Father-in-law is constantly confrontational?

You profile says you are caring for your grandfather who has dementia. Is this person you describe above the same person or a different person?

Is the person you are having trouble with ill? Does he have medical and/or mental problems? There are many things that could be causing his behavior. Raising your voice would be my last option. In fact, I'd rule that out completely.

Fustrated, we run into this a lot. You are female and you are the caregiver, so your FIL doesn't mind show you the respect that he shows others. In your shoes I would talk to hubby about it and let him handle it with his father. Having to deal with disrespect 12 hours a day is too much for anyone.

Sunnygirl1- Yes, sorry, it's the same person;father in law. I've honestly tried to make it the very last resort, as I do not like raising my voice to anyone.

JessieBelle-I have discussed it (numerous amounts of times) with him. He doesn't seem to want "do anything" more, than just tell me to ignore it. His father's doing it more, because I refuse to raise my voice with him. Being that his son has a deeper/lounder voice, maybe that's the difference? I don't know?

Thank you both for your posting's.

Fustrated, you on to something here with your Dad-in-law listening to his son and not to you. It is the deep/louder voice that tends to gain the respect with some people. And it could also be of his generation or of his peer group that looked down on women, thus refuse to listen to them. And belittle them to gain control.

Since your Dad-in-law needs so much help, and you are the one doing the most work with him, your Dad-in-law probably resents the fact that he isn't the big strong guy any more, and that a woman has to take care of him. Do you know if he acted this way with your husband's mother? If yes, then its a bad pattern. If no, maybe it's the Alzheimer's/Dementia doing the talking.

What does Dad-in-law do during the day? How does he keep himself busy? With some people, they need to feel like they are contributing to the household. What was his work background, maybe incorporate that into his daily life style by you asking for his advice, maybe he will change his tune with you.

freqflyer-His father hasn't worked in many year's, like over 30 plus. To answer your question. He used to be a garbage collector. He retired when he was in his (early) 50's, due to his wife's health. However, his wife was the one to do all things (inside) the home. While she passed, 6 months before I met her son, she was a kind/loving person from what other's have told me about her.

His father refuses to do anything. All he wants to do, is sit around, watch tv & eat. I've attempted (more than a few year's) to try to have him be "productive" with doing (little) things around our home. An example would be doing the dishes or even folding his laundry that I do. However, he gets confrontational when he's even asked to use the bathroom, go take a nap, or even when he's asked to chew his food with his mouth closed. Nothing has been asked, that would be such a demanding thing from him, his body, or anything of that nature. He expects me to do everything for him, but feed him.

A bit more information. He's the type of individual that will sit around in the same clothes for weeks on end. IF I didn't have him change, on a daily basis, that's exactly what he would do. He knows that his face needs to be shaved, I do it every other day, but yet, he makes an excuse he doesn't know where the electric shaver is. It's always right on the shelf, so he can use/see it.

Something else, while I'm thinking about it. He's become so "lazy" that he'd rather pee in his depends, than go to the bathroom. There's nothing wrong with him, besides his Dementia/Alzheimer's, as he's been (completely) checked over by a doctor. I don't understand what's truly going on? To me, he's capable of doing things, yet he seems so "lazy" not to want to do anything, but feed himself & that's never an issue/problem.

Fustrated, my Dad is 94 and the sweetest easiest person to deal with.... but he tends to let others do things for him. My Mom, when she was alive, her domain was the house... Dad's domain was his workshop, garage and yard. Now that Dad is unable to use his workshop, garage or work out in the yard, he is lost about what to do inside his home.

My Dad cannot even make himself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for lunch. And when the cleaning people come to clean his apartment and wash the bedding and towels [he's at Independent Living], Dad won't even take out new towels from the linen closet to use. I have found paper towels being dried on the towel racks.... [sigh]. I know my Dad would wear the same clothes every day, too.

I think some of our elders resent getting older, so they want to pout or be hard headed just because they can. They resent not being able to hop in the car and go to the store whenever they want. They always have to wait for someone to help them.

Frustrated,
Thanks for confirming that your FIL has dementia. This explains a lot. I would read a lot about dementia and how it effects the brain. His brain is not working properly and I would withhold judgment on his behavior, due to this.

Sometimes dementia patients are quite contrary and difficult to control, but it's not your fault or his. It's brain damage. Sometimes, there are clever ways to get them to cooperate though. Sometimes, it's trial and error to develop little things that appeal to them.

Also, keep in mind that when you think that he is not cooperating, IT COULD be that he has forgotten what to do. Dementia can cause confusion, anxiety, agitation, memory loss and lack of judgment. If he could help with some things, I'd be delighted, but I wouldn't place any responsibilities on him. He needs care and protection, so I'd withhold much else.

