Caregiving is draining my family especially me! I get resentful and I hate that, is it normal?

Social Services, Area Agency On Aging (look under human resources for your city & state. There may be some program/s out there to assist you. Bless your heart! Don't know how you are doing so much. And now, for your sake, go see a Dr. now! You are under so much stress that you could do permanent damage to yourself. You do realize that stress can kill even young people? Who is going to help if you are no longer able? Even if you at least go have a consult with your Mom's Dr. The Dr. ( or nurse there) will possibly have a list of "visiting angels" kind of thing which is "volunteers" (there is a fee depending on what services you want). Is it possible for a friend (yours or moms) to come "sit" for an hour or so? We were able to get members of moms church to "sit" a few times. We didn't always leave the property but it was a very welcomed break. Actually, when they would show up Mom pretty much told us, and not nicely, to leave! I wish you luck getting to the solution you need. The Human Resources Office in your area will probably have a few suggestions. Please don't get discouraged. And come here to scream and vent as often as you need to. Did you know that you could just make the statement "I wish they would all just die and leave me alone" and know one will judge you for that! And try not to feel guilty for very long if/when you do because a lot of us have already been there. Hope this info helps. Hang in there!

Alleviating stress is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Being under constant mental, physical, and emotional stress will wear on your body day by day and there will come a time, if you don't unload some of it, when your body will rebel and send physical and mental signals to you that you have to slow down. Maybe this is already happening. If you continue you will end up in the hospital yourself. Who will care for your mom then? Or your son? Or your sister?

You have to have help. In-home caregiver or a family member. Someone to shoulder some of the burden you are carrying. Again, this is not a luxury but a necessity.

It's physically impossible to be an effective caregiver to 4 people. You're not doing any of them any favors because you are crumbling under the stress as anyone in your shoes would. Mom may have to go into assisted living. You may have to hire an in-home caregiver for your sister. Is she on social security or Medicaid? A caregiver can take her and from her appointments.

Again, what you're doing is impossible. Maybe you haven't come across that straw that broke the camel's back yet but it's coming. You're going to snap or your health will fall apart. What happens then? Go to any lengths to relieve some of the stress you're under.

And stress is cumulative. When you lay your head down tonight, relieved to have gotten through another day, the stress you've experienced today will still be with you tomorrow. The stress you experience tomorrow will be with you the next day and on and on. If you don't relieve it it will take a toll on you. Your body is already sending you signals. Pay attention to them.

when I had my 90 year old mother living with me I had frequent heart palpitations so much that I thought I'd be dead on the floor one day where my daughters' could then find me! the stress of caring for an elderly person is so difficult and my sister was zero help even though I am the only single parent in our family. the elderly get very selfish sounding - I don't know what it is - all social graces they once had go away so my mother would take out her false teeth after teeth to clean them (with her tongue, God help me), sneeze or cough without ever covering, etc. the little things add up and soon you are stressed so tight you think you;ll explode! it sounds as though you have so much on your plate you might want to rethink things. after 3 years of mom living with me she started falling during the night. it was then that I made the STRESSFUL decision to get her into assisted living, which I secretly thought would never work due to her crabbiness and rudeness to others. well, surprise! she is a whole different person - made friends, doing exercise class, actually smiling. who is this person? and I can't tell you the weight lifted off my shoulders.

you have two kids who need you very much to stay healthy - think of yourself for once. Nancy

GET SOME HELP! Keep calling around until you do!!! You've got more on your plate than anybody should bear. Can you get mom into a daycare program? How about a nursing home or assisted living? Can you get someone in to help with your kids? You can't keep doing what you're doing, and you won't be able to care for anybody if you continue to shoulder this burden alone. Best wishes.

Cryssy, you need to see a doctor for yourself. I know what it's like to have an ill child (only one of mine is chronically ill), multiple elders who need constant help and no time to take care of myself. I did some damage to my own health. You are doing the same, only your situation is much worse. If you don't find a way to take care of yourself, all of these people who depend on you will be without your care at all. It's vital for all of the people you love that you find a way to see a doctor and take care of yourself.

Your mother should qualify for nursing home care. If she has no assets, then she can go on Medicaid. While some nursing homes are still horrible, most have improved and in many communities they are excellent. Even if your area doesn't have top quality homes, this is an emergency. You can visit your mom, but your kids and you need to survive, too. Just think how your mother would feel if she really could go back in her mind and understand that her neediness took your life?

