Im not sure on how to link the first part of this story but this is an update..
I have been working outside the home for a few months. My father is fully retired now. A few months back i believed he could be moms caregiver and take over. A month in and he stated he is overwhelmed. Getting him to take mom to the gym or a physical therapy appointment is hard and rare. I understand this is hard for him so I try not to complain much and just do it myself. So after work, I come home, cook, clean, bathe her, take mom to exercise or shopping and do laundry when needed.
Meanwhile my father has been talking to my siblings about the stress he has over his lack of money since quitting his job. At the time I was still in contact with two siblings. One stays out of state and has visited one time in about 7+ years. The other admitted she's not personally close to my mom and visits about twice a month. Both were claiming to be 'neutral' in the previous conflict. Together we went over all the bills, what i pay, what he gets from my mom etc. In the end they claimed they were going to get together with the other siblings to financially help my father. I thought this conversation was honest and with good intention. A couple of weeks later there was a total switch up with one of those "neutral " siblings. She blew up on me claiming i couldnt possibly pay what i pay and my father still have financial issues. Once she spoke to my father and he confirmed that what I said was true she hung up the phone and told him she wasnt going to help out. How a conversation that was about all the siblings getting together to financially help my parents turned into me not helping them enough I'm not sure.
The facts are my father needs over a grand in order for him to be satisfied. My mother would need a grand for another caregiver[only 2 days a wk], not to mention how much she'll most likely need in the future when she further declines and needs more assistance. I need to save for that, pay my bills, help my father, take care of myself and move out. I can't do all these things without bleeding myself dry.
2 weeks after that conversation a card for APS is on the door. Im exhausted. im tired of explaining myself. im tired of dealing with them while dealing with coworkers, taking care of my mother, helping my father and trying to keep my head above water. I dont know what to expect from APS.I have been sick for a month, constantly have headaches, stomach aches and I am mentally and emotionally reaching my limit.
I am so sorry that your family upbringing has placed you in this unsustainable and very painful situation. Something, many things actually, need to change because it sounds like you’re drowning in all aspects. This should NOT all be on you.
From what you shared, I don’t think you have anything to fear from a visit from APS. Hopefully you get a very good representative who really sees YOU, and understands the terrible burden being placed on you. Tell the entire truth and make it clear that you CANNOT handle this level of responsibility any longer - physically, emotionally, or financially. And ask them for detailed help and guidance on what the next steps should be so that your mom is safely cared for - because you are unable to do that. And your father seems unwilling to step up to help at all.
Ignore your siblings unless they truly provide help -either hands-on or hard money. No more listening to criticisms or belittling from them. It sadly seems they have “trained” you from an early age and it’s time you broke free from this punishment.
That $600 a month you were initially being paid for your mom’s care? Understanding what it takes to be a 24/7 caregiver and what you gave up, you basically earned nothing, and that figure placed you way, way below poverty level. It’s awful that your siblings had no understanding of your personal sacrifices, either then or now. I am so sorry.
Finally, and please know that I am not criticizing you, but you do not *owe* people explanations or people pleasing behavior to prove that you’re a loving, worthy and *good* human being. If this seems to be your pattern, please help yourself and look into therapy for codependency. Those of us who have these tendencies were kind of set up for this; however we do not have to stay in these self destructive ways and can heal out of them with good therapy.
I wish you the best.
warmly,
Janet
Your money is for your retirement and your golden years. Not your parents’ because they didn’t care about it and failed to plan.
I think you need some therapy to help you untwist a lot of this. You have involved yourself too much and have taken on too much.
Get out of that house before you are removed feet first! Go no contact or low contact or grey rock, choose your method. Then focus on recovering from your long ordeal.
Someone may accuse you of "not loving our parents." To which you calmly reply that you love them, but love is not enough to take care of them in their situation. Then smile sweetly and move, leaving no forwarding address.
Your kind and giving nature has been taken advantage of, but you don't have to let it go on. I'm pretty sure that if you were out of the picture, the scenario would progress rapidly to its end, whatever that turns out to be. You are not required to feel any guilt whatsoever. You need to prioritize your own health, and good luck.
You are right and so often when we refuse to become careslaves and ATM's to our demanding parents we're often accused of not 'loving' them by others.
I took care of my mother for years and was basically her parent from the time I was a little kid. A friend of hers got very angry and had the nerve to say I don't 'love' my mother because I won't be her caregiver anymore and didn't 'love' my father because he had to be in a nursing home.
So I told her the truth which is I do love my parents but I love myself more. She was left speechless.
Your father would be 'satisfied' with an extra $1,000 a month apiece for himself and your mother? Anyone would be satisfied if someone else shelled out two grand a month no strings attached. I would love that.
In your original post from January 2025, you refer to yourself as a 'punching bag' for your siblings. Know how you stop being the punching bag for them? You start punching back. You also claim to be handing over large sums a month to your parents. Stop doing that and use that money for rent. It's time to move out. If your mother is as bad off as you say, then she is likely bound for a nursing home anyway. You bankrupting yourself and continuing in a situation that is abusive to you in many ways including financial, is not going to change anything.
Call the number on that APS card and tell them what's going on. It's their job to handle situations for vulnerable people like your mother. Good luck.
Good job
Good luck
Good timing
Good savings plans
Good coupon clipping.
It is wrong to now put what money you have saved toward the care of your elders. You will be where they are, when you are older, if you do so. And it is very unlikely that any child will support you at that time.
You will not change or involve your siblings. That is a waste of your time.
If you choose to take on the care of your parents, then that is a choice you are making that has huge impacts on your own life and on your immediate family members.
What you can expect from APS is that they will visit your parents and assess them. If they see that you cannot/will not/have no intention continuing elder care, and see that your parents are unable mentally to manage their own lives, they may intervene to ask the courts to assume guardianship. If however, they believe YOU will do everything for your parents, they will let you. If they see that your parents are mentally well, physically safe, they will say that they are competent to make their own decisions for their own lives.
You now have to take care of yourself. You are going to have to let your parents know that you cannot intervene for them any longer. I sometimes laughingly tell our members that they need to move 1000 miles away. You can see why I make that recommendation.
I really am so very sorry. But this isn't sustainable. You are going to have to RESIGN this VOLUNTARY undertaking. You cannot be physically, emotionally, financially responsible for your parents. You are going to have to say so. Your siblings are CORRECT not to intervene. You should learn from them, rather than trying to change them.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/dealing-with-caregiver-family-drama-491853.htm
From your prior post:
"I've always been a punching bag for my older siblings and I will admit this is affecting my younger self who was either verbally/physically abused by them. I'm telling myself I know the truth and that's all that matters but a part of me feels I should have responded to this diagnosis in a much stronger way, kept my job, told my dad to be caregiver, not ask my parents for any finacial help and not have these accusations on me."
No... what matters is boundaries, and you don't seem to have any and that's why you were and continue to be everyone's voluntary punching bag, starting with your Father, who should have been taking care of your Mother all this time. He was certainly capable of it -- he just didn't want to do it and he had you as his solution.
You should have said "no" then, but it's still not too late to say "no" now. You can and should say "no" now but you have to be willing to accept whatever care solution is then put in place for your Mom by your Father and siblings. You won't know until you allow it to happen. Walk completely away and allow your Dad and siblings to figure it out.