Can caregiving kill you?

Dear Kroger123456, At a minimum, the daughter needs to give you a break of some days. Rather than move out of state, gather your inner strength (there must be some left) and find another job. Maybe there is someone out there not so far along in dementia who would be more pleasant to work for. Good luck.

Hello I feel like caregving can take everything out of you I live and caregvier to a lady with dementia Stress and way she talks back but i know it the dementia So i just let it go And this has been the hardest for me I feel like i have lost my life And i do everythng for her i try to do the best to keep in her home She in between those stages Her daughter did alot But now she working i feel it all on me And i tired and want my life back I don't feel good about myself And my self esteen i used to be such a people person and hard worker Always had employment I'm so torn i just feel since i been a caregvier i think it burn out i have been a caregvier for long time And i want a fresh start I mention it to her daughter And she understand But she trying to talk me to staying I think the best thing for me Is to pack it all up move out of state And have my own life I so torn anyone have suggestions Because finacially i cant make it here really don't have the money to move I feel struck And torn Thank you for letting me vent

Wow...I relate to what nojoy3 said! Sending hugs to all of you awesome, loving people!

yes,, stress can do a number on anyone. I went thru a divorce with a phsyco ex. started a new job.. with my ex ringing my cell all day.. tried to take care of my daughter alone.. thought I was just so over whelmed.. found out I had developed congestive heart failure... got it under control... lost my good fulltime job and $$$ .now taking care of mom 24/7 for almost 2 years,, praying the stress wont take me over again.. cause I literally almost checked out
the first time.
I only get 6 hrs of respite a week..it was 2 days for 3 hours, had to find a new one.. was coming home to more work than I left..she did nothing.... Now Ihave a new one on Fridays... for a full 6 hours away from the house !!!!!!!!! and have decided to use it just for me... nothing to do with Moms stuff..... no calls. no bills etc..
getting away in may for my daughters college graduation for 3 days by the shore... its whats keeping my going right now.. I have to remember to just breathe....... I cant do it all ... it is what it is.....
Ive been kinda seeing this guy and I take every chance to get away while mom naps... yesterday.. we went for a motorcycle ride just around town.. I got some fresh air and alittle sun.. what a difference an hour can make !!!! I just said screw the yard / house work.... I need to work on taking care of the caregiver !!!!!!!!

Hello Wlll i tell caregiving can take a toll on your health the stress I have seen a change in my self I used to be always have jobs that I stayed busy And had to think and work hard Now been a cargiver it hard work But And it take alot out of you I'm glad to see doctors are seeing and how hard t is on caregiver can beat you down And agree it hard to find stabity when you are caregving Good comments Glad we can vent I need it Carolyn

I hope so countrymouse. Our elderly need to be cared for but not at the expense of their childrens health or financial stability. There must be other ways.

Taking care of yourself is not easy and has to be set as a priority. Logically a caregiver must devote some of their skills to self care, as well as "other" care. I hit bottom when I got a chronic gut infection and a bad shoulder worsened while moving mother from one place to another to another and dealing with the upsets. No way am I going down like that There almost always are alternatives, if we will but open our eyes to them. I figured I paid my dues years ago pandering to my narc mothers whims and tantrums. Now others can do it. I still do some personal things for her and look after her finances. But there is a limit which is dictated by my health - physical and emotional.

I was on a short holiday recently and walked part of a canyon trail. I got really winded on the way back up which shows me that I need to work on my cardio fitness. I am fortunate that my heart and lungs are healthy, if out of shape. They won't stay healthy, if I don't do the work on myself. The gut infection is very debilitating and it lowers my energy levels so I am not up to doing very much and, thus, lose fitness. Sig other remarked how I was less fit than 5 years ago when I clambered around the hoodoos with little problem. Wake-up call!!! Now to figure out the best routine to work on my fitness. I owe it to myself and it has to be a priority. I might have gotten away with it better 10 years ago, when I was in my 60s, but time flies by and your health can fly out the window with it if you don't take care

- so -

do something good for you today - and every day! Set goals for you, not just for others.

I think family doctors are becoming keenly aware of it, Trying. The GPs and district nurses have been brilliant since my mother came home getting on for three months ago, but mother settled in quite well and I was wondering why they were quite that conscientious. Then the penny dropped: are they checking up on me?!

