What do you do when the caregivers are being verbally and emotionally attacked?

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Where do you go? How do you stop being attacked? What are the caregiver's rights? My Mom is sinking deeper and more frequently into the part of saying horrible hurtful words and the cussing! She would surely make a sailor blush as the saying goes. Mom is like this with everyone in the home. It is taking a serious emotional toll on everyone. It has now become an everyday thing. One minute she's as sweet as can be. Laughing and talking with us. The next moment she turns into someone else. Example: if you disagree with her, don't include her in a private conversation, if she notices something in the house has been moved, all this and much more sets her off. We have our TV, computer, coffee maker, and we're putting our microwave in our room this weekend. Along with all that our granddaughter's pack and play crib is in our bedroom. Thank GOD we have a bathroom in our room. I hate having to go into the kitchen to get something as she seems always ready for an argument. My husbands step Dad who he was very close to passed away this past Tuesday evening. The following evening we were going to my husbands Mom's home so that we could comfort her and just be there for her. I mentioned this earlier in the day to my mom to just let her know that I had her medicine made up and dinner in the fridge because we would be home late. She was livid! Why? Because she was going to be left alone! She kept knocking several times on our bedroom door asking us when we were leaving? each time more aggitated. We finally left and upon our coming into the house later that night she was ready and waiting on us! We didn't even have the door shut yet! I'm sure by now some of you are asking why don't you just leave? The answer....we sold our home, gave everything away and now all we have are boxes of the 14 yrs in our old home. Our home was to small for Mom to come and live with us. I didn't want her living in a nursing home so we moved in with her. Now we have no where to go. I had mentioned an assisted living for her a few months ago, Everyone from the people in the nursing homes to her Aides that come in to help her said to my Mom....they just want to stick you some where and take your home! What!!! I told my Mom straight up sell your home, get a nest egg and go into AL. That was until I was told that she could not sell her home for 5 years being on Medicaid. So here we are. I don't know what to do. My family Dr. has increased my depression meds and suggested that I take seriously to finding a Psychologist. I am in the process of doing that now. Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks to everyone who got through this long winded message. Hugs to all~Donna

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Grammyteacher,

Thank you for the great advice! I am learning how to walk away or to not speak with her when she is in one of her rants. My nature is to argue back and to last as long as they do! This is helping no one, and I'm getting tired of staying so upset and having panic attacks! It still drives me up the wall though when I do walk away, go to our room and lock the door. All the while she's pounding on the door and not going away until I open the door and yell at her!

I need to figure out a solution to that issue.

I did laugh at the story lol. Such a bright and wise young little boy he was back then!
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Bookworm50, I *almost* know exactly what you are going through. I have not had to live with my mom and she is currently in a nursing home. However, nothing you tell her is right, she wants you to fix everything for her, she doesn't understand that the aides and nurses have other patients, and if you aren't doing something for her at that moment, then you shouldn't be doing whatever you are doing. She resents me for having to work. Can you imagine? Yet at the same time, I give her spending money, buy her clothes, buy her the depends she prefers, baby wipes, etc. It is unreal.

She is on depression meds and just saw the psychiatrist Saturday. Yesterday, she wants to see the doctor again because she isn't instantly better. She has yelled at everyone in the nursing home and continuously calls it a dump. She is a bully to her roommate and others. She has called the aides racist slurs. She calls the nurse on the night shift fat. She then calls me and thinks I should be able to fix everything for her and it is all my fault that she is in there. Meanwhile, she doesn't listen to a word I say and tells me I am wrong about everything. My uncle came and picked up her laundry because I told her I wouldn't be there this weekend. He did it and dropped it off to her yesterday. He told her he had to go and was double parked. She looked out the window to check and said he wasn't. I am sure he said that just so he didn't have to visit because she is so mean. When I told her it was nice of him to do her laundry and she should thank him, she said, oh his wife did it. I said, okay, but that is still nice. She said, it wasn't that much laundry. Lord almighty.

It is soooo difficult but somehow you have to detach emotionally from her. This way when she says mean things, it just rolls off your back. However, I have been trying to do that myself for the past year and I haven't been successful. Just know that there are a whole lot of others out here in the same boat as you and you are doing the best you can.
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Grammy, your grandson had a good technique. Truth often works best. It's like we get so used to absorbing pain from our elders and skirting around the truth. We feel the truth is disrespectful. That gives so much power to an elder who is still in possession of some of their senses. I believe that honesty is the best first thing to try even if it will hurt feelings for a short time. There's nothing wrong with telling a parent that things are not working out, that everyone is miserable and changes need to be made. If said right, then the elder is also in the circle of people who will benefit from the change.

