Caregivers and my moms decline.

The caregivers work for your mom. It isn't their fault that she's declining. They're doing what they're hired to do -- care for her.

Understand this, too: She WILL likely end up in a wheelchair at some point regardless of what she does. Should you be blamed for not preventing it? That makes as much sense as blaming the caregivers.

I remember getting sooo very frustrated with my mother's seemingly purposefully NOT doing the things I *thought* she could do, physically. I remember saying to myself, very bitterly, "if she would only keep DOING her PT once she's home, she would keep her strength up!!".

It was a tough day when I realized that she *really couldn't* do her PT exercises by herself, at home. She wasn't "faking" it in order to be waited on. She was justifiably scared of falling. In a rehab facility, where there are multiple able-bodied therapists and assistants to oversee and keep someone safe from falling - or at least as safe as an elderly, frail person ever can be - it's less scary to do those exercises. But at home, on your own, or just a family member nearby for "morale support"? I think it's an entirely different mindset.

At 56 I find myself much less willing to do things I might have done even only 10 years age. We went to the Carribean in the winter - my DH, me and our 2 kids - and I could not bring myself to jump off the side of a catamaran (a whopping 4 feet) into a perfectly calm ocean. In my thirties? I would have made that leap without a second thought! But life experiences, while usually helpful for making judgement calls, sometimes makes you hesitate doing things you USED to be able to do because now you might have a few falls under your belt or a few injuries you've had to rehab from, you might have a few chronic nagging aches and pains you don't want to aggravate- well, you get the picture.

If your mom has had some falls in the past, I can well see why she's leery about walking around too much and risking another one. At the end, my mom was falling every other day, it seemed, and the more she fell, the less she was willing to walk around on her own, and I can't say as I blamed her.

And insofar as the caregivers "contributing" to her physical decline- well, if I was a caregiver for someone who was a fall risk, I think I would be doing the same thing as the ones who are working for your mom and try and mitigate that risk as much as I could. And the best way to mitigate the risk of an elderly person falling is to keep them from getting up and moving around. It's why people who are admitted to the hospital are encouraged to NOT get out of their beds and move around too much - to reduce the fall risks.

It's age that's contributing to mom's decline, not the caregivers.

Not that your Mom is young but she is not old. I know a woman whose 85 that still cruises.

If your Mom was in her 90s I would say that the one thing that gives out is the legs. There was a retired Cop in town you would see him walking up and down the highway. Then it just became around a big block. Then very little. He asked his DIL do think its my age thats the problem. He was 98 and lived to be 104.

I would have Mom evaluated. Ask her doctor to give her an order for in home physical therapist. Talk to the therapist before the first session and tell them what you feel Mom could do and what she doesn't do. Once you know what the therapist says Mom can do, then u will know if she needs Caregivers 8 hrs a day.

Do not make the Caregivers feel its their fault. They work for Mom so they do whats asked of them. What you might want to do is have a sit down talk with Mom once u have the therapists report. If it shows she is capable of more than she is doing u sit right in front of her and have her look u in the eye. Then you tell her, ur are capable of X, Y, Z. You need to start doing or you will end up in a wheelchair. When that happens, I refuse to take you anywhere. You will not be able to remain in ur home at that point because will then be 24/7 care. The cost of aides will be out of what you or I can afford so u WILL go into a NH because I refuse to do that kind of care. Then you leave it at that. When it happens, you can say "I told you".

I oversee a disabled nephew who has been told this exact thing. He has gotten so heavy there is no way I will be able to get him to appts. I have told him I will not be his Caregiver so if it gets where he needs care he will go into a NH. Actually, I think he would like it. Gets 3 meals a day. Laundry done for him. Some socialization.

Don’t become the nag.. it does no good.

my mom got c diff and that was life changing for her. Had a hospital stay , onto rehab.. I’d call and ask her if she was sitting up eating her meal.. yes , she said.. uh no, she was in the hospital bed.. quote the dr said to take it easy, so she took it easy in rehab where they were going to kick her out for not participating.

Overtime I became the caregiver , not daughter.. nagging got no where…

“I didn’t realize caregivers would contribute to my mom’s physical decline.”

maybe.
you’re right of course, that by them doing things she can do herself, she loses muscle, abilities. “use it, or lose it”.

at the same time, keep in mind, all the crises/emergencies/disasters the caregivers probably prevented just by being there. it hasn’t all been in vain, having caregivers.

i told my LO’s caregivers too, to force my LO to do certain things. “use it, or lose it”. luckily, the caregivers listen to me. they do as i suggest.

The doctors answer to everything is movement and physical therapy. They don't take into consideration factors like age, pain, fear, dizziness, physical limitations, exhaustion, and other things that may prevent the elder from doing the Richard Simmons fun workouts we label them "too lazy" to do. If dementia is setting in, they can forget how to do those exercises and lose motivation to do them as well.

The bottom line is, when your mother's money runs out and she can no longer afford to age in place at home as she's doing now, she'll go into a wheelchair and be moved into Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid. Let her know that......that it's up to her how this plays out, to some degree at least.

When old age and infirmity set in, we can blame whoever we'd like for the decline in our loved ones. But it's the human body and mind breaking down that's truly to blame. When my mother refused PT and her balance issues intensified, she knew she'd go into a wheelchair and she did. It wasn't the end of her life, either, just the start of a different one. She had to move from AL into Memory Care, and the decline was sad to watch. And it continued for nearly 3 years before she passed. Had she accepted pt, she may have warded off the wheelchair for 6 more months, Idk.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.

Sorry , But I’m with your husband . Your mom is lazy, or it’s too much effort for her to get up anymore . Or Mom is liking being waited on or is afraid of falling . Either way she will atrophy . A lot of old people get like this. They decline for one reason or another . Have you tried to get physical therapy in ?

My father in law is like that and can barely walk again. He was walking better after many weeks of physical therapy. We’ve gone through this a number of times with him getting PT then declining again . He’s lazy . He doesn’t listen when he is told to get up and walk more each day to maintain the progress he made . He’s in assisted living.

If I was a paid caregiver and got blamed for your mother’s very common decline , or was threatened with losing my job, I would not trust you to come up with other things to blame me for . I would quit .

Caregivers didn’t create the situation, mom's demands and likely fears of falling are the cause. Caregivers are trying to be responsible, respectful, and keep their patient safe. Falls are the bane of the elderly, each one often creates a new, lowered state of normal, less functionality. My dad had some nasty falls and came to fear them, though they proved inevitable. Encourage the caregivers to walk beside mom and be encouraging to her. But ultimately this is mom declining, and handling it with demands and fear. We may all be there one day

I kind of agree with your husband. Caregivers are there to assist but if your mom isn't willing to try what would you have them do? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.When my mom was in a rehab place after a long stay at hospital they offered exercise classes. When I say exercise I mean kicking a ball, stretching moves, swinging arms etc. She refused to go. I went a couple of times and sat beside her. I even participated but when I didn't go with her, forget it. I even had to trick her into going a couple of times pretending I was just wheeling her around for a walk but instead I wheeled her into the exercise class and left her there. Man, was she mad! Eventually they discharged my mom back into my care cause they needed her bed for someone who would participate.I sympathize but if your mom doesn't want to help herself I don't know what to suggest to you.