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I had to set up new account due to passwords not matching up. Previous screen name was Diannekk. Anyhow, no one will probably remember me because I haven't posted or replied in forever. No time. Not for myself or a support forum. Just at wits end. Caring for 68 yo mom with lung disease. She has been hospitalized 3 times this year for lung infections. Plus has fell a few times. Its one thing after another & I'm going to be honest. I feel done with the situation. Just done. I've fell into a deep depression, which I'm working through with help from zoloft but all I want is MY life back. I'd love to have a break also. No vacay in 4 yrs now due to her health. I just wonder if it ever gets easier. I won't be able to tolerate this deal much longer & I feel zero guilt for approaching the time to place her in a SNF. I tried to get hospital to send her to rehab last time but they were zero help. If and when she falls again is when she will go to rehab and I plan to do placement at that time. I have given my life up and I'm ready to reclaim it. Any thoughts tips or advice? A person knows how much they can personally withstand and I am there. I want to be a daughter again and still caregive from distance but my whole life on hold is ridiculous. My mother didn't do this. Why am I in a neverending situation?

I hope that you will consider placement now. I do not feel that you should give up your life to your mother, and I think that you have arrived at the end of what you are capable of doing. Tell your mother this with all kindness. Do know that her doctor, the hospital, the hospital social workers, everyone out there will attempt to guilt you into doing this. You are going to have to be very strong, because they will all be full of promises about how they "can help you" and about how "we will make this work" and etc. You have to make this not an option. Next admission it is as simple as telling MD and Social Worker on DAY ONE that you will not be taking your mother back home. That you have known that you cannot do this anymore for a long time. That you are at the end of your rope mentally and continuing to try to do this could end them all up with your suicide on their collective conscience. Explain to them that you have tried and that you will NOT now be taking your mother back home. As I said, they will do anything, say anything and try anything to get you to continue care. You must be strong enough to stand for yourself now. Explain to your Mom ahead of time how it will be, tell her that you together must write up what she wants now in terms of full care, palliative care, hospice, or whatever. That would be little help to your mother. You are not a Saint and you do not deserve to be Martyred. You have done all you can. That is all any of us can do. Many have been there before you. I myself have seen my brother into assisted living. He is 85 and I am 76; I know full well I cannot care for him; so does he. Is that sad? Yes, that is sad. Life is full of sad things and loss. We all do the best we can. Please do not beat yourself up.
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Justme44 Jul 1, 2019
Thank you & I fully agree with everything you stated. It feels nice to know others can relate & really understand my situation. I wish it could be simpler and I could keep doing it but as you stated, their has to be a line in the sand somewhere. Especially before your own health is comprised. I hope your brother adjusted & is doing well. Thank you for your thoughts & encouragement. I will be strong and Make sure they listen & hear me.
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Welcome back. I don’t think you are “approaching” the time to put her in a facility, I think you’ve arrived at your destination. I was “lucky” with my husband. Two weeks ago, his blood pressure took a nosedive and he was 9-1-1ed to the ER. We managed to keep him there for the 3 days admittance required by Medicare. He was then sent to rehab for therapy for his immobility. I expect he will be gone for 2 months. This actually was orchestrated by my husband’s doctor. I am getting some much deserved and appreciated respite from 24/7 caregiving. I do everything for him but feed him.

Start the process to place your mother now. Apply for Medicaid if necessary. Get POA if you don’t already have it. Start touring facilities. Speak with her doctors for a referral stating that she needs more care than you can provide. Turn your feelings of hopelessness into being proactive about changing your situation. Good luck. Come back and tell you how you’re doing.
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I"m afraid I don't have good advice - I am in a similar boat, and haven't found a good solution myself.

But wanted to say, you don't come across as harsh at all -- you come across as tired and worn out from this, and that's real and ok. Keep coming back here when you get time, and soak up the encouragement of everyone's stories and advice. You said it yourself, we know how much we can take. And honestly, it seems like once we say we are at the end of our rope . . . . . we were really at the end of our rope some time ago.


{{{hugs}}} to you, it's hard, and lonely, and you are not imagining that at all!!
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Justme44 Jul 1, 2019
Thank you for kind words!! I will keep visiting because I find so many people in my boat and some stories and comments are really laugh out loud funny:) I hope things resolve for you also. All we really want is peace and loved ones to be healthy but I have watched my mom super decline over 2 years and it really hurts like hell.
Thank u:)😊😘😇
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You are caring for your Mum, who lives with you.

You are caring for your Mum, who lives at XXX Hall/Home/Manor.

Still caring, just differently. A new chapter.

Less physical hands-on caring but eventually, once the burnout subsides, a cheerful loving daughter to be a very welcome visitor. And steps towards your own life plans for yourself.

