Caregiving is draining my family especially me! I get resentful and I hate that, is it normal?

Hospice might provide relief for you and your family.
Think about contacting them and see if they can help.
They are a caring organization and will help any way they can.
take care of yourself, you must.

Wow..and I thought we had it tough.

I have no friends, no life, its come to this, so pathetic, I know! BUT thanks to everyone's caring responses it helps so much! Good news, my sister made it through chemo/radiation shes done they only gave her 5 weeks of it. She just needs to be checked regularly every few months. I am so HAPPY PROUD OF MY SISTERS STRENGTH! AND I LOVE HER so much! Is it bad to say that even before her cancer she didnt help with mom even though she lives 3 blocks away. I think 2 mths after her treatments is a good time to TELL HER TO JUST BABYSIT MOM TO GIVE ME TIME TO BREATHE AND BE WITH MY KIDS! SHE DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHIN, but sit & talk to mom. She babysits all her grandkids NOW everyday/weekends anyway, why? so her daughters can work or party & they have money for daycare. My daughter's doctor have found more tumors in her body just this monday Im terrified! & noone other than me,her dad, & her brothers seem to care! Not even my mom or my sister they are the SAME NARCISSISTS! The truth is the truth I love/help them but that has always been a oneway thing my whole life. I miss my dad I am just like him simple, & loving!

Omg I thought my plate was overfull with my bed ridden mom. You are lady! I am so sorry all of this problem hit you at once. I will suggest you get mom into a home or an assisted living she will have other elders like her to interact. Do you join any church sometimes they are great help in bringing fresh meals and someone to help clean the house. I always said I will not put my mom until recently my sister told me she is drained out. I am currently 6 months pregnant can't hardly help her anymore. Now I am in the process of moving her to a long term care because I need time for my 6 yrs old plus my new born baby to come. Please take care of yourself first otherwise you will be ended sick unable to care for the rest of the family.

i would write down what that mother said and repeat it back to her when i put her in a nh ...i just don't have the time to take care of you properly.. OR i would just shrug and tell her, looks like you are still alive so i must be doing something right.
your children are your priority, period. and maybe you should run away with your babies for a weekend, leave adult protectives phone number with your mother and pray she calls so when you get home they will have already taken her away.

You are in my prayers as well. I would suggest trying an in-home caregiver service. You need to take a step back and think about what you need to do for your own health. If you can not take care of yourself, no one can expect you to take care of anyone else. Is there anyone else you can ask for help with the running around so you can take care of your mother? It's completely normal for you to feel this way. Hope this helps!

Cryssy, I don't know what I can add to all the good counsel and encouragement others have given, except to say that I hope and pray that you get relief, but pronto! Have you spoken to members of your church? I can't imagine them not wanting to rush to your aid, but you need to let your pastor or the head of the women's group know. (In my church, it is called the Relief Society.) You have been given a heavy burden, but the Lord does not expect you to bear it alone. Others out there need the blessing of helping you in your time of crisis.

P.S. Where do you live? I wonder if your family's illnesses were triggered by environmental poisons. Fracking, nuclear waste, mercury, etc. There is so much of it out there and it is killing us!

My thoughts and prayers are with you. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but he sure gave you a basketful of hard trials. Hopefully your children will be alright, that is most important. You have to take time for yourself, even if it is just a few minutes each hour. Hide, close the door to your bedroom, even if you do it to cry. That does let off some pain and steam. I thought my situation was bad....I should stop complaining. My Mom is 96 (diabetic, high blood pressure, cannot walk or dress herself or keep herself clean and has dementia) and my brother 73 (losing his eyesight) are both living with me.
Both are obstinate and cranky. My escape time is going to the grocery store or running errands.

Look in your neighborhood or church you can find group therapy some times for free

I am starting group therapy I hope it will help get rid of the resentment I dont like feeling this way

There are good comments on here and the only thing that I can add is to see if there is an oncology social worker in your town that could help line up some help for your sister. There should be some transportation available hopefully, so that you could get some time for any other needs. My aunt had cancer and they had a volunteer from a support group who took her to doctor visits.

cryssy2002 you are normal, human, and a very caring person. Hang in there and do follow some of the help mentioned above. Don't be hard on yourself if you get help for caring for those depending on you. I had resisted having help from outside but came to realize I needed it. I was getting just what you described that you are going through. I now have a helper come in 3Xs a week for a couple of hours to give me some "me time." I use that for my own chores or just doing nothing :-) I hope you can solve some of your issues in the very near future. Good luck and know that you are not alone.

cryssy2012: My heart goes out to you. You have more on your plate than you can handle, and you are going to get sick yourself if you don't make some changes. Contact some free caregiving aid places. A place for mom is one I use. They can put you in touch with people who can help ease the burden. You are not alone. Sometimes when I am with my mother, I think my head is going to explode, she is so difficult. Every time the phone rings I shudder because I will have to talk her down (for the third time, from her latest drama). Being a senior in not so great health, I can tell you the toll it takes on you if you don't find a way to get out from under. Remember - you will do no one any good, and they will have to find someone else to help if you get sick from this. Be a little selfish.