Type the name of your state and the word "aging" into your browser. Scan the list of aging services available locally and then start looking for help. You will likely find a connection to your Area Agency on Aging. You also should find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. It may have a different name, but each state has a program. They can be very helpful. Look up local human services online or in your phone book to find out if they can help. You absolutely need to get outside intervention here to take care of everyone as well as yourself.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol

Are you normal? Cryssy, I don't know how you're still standing. With all that you're doing, you're not normal, you're superhuman.

It's easy for outsiders to see the solution. It's far more difficult when you're standing in the middle of it and can't see a way out. But as everyone has already pointed out, making your life easier isn't a luxury or a self-indulgence, it's a necessity. You're holding this family together. If you go under, so does everyone else.

All of the things you are doing are important. But you don't have to do ALL of them ALL of the time. One example: you want to get away with your children for a short break; but, you ask, what will happen to mother? Honestly? Get some respite care set up and nothing will happen to her - nothing bad, that is. In fact, she'll benefit from both a change of scene (or at least some new faces around her) and a rested, happier daughter.

I'm guessing you'll say your mother wouldn't like it. Mm. Yup, that is the point at which you say "tough." You do not need your mother's permission, let alone her smiling blessing, to arrange for someone else to cover you for a few days. You know that no harm will come to her, you know that you are not abandoning her (or whatever else she silently or explicitly accuses you of), you know she'll be safe. Get it organised, and go.

But if it were just one thing, you could have worked that one out for yourself. The trouble is having so much to deal with that you can't stand still for long enough to figure out how to manage better.

Sit down with a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor - anyone who's happy to help you bounce some ideas around. Think about or mind map or list all of the things that you do, and score them as high, medium or low. Very important: then you underline the ones that ONLY YOU can do. Those are your priorities. Everything else has to fit in around them, or get delegated to some other capable person.

There is only one of you. There are only 24 hours in the day. You cannot be everywhere and do everything, and if you try - long before you eventually collapse - you will end up doing no one any good.

You have to rest. Yes, you do. Time to ask for help.

Wonderful answer, Countrymouse. And, yes, it's always much easier to look from the outside and say "this is what you do." I know. I've been there. When we're in the middle of it and know every detail and love all the people, it's much, much harder to carry out. Yet, there are times when if we don't we'll collapse. Excellent advice.
Carol

Chryssy you have made the time to get on your computer to seek support. Can you also use it as a problem solving tool. OK easier said than done. Type out a list of your problems. Write tham on paper if that is easier. Any order it does not matter.
For example #1 Chemo appointments
#2 Renal Drs
#3 Housecleaning
#4 Food shopping
#5 See my Dr
#6 Seek therapy (no your are not mentally ill but you need a nonjudgemental outsidre to help set your prioities.
#7 Arrange a break (at least a week)
There will be many more and when you have finished arrange them in your order of prioity. Life threatening ones come first so move your Drs visit to the top of the list. Only you can do that one. Someone else could manage the chemo and renal Drs. (Would the recipients of these services rather see you continue to do this or attend your funeral) there are often people in the community that volunteer for various organizations that would be prepared to drive for these purposes. If Mom is safe to be left alone she has to be told that she sucks it up or you will arrange residential care.
All of this is very very hard to do in the midst of the panic driven crisis you find yourself in but what else can you do ?Runaway ?commit suicide where would everyone be then.
Is possible to put Mom in a NH (She won't agree but as others have done on her next ER visit refuse to take her home) Yes it's tough but that is what touch love is about doing the best for those you love) You love your sister and want to take care of her during her treatments but is it possible for her to stay with someone else for the duration? getting two out of the house would leave you your own family to take care of and of course yourself. Do you think you can do this? Blessings

Yes, you are normal.
You are overwhelmed....your plate is full.....
What you are experiencing is justified..... and rightfully so.
Seek an outlet....give what you are feeling a voice....get it out!
Right here....right now....is a good starting point.
We are here to listen.

Prayers for you! All the answers above give great advise I cannot add to that other than you are in my thoughts and prayers!

I feel the same way, but I keep on trucking! Got to at least float in the ocean on my birthday, which was very healing! Need more of that! Got to do something for yourself that makes you feel a healing touch. Hang in there!