You've ready for this new path. All the best.
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Justme44 Jul 5, 2019
Thank you!!😊🎉🎊😘
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After many falls and trips to the hospital, the last rehab was not successful. He has had dementia and Parkinson's for several years. It was reccommended he stay for long term care because I couldnt care for him at home anymore. With Medicaid it became possible.I'm living a nightmare. Alone during the day, fretting, unmotivated and sad. Going to visit him is excruciating. His moods are angry to violent, paranoid to abusive language. Guilt is not a good enough word for how I feel. I don't want to be with him and I don't want to be without him. He's not only losing his memory but his mind too. No amount of support, coaching, or therapy can make me feel ok. I won't be ok again.
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Justme44 Jul 2, 2019
Maybe in time, things will improve. I sure hope so. Just one day at a time. Your doing all u can, right? Thats all that really matters. Being true and hands on support.
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Thank you so much!!:) Very true that I have landed into the destination. I read my post over & may come off a little harsh but extremely overwhelmed. I have no family help and it really has all became way to much on me. Finally, I realize how much Im doing and all Im giving up, to do it! Glad u are getting much deserved & needed time off!!:) I really need a "real" break too. Praying I get one soon. I love my mom but it feels like the stress of it all has consumed me and now horribly affecting important realationship in my life. Thanks again😘
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Ahmijoy Jul 1, 2019
You’re very welcome and glad I could help. You certainly didn’t come across as too harsh. Caregiving is a tough and sometimes impossible job,,and it does affect other relationships. I’ve developed a negative attitude and a short fuse and I’m certainly not proud of it.

Theres no question of your love for your mother. But, you also need to love yourself as well. Start looking for placement for her now. And come back often with updates.
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I have been taking care of my mom for 20 years; the last 5 were harrowing requiring around the clock supervision and at the very end stages of Alzheimer's. A simple cold turns into major infection and she's in the Emergency Room almost monthly now. I dread everyday. yes your whole life will be on hold. Your only other option is a nursing home and I think it's the best thing to do. Taking care of my mom for so many years means sacrificing myself for her. That is exactly what I have done.

But note the stress does not end with nursing homes. You have to visit and very often, preferably daily. They still will fall, and they can easily get infection from other patients. However, if you are unable to manage her bowels and bladder, which it will become (my mom forgot how to bear down. I have to use enemas otherwise she will get impacted), you are better off putting her in a nursing home. However, nursing homes do not always keep tabs when their last bowel movement was...or they can get c. diff and superbugs from the other patients. Happens a lot in institutionalized care.

Hospitals and nursing homes are very dangerous places. If your mom is still cognizant in any way, all you will hear is she will want to go home. You will have to live with a lot of guilt.
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gdaughter Jul 4, 2019
Yours is an example of what makes me step back mentally and count my blessings. Dealing with an elder is not easy regardless of location and is still an immense responsibility/burden at times. It also highlights a massive need in our country to create a career path for those who have the calling to care, and to fund more at-home care which should still be less than an institutional setting. We just started having an aide for 4 hours a week and the one we had last week QUIT her job in a nursing home because watching the way people were being treated was too hard for her. She shared my opinion on never letting a loved one go into a nursing home...and yet there is that breaking point where one cannot go on, especially doing bowel/bladder issues where one must wonder about saying "never". bless you and everyone doing what you are...sending hugs
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Placement is not a decision you should make alone, especially if your mother is still able to make her own decisions. I've learned from this site the importance of setting up POA and advance directives. Nobody said you have to be the only caregiver for your mom so please get some help. The hospital social worker may have some suggestions.
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Justme44 Jul 5, 2019
POA's are pointless in my situation. Although she can make some decisions, she can't live on her own. So if im not doing it then their is only one option. Her primary would have already signed the paperwork for me. They see what condition she is in and know its on me. Some people have to go poa route which is fine. Im just not one of them.
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This is an excellent site which helped me over the last two years.  My husband just passed following 8 years with Alzheimer's.  He was almost 82 years.  I am 78 and was able to care for him at home until the last 7 days when he was in Hospice.  I was preparing to bring him home when I was told I could no longer care for him safely at home as he was failing.  I have not posted before and really don't have the energy to do so now but wanted to thank everyone for sharing their insights and experiences.  God Bless all the dedicated family member caregivers as well as the caring, responsible professionals.  I had an angel on my shoulder working overtime, guiding me through this difficult journey.  Educating yourself, communicating with family and drs, and being proactive is necessary.
JLJMT
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Justme44 Jul 4, 2019
Thank you so much! You husband sounds like a very special man. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you can take good care of yourself now. I also believe in gardian angels. You can feel the presence. I hope you will continue on the site and best of luck.
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Very caring and helpful advice here. Glad you feel some confirmation in thoughts and feelings. You (and others here) are so young. Do whatever it is you need to do to provide a safe environment for your mom so that you can do some healing and get your life back.
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Justme44 Jul 5, 2019
Thank you!!😊🎉🎊💝😇
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