Also, bladder and bowel incontinence is a normal part of the progression of dementia. It's not on purpose due to laziness. I'd try to be kind about that too.

I would expect that his condition will continue to progress and you will see more challenging behavior. I'd be prepared for that. Caring for a dementia patient, past the early stages if very challenging. I'd discuss it with your husband to see what the options are. It's really too much for one person around the clock. Does he know this? I wish you all the best.

freqflyer-I truly would like if he'd be that happy-go-lucky. Sadly, with this, he's changed, from that into just being confrontational, or refuses to do anything. I miss the man he used to be. *sigh* He used to be just wonderful & loving to be around. He'd be happy just for another day on this planet. Sadly, this disease has taken the man I used to know & changed him into some I don't reconize. I don't comprehend why some people are so kind/sweet/lovable when they get this & other's change to someone you don't "know" any more? That being said, I'm sure it's difficult for him. Thank you again for your posting.

Sunnygirl1-I've done so much reading on it, my head hurts. Lol. The thing is, he knows when he needs to go, because he'll say something/grab himself. I let him know, its time to go to the bathroom. He'll just sit & pee. He's told me it's easier for him to do that & for me to change/clean him up, then go to the bathroom. I've even tried/attemtped to get him to go every 1/2 wether or not he needs to, just to try to make it a bit more of a routine for him. That's why I don't understand why he's not "willing" to go to the bathroom, but "willing" to sit & releave himself?

I should clarify something. You can tell when he's "playing games" with you. He even acknowledges what you say/asked him to do, but yet he says he doesn't have to do what I ask of him. He's even, gone so far, to accuse me of not feeding him for 2 day's. He'll laugh about it & tell me he's going to call the police. I'm sorry, but that's not a "fun & game" kind of thing to say to someone.Someone that's only trying to help you. He's said it more than on one occasion. I'm sorry, but that's something that makes me (extremely) uneasy about taking care of him on a daily basis. My husband just tells me to ignore it, since he knows I'm taking good care of him.

Just keep in mind that you are not doing anything wrong and are only trying to help. It is so frustrating. I know. I am the caretaker for my cousin who has severe dementia, but before it became too advanced she was a handful. She would make up things, get upset, make false accusations, refuse to bathe or dress, and many other things. I didn't know what to do. We didn't know then that it was dementia. Eventually, their behavior will change though. They often progress to do different things. Now, she just gets around the Memory Care unit in her wheelchair. She can't walk and she is bladder and bowel incontinent.

What I noticed is that they lose their ability to do things. For example, I may put a cookie in front of my cousin which she wants very much, but she can't remember how to pick it up. If I place it in her hand, she can hold it and eat it. She has forgotten how to touch her hair. If I ask her to touch her head, she'll say okay. But, she won't do it. She'll just sit there and look at me. She can't coordinate her arm and hand to do the work. She can't help it. Eventually, they will lose the ability to do much of anything like eating, swallowing, etc.

I'm posting a link about how dementia patients do outrageous things, but due to the brain damage, it's not really manipulation, though it seems like it. I found the article helpful. It's right here on this sight. I hope it helps. You need a break.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm

Fustrated, I have to ask. How old are you and has your husband always provided all the family money? Is taking care of his father like your job? I am trying to figure out why your husband can shrug this off so easily. If it is like your job, it would make sense.

JessieBelle, I think (in answer to your question) the apple didn't fall far from the tree with dad and son. Frustrated is doing all of the work and is being ignored by both father AND son. Frustrated, if it was me, I'd work on your husband. Your FIL needs some outside help to give you a break and to let someone else be responsible for him for part of every day.

The one thing I'll say is that dementia causes a lack of initiative in people. If you watch Teepa Snow videos on Youtube, that's one of the 10 signs of dementia. My mom doesn't have Alzheimers, but does have dementia or loss of cognitive function. She will let things sit that she would never have left in her younger days. Or she'll say she'll write letters to friends, but she won't. She has zero initiative. So some of that may be going on with your FIL. He's not going to change, so you have to work on your husband, in my view.

Sunnygirl1-Thank you, once again for the time & website. I did read most of it, but will finish the rest later.

