Caregiving is changing my personality. How do I detach?

Okay Linda, take a few deep stomach breaths and exhale long and slowly through your nose, calm yourself, number one! I think it is terrific that you are ED for animal clinic, this is a very stressful and caring business. You are adept at taking on not only the business aspects of this clinic but maybe I am assuming here too much but also you must take on the undeniable emotional aspect of this kind of care business. Even as an ED I would think you'd get involved with some of the cases. Not as intense as a animal protective foundation, but stressful for sure. I always thought if I had the time I'd love to volunteer at APR or clinic, but I get way way too too involved. I would be a mess all the time and have a million animals.

Now I say all of this because taking care of your dad requires all of the skills you use as an ED. You have the hard headed business skill and compassion, and like rearing anything from kids to animals usually there is not a manual but we learn from trial and error and through experience. Everything I learned in my life unfortunately I had to learn the hard way and on my own, I am now open to suggestions LOL. Anything to live an easier life in my book.

For me caring for my mother brought front and center my own mortality and all the uncomfortable things that we usually push to the back burner for later. Well it is now later. As a business woman put that hat on and take care of legal issues if not done already, but I would be surprised to think you have not done this yet. But needs to be said, those power of attorneys are essential as making sure he does not die intestate.

Get all arrangements made for his estate, taxes, funeral wishes now. Get a list of policies, bank accounts, iras and so forth. Make it easier on him and yourself. He won't like it much, I wouldn't it means I am closer to check out time, he may be afraid, I would be, I am now.

It is a sad and hard time for all of us, your dad, everyone, but it is the time for us to really grow up and become truly independent of our parents emotionally and often the role reversal is a mind twist and cluster. You now are the parent. Growing up was dad bossy or mom or both. Think about how they were when they were younger, this is their personality now without power behind it.

Dad is 91, holy moly that is great and he does not have dementia even better. I would assess his medical needs, can he function alone, does he take meds. If he needs a carer get one, if can get to Adult Day care get him there. He needs stimulation, he is drinking because he is bored, scared and all of the above. Get him around his peers, involved with things he used to love, get him out of the house.

He is goading you with the comment about "are you that important." Well yes dad isn't that great that you helped create a human being that is "important" and has people and animals relying on them.

Take it slow, faggetabout the guilt, there is none, useless, it is the nature of the beast. Take care of yourself, tell him what he needs to do, consider his feelings and if you can give him choices and options, get him involved in his care.

Consider seeing a therapist or read one of the good books out there on caregiving for difficult parents. Take care of his basic needs, get his financial matters in order, keep him safe-invoke another caregiver if you can afford it. And still live your life, get out, laugh,love and exercise! Above all keep him safe-but it's not your job to fix it all or make him happy. Focus on your needs first to stay healthy and happy-you will be emotionally and physically stronger to deal with him and his antics. Use your great organizational skills and get or keep the help in place. Don't pay attention to whether he likes the support people or not. You've become the parent; he the child. Trust your gut-seek support for yourself if you feel he continues to pull you in directions you don't want to go. You are doing great! It's just not an easy thing-caring for a difficult elderly parent.

You dad is a fall risk/has fallen.....he should NEVER be left alone......regardless if he refuses help when you're away. Sounds like you're not a very good caregiver.

when you drink too much you can fall, add pain killers and oh boy. Dopey comments need not apply IMO, he needs stimulation and I am not talking drugs

LOL beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life forms here, lol

Roscoe888 - HOW can you possibly call her a not very good caregiver???OMG - I mean I did skim it but that was NOT her question!!! Daughterlinda, you will NEVER be able to "detach" your personality from your Dad - I had a similar sitution w/my Dad & now w/mom - we never lived w/each other but toward the end (the last year maybe 2008)it FELT like that - & BTW Roscoe888 - you'd consider ME not a very good caregiver (mom's in a n.h. & other things I did "wrong")- I get why others post these comments but why doesn't this site DO someting about it???Ugh - anyway, DO get to a good (& I mean good - be careful - there are a LOT mine's one of them, unfortunately)therapist & cry, scream, curse, do whatever you need to - a therapist's office is a SAFE place - ok, I don't want to go into a long-winded answer because you're head was hurting - & please watch how much aspirin you're taking - I'm serious - BE careful & please let me know how you're doing. The reason I say you most likely can't detach is because he's YOUR DAD!!!I went through the same thing with MY Dad - God I still can't believe he's gone...ugh - doesn'st get any easier with time. Anyway, hope my answer helps somewhat...