This is interesting. I was at a 60th birthday party for a friend last night and the biggest topic of conversation was our elderly parents.

One of the women said her sister is a doctor and she is seeing a huge number of (mostly) women coming to her who have been totally beaten down by their care giving roll. It is causing both physical and mental health issues. She actually used the word epidemic.

This caught me on my lowest day in awhile. We are all in similar circumstances. I care for my 66-yr old husband (mild stroke in 2008; post stroke dementia and depression) and help with my 82 yr old aunt. My husband and I are in fairly good circumstances, all things considered (Type II diabetes, hypertension, hi-chol., anemia, loss of appetite, etc.), other than my desperate need for a break. My aunt has diabetes, dementia, high cholesterol, hypertension and her home of 47 years is in foreclosure due to the subprime mania of 2006-7-8, etc. Her 57 yr old daughter "fled" to another state, leaving behind thousands in unpaid bills. The older son works all the time. The younger son (51) is her primary caretaker, but he's basically indigent and a burned out caregiver himself. The almost ex-wife of the older son and I do all the paperwork, research, medical observation, correspondence with doctors. The boys resent this, but won't take it on. Everything is somebody else's fault. Last Saturday she sounded bad on the phone. Vomiting and diarrhea for 24 hours. Caretaker son gone. Went over with our blood pressure cuff, et al. Helped her put on clean Depends. Washed her hands. Tried to take her glucose (too dehydrated to get a good result), cleaned the feces off the floor and the toilet. I wanted to take her to urgent care but the elder son was what? Unwilling? I said, "If she was my kid, I'd get her to the doctor." That evening I went to a family gathering the other half. I've learned the wisdom of saying, "Fine," when asked how I'm doing. That's probably what we should always say, because saying, "Well, I'm not suicidal for the first time since I was eight years old," or, "my husband can walk without support some days," or, "I spend many hours trying to save my aunt's home from foreclosure." These are not socially uplifting bits of news. Tuesday morning I awoke in gloom and thought, "What can I do to feel better?" The light came on and flashed, "Dump your Aunt." It was a a wonderful feeling. No more day-long excursions to doctors and waiting rooms. No more hopeless visits with HUD counselors. Just visit, love her and walk out. I enjoyed that for a couple hours and got back to researching ways out of the incurable foreclosure, a useless talk with my cousin for the state of his mother's insulin care, requests from my husband to retract myself from the whole miasma (while he does little to help himself, which he could and his doctor told him to). Meanwhile, we live like trolls. I can't get him to sit outside for 5 mins/day to help his Vit. D. The windows aren't open to let in light or air. My social life consists of doctor visits, PT visits, the pharmacists at Walgreens, the grocery store clerks, a few waiters where I go to hide out now and then, and the staff of the local liquor store. I have degenerative osteo-arthritis in my knees, so going for a walk isn't an option. I have a long history of depression. I'm very familiar with the Slough of Despond. Haven't visited for quite sometime due to better living through chemistry and my very fine shrink. We mention taking care of ourselves. I've had three bad falls since August. Think positively? Hah. I skipped a party tonight. It was an hour each way and my knees can't take driving for that long. Besides, I've gained weight, I hate the way I look, I haven't been shopping for decent shoes in three years, make-up is a thing of the past. Not the way I wish to be seen by friends who are visiting from Spain. Remember me as you knew me 30 years ago. Usually, when I go out, I smile at everyone. It sounds corny, but Princess Diana smiled at people and disarmed them. Even I can have that effect as most people don't expect to be acknowledged when out in the world. Try it. Well, goodnight all. Time for me to have another cry. I wish you all some relief from our various burdens.

After caring for her for four horrendous years, my life long narcissistic mother from h*ll went into a NH two and a half years ago but there was no peace. She would call me between 2 and 5 p.m. every day, yelling, screaming, ranting and raving. I'd get up in the morning with my stomach banging and watch the clock with increasing anxiety as it approached 2 p.m., on pins and needles until 5 p.m. rolled around and I knew I was safe for the rest of the day.