JessieBelle- I'm in my late 40's to answer your question. He hasn't always provided the money. My thinking is simply this. Since he & his father grew up with a mother that (constantly) did everything for them, with the exception of mowing the lawn & things of that nature, they think/believe it's my "job" to care for his dad. My husband's been told, he's too much for me on a daily basis. He refuses to put him in (some kind) of, either, assisted living or nursing home. I even brought up getting him out of the house for a few days/hours a week, since they have programs for him. He would qualify, I already checked into it. He told me, his mother asked to go home, when she was in one. That was the day before she passed. Even 20 year's later, he remembers the look on her face & still is overwhelmed with guilt. I'm sure, with no doubt(s) it was the hardest thing for him to do, by not doing what she asked. His mother didn't have the same thing as his father does. I never did get the chance to meet her. I met him after 6 months of his mother's passing.

(continued) I guess, since I have no family of my own, he "feels" it's my "duty" to take care of his father on a daily basis, as he doesn't want to "give up" anything his father has. He told me, they would take his house & everything else he gets/has. He said that he refuses to take away a house, that his father worked for, almost all his life. That being said, his father hasn't lived in that house for almost 3 year's. He was here, for about 2 1/2 year's, went back home for 6 months, & then he brought him to our house.

Fustrated, tell hubby that 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring.... those odds are not very good. Then what would hubby do about Dad? I doubt he would quit work to be a full-time caregiver for his Dad. Tell hubby you need outside caregiver help before you become a statistic.

Oh regarding Dad's house... does your Dad-in-law and hubby know if the homeowner insurance carrier knows that house is empty?

You'd be surprised how many insurance carrier's will not cover for any damages if the house has been sitting empty as the house has become high risk. All it takes is one broken water pipe to do a ton of damage, and Dad-in-law would be paying the repair cost. If hubby wants to keep the house, get it rented out quickly.

I called my Dad's carrier as my Dad recently moved to senior living apartments. The carrier said they would allow coverage to continue as long as the house was on the market For Sale. Otherwise, they would not insure the house. I would need to hunt around for a carrier who would insure the house and the rates would be much higher.

I'm sorry for all the trouble you are having.

Why won't you raise your voice? My mother was "too much of a lady" to raise her voice at my father. On the few occasions she did, boy did it work great!
Nothing makes my husband laugh as much as knowing he has gotten under my skin and irritated me. Philosophically, I disapprove, but it works so well I do it anyway.

If you know something that works, Why not use it? Pretend to be a scolding mother or frustrated housewife. "Dad, you're going to be the death of me. Quit sassing me and go sit at the table right now. Men. You're all the same! I never met one who would do what he was told." That would get a delighted cackle out of my husband.

They are all different. I hope you can get some relief.

blannie-I've told him, for months now, this IS way too much for 1 person on a daily basis. Every day, he leaves me with him dispite my "protesting" that, it's another day, I have to take care of him. In all honesty, he gets upset with me, because I'm "complain" to him about it. This morning, he was displeased with the fact that he couldn't start another day without me "chiming in" again about his dad, The reality is I can't win here. Since I have no family of my own, I can't just "walk out" & let him figure everything out. It's difficult place for me (personally) to be "stuck" in. The ONLY thing he did mention, before he left for work, was checking into the VA Hospital for his dad, a few hours or a few days a week. That, however, was quickly followed up by he doesn't want his father in that kind of enviroment, with the "fear" that being around them will only "enhance" his condition not help.

freqflyer-Funny thing you mentioned what you did, as we just had a little "chit-chat" about that last night. I told him, the house hasn't been occupied in an extremely long time. He told me ( I personally don't put much "stock" into what he said) that he's already called the City & explained the situation. Just because you "visit" the house or cut the grass is not living in the property. However, that's my thinking/view on the topic. The pipes did burst, this past Winter, so he shut off the water & his son still hasn't had them fixed.

Jinx4740-I've constantly raised my voice about how burnt out I am & he should be the one taking care of his father. It's ment with "I'm supposed to quit my job(s)." I told him, I've done this for too long & his father is his responsibility. I'm a "caged animal" in a house for months on end & (as an adult) shouldn't need to "ask permission" to want to get out of the house nor should I have to make arragements either. No matter what I say, you can tell he doesn't either care or he makes the choice to ignore me. It's all boils down to keeping his dad out of a nursing home, keeping his property, & possibly the monthly income his father recieves. That however is my opinion/thoughts.

Yesterday was a rough day for myself. His dad, I (personally) believe has (another) bladder infection. Yesterday, within 15 mintues, he went to the bathroom 4 times. While he doesn't complain of any pain(s)/discomfort, his urine was darker, my husband mentioned. I told my husband that he (really) needs to get into the doctor's office to get things checked out. To me, it's a sign, because he doesn't want to consume as much water as I've been told (awhile back) by his doctor that he needs. I guess, like everything else I do, I will have to call & shedule an appointment.