And ignore all nonsupportive comments on this site. Pick out info/resources/people who support you and offer good guidance (such as beammeupscotty and Madeaa). Really-you are doing well-it's so hard not to get caught up in the old child/parent relationship thing when caregiving for a difficult
parent. His safety-your sanity are your priorities. Book suggestion: coping with your difficult older parent: a guide for stressed out children by grace Lebow and Barbara Kane.

I guess I won't bother anymore answering anything since I wasn't mentioned as one of folks that offer "good guidance." It's ok, I'm just a little hurt & once again, my mom does NOT live w/me - whatever {sigh} I won't waste my time anymore - LOL - I need more time w/mom anyway - I'm not leaving this site, but...

WTH, if you live your life waiting for a pat on the back you may be sorely disappointed, you got to be okay with you as is, no matter what anyone thinks about it. Sometimes I find it helpful to answer a question to sort out my feeling and thoughts just like when I meditate to sort out my thoughts, feelings and gain greater perspective and understanding. This helps me to reinforce myself with proper attitude,if someone agrees great if not well, as I say if it don't apply let it fly, your opinion of me and what I say will not change my opinion of myself. My well being is not measured by what others think, say or feel about me.

Being a care giver is soool difficult. Good for you for taking the pills away. Alcohol and painkillers don't mix. If he has been bossy his whole life you are not going to change him. IF he won't take help from anyone else that is something he can still control. It's like it represents independence. This is not unusual for someone who needs help to exert some kind of autonomy. I have learned that just letting some things go in one ear and out the other or let it fly over your head. This applies of course to anything that won't put him in danger. Sometimes personalities only intensify as we get older. I sounds like a take charge guy is still trying to be a take charge guy. For you, take some respite. If you can't afford it there are agencies out there to help you We all need relief Good luck.

i would recommend a number of things. i listen to the "co-creator network" radio station on line. they have lots of therapeutic discussions and many deal with issues of health and handling those with special needs. most are based on keeping centered and present in the moment. (some of the shows are a little whacko but even those people are working with people to provide some creative outlets for their minds.) worrying about the past and the future are what stress us out. try to be more present or centered at work and you will see that it makes your life easier. also, reminding yourself that you are a creative being, an electrical force in the world, will give you a good outlet for your stress, and your father's. try to get involved in some artwork. paint a watercolor with him. have some child play with him. also, remember that love comes from within so pay attention to your heart and keep pumping out those love feelings. it will help you heal and will be good for your dad. even though my entire life has become taking care of others, who are not necessarily home upstairs, these tips have helped free me from my situational and mental prison and have set me back on the path to living.

Yes, practice Mindfulness, google it. I agree a great deal of our pain comes from dwelling on the past and mistakes to worry about the future. Stay in today, feel your feelings, watch them, don't judge them, don't stuff them, become objective to your feelings, watch them like clouds pass you by, one thing is constant, change, good things end, bad things end. On to the next...

I'll give my two cents on this. My Mom lives with my oldest sister and "tries" to dominate her every waking hour because she herself has no stimulus of her own to occupy her time during the day. Because of this my mother resented my sister, who had maintained a home based sales business, time she had to take away from sitting with her or entertaining her. She will literally throw temper tantrums or fake illnesses so that my sister would have to shut down what she was doing to placate her. Mom literally degenerated to where she wouldn't do any simple task for herself and insisted my sister do it for her, such as clean her own dentures. She is quite capable of doing these things. The final straw came when Mom woke crying out she couldn't move her legs. It seemed that the following weekend they had been visiting my brother who's wife had had knee surgery and could not walk. That's right, Mom decided that she could no longer walk! Since my sister had some severe back problems of her own, she told my mother she couldn't lift her. Mom still insisted she couldn't walk or move. Having no alternative my sister called EMS and took her to the ER. To make a longer story short... Mom was admitted to a rehab for awhile by a geriatric physician to try to get her to rehabilitate herself to do everyday things she should do on her own and socialize her. She refuses to socialize with anyone and resents my sister for leaving her there which wasn't what happened at all. It was recommended to be what was in her best interest and my sisters. Visits with her result in insults,accusations and crying asking to be taken home. Not sure who's benefiting from any of this. I'm just relating all of this so that even when you think you ARE doing what you feel is the best for all concern that there will be lingering questions if you really are. Trust your OWN judgement to your situation. No one else walks in your shoes.