The government inspectors visited the NH one day, as they do at all NHs here from time to time, and they pick a few residents to speak to. They asked Mommie Dearest if she had any concerns ... meaning with respect to the NH and her care ... and she said she didn't know where the money went from the sale of her house. She was kept informed every step of the way but that comment brought the government down on my head and I had to produce all paperwork showing where her money was and how it was invested, treating me like a common criminal after I'd given up my home, furniture and career, my whole life, to care for her.

That was the last straw and due to the stress I blacked out doing 85 in my truck. It was her or me so I changed my phone number and, made it unlisted (told her I got rid of it). I've been very careful never to give her my home address as she's not above sending the cops around "because I was worried about you" ... BS!

I was really ill for the rest of that winter, stomach banging, shaky and rarely left the house. Took me a couple of weeks to get behind the wheel and go into a tiny nearby village for supplies. I live way out in the country so the house is always well stocked for the winter months.

Mommie Dearest knows nothing of all this, though I'd love to rub her nose in it, but what's the point. Her mind is mostly away with the fairies now,, barely eating and skin and bone, she probably doesn't have long to go. Wouldn't make any difference anyway as it's always been about her and anything I said would be met with "It's just your imagination" ... a favourite statement of narcissists..

She has always refused to have anything to do with the other residents (beneath her) and relies on me to visit and entertain her ... she has no friends, refused to try and make any and ran off the few she had. I have to steel myself to visit once a week and run her errands and I'm angry, stomach cramps and so on for 24 hours after.

I'm trying to rebuild my life now, volunteering at the local hospital, going to the dog park and rejoining a small business group that meets for lunch every two weeks. Spring is around the corner and I'll be planting a large garden (I live way out in the country), canning the harvest and keep some chickens ... living my life the way I want to..

I'm not visiting for a while now. Mommie Dearest's happiness (just before my father died he said "your mother will never be satisfied with anything") is not my responsibility She always refused to have anything to do with people because they were beneath her and that's not my problem.

Stress is taking a toll on me, as at 79 years of age and the caregiver for my husband who has Alzheimers, I feel the anxiety and depression. I do what I have to do. My children live near by, which is a great help. At this point my husband still drives. When that ability is gone, then I will have to make arrangements for a place for him, unless I can have a caregiver for 24 hours or whatever it takes. I am more disorganized, but yet have to work on that. we have almost 30 acres. Our home is comfortable and yet that is a lot to keep up. Right now my husband still mows the place. Three days ago he thought two women were coming over to take him somewhere. He didn't know who they were, but he kept waiting for them. This disease can make one hallucinate. I don't think it is the medicines. He will be starting a study using coconut and palm oil next month. marymember

I think that some of us should be calling Adult Protective Services (for ourselves!)

Thank-you Tryingmybest. I think a lot of people on this site have scars including you I bet. Its nice we can share with each other.

I'm so sorry Gershun. The scars that must have left you with....

In addition to caring for Mom I also lived with a schizophrenic brother all through my childhood. He was violent at times and very unpredictable so I lived in terror of him hurting someone in my family.

To this day I am scared of confrontation of any kind. I get physically ill and start to shake when ever I'm around that sort of thing.

I know it can and the statistics say it does.

The most sick I have ever been was after caring for a Mentally ill loved on in my home. He was physically able but his mental state was a roller coaster and he also had seizures . The seizures were rare but terrifying. The first time it happened I thought he had died because his eyes were open, he had stopped breathing and was white as a sheet. We still don't know exactly why. He had periods of delusion that were very hard to deal with. I slept poorly and never knew what the day would bring. It took 2 years for a proper diagnosis for his mental illness and another year and a half of medication and treatment before he was stable enough to live on his own again.

Without gong into detail I ended up getting seriously ill. The silver lining is, the many tests they ran on me found two genetic medical disorders that are now being followed and managed. I am taking better care of myself and will never again put myself in a position of harm to care for another person. I will make sure they are cared for but not at the expense of my own health.

Yes it can. I am dead on my feet.

KROGER123456
Wish I could give you advice but I'm in the same boat! Have to keep my phone with me at all times! Went on a short vacation last year and was called several times by caregivers about happenings with mom! Can't tell her I'm going or she'd be upset! I'm trying to get her into respite care through hospice next month for a week's getaway! If I can get her in maybe I'll have one week without worry for her! I'm sure she'll have one more fit about going but I so need some relaxation! I just call her everyday so she doesn't know I'm gone!