I just don't understand why his father (constantly) fights me, tooth & nail on what I ask of him to do? It's nothing but for his own benifit(s) & his health;overall. However, his son asks him (anything) he quickly does what's asked of him, even if he "grumbles" about it. The difficult thing for me to "grasp" is the fact(s) that I've been his primary care taker for year's now. His son has done less than 5% of the work load with his father. I would think, that he would be the one "investing" more into his own father than what I've done. I'm missing "the boat" here some where?

None the less, it's another day, that I'm exhusted, but still have to do what's right.

I feel like I'm "losing the battle" with his father. No matter what I ask of him to do, he just doesn't want to. The only thing he will do, without "protesting" is eat. It makes no difference how nice/polite I am with him, when I ask him to do something.

Fustrated, your Dad-in-law is very stubborn and there isn't much one can do. I would rethink about the caregiving since you are doing what sounds like 95% of the work.

Make a list of everything you do for Dad-in-law and for your own home, and I mean everything. Now take that list and scratch off half the items, now scratch off some more. Now you have a list that is more manageable for one person and you stick to that new list.

So the laundry now starts to pile up... "sorry, dear, didn't have time today". Dad-in-law is now growing a beard.... "Dad won't let me shave him, actually he looks good with a beard."..... Dad hadn't had a shower in a few days, "can't force him, maybe he will let you [hubby] help him with a shower".... now it becomes hubby job after work to shower and shave his Dad. Get my drift where I am going with this? Think about it.

freqflyer-I (deeply) appreciate what you said. However, reality is, IF I don't do it, he'll never be taken (good) care of. I let his beard grow out & told (hubby) that he needed it shaved. He grow's whiskers out with 2-3 day's, before he looks "scruffy." He doesn't need a shave on a daily basis. He didn't do it, so I ended up doing it, after waiting one more day. Here's something I neglected to mention. His dad, was extremely sick (initally-year's ago) when his son brought him to our house. He was (so) extremely nice/polite to me. I knew something was (seriously) wrong with him. He never behaves that way with me, since he's had Dementia/Alzheimer's. So, a few hours later, he's going to the bathroom & he's crying (never does that) & I rushed him to the ER room. What happened? His bladder was SO backed up with urine, they had to put a catheter in him & kept him over night. The ER doctor told me, 24 hours more he would have died. I did, almost 1 year's work on him, emptying out the bag, cleaning him up & everything else. Then he had surgery, because his prostate was causing (serious) problems. I did more work after that. To me, (my thinking) his son should have noticed something (serious) was wrong with his father;not myself. Since that time, I've been "held responsible" for him. His son does little to (actually) help. I'm thinking that's why I'm just burnt out.

In reality, his son seems "oblivious" to what's going on with his own father. Now why (some) of it may be due to his Dementia/Alzheimer's, it's not always the case. It's just like with him being sick now. I know something's wrong. I just know the man & when he's sick or "healthy." I've tried, to no avail to get his son to do the "lion's share" of the work with his father. No matter what "menthods" I've tried/attempted, I'm the one always taken care of him. While it's good for his father & his son, it's not helping me "take a breather" that I truly need. Doing this, pretty much 6 day's a week, is enough to burn anyone out, especially after how long I've been doing it. It's like one "road block" being put up after another. That's kind of how I feel. No matter how exhusted I am, I still need to do what's right/correct for his father & his life.

Frustrated - try NOT being so polite! Be firm and bossy and crabby! Polite doesn't work with everyone. He might go along better if he could say, "Well I had to, because she - SHE - made me do it."

With my cousin, I had to just not ask her to do something, but explain what was happening as we did it. Otherwise, she wouldn't agree to put on a bra or brush her teeth. I just got the motion going and talked her through it. It might be more difficult with a male, but I see that technique used at the Memory Care facility at the time. Politely asking isn't that effective. You just guide them through the routine as if there is no other option, like we now changing into your favorite shirt. It's nice and clean and smells so good and after that we can fold clothes which I know you love to do. I think a good routine is also important.

Regardless of what you are able to muster from your husband, you and your FIL will need some help from somewhere if he is going to live indefinitely in your home.

And as others have pointed out. If your husband is that crazy over the house, he should be keeping up with maintenance which is very expensive. IMO, it's almost imperative to keep on the electricity. So there are bills for that, insurance, property taxes, lawn care, water, etc. It adds up.

