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I've been with my spouse for 37 years. He is 75, I am 65. He's diabetic, somewhat obese, and has mobility issues. He gets around with a walker. and has been on the decline for the past 3-4 years. He's always been incredibely stubborn and kind of selfish but also a good person. Problem is, now the not so good traits are magnified 10 fold due to his age.



He has incontinence problems, so he wears adult diapers when going outside, and most of the time indoors, though at times I have to force him to put them on (which I have to put on him as he can't dress himself easily). I feel he may be having early stages of dementia, as he seems to be regressing in some ways. He's become obsessive over simple things like making sure our clocks are synced or something that's so insignificant that he'll keep prying on.



At night, when I am in bed, he'll many times go on Amazon and order things we don't need. I had to put a lock on the credit card. I know things are not right because he doesn't even ask about why the order never showed (I would cancel). Our conversations are short, and his empathy is pretty much gone. Like if I say I'm not feeling well, it doesn't phase him as he continues to watch TV. He has bathroom accidents (#2) a few times a month, but the diaper catches most of it, while I have to clean up the rest. He doesn't wet the bed, but he has a urine bottle next to the beside which he uses, though he always misses half of it. I have rubber mats with wee pads on top along the bedside. So in the morning, I have to change the pads and mop the mats.



He would use his walker to get around the corner to the gym which has a pool that he liked to move around in for cardio. I got one complaint months ago that the steam room had a urine smell and they guessed it was him. I got him special swimming diapers to avoid further problems, but today it was more than urine. He had an accident while leaving the pool. When he got home, I knew already this was a big problem because he no longer had the diaper with him. He received a text message from a pool friend saying "hi, the pool is closed tomorrow due to some kind of emergency maintenance". She was basically letting my spouse know not to go for nothing, but little did she know, HE caused the problem. I was shaking when I read this as I KNEW they would close the pool. I emailed the gym to see how I can go about cancelling his membership as I know they'll revoke it anyway. Waiting for a reply. I already told him that he won't be able to attend the gym any longer, but he said "I don't care, I'm still going". I'm trying to save him the embarrassment of being rejected at the check-in. He can't go without me getting him prepared so if he insists, I'm simply not going to help him that way he has no choice.



I'm burning out. He does take many naps, so I do get my moments to relax. I feel like he's not that far gone yet to put in assisted living or a nursing home, but I don't know if a home aid can handle our situation. I also have a dog with major separation anxiety and fear of outdoors (which means also other people), so I have to deal with that as well. Basically, I don't go anywhere except the gym to work out myself. I have friends, but it's just phone calls. I'm in a coop, and if I ever have an emergency that I have to run him to the hospital late at night, there is no one to leave the dog with so she'll be barking non stop. The doormen would get complaints to no end. I am having such anxiety over all these issues, and don't know what my next step is. I am retired now, but recently had successful stores on etsy and ebay which kept me busy. Unfortunately, I had to take them down due to the current situation.
It' so weird that we could be watching Jeopardy and he's answering the most difficult questions, yet, I have to explain something on TV that may be so simple and obvious. One minute he's an adult, the next a pre-teen with problems. Every day I wake up with that fear of what problem will pop up toda

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Why do you feel you dh has to be very "far gone" for Assisted Living? Fact is, he may already be too far gone FOR Assisted Living and need Skilled Nursing at this point! Now is the time to see if he qualifies for AL before that choice is removed and his myriad needs force you to place him in a SNF! Assisted Living is for seniors who are fairly independent and cognizant enough to not need constant care and management. Otherwise, it's Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing.

That said, it certainly sounds like there is cognitive impairment and/or dementia going on with DH, unfortunately. Start by calling his PCP with your concerns and getting that ball in motion for SLUMS or MoCA testing to get underway. Those are short and simple tests that will give you a baseline score for his cognitive health and whether or not his executive brain function is now compromised.

Its an awful lot YOU have on your plate to deal with, so also look into in home caregivers or respite care for him for a week or 2 at a local AL. Best of luck.
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This is I feel about PCPs...they know a little of everything and a lot about nothing.

Yes, they can do a very simple test that ur husband may be able to pass. The PCP can order labs to see if anything physical is involved. There is "Showtiming" that those who are in early stages of Dementia can seem normal for a period of time, usually with a Doctor. Your husband needs a referral to a Neurologist where he runs his tests. MRI may show signs of Dementia.

If you were to place DH, it would be Memory Care. He is passed an Assisted living.
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Are you your husband's legal PoA? If not I'd get this in place asap. The attorney will interview him to see if he comprehends what PoA for himself means. It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember. Comprehension is the bar.

Then, take him for a physical and discretely ask the doc to perforrm a cognitive/memory test because of the all his odd behaviors. This diagnosis is important to enable your PoA. Plus, he may have a physical problem that is increasing his dementia-like behaviors. Make sure to bring up the OCD behaviors and ask if there's meds to help diminish this for himi.

Maybe consider an in-home companion aid for him. Start with once or twice a week for a few hours so he can adjust. Then plan for this "free time" to have your social life back or whatever helps you refresh.

You can consider paying someone he knows (a relative, friend, neighbor, acquaintence from church). If you do this please give them a primer about how to engage with people with dementia first. I used an agency companion aid for my 2 very elderly Aunts (after 6 months of resistance) and after 1 bad match, got a wonderful person who stayed for 6 years. So I know it can be done. Try to get a man aid for your husband. I wish you success in getting a solution in place.
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It definitely sounds like your husband has some mental decline going on, as a lot of what you're describing goes along with those suffering from dementia. It may be time to have him tested by his neurologist.
My husband who had vascular dementia also became OCD over very small things, like if our musical clock went off 30 seconds before it was supposed to. He also lost his ability to be sympathetic and empathetic which was hard for me, as there was a period where I had 7 surgeries in 7 years, and he just expected me to be at his beck and call, and if I ever said anything about hurting, he was always hurting worse.
You need to get some help for husband, as I'm more worried about you than your husband. It's so very important that caregivers take care of themselves if they are to continue on this journey with their loved one.
Perhaps look into taking him to an Adult Day Care Center for a few days a week, or like you mentioned, bring in some home health aides, so you can get out and not worry about him.
You can't do it all alone, as you are already discovering, so please do what you have to do to make your life a little easier and less stressful.
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