The best caregivers have compassionate empathy for Their loved ones while avoiding becoming traumatized by exposure to pain in others that comes from too much sympathy. A sympathetic reaction means to experience what the other person is feeling or has gone through. Sympathetic reactions have two drawbacks. Sympathy can force traumatized people to have to deal with the emotional reactions of the listener, and sympathy can make the caregiver vulnerable to developing bystander PTSD, professional burnout, or worse.

Emotionally resilient people hold up well under pressure and can gain strength from rough emotional experiences. First and foremost you have to care for you, this is always a must in caregiving because you will get overwhelmed and burn out. This is no good for you or your father. You have a very heavy work load, BE CAREFUL for your sake. If he wants to resist care when you can't be there then so be it, they are there for his safety not his attitude. Good caregivers don't for the most part take it personally, they just do their jobs and exhale later. Don't get down on yourself your doing great. Take care

Sounds like O.C,D from dementia(to me (from the side lines) and some precious people get ornery (having a difficult and contrary disposition) when they need help the most, reminds me of the terrible two's and defiant teenagers but they have nothing on this and when our seniors have their "real" senior moments well let's say what it really is, behavior that 1. either doesn't make sense to us or 2. or it doesn't make sense to anyone and we can not sweep it away, file it or talk our way out of it.

But this is a place of support and safety where we can read and write about either our frustrations or voyeur into another person's life, and share their frustrations and opinions. The best help often comes when a person says something that is quite the opposite of what we would do or how we do feel, and in the midst of every thing, we get confirmation.

But back to your father, I have heard a little something about senior therapy??? anyone else heard of it??? something like the behavior therapy , I received when I had my strokes??? I wonder if they can do it inpatient???

He wants control and so do you, family dynamics rarely change. We let mom make her own bad decisions, but spell out the risks. We also get relief from the VNA (visiting nurses association) and they are more objective than family members.

ROSCOE888, THIS IS A FORUM TO ADDRESS ISSUES, RECEIVE GUIDANCE, SUPPORT AND ANSWERS TO THE CHALLENGES OF CAREGIVING. THIS SHOULD BE A NO JUDGEMENT ZONE.....KEEP YOUR NEGATIVITY TO YOURSELF!!!

Here are my two cents. You need to get a diagnosis for him. It sounds like dementia and depression to me, but I'm no expert by any stretch of the imagination. My Dad is on an anti-depressant that makes him easier to get along with and less paranoid.. Taking off his cast and frequent falls are bad, but not your fault. When old folks are forgetful they don't use the walker or wheelchair right in front of them because they're '39, what do they need that for?' Adult day care or some form of respite for you are essential. Your people-skills are wonderful, you're just tired. He should have other things going on to keep him busy so that you can work, uninterrupted. As someone else said, he's not going to like all of the changes, but he will adjust if you are firm with him. You are doing a terrific job!

That's roscoe's MO. Just ignore the trolls.

DaughterLinda, your dad has some kind of Dementia maybe brought on by drugs/alcohol. More common than you know.

All of the caregivers who have taken time to answer your question (except the troll) have some great suggestions and my first take on your issue is this:
At least you know you're not alone! That can make a huge difference in how you move forward with this insanity. And it is Insanity.

Sidebar: Congratulations on a very cool job! Protect your job in the midst of the crazy!

Keep writing out your frustrations and the amazing caregivers here will continue to chime in and offer support.

Change is hard but change we must when coping with a parent who is becoming more and more unreasonable. They are not going to change. We have to in order to survive.
You don't have to be the bossy daughter, you just have to get someone to help care for him so you can continue to be a daughter and not a nurse and he can continue to be your dad and not your patient. That would be the change I would be talking about. IMHO.

Good luck and keep writing it out!

lovbob

NEVER judge anyone else in their caregiving capacity. We who are in this position need all the support and help we can get in managing the challenging problems of the circumstance. You are right when you say we come here as, not only a place to ask questions, but to get answers and support. I was on the end of some of that judgement and all I can say is, "walk a mile in my shoes...".

I assume Dad is living with you and not the other way around? He's a fall risk, he's non-compliant with medical advice (drinking + drugs), and your work is suffering (though you CAN work at home, as an ED, it's likely not an ideal situation). It may be time for him to move out. Easier said than done, I know.

You people obviously don't know what a fall can do to an old person......it's devastating......it's death waiting to happen......you people take on a 'oh well'....attitude toward it.

I think it does sound like Dad has dementia because he accuses people of stealing (which is one of the clues they've told me). I know your Dad is refusing help, but my Mom has too. I just went out and hired an agency and call the person her "companion" to make it easier on my Mom. She was pretty pissed off at first, but we now have a caregiver who is golden. We would be extremely upset if we lost her. She takes my Mom out to do errands, helps around the house, and is always trying to get my Mom to eat (which we laugh at because she has 5 kids and that is just her personality). I can't shop with my Mom. She is a nightmare with me. But she is great with the caregiver. Just try it for a month, and see if it helps. He will have someone (other than you) to talk to, and may be easier to get along with.

roscoe888 - all I can say to you is that this is a support site and you certainly are not being supportive or helpful by judging and labeling. Take a breath and think before you post.

Dad says, "Are you THAT important?"
You say, "Yep, Dad .. because that's what you taught me to be. *laughs* Isn't it great that we're SO alike?"

Neither one of you needs to lose.

Yes I skimmed till I saw Roscoe mentioned...please ignore him and take the good sage advice from others...Roscoe does not seem to have a good sense of what this site is all about and seems to wallow in the negative anger and can be more detriment than help to those who truly seek advice and support! IMHO, lol!!!

Hi beammeupscotty...how are you doing? Thank you for your support along the way here!!!
Again just skimmed...I apologize for not having anything concrete to say!
Just hang in there to all....
Luv
Juju

Dear Linda,

First of all, I think that there is nothing wrong with "detached mode" because it is to me a survival mechanism. I have had to detach emotionally from my situation because it has overwhelmed me, burned me out completely and for my own protection I have resigned myself to become more "like a robot and a conscript" toward my father. I address my father's caregiving needs only. He tries to bait me all the time which became a huge source of pain and frustration, which in turn grew into resentment, anger, and bitterness. Yes, you absolutely need to continue with your life as much as you possibly can of course, because your father will pass and that be your security and livelihood. Guilt if often the biggest problem caregivers have. My situation has prompted the desire for a book for caregivers that should be much like a survival guide, because nothing in my life ever prepared me for this and I know only too well that caregivers are quickly becoming collateral damage - suffering as much - if not more than the person they care for. The best of luck to you and hope this helps. Kathie

You can tell when someone hasn't had very much real life experience by their comments. Old people fall, period, the end! It just happens & you can't alwsys prevent it. My mom has fallen many times when someone was right there with her but we chose to let her try to walk rather than tie her up & make her miserable & helpless. Sometimes caregivers have to make these choices. As for personalities changing, not a lot to do except figure out a way to minimize the change. Only you can do that.

My heart goes out to you. I also know about the drink as my husband is in the same boat. Does he drink beer. Can always puta non-ahol beer in a glass and give it to him I talked to my husband's Doctor and I am in the process of getting a nurse it is through Medicare he will not be happy but I also need to be sane . If he falls call 911. tell then it is not a emergency but your Dad has fallen. Some one will come to pick him up. I hope this helps a little bit we can't win it all but we can only do our best

I try the broken record response. I teach it to students that are being bullied or agitated by a classmate. Think of a comeback phrase that is dismissive and passive. With kids I have used, " Ok, (name), don't cause trouble." The response is repepeated in a non- threatening, emotionless, "been there done that" manner after every retort from the offending individual. Example: "
You must be so important!"
"Okay dad don't cause trouble"
"Oh so I'm trouble now am I"
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
I wouldn't have a problem if you didn't hire that housekeeper"
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
Etc. etc.
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
Try it. The key is not getting emotional because the discussion is not going end in resolution anyway and you will passing the responsibility back on him. Good luck!