They have dementia and mom is on 24/7 oxygen. I am an only child. My husband works from home and is a very big help. I work full time out of the home. For the past 4 months we have aides 8hrs each day. Mom was always difficult and now every more so. It is effecting my marriage and I know my husband is burned out. I feel guilty to even think of putting them in a facility and they are lucid enough to be vehemently against it. I do have POA. The guilt I feel is also due to the resentment that both my husband and I have no life other than caring for them. Any advise would be so helpful.

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I agree with blannie. This is really too much. You and your husband need your lives back. You have many years ahead of you and need to be building for your own future as a couple. A good facility will take care of your parents. You will need some time to recover. Don't sacrifice yourselves and your marriage. Look after them.
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Dear Lou, You married your husband, not your parents. He is clearly devoted to you in every way being the in-home caregiver to both of them - he certainly is living up to his vows, and you are truly blessed. I fully understand your anguish about putting them in a facility against their wishes. However, please remember that with old age (even without dementia) comes selfishness and self centeredness - just like a child again. It is very clear that you and your husband need a LONG respite at this point. Hard and heart-wrenching as it would be, I would arrange a ONE MONTH respite in a facility for both of them. You have the POA 'POWER' to do that. Yes they will kick and scream, but whether they are able to understand it or not, it is for their benefit as well as yours to have 24/7 professional care, so that you and your husband can enjoy your vacation, reconnect as a couple, and recharge your batteries. I know this idea is easier said than done, but I hope you will seriously consider it. The reason I say ONE MONTH, is because that is how long it would take for both your parents to become reasonably acclimated to living in a facility. Some facilities actually recommend no visitation for several weeks expressly for that purpose. You may come back to find that the respite care was actually a blessing in disguise, and your parents may be more agreeable to staying put and relieving you both of the stresses of daily home care. I can tell you from experience that just managing the health care delivery as POA, keeping up with laundry, weekly visitation, monthly outings, is plenty to keep you busy, but at least you have the benefit of putting your head on the pillow at night and actually sleeping without worry. Blessings and best wishes to you and your husband. Please update us when you can.
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You have two parents with dementia living with you and your husband? You're both saints! You and your husband deserve a life and some happiness.

It's time to get your folks decent care that doesn't destroy YOUR life in the process. Put them somewhere together if that's possible. And you can be just as loving and caring (even more so, because you won't feel so burned out) when you visit them. We don't always get what we want in life, sometimes we get what we need (thank you Rolling Stones). Your folks need 24/7 care in a facility and you and your husband need to get your lives back. You've done the best you can and will continue to do so. Your folks are lucky to have you and your husband in their corner.
Helpful Answer (4)

Plan for a vacation with your husband. Have respise care in the home during this time. Hopefully you will return with a renewed spirit.
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