Yes it is normal to feel this way. I take care of my two disabled parents full time in my husband and my home....difficult to say the least...I do it for love of God and my parents...I know they would not get better care anywhere else. I have been very I'll for 17 years with chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic insomnia. I have 4 sisters that do not help out at all. It is a cross for me each day but I know that carrying it thee best I can each day helps lead me on towards heaven...our ultimate home. If we keep our eyes fixed on that things it get easier. God never gives US what we cannot handle, and the grace comes from embracing our crosses. With that in mind I struggle every day as I feel sooooooo sick every day, but I am happy to offer it up for what Jesus did for me! Best wishes and hang in there...we all are!

I put my mom in assistance living she calls me everyday. She wants me to go over everyday. She calls me to let me know she's ok or she says I will be ok it's like she wants me to worry about her where is so much the doctors don't know because they only see what goes on when she goes to the office my mother lies to the doctors they believe her and not me its a long story year's of pain and frustration

Thank you all for responding. I really do appreciate every answer/advice I received. Today I am so angry with mom went took my sister to chemo. Came home and shes ranting that I dont listen to her, poor her, yes, I love her, but my sister has diarrhea/vomiting so much, she so ill. Can an elderly lady be selfish? I imagined her being sweet not this way. I need to whine to feel better, this is my only help for NOW. I am currently looking for help. I had a horrific panic attack today of anger, sadness & fear! FEAR OF HURTING MYSELF JUST TO GO TO HOSPITAL AND REST!!! Plz pray I am a Christian those thoughts were not ME! Thank you everyone!

Yes it is normal I have so much resentment I am happy one day then angry or sad the next taking care of two people who where depressed is so draining I had other sisters but no body wanted to help they said they had their own life did not have time to help. It makes me so resentful there so much nobody knows. Even when I put my mom in assistance living some family members told me they didn't like what I was doing but they didn't want to help but their giving there opinions I tell them walk a mile in my shoes then you can judge me.

Resentful for the lies she told to the doctor but if I knew back then what I know now that's all

Im so sorry.But I understand! My mom does the same thing! There is something terribly wrong with those who judge us without being in our shoes. I give my mom all the care I can. She should be proud of me for doing my best. I NEVER CAN PLEASE HER. SOUNDS CRAZY cuz shes elderly youd think at one point in my life she would have been proud of me. The funny thing is I LOVE HER SO MUCH REGARDLESS of how much I get my feelings all way out of whack! But its affecting my ILL CHILDREN & thats what really hurts. Again Thank you for this support group! Its amazingly so helpful.

At one time, I also was the only able person out of five adults in what I jokingly called my nursing home. I did all the transportation, cleaning, yard work, and most of the grocery shopping for almost three years. I do feel for you. You must let your mother whine and pout on her own time, because you don't have any time for that. Find a volunteer from her church to come visit with her once a week to give you the time you need for yourself. Take her to the local senior center a couple of times a week. Some of them have rides for the elders who can't drive. I'm assuming your children are in school most of the day. While they are there find a time when you just tell Mom that you're going out, taking a nap, etc. everyday even if its for just a few minutes for your alone time. See if your sister can get transported to her chemo by a service that takes people to their doctors visits. Check with your local Cancer Society for info on this and other services. And don't put off your own doctor appointment. Take care of yourself.

Just remember as they get older and face their own mortality, they do become selfish for the most part. It ends up being all about them. I am facing that now. My mom on the other hand worried about how it would effect us, but she was always an angel that way. It's hard because we think what about us? If it's not about us some we become unhealthy. Try to breath and have a social worker come in because none of us can do it 24\7 and they will have direction for you. That is my next step to have them come in and assess dad to see how to make it easier on us caregivers. Just know we feel ya. Hugs.

You need RESPITE BADLY!!!! WHO CAN HELP???? ASK, ASK, ASK can the county???? If you die, then what becomes of all of them??? YOU FIRST!!!!

The only thing I can think if is that if your mom never appreciated or showed affection to you SHE is the one with a problem, there is nothing wrong with you. You have every right to resent being drained dry and given nothing back but more criticism - it is wrong, not you. If mom used to be appreciative and nice and isn't any more, you are going to have to write it off to her having lost cognitive capabilities of perspective taking and empathy - she is aware of only her own needs now, and even if it is not something she can't help, it's still NOT your fault. NOT being sad and angry about this is what would be un-Christian because it would mean you didn't care and didn't love.