Wow, and I thought I had it tough! I understand your stress. I care 24/7 for my husband for the past 5 yrs. with MS (totally bedridden). It is sad. I have to change his depends, crying the whole time I do, sometimes. I finally moved in with my daughter, which hasn't lessened the stress really. In fact, I work more than ever because I do the housework and cooking and laundry so she can work. I wanted to get away for a weekend and my grandson is 18 so he offered to stay with him. I still didn't feel right about him having to change his grandfathers diaper and bathing him. We don't qualify for any services (have talked with Dept of Aging) but my daughter made a brilliant suggestion. We have in our area an adult education school and she suggested I call them since they have a nursing certification class. She called for me and I had 4 students call me the very next day. This is what they are training for. I hired one for the weekend, she even stayed on call. What I paid her was up to me. So I gave her $200 for a 4 day get-away which I desperately needed. I didn't have to worry at all! She would email everyday and she made sure to call Bob during the day after she had visited. She bathed him, did it all!! You should have some sort of nursing school or something like that in your area. Give them a call. The girl I hired said they like it for their resume. So you are helping them out too. And this is what they are training for, so they will treat them good! It was a great experience for me and I would suggest it to anyone, if you don't have friends that will sit with her for just a few hours, for you to get away. Anytime you can escape is worth it. I hope this helps. You truly are going to burn out quickly. Everyone here is correct. You are no good to anyone if you are not there any longer to help them. As far as the suggestion of a nursing home. My husband thought I was just trying to get rid of him when I suggested it until I reminded him of how nice it was when he had a stay in the hospital and when he came home he had nurses aids that came in to care for him. I told him that if he were in a home he would get 24/7 care from people that had changed shifts so they were fresh...and that this is their job to care for them. Then reminded him of how nice the aids were that came to visit him (which he loved because they were so sweet and caring and he loved their attention). I also reassured him that I would visit every day. Suddenly his attitude changed and he is looking forward to going to a home. Please get help for them and you will find your role lighten up to a point that is doable. And don't let yourself feel guilty that all of a sudden you don't have so much to care for. That is a trap many of us caregivers fall into. It does not have to be all on you!! My prayers are certainly with you!

You only have one life. It's wonderful to be able to care for a parent, but not at the expense of your own health-- physical and mental. My two adult children had an 'intervention" with me after I had had my 93 year old mom at home with me for 7 years after a major stroke. Even though I had caregivers for her I had reached the limit of my ability to tolerate the stress. We got her on Medicaid and moved to a small nursing home that is providing wonderful care. Now after almost five months she is doing so much better. She gets lots of attention from the staff, has more social interaction, does a few of the planned activities, wheels a round the building in her wheelchair and just seems much happier. I wish I had done it much sooner. It took my children give me permission to say I couldn't do it anymore. Everyone needs to set realistic limits and priorities for how much we do. Energy and time are not unlimited. It's hard to make these changes but in the long run you will feel so much better.

cryssy, I am praying for you. Come on this site to vent whenever you need to. You need emotional support and this is a good place. You are an angel!

I am not sure about where you live, but I know that there are many organizations who will provide transportation for chemo and radiation pateints. Might want to ask the nurses at your sister's clinic. this will help free up that time for you. I know when my father had cancer he used it and it was a tremendous help. As for your Mom... Do you have any family that can help? It doesn't have to just be siblings, my sibling doent help at all, but my cousins and I help each other with our parents. As for your children... well, anyone will tell you it is actually healthier for parents to get away for a couple of hours every so often. Is there someone you could leave them with for a couple of hours, you could go watch a movie, take a walk, unwind. Even a couple of hours getting away from it all can help.
I take care of both my parents, I have 4 children, and 2 jobs, some days it seems like your not going to make it. Those are the days you need help. I will pray for you.

My son is also doing much better and so am I.

Also, I did find a new residence for my elderly relative. The initial talk and move and immediate post move time were filled with drama but now things are much better and this relative is happier and receives more care than I could give.

I have a son who has autism. I tried the elder family member living with us and it wrecked my health and compromised my son's progress and on and on and on. Your primary responsibility is to your children who need you very much. There are plenty of residences that accept medicaid so it is time for you to move your mom into one of those and let someone take over the caregiving responsibilities. If your sister is also living with you, work to find a place for her also and supports. If you call your county social services they have resources. You can still have input into your mom and sister's life but as a relative rather than a caregiver. Your son really needs you right now and your daughter also. What will happen to your little guy and your little girl who have significant health issues if you fall apart and can't take care of them. I'm giving you permission to let go of caregiving your mom and your sister and finding a new place for your mom to live and let someone else take care of her. This is too much for anyone to expect you to do. You cannot do it all. Let others take over the caregiving of your mom and sister.

