If your Mom actually had a blind rage, as I described earlier, she will not remember what she said or did in that rage. Your mind shuts down. Or as said, some Dementia maybe going on too. Stress does a number on the body too.
"He recently called her names etc" well, I may rage at that too. She has been caring for him for 5 yrs and he shows no appreciation! I walked in on my Mom screaming at my Dad. He had pushed her buttons too many time. She had waited on him all 55 years of their marriage. From the age of 52 till 79 she was his caregiver. He was on disability for his heart. He asked her to do something he was perfectly able to do for himself. She said "you have been retired for 25 yrs. Whens my turn" he said "never" and that set her off. I thought she was going to have a stroke. When she sort of calmed down she said "when u take those vows you don't think you both will be old and your don't feel like taking their s _ _t anymore" So I can see where Mom was coming from.
I think at this point if Dad is in care, he should stay there. Mom needs a break.
So if I understand this, your Mom was the one having the rage episodes, and not being very good to your Father? And your Father is now in care? That's wonderful. Not the rage, but the move to care.
No, your Mom should no longer be caring for your Dad. She has reached her limits.
That she is expressing now that you "took him from her" is just a part of her helplessness, and her mourning the loss of her husband on many levels. Let her know that yes, you did take him and you did move him, and that he needs more care now than she can give, that it's too risky for her own health to do caregiving. She will mourn this. It is worth grieving over. I am so sorry.
Welcome Shalom I am curious ( I know curiosity killed the cat...) Since you have no info in your profile and your question is sort of ambiguous Is the "caregiver" Mom and the care recipient your Dad? (And I am guessing mom is a step-mom is that correct?) And if this is the case mom is no longer the caregiver and you have placed dad either in a facility or a sibling is caring for him.
Caregiver burnout is real. If mom has had issues previously (I am using the term issues as a catch all for anger, stress, anxiety, or any mental health issue) Caregiving can just be like the house of cards tumbling, or the dominos that once one falls they all go. "We" think that everyone expects us to do it all. "We" think we don't need to ask for help. "We" think we should not accept help. When we realize that we can not do it all it is a blow to the ego and the psyche. Has dad been open to having caregivers in to help out? Or has he fought the issue and only wanted mom or other family members to help?
One other thing to consider...mom may well be having cognitive problems herself. Now that she is not caring for dad she should have a full physical and I would message the doctor that she should at least have a "Mini Mental" exam done.
I have seen blind rage and its scary. My DD suffered from it at 14 and we got her therapy. She would forget everything she said and did during the rage. Would act like nothing happened which infuriated me. I now know thats what blind rage means. Her solution, write everything down while ur angry. Your feelings, etc. By the time your done the anger dissipates.
It does not sound to me like a hired aide, firing would have solved tge problem. I have a feeling its a family member and even with therapy, they should not ever be a caregiver. Stress may trigger the rage and Caregiving is stressful even if getting help. Your responsible for another person and making decisions for them. Their wellbeing supersedes yours. If the person is not easy to care for, more stress.
Mom has been caregiver of Dad who has been sick w/cancer and mci for 5+ years. He recently called her names etc and doesn't treat her as well as he did for most of their life. She said she is done caring for him but now says we took her husband and she seems to not understand why.
Let me welcome you to this Forum and Shalom Shabbat to you. It was the right decision to dismiss the caregiver. She needs professional help and should not be caring for anyone if she is suffering from rage. This sounds like extreme caregiver burnout to me and I would know because I had it. I was a professional caregiver for 25 years mostly to the elderly in their homes. For several years I dealt with them hour after miserable hour all day long. Then came home to my elderly, abusive, instigating, passive/aggressive mother and her abusive neediness and mental illness. I got to a point where I had blind rage so bad that I was almost driven to an act of desperation. So I went into therapy. I still go. I found a good caregiver support group (this Forum) and learned other people's experiences and knew that I wasn't alone. A good start for your caregiver suffering from rage is to put her onto this Forum. It can help her so much just to interact with other caregivers who get it. Then follow it with therapy. I operate a homecare agency now. No more hands-on care for me and I will never care for another elderly person in any capacity. Not even companionship. I still have 25 years of valuable experience that I share. Please put your former caregiver onto this group or even an in-person support group.