Today, I have to say, was the worst day! Oh my gosh. I went to awake him, from sleeping over night. His routine is to change his depends in the moring & then I give medications & feed him. He's changing his depends & there's a huge mess inside of them! I told him NOT to move, because I needed to grab some gloves. I had put the depend & the plastic bag (used for the old one) on the bed, while I went to grab some gloves. I hadn't been out of the room for a minute & he's got #2 all over him, the bed, the floor & his socks. What I do NOT understand is how he can "sit" in that & not feel that there's something wrong or say something to me? I ended up, cleaning up a (disgusting) mess & I couldn't stomach the stench any longer. I had to quit. I will have the hubby dispose of everything, clothes he was in included.

To me, it almost seems like he either is to "lazy" to get up & go the bathroom (have had constant issues with that-peeing in his depends because he doesn't want to use the bathroom) or very sadly, he's becoming worse, much quicker than it seems. None the less, I'm seriously heartbroken that I'm watching him "go" this way. It's difficult for me to keep doing this for him, because doing what he did today, just made me sick to my stomach. I've endured much (through out) many year's with him & his surgery. However, today's "mess" was overwhelming to me.
I ended up, giving him a shower, which he wasn't happy about. I ended up shaving him, putting him in clean clothes & I cut his hair on top of everything else.

Jinx4740-It may be the case with him. Being calm & talking in a peaceful way, doesn't "produce" much with him. Once I begin to raise my voice (not shouting or yelling) at him, it seems to "grab" his attention, even if it's for a short term. I'm just NOT comfortable with raising my voice to people. That's another difficult task for me to undertake with him. However, it seems that's the only way that I can "reach" him, when he refuses to do what I (calmly) have asked of him. Why this is, I truly don't comprehend? To me, you get more "flies with honey than vinger." Thank you as always for you kind input/thoughts.

Sunnygirl1-I've tired a few different approches with him. Sadly, the "raising of the voice" seems the only thing to get his attention. It's difficult, saying the least, as I've previously mentioned. Raising my voice isn't something that I feel comfortable with doing to an 84 year old man. I guess, I need to become "more comfortable" with doing it, though it's (extremely) diffcult for me to want to. For the house aspect of things. The house is trashed. It needs new everything. He never kept up on it, neither did his son, & everything's either breaking or needs to be replaced. There's broken window's, screens, & the carpet's got to go. The house sits on a 2 plot property. To me, personally, it's better to sell it & leave someone else to "handle" doing what they want. That being the case, the property's worth MORE than the house that sits on it. Usally, it's the other way around. That's a "clue" as to the shape of things.

One other thing I don't understand, that I need insight with please. Today, since it was nice out, for awhile, I decided to feed him lunch outside. When it was finished, he needed to walk back in the house. He decided to keep punching me, in my stomach, for some unknown reason(s)? Even after the 1st time, I told him to please stop it, he did it again 2 more times. What's with that kind of behaviour? Is that something "common" with this? I do understand that they can have "altered personalities" but that's NOT something I want to deal with on a consistant basis. Am I wrong for feeling/thinkin that way? Hope I can get some helpful suggestions with this. I don't like being hit;by anyone. As I do not hit people nor have "aggressive tendences" like that.

If this happened with me, my next conversation would be with my husband, telling him that his father had to go somewhere else. He cannot be punching you. If my mother started hitting me, I would not be here anymore. I tolerate quite a lot, but I won't tolerate physical abuse.

JessieBelle-I did tell my husband what he did. He (honestly) looked at me, like all my "marbles fell out." For some reason he didn't believe me? I told him, exactly what happened. Is this a progression with this OR did he just do what he felt like doing to me?

I often wonder if his "mental state" will becoming something I have to concern my own saftey/life about? Like I mentioned, yesterday, he hit me. The man, for his age, isn't weak by any means of the word either. While he's said, some pretty mean/terrible things to me, he's never hit me/become aggressive. Now, my concern(s) seem to turn to is this going to continue? I've read about people that have this, can actually become quite aggressive with their behaviours. IF I read the (few) articles I did read correctly, it's because things are progressing a "bit quicker." Now, I'm no doctor or anything close to that. All I do know, is that IF this kind of behaviour is going to start to "setting in," I'm going to be unable to further do this for his father. That kind of behaviour is something that "crosses the line" with my way(s) of thinking/exsisting as a person. To me, no (one) person has any right(s) to "lay their paws" on another;period,

tacy022-That was a helpful suggestion. At his age though, he's on everything;medicade included. Question here, hope you don't mind. Can you (legally) have him be removed by the police IF he continues to hit me? I was thinking about that, this morning, after my intitial posting. To me, it's like anyone hitting another person. Sick or not, there's no (real) reason to hit another person. Maybe I'm incorrect, but that's my thinking.