Normal? There is no normal. Each of is is different. What Adler called the psychology of individual differences applies to the ways in which we respond to stress in our lives.

However, your reactions are not unusual.

When you get to the point you are at, then it is time to see a health provider to see whether help can be extended to you.

You have a lot on your plate and since none of us are superhuman, we need to get help when we need it, but ideally to seek it before we reach breaking pint.

Apart from needing help with your overload, you sound ready for some respite.

Ask for help before everyone is asking, "Where did she go?"

You need a support group, and lost of understanding.

[heart]

You are entitled to feel as you do and rightfully so. Although i really hope some of the great suggestions help you, sometimes people just want to be heard and not told what to do and this site is great for that too. Just for the support to know you're not alone. So vent away we're here for you. Please take care of yourself.

Cryssy, you've been given excellent advice and pls note that every single post said to take time for YOU. I let myself get so sick that I'm now facing open heart surgery and was admitted twice to the hospital due to medical problems I ignored. Then you aren't doing anything for anyone. Seek HELP and do it NOW. Like the others said, get that HELP to have someone take a child to an appointment, or clean the house or do laundry or let you take a NAP. Of course your parent isn't going to want you to leave her side for one second, she's sick and doesn't understand, doesn't comprehend. She will survive, I promise you that. And after the first or second time you do leave her with someone else, you WILL find that it is easier on you to do it. Leave GUILT at the door when you step outside. It does get easier, you will learn to cope with delegating. And if someone DARES to judge you, then you dare them to do what you do for 7 days straight, no breaks, let them literally walk in your shoes. Watch how fast they will then back down and run hard and fast away and never judge you again. I've had family members who refused to understand my stress and frustration and anger and poor pity me thinking, their thinking was how cool to be able to stop working and just stay home all day and take care of people that you've known your whole life, watch tv, nap, read, cook....until I had someone come do it for just 10 hours...yes, HOURS....without me there....that person never once volunteered to come back and help but never again judged. Bottom line is you have to take care of YOU or no one else will be taken care of. But do get some HELP. With your children both being so ill, there should be some sort of program out there to assist you, do some chores, give you some rest. And you will find that help, you found us, right? So you are already on the path to finding more help. But again, sounding like a parrot, take care of YOU. We've been there done that, trying to split ourselves 10 ways and do it all, it simply doesn't work. And no one will judge you if you can't do it all. If they DARE to judge, this simply means they have never encountered what you, what we, have.

Great answer Kalafw. Best to you as well

My family also thinks I have everything! Ha! Only one sibling helps me get out occasionally. It is very depressing to know that is what they think, so many don't want to help me because they think there is nothing for them. Sad, really sad. Personally I'd rather be working and enjoying the pool, beach and camping like the rest of my family...must be nice. But, I love my dad so here I am. I at least know I have done everything I could to help him. I do look forward to having a life with my husband. (We have only been out of the house for 7 months early on just after marrying). Very sad to have your family feel this way. But I have a clear conscience. I know at the end they will not. While we don't have children, in the middle of this our beloved cat was diagnosed with cancer, inoperable and to far for chemo. So we now have two patients to take care of. I am watching two patients slowly die before my eyes and it can be unbearable. I hope it goes better for you when you get help in.

In it for the long haul - hugs to you Cryssy2002!

There is help you just have to look for it you can get in home care

I have a son who has autism. I tried the elder family member living with us and it wrecked my health and compromised my son's progress and on and on and on. Your primary responsibility is to your children who need you very much. There are plenty of residences that accept medicaid so it is time for you to move your mom into one of those and let someone take over the caregiving responsibilities. If your sister is also living with you, work to find a place for her also and supports. If you call your county social services they have resources. You can still have input into your mom and sister's life but as a relative rather than a caregiver. Your son really needs you right now and your daughter also. What will happen to your little guy and your little girl who have significant health issues if you fall apart and can't take care of them. I'm giving you permission to let go of caregiving your mom and your sister and finding a new place for your mom to live and let someone else take care of her. This is too much for anyone to expect you to do. You cannot do it all. Let others take over the caregiving of your mom and sister.

Also, I did find a new residence for my elderly relative. The initial talk and move and immediate post move time were filled with drama but now things are much better and this relative is happier and receives more care than I could give.

My son is also doing much better and so am I.