Hello I feel I like caregivng can kill you The stress taking care of dementia patient Where you try to help them and encourage them But all they want to do is argue with you I know they don't undersrtand i know you don't argue back But the stress is killing me Anyone know i can handle this better Or what do you do in this situation I ready to pack it up Get my life back

Hello I agree about wanted to leave an run away I feel like I take care of dementia patient And the stress can really get to you I understand will your coming from Glad we have a place to vent

The answer to your question can be a "yes", but do not let the stressors of caregiving damage your health to where it is fatal. No one would want that for a caregiver!

Absolutely!! You will never convince me that my Daddy put off going to the doctor because he knew he was dying and the stress alone caused him more problems.

Thanks for your advice everyone! It's so stressful that I sometimes just want to get in my car and run away, not telling anyone where I am! Lol! I feel for all of you who are going through this! Seems the older generation has this thing about their home! I told mom one day "you can't take it with you when you die"! I've already told my two sons I want to go to assisted living when I'm no longer able to stay alone! I'm not that selfish to tie them down taking care of me! It wouldn't be fair to them!

Yes, I am a caregiver and when my mom (stage v lung cancer metastatic to brain) and I went on "vacation" last summer I suddenly had a severe muscle spasm around my lung and heart that constricted my breathing when I moved even the slightest bit. It hurt so much I thought I was having a heart attack. When the ambulance arrive they thought it was for my mother on oxygen. I was not having a heart attack or any of the symptoms -- it turned out to be a muscle spasm caused by stress that was treated by muscle relaxant. I have had it again about three times since then.

They talk about high blood pressure being 'the silent killer' but they are wrong, all the hundreds of thousands of Caregivers that are ignored by society and by their own family have the 'silent killer' diagnosis! Society needs a wake up call but it seems to be going the opposite direction regarding the magnitude of the problem. I cared for my already difficult husband for 5 years after a MVA and it was a nightmare beyond anything I would wish on my worse enemy. I could have written word for word what Marialake posted, always been healthy, took good care of my body and mind, until I became a Caregiver. Well, he died in July 2014 and my health seemed to hit a 'speed bump' but being the optimistic person I had been, I just chalked it up to years of stress and needing time to recover and then get on with the life I had before. Six months after his death I was diagnosed with a 'rare' cancer and no one knows what causes it but I know, for me, it was the unbearable years as a Caretaker and the stress that comes with the job title. Getting him to an AL the last year of his life was just a tiny bit of help but due to all the problems he cased in the facility, I was doing all I could to keep him from being kicked to the curb. Family all around but none would even consider helping. So, my take away is…don't…just don't be 'that' Caregiver unless you are willing to give up your life and your health for the one you love and if so, ask yourself if that loved one would want you to die for them?

After reading so many who have had their own health issues, spending their own money to care for their parents, loved ones, etc. and giving up their lives totally to care for them, I must say THAT is not what we are supposed to do!! There is help out there to not have to do that. There is support for relief, there are wonderful Adult Family Homes and Assisted Living homes. Nursing homes are NOT the only option to help. We are never supposed to allow ANYONE to ruin our home or our lives or our health or our finances or our marriages or our whatever in order for us to take care of them to stay in their home. Never. If we do that, we are only enabling them. We are NOT taking care of ourselves as we are supposed to. When that line crosses and it does start affecting our health and lives in a very negative way, causing hatred and anger and such, then it is time for us to step in and make a difficult decision to move them. Do it. Otherwise the consequences will be huge and life long. We are never supposed to lose our life at the expense of another person. Especially when they are in their 80's and 90's and we are in our 60's or 70's! Seek help. Seek Medicaid. Seek support and wisdom and advice to free you of more pain and heatache. Your loved ones may not like it, but you will like yourself more in the end. You have to live with yourself. And YOU are the one left behind after they are gone. Do not lose yourself in their pain. The consequences are far too great.