Any caregiver having "rage episodes" is in no position to be doing ANY caregiving of ANY kind at ANY time. Especially that she won't seek help for herself, that's a dangerous situation you're asking for if you allow her back into your home.
Tell us a bit about the person needing care first, and your relationship to him or her.
Then tell us about the person GIVING the care and his or her relationship to you. It will help if you fill in the profile on your profile page as some of us go there when we don't have enough information in the question.
We may perhaps have some answers for you with more information. Meanwhile will wish you the best.
Hi Southern: I sure suspect you are correct, but I am wondering where you got extra info? I haven't seen even a profile by this new OP. Let me know what you know.
thanks. Mom has been caregiver of Dad who has been sick w/cancer and mci for 5+ years. He recently called her names etc and doesn't treat her as well as he did for most of their life. She said she is done caring for him but now says we took her husband and she seems to not understand why.
Who is the caregiver and age of her and the person she cared for. How is she related to you. Who is doing the caring now and what plans are in place for the person your caring for.
Could the Caregivers rages be from being a caregiver and they were burnt out? We really need more background.
Mom has been caregiver of Dad who has been sick w/cancer and mci for 5+ years. He recently called her names etc and doesn't treat her as well as he did for most of their life. She said she is done caring for him but now says we took her husband and she seems to not understand why.
"He recently called her names etc" well, I may rage at that too. She has been caring for him for 5 yrs and he shows no appreciation! I walked in on my Mom screaming at my Dad. He had pushed her buttons too many time. She had waited on him all 55 years of their marriage. From the age of 52 till 79 she was his caregiver. He was on disability for his heart. He asked her to do something he was perfectly able to do for himself. She said "you have been retired for 25 yrs. Whens my turn" he said "never" and that set her off. I thought she was going to have a stroke. When she sort of calmed down she said "when u take those vows you don't think you both will be old and your don't feel like taking their
s _ _t anymore" So I can see where Mom was coming from.
I think at this point if Dad is in care, he should stay there. Mom needs a break.
That's wonderful. Not the rage, but the move to care.
No, your Mom should no longer be caring for your Dad. She has reached her limits.
That she is expressing now that you "took him from her" is just a part of her helplessness, and her mourning the loss of her husband on many levels. Let her know that yes, you did take him and you did move him, and that he needs more care now than she can give, that it's too risky for her own health to do caregiving.
She will mourn this. It is worth grieving over. I am so sorry.
I am curious ( I know curiosity killed the cat...)
Since you have no info in your profile and your question is sort of ambiguous
Is the "caregiver" Mom and the care recipient your Dad? (And I am guessing mom is a step-mom is that correct?)
And if this is the case mom is no longer the caregiver and you have placed dad either in a facility or a sibling is caring for him.
Caregiver burnout is real.
If mom has had issues previously (I am using the term issues as a catch all for anger, stress, anxiety, or any mental health issue) Caregiving can just be like the house of cards tumbling, or the dominos that once one falls they all go.
"We" think that everyone expects us to do it all.
"We" think we don't need to ask for help.
"We" think we should not accept help.
When we realize that we can not do it all it is a blow to the ego and the psyche.
Has dad been open to having caregivers in to help out? Or has he fought the issue and only wanted mom or other family members to help?
One other thing to consider...mom may well be having cognitive problems herself. Now that she is not caring for dad she should have a full physical and I would message the doctor that she should at least have a "Mini Mental" exam done.
It does not sound to me like a hired aide, firing would have solved tge problem. I have a feeling its a family member and even with therapy, they should not ever be a caregiver. Stress may trigger the rage and Caregiving is stressful even if getting help. Your responsible for another person and making decisions for them. Their wellbeing supersedes yours. If the person is not easy to care for, more stress.
Let me welcome you to this Forum and Shalom Shabbat to you. It was the right decision to dismiss the caregiver. She needs professional help and should not be caring for anyone if she is suffering from rage. This sounds like extreme caregiver burnout to me and I would know because I had it.
I was a professional caregiver for 25 years mostly to the elderly in their homes. For several years I dealt with them hour after miserable hour all day long. Then came home to my elderly, abusive, instigating, passive/aggressive mother and her abusive neediness and mental illness.
I got to a point where I had blind rage so bad that I was almost driven to an act of desperation.
So I went into therapy. I still go. I found a good caregiver support group (this Forum) and learned other people's experