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I am 58 and have 5 siblings, I gave up riding rodeo and going to the nationals to take care of my dad in 2002. I stayed with my mother for 8 years so she wouldn't be alone till I finally moved to Utah and got back into horses. I was there for 7 years till she wanted me to come take care of her. I moved and am doing this but I need to also pay rent which is caring for her and now my uncle with stage 5 cancer plus all the housekeeping and buying the groceries. I have a 18 year old still home I am putting through college but now with 24/7 care have no income. I recently got married and although my mother is nice and sweet to his face she is constantly bickering to me that she is tired of supporting him. She doesn't support him he is paying our bills and buying the groceries to feed us all. We are going broke paying for everything to take care of the both of them.

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I told my mother that I didn't want to hear her complaints anymore. When she would start, I would remind her. You don't have to put up with it. If we don't want to be a doormat, don't lay down in front of the door.
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Nofowl, it would be good if you could fill us in with more of the details and dynamics. Then, our practical responses could be more appropriate to your situation, which sounds complex. You have our sympathy!
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I agree. I dont believe in a parent moving in at all if possible. You deserve to be happy and there is nothing wrong with your mother going into a highrise.
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If you "can't take it no more," stop taking it.

You have done more than your bit for caring for your relatives. Retire from that role. This is your last chance at the mothering role, and you need to establish your new marriage relationship. This version of caregiving is not going well for you. Stop taking it.
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I think it would only be three incomes not four as the OP said she is doing the 24/7 care of mom and uncle. I guess a lot would depend on where they are all living - in a house that is either paid for in full or not. Even then with medical care and everyday expenses SS will only go so far. Nofowl, I'm going to say to you what I always say to someone in your position: Find a reasonably priced attorney and get some sort of contract in place regarding who pays for what, what your compensation is and what's going to be in place once your mother passes. If you are going to continue to do this very difficult work you need to protect yourself financially. For instance - what happens if mom passes before your uncle? Will you, your husband and your uncle still be allowed to live there? With five siblings things could get sticky - money/ assets at inheritance time always seems to bring out the worst in people. Things promised and agreed upon conveniently get forgotten or remembered differently. When all is said and done you don't want to find yourself broke and homeless. As for your mother bad mouthing your husband - I'm not much help as my mom adores my husband, seems to prefer him to me these days. I think partially it would depend on how your husband feels about it or how aware he is of it. My ex husband would have expected me to defend him all all costs. My wonderful husband of 17 years would take it in stride - understand it is the illness not her and certainly not him. If your husband doesn't expect you to have a throw down with your mom try to completely ignore it - as if she never spoke. She is probably trying to get a rise out of you for a variety of reasons, jelousy for one and resentment that you are now the parent and provider instead of her for another. Tell your husband everyday how wonderful he is for taking this all on and be good to him - and be good to yourself!
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This happened to me. My mother moved in with us at age 77. I am 57 and live with my husband. It has been a year. She used to gossip and complain about him when I was alone with her. I felt so bad for him. He is so nice to her. Sometimes I would defend him in a gentle, reasoning voice. Other times, I ignored her or I would say, "well, he is very generous." Finally after about 5 months, she was asking how it was going with her being with us and I said, "well, I think its not going so well for YOU. You don't seem to really like or respect Cliff. Do you really want to live with someone who you are just tolerating?" After that, she did not put him down anymore.
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It could be that she is jealous of your time and attention to your husband and just wants something to complain about or it could be that she's really confused. Have you showed her the bills and expenses that he is paying? Where is her money going? She should be able to cover her expenses out of her income. And the same goes for the uncle. Doesn't he get social security? With 4 incomes, I would think things wouldn't be tight. I might sort it out and discuss it with her so she can see how it works.

It's also possible that your mom isn't thinking clearly. Maybe, she's under some delusion about your husband. Those are difficult to squelch. If her mental ability is declining, she might not be capable of sorting it out. I'd take note as to what it might be and then make my decision.

Oh, another thing. I found that with some seniors, if you tell them that someone said good things about them, it makes them feel good and they seem to improve their opinion of them. You might have to be creative to make that happen, but it couldn't hurt.
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I think you need to say, "Mom, we will be glad to move out. Then you won't have to support him." I would also let her know that you have talked about this to your husband. If she thinks what you say is just between you and her, she might keep talking. If she knows that you discuss things with him, she might start saying only good things. It is worth a try. Your husband sounds like a jewel to be going through this with you.
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