I do have to say that this won't work if an elder has no reasoning ability or is a hellcat by nature.
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It is so incredibly difficult but if you learn techniques to defuse your mom's anger, you can do it. As a teacher, I have worked with children with what I call escalating personalities. I found that the first rule was never let them know you are frustrated. Stay calm, at least on the outside, and state what needs to happen. Then walk away from the situation.

A funny story to give you laugh.... Once, my mom was being tough. She was not really aware much but would say mean things. She told my little grandson, 2 at the time, "get out of my house!" At that time we had moved her to our house (we lived with her and my stepdad for over a long time before moving her...long story). This sweet grandson has always loved her and teaches us how to handle her. He said in a sweet voice with a smile on his face, " this is not you's house, this is Grammy and Papa's house...you's house is with Grandpa." He was just matter of fact. She smiled and said okay. Ha ha ha so funny and cute! Out of the mouth of babes.
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Grammyteacher,

Thank you for your suggestions. I will look into them either tonight or in the morning. I did not know we were going to become caregivers. No one told us that Mom had Alzheimer's. The first nursing home said Mom was mentally able to care for herself, she could walk with some assistance, and she would improve over time. I and hubby thought we were there to give her a hand and do things that at that time she was too weak to do. It wasn't until we got home with her that we realized that Mom was not healthy physically or mentally. If Mark and I had of known that she needed more care than what we were qualified or able to give her, We would have made a completely different decision.
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JessieBelle

OMGosh I am truly not alone! There are those that are going through the same thing as I am and get it! I could just cry. My Mom is so mean and cruel and says the most awful things to us all. My mom can't see that she too is the instigator. In your message " She gets mad at me for not acting totally subservient." that is my Mom in a nut shell. I hate to say this but I wish Mark and I had never given up on our home just so she wouldn't lose hers. I should have let the nursing home or AL take care of her so that I could just be a daughter. Yes, she would have lost her home that is paid off. But I just wish we were back in our home. It's so true....you never miss something until it's gone. Everything we had is gone. While Mom sits here and tells us constantly this is her home and she wants it to be like such and such. I tell mom, yes you own this home but you have invited Mark and me in. Along with Brittany, our grand daughter, and her fiance. We all pay the bills equally. We don't have Mom pay for groceries as it doesn't seem right. We're going to cook anyway and Mom eats like a bird. Our name is on the lease. So I feel like We have a right to ask her to quit invading our privacy and respect that we can agree to disagree and move on. But the rantings are just getting so out of control.

Thank you for sharing about your Mom and your relationship. It's helped a lot. How is your day/evening going? Is it a good day or a bad day?
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What I did was to learn new strategies to work with my mom. Saying no only agitates the person with demensia. Look at the techniques taught be Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. Never argue, it will get you no where. Demensia damages the brain, and you can't expect a damaged brain to change it learn... You must be the one to change. It is tough and not everyone can handle being a caregiver for a person with demensia, but if you make the choice to do this, you need to learn how to react with patience. One last thing, Alzheimer's has stages... Each stage has it's own issues and behaviors...but this too shall pass and something new will surface. Remember her condition will continue to get worse and the level of care needed will continue to increase. You will have little time to yourself. If you are unable to meet her needs now, you may want to start looking at placement options.
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Bookworm, my mother is very self centered. The only thing I can do if she gets nasty is walk away. My mother has dementia, though she doesn't recognize it. This causes all kinds of problems itself. Quite often she'll ask me for something I know she doesn't need, like a strong laxative or an extra pill. If I say she doesn't need it or there isn't extras, she come into my room and start yelling and slamming things. I've grown a backbone since being here and keep telling her to leave my room until she goes. Standing right back up to her is the thing that works. She goes away mad, but at least she goes away.

When she starts telling me how difficult I am, I have started to tell her that it isn't me, it is her. She can't see that she is the instigator. She gets mad at me for not acting totally subservient. Usually I walk away, but there are times when I have to back her down or I wouldn't be able to stay.

It can be a problem when we move into their homes, since they want total control. They see us as willful teenagers even when we are getting Medicare. It's really silly if you think about it. One thing I wondered is if your daughter and grandchild would be able to afford their own place so they could get away from her at least part of the time. You could keep the grandchild as your daughter worked, then she could come get her and take her home. That would take some of the pressure off, but I don't know if it is doable.

I don't envy you at all. When mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. And if mama's unhappy all the time it is a recipe for misery.
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pamzimmrrt,

I agree with you, I should have gone to them and straight up asked. I guess I was just so hurt by my Mom thinking that that's what she thought I would do! That I solely focused on it and the hurt of her believing it.
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Have you asked the other caregivers, who are telling her you are after her house and money,, straight up.. about what she says they said? You may be surprised, and they may be surprised! She very well could be making this up, and they may well be shocked as well. I might try this tactic first. And I would have been all over that right away!
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