I totally understand. I was mom's POA and Caregiver and support for a year while she lived at home with caregivers and hospice home health full time. That took all her money and then she went on Medicaid with part-time caregivers. Her wish was to stay at home and tho very difficult, we kept that wish for her. She passed away mid Feb. and I have felt exhausted and sad and "odd" ever since then. But I realized after it was all over that I was on an adrenaline high that whole time also. Living long distance and going to see her every couple of weeks on the train. Planning schedules with care givers and talking to Doctors and nurses and my train trips and.......It was quite the marathon. My cell was on hold all the time and attached to my hip. It is now quite lonely but in a good way. Very quiet. Very still. Mom is out of pain and not suffering any more. After her service, which went very well in honoring her, and then parting with her belongings and selling things and all that, I physically and emotionally crashed. I am still recovering and giving myself time to do that. I am now getting more sleep, reading inspirational books, my Bible, praying, resting, going to the gym, swimming, and just taking time for myself that I have not totally done in a year. I felt my year was on hold. on pause. I am getting back to writing. Back to helping people get healthy with my home business. I have mom's elderly dog which I love so I am enjoying her and our walks together. Just trying to get back to enjoying life like I did long ago before mom got so sick. It takes a lot to care for our elderly parents/loved ones who are in poor health and eventually die. We do the best we can. We have no regrets. We do not look back except to learn and pass on what we learned to help others. We try to take care of ourselves as best we can during that process, but afterwards we are bound to feel the loss in great ways personally. The void is huge because the care we gave them was huge. The goal now has to be getting focused on OUR health and OUR well being and what we need to be doing now with the time we have here on this earth. We don't have anything to give away if we are not getting filled up. After caregiving and they pass on, God looks at us and says "well done, thou good and faithful servant." Now, get going on resting and refreshing and refueling for the next task ahead. Stress IS a killer. My kid's dad died at age 47 of heart failure climbing the corporate ladder in his stressful marriage in poor health. If they could call stress a disease they would make a fortune. We all know good stress is healthy. We all know bad stress is a killer and manifests itelsef in many forms. Take care of yourself as best you can during the time our loved ones are alive, but NEVER totally neglect yourself during that time. It WILL kill you. And, when they pass on, put your health and well being at a priority. We owe it to ourselves. Or we will begin to have health issues that will cause us to not enjoy life like we are supposed to! And our loved ones would really not want that for us.

Whiska, have given thought to this regarding my Sis who was dying and scheduled to go into a care facility. Based on that in answer to your question, I'd make sure it had a good reputation, try and pick one close to your house, plan on having a cup of her favorite coffee/tea with her for 1/2 hour each morning, call lots, toss her laundry in with mine, have a standing appointment for "dinner at my place" every Sunday night. Make sure she feels like she still has power and respect, is still part of our life, just with a different address now.

I know I have had the stomach cramps and spasms and missed many doctors’ appointments. Since I finally got her into assisted living I have been in PT for a knee injury while taking care of her. And been determined to get my walking capability back. I've been wondering how long before the stress hits me hard in another way like a heart attack and it scares the hell out of me. Now I just have to deal with the financial side her care thank goodness. But I also have had to deal with all her brothers and sisters as to why she can't have this or do that she sounds fine on the phone. I don't see what the problems is why does she have to live there. They don't listen to me they don't hear what I have to say. They are all out of state and don't see her but once every year or two years maybe or longer. they didn't live with her while the decline started and everyone said no wait to put her in assisted living she is okay and just fine. I waited for 5 years and said enough. They didn't see her killing herself with drinking and not taking medicine. And not being able to keep track of what day of the week it was or what time of day it was. Or hording everything and donating money to every charity in the world while living with my husband and I and not paying a dime. Or having to clean up after her from the messes she made in the kitchen, living room and the bathrooms. Or the fact that she destroyed my $5000.00 Oriental rug because she liked it. But would never put her dog out to use the bathroom it was too much trouble at night to let her out. Or the fact that I now have to live with this dog that is mean to everyone but me and her. Stress a killer. Yes. Anger that comes from handling it big time. And I've been a pacifist all my life and have gotten mad at people and told them I have a death wish and I didn't know it would be them or me but stay out of my way. I didn't even know it came out of my mouth until it did. Stress, Anger, Hate, Health issues, it can all kill you and you never know when. Take the time now really evaluate the situation is this best for them or you? If the real answer is she would be better in an assisted living so you can go back to life. Do it. Then you can limit your visits and the sputum that is poured on you from others. The rest of the family be damned are they going to be there for you? No. Forget them it is not worth killing yourself over. Getting Medicaid is hard but do it anyway for yourself and for the person that needs the care. Step back.