Hello, I am new here.My mom recently passed away in November 2025 after a 18 month battle with cancer. Mom and dad lived alone but my husband and I were quite involved in helping them. 10 days later after she passed my father had a stroke. After his stay in the hospital he went for 2 weeks for therapy in SNF. They gave him therapy but no other help for his medical conditions. He's a brittle diabetic with stage 3 kidney diease who has 0 self control for soda and sweets. He was able to make over 70 charges to a vending machine using his credit card card there . This really made me mad that they allowed this, so I am super leary about any nursing home now. Is this the normal?Anyway, I have put my life on hold and became his 24/7 caregiver. This has come at a cost of my own health because many days I simply forget or don't get the time for my own needs. The only support I have had is from my husband but he works and can't do much. It is starting to affect our relationship too. I know I am not obligated but he's my dad with no other living (close)relatives. I know I can't continue to go on like this but he doesn't have a lot of options for placement either as he lives solely on medicare. I am overwhelmed to say the least. I would like to get some others' perspectives on the situation. TIA
Your Dad had a lot happen in those 18 months and then after his wife passed. The stroke may have actually done some cognitive impairment and maybe this is why he seems to have no self-control. Or, he may be depressed and doesn't really care what happens to him anymore. I would talk to his primary doc about getting him assessed for depression and treating it.
Facilities are not allowed to "withhold food or drink". It's not their job to stop him from being his own worst enemy. Also, as a person ages the last tastebuds to remain working are the ones that sense sweetness. My MIL was in LTC and was eating her desserts first and nothing else. I asking if they could just give her the entree first and then give her dessert and was told this is "withholding food" and they couldn't do it.
If your Dad has a house I would encourage him to sell it and use the funds to move into IL or AL. He cannot/should not live with you and your husband. You don't say how old your Dad is but I assume you meant that his only income in Social Security. If he's old enough for Medicare (medical insurance) he must be over 65.
It may help to accompany him to see an elder law attorney to see what he should be doing and get all his legal ducks in a row. I'm hoping you (or someone) is his PoA. If it's you I would read the document to see what activates your authority. It it's an official medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment then I would accompany him to his primary for his free annual wellness exam and discretely tell the doctor you want him to have the cognitive test due to symptoms you are seeing. The test results may surprise you.
I wish you success in helping find the right living and care arrangement.
Apply for Medicaid on his behalf so he can be placed in SNF. Take away the credit card . Bring him treats he likes . This way you can at least control the amount . But again , don’t deprive him at this point of his treats.
As a side note , depression is almost a given after a stroke, and your Dad is grieving the loss of his wife as well . Has he been evaluated for possible depression ?
My mom is diabetic. She was so happy to tell me about the case of Pepsi that the center gave her as a prize. I think she probably drank every one to the point her eyesight started getting blurry. She also won a box of very gooey, sugary snacks. I said nothing. Why? She is very elderly and enjoyed her Pepsi and snacks. I put a set amount into her spending account at the center and she can spend that anyway she sees fit. Usually she chooses wisely, but if she doesn't that's OK as well. I've been on a diabetic friendly diet for over 20 years and fully intend to live on milkshakes and fries starting at age 80.
Fwiw, stage 3 kidney disease is no big deal. My mother lived with it for many years and died at 95 from other causes not kidney related. Diabetes, however, is a big deal. I think you should apply for Medicaid on his behalf and get him placed in Skilled Nursing care. Or, just leave him alone to live out his life on HIS terms. There's lots to be said for that, too. But you will be called a lot to manage the many serious issues that come along with uncontrolled diabetes. The other choice is to hire in home help but that won't stop him from eating sweets. Nothing will, really, except Skilled Nursing where he'll be on a controlled diet, one would hope.
You cannot devote your life to dad, not to the detriment of your own health and husband. Figure out another plan.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
Best of luck to you.
You need to realize that you cannot control what your father does or doesn't do. You will drive yourself crazy. Just tell Dad you love him and wish he would take better care of himself because you will miss him when he is gone. I would not enable him by buying the soda and sweets but you can't stop him from buying them himself.
1. Were they actually aware that he is a diabetic?
2. Were they checking his numbers routinely?
3. Did his visits to the vending machine effect his numbers and what did they do about it?
If yes to any of these is that documented in his medical record?
The reason I ask all this is if he were placed in the facility for "Rehab" maybe they were not monitoring for the diabetes. And were they aware of the kidney disease?
Hiring a caregiver to stay with your dad might be an option.
Looking for a facility that will carefully monitor him and restrict his intake of the items he should not have would be another option.
And one I would not recommend would be have dad move in with you so that you can monitor what is going on. this will place just as much stress on you the difference is you would be doing this at home rather than at his. Selling his property to pay for caregivers or a facility might be the answer. And the caregivers could be at your house taking much of the burden from your shoulders.