There is help you just have to look for it you can get in home care

My family also thinks I have everything! Ha! Only one sibling helps me get out occasionally. It is very depressing to know that is what they think, so many don't want to help me because they think there is nothing for them. Sad, really sad. Personally I'd rather be working and enjoying the pool, beach and camping like the rest of my family...must be nice. But, I love my dad so here I am. I at least know I have done everything I could to help him. I do look forward to having a life with my husband. (We have only been out of the house for 7 months early on just after marrying). Very sad to have your family feel this way. But I have a clear conscience. I know at the end they will not. While we don't have children, in the middle of this our beloved cat was diagnosed with cancer, inoperable and to far for chemo. So we now have two patients to take care of. I am watching two patients slowly die before my eyes and it can be unbearable. I hope it goes better for you when you get help in.

In it for the long haul - hugs to you Cryssy2002!

Great answer Kalafw. Best to you as well

Cryssy, you've been given excellent advice and pls note that every single post said to take time for YOU. I let myself get so sick that I'm now facing open heart surgery and was admitted twice to the hospital due to medical problems I ignored. Then you aren't doing anything for anyone. Seek HELP and do it NOW. Like the others said, get that HELP to have someone take a child to an appointment, or clean the house or do laundry or let you take a NAP. Of course your parent isn't going to want you to leave her side for one second, she's sick and doesn't understand, doesn't comprehend. She will survive, I promise you that. And after the first or second time you do leave her with someone else, you WILL find that it is easier on you to do it. Leave GUILT at the door when you step outside. It does get easier, you will learn to cope with delegating. And if someone DARES to judge you, then you dare them to do what you do for 7 days straight, no breaks, let them literally walk in your shoes. Watch how fast they will then back down and run hard and fast away and never judge you again. I've had family members who refused to understand my stress and frustration and anger and poor pity me thinking, their thinking was how cool to be able to stop working and just stay home all day and take care of people that you've known your whole life, watch tv, nap, read, cook....until I had someone come do it for just 10 hours...yes, HOURS....without me there....that person never once volunteered to come back and help but never again judged. Bottom line is you have to take care of YOU or no one else will be taken care of. But do get some HELP. With your children both being so ill, there should be some sort of program out there to assist you, do some chores, give you some rest. And you will find that help, you found us, right? So you are already on the path to finding more help. But again, sounding like a parrot, take care of YOU. We've been there done that, trying to split ourselves 10 ways and do it all, it simply doesn't work. And no one will judge you if you can't do it all. If they DARE to judge, this simply means they have never encountered what you, what we, have.

You are entitled to feel as you do and rightfully so. Although i really hope some of the great suggestions help you, sometimes people just want to be heard and not told what to do and this site is great for that too. Just for the support to know you're not alone. So vent away we're here for you. Please take care of yourself.

Normal? There is no normal. Each of is is different. What Adler called the psychology of individual differences applies to the ways in which we respond to stress in our lives.

However, your reactions are not unusual.

When you get to the point you are at, then it is time to see a health provider to see whether help can be extended to you.

You have a lot on your plate and since none of us are superhuman, we need to get help when we need it, but ideally to seek it before we reach breaking pint.

Apart from needing help with your overload, you sound ready for some respite.

Ask for help before everyone is asking, "Where did she go?"

You need a support group, and lost of understanding.

[heart]

The only thing I can think if is that if your mom never appreciated or showed affection to you SHE is the one with a problem, there is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to resent being drained dry and given nothing back but more criticism - it is wrong, not you. If mom used to be appreciative and nice and isn't any more, you are going to have to write it off to her having lost cognitive capabilities of perspective taking and empathy - she is aware of only her own needs now, and even if it is not something she can't help, it's still NOT your fault. NOT being sad and angry about this is what would be un-Christian because it would mean you didn't care and didn't love.

You need RESPITE BADLY!!!! WHO CAN HELP???? ASK, ASK, ASK can the county???? If you die, then what becomes of all of them??? YOU FIRST!!!!

Just remember as they get older and face their own mortality, they do become selfish for the most part. It ends up being all about them. I am facing that now. My mom on the other hand worried about how it would effect us, but she was always an angel that way. It's hard because we think what about us? If it's not about us some we become unhealthy. Try to breath and have a social worker come in because none of us can do it 24\7 and they will have direction for you. That is my next step to have them come in and assess dad to see how to make it easier on us caregivers. Just know we feel ya. Hugs.

At one time, I also was the only able person out of five adults in what I jokingly called my nursing home. I did all the transportation, cleaning, yard work, and most of the grocery shopping for almost three years. I do feel for you. You must let your mother whine and pout on her own time, because you don't have any time for that. Find a volunteer from her church to come visit with her once a week to give you the time you need for yourself. Take her to the local senior center a couple of times a week. Some of them have rides for the elders who can't drive. I'm assuming your children are in school most of the day. While they are there find a time when you just tell Mom that you're going out, taking a nap, etc. everyday even if its for just a few minutes for your alone time. See if your sister can get transported to her chemo by a service that takes people to their doctors visits. Check with your local Cancer Society for info on this and other services. And don't put off your own doctor appointment. Take care of yourself.