Caregiving for mom has changed me, it's affecting my husband. What do I do?


My mom is 90 with Alzheimers. She lives three minutes away by car and my 26 daughter (pregnant) lives there as well. My husband complains that i put him last and by the time he sees me, I'm exhausted. I often am. My daughter and I both work full time. Caregiver one day a week($) for laundry, general cleaning. Mom is alone all day, can't remember to eat. I go there almost daily. I admit the whole change of moving her here and caregiving has changed me. I am not fun, am wiped out, and slightly depressed. I see him slipping away but not wanting to. What to do?

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Please find a way to have more time with your husband. He is your first priority. I agree that your mother should not be alone all day, so the options are to hire someone to stay with her during the day, who then can do some things for her during the day, or place her in a facility. Research the resources in your community. Maybe your husband can help you with that as he has a vested interest in it - or maybe not. Looking ahead, as your mother will decline, develop a plan - ideally with the help of your husband and daughter - for your mother's care in the future. Her financial resources will have to be taken into account. Can she afford to hire help? Do you have POA and other documents in place. Will she need to go on Medicaid? Good luck and let us know what you do.
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Listen to your husband before he walks away. Although he voices it as complaints, he obviously cares about you and your marriage - you "see him slipping away but not wanting to". You need some relief from caring for the needs of your mother, I hope you can afford to hire someone.
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My dad has ALZ, mom is frail but mentaly sharp. When they moved here we had a CG for dad while I worked.. then went to Part time whwn Mom came home from rehab. It has been a blessing. And worth every penny!
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Yes, you do need to carve out time for yourself and time for the couple. Can you two go out to dinner one night a week, or for a walk, or to a quiet bar? You also need an entire weekend off from time to time.

Is Mom on Medicaid? If so, there may be some funds for respite care. You need it.
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Hello! Can't hubby help too, instead of just complain? Or am I missing something?
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jane12468, a 90-year-old woman with dementia who can't remember to eat should probably not be left alone during the day. You work full time and have a husband to attend to; daughter works full time and is pregnant. I hate to put even more pressure on you, but something has to change here, in my opinion.

Mom needs more in-home care during the day. Maybe a personal care attendant or a health aide. NOT you or your daughter, but someone hired to be with Mom, help her with lunch, take her for walks, etc.

It sounds like Mom needs more care, and you need to give less care. One solution is the fill that gap with hiring more care. What is Mom's financial situation? Can she afford this?
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I understand your husband's feelings. A caregiver must remember that other family members are still there! It is so hard to do.
My husband passed away 3 years ago and I often think that caregiving would be worse if he were here because we wouldn't have our quality time together. That quality time your husband is so important. Take it from me - I would give anything to just see my husband's wonderful face one more time.
I desperately miss him but don't even have time to touch my feelings these days. It's all one big grind.
I go to work at 6:30 am...............(in our basement office)
Then my inlaws wake up at 9:30............bathroom, cleanup, dress them, make their breakfast, clean it up,
run back down to my office for another 2 hrs.
Then .....lunch, clean it up, bathroom, cleanup, settle them at table for afternoon,
run back down to my office for another 3 hours.
Then start dinner, cleanup dinner, bathroom, cleanup, settle them in front of tv, give them their ice cream, more bathroom issues, bedtime ritual etc. By the time I get into bed, I am wasted.
I can't imagine how hard this would be on a marriage.
But I also think about how much help my husband would be if he were still here.
You must put your marriage first. I certainly would if I could :(
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