probiotics (for your gut)... etc... daily protein... regular doctor visits... get out and socialize whenever possible!...

Oh yes... so we are finding out!... As my doctor said "when stress accumulates it can cause problems". When she said that it went over my head until I started to have skin issues... I could feel the adrenaline running through my body from my head to my toes and through my arms. Adrenaline activates the cortisol in your body, because your body is trying to 'protect/defend' itself (it thinks it's being attacked). We must do everything possible to ward off stress... I know it's hard, but you don't want to get sick!... Let's all of us make a pact here to take care of ourselves... Big Hug to all!

Hello I beleive caregving can take a toll on you I have been caregving for person with dementia And I have myself having more health issue and more wore down it seem to make you lose all your social and work skills I used to be alot jobs And now it seem like i with this person all the time Espeicially since her daughter got a job I have to do everything So i believe caregving changes your life And the stress can kill you inside and out

freqflyer. I hear you! Yeah, answer machines - Mom has one, but for the past 10 years, most of the time, turns it off by mistake. She doesn't listen to us, doesn't pay attention and even taping instructions on the machine, she can't work it, turns it off, doesn't know enough to push "messages". Also, she has new hearing aids (behind the ear this time) and no matter how many times we tell her, show her, write it down and tape it to the phone, she insists on pushing the receiver hard against her ear, not higher up where the aid is. So we call and get "what?" "what?" "what"? Enough to cause a really severe stomach cramp from the frustration. Then we sigh, and she says "I heard that, you don't know what it is like................" Dementia is part of it, but since she has done that to us long before the dementia - that is why it ticks us off so much. She never listened, never bothered to try to learn or help herself, always the "little helpless girl victim" which puts the responsibility back on us. Yeah, stomach cramps, palpitations, clenched jaw etc.

LivingSouth, welcome to the club of painful stomach spasms and fast heart rates... I have them, too. I also wake up several times every night, then I start to channel surf hoping to find something pleasant to watch, like the reruns of Frasier which for some reason will make me sleepy :)

Also have gained weight, it's like where on earth did THAT come from when I hop on the scale... hopping on the scale is my only exercise... how I miss hiking or going to the gym.

Well, it's 8pm so I better give my parents a call... usually it takes 12-15 rings before Dad can get to the phone. Wish my parents would have bought a new answering machine but five years ago Dad said he was going to fix the old one... still waiting. I even said for them to get Caller ID, at least know who was trying to call, but Dad doesn't want to pay the high cost.... high cost???

I have noticed that I hold my breath - when I have to deal with yet another minor crisis. I get painful stomach spasms and I am also having tachycardia at night. It's like I can't wind down, and I wake up several times every night. I've gained weight because I don't have time to go and walk like I used to, and when I get stressed I go hunting for good ol chocolate or snack chips.

(My aunt had breast cancer and didn't follow up because she was trying to help her older sister with caregiving, so Freqflyer try to see the doc if possible)

My parents are the baby of the large family who got attention by complaining, and the middle child whose parents looked after everything, so I do feel like it's like looking after kids, sometimes.
I like kids, but I could have never managed my children at the same time.

Absolutely. I came within 5 minutes of death from a massive heart attack. Taking care of Mom was not the only stress factor, but it was the biggest. She is in a nursing home now and I am trying to take care of myself. Too late. I am going blind in my right eye from un-diagnosed diabetes. PUT YOURSELF FIRST when ever you can.

My mom is private pay. It's $3900 a month and with SS and a pension it still cost her $2000 a month, not great but it will be OK for a while. They will take Medicaid when her money runs out.

I absolutely feel that stress can kill you as well. I too realized there is no way I could care for my mom without kicking the bucket myself and she too is now in assisted living. AL isn't that bad at all and she loves it there. I can honestly say, I can only be with my mom for about an hour before I start getting heart palpitations, anxiety, etc.

xmorgan28.....is your mom paying privately for assisted living or was she approved for state assistance like Medicaid?

I believe the stress can kill you. Dealing with my 82 year old mom with dementia for the last couple of years was a learning experience. I knew from the beginning I would not be a care taker for her. She is finally in an assisted living. I have no idea how all you people deal with it full time. I can't do it and I wasn't going to do it. Just dealing with guardianship duties is wearing me out!

Oh yes, those stomach cramps.... I get those the day before and the day of when I have to pick up my parents and drive them to an appointment, and as we all know elders tend to have a lot of doctor appointments. Now I have to schedule those appointments when my sig other has his day off just in case I am too stressed out to drive :(

For years my sig other and I have told my parents we don't like driving their car because not only is it not user friendly but it also causes both of us to get motion sickness big time. No wonder I get sick the day before :P

Yes, all the signs point to it. Even spending 1/2 day with Mom causes physical symptoms in both me and my sister. Sis ends up with an asthma attack and often stomach cramps and an attack of colitis. I often get palpitations, a headache and can feel anger building up inside of me that gives me abdominal cramps. Anything that causes stress symptoms will eventually cause a health problem. I often take a valium before I visit Mom because I know I will feel stress and frustration. Rather than be angry with someone who can't help it, rather than hold in the stress, its better to medicate so it doesn't affect my body.

I firmly believe the stress of caregiving can kill you. When I was trying to work full time and arrange in home care for my Mom who has dementia I thought for sure I was going to have the big one (heart attack). It was an incredibly stressful time and I was used to working in a high stress environment. I finally gave Mom and my brother the option - I either stay home and take care of Mom fulltime and be financially compensated for it or she has to go into a nursing home so I could go back to work full time. The choice was for me to stay home and care for Mom. I will say the stress is much less now.
I often wonder though if we caregivers can't die of a " broken heart". All the things we've given up to do this job; all our dreams, our homes, our careers, our lives. It's all so incredibly sad. How much loss and sadness can one human being take?

I believe stress can kill you, and this is the most stress I've ever experienced -- worse than divorce , moving, loss of my other parent, being broke, job issues. The general unpredictability is what really stresses me. Never knowing who to expect when I call or visit my mother. Always on edge around her, cause anything can set her off into a verbal attack, or crazy thinking.

Yes, I truly believe that Caregiving can kill you. I know the stress of just dealing with my parents has affected my health, I developed breast cancer when there were no other markers pointing at me. I am now in remission I hope as I haven't hadn't seen my Oncologist in over a year... and am now battling panic attacks.

I never had children so now I feel like what a parent would be dealing with teenagers who have lost some common sense, except these teenagers are in their 90's :P

Are we having fun yet?

I know that after looking after my Mom for so long when we finally transitioned her into a nursing home it was like my whole body just took a big sigh (if that makes any sense) and then I went into depression. I'm still battling it.

The latest figure I have read is that 40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. I too suspect stress is a major factor. I know it has and does affect my health Definitely take care of you!

I certainly believe caregiving can kill you. One third of caregivers die before the people they're caregiving for and I would imagine a lot of that is from the stress, which is why we're always encouraging each other to take care of ourselves. It does us no good to literally kill ourselves caring for our loved ones.

Take care of yourself first and then your loved one. It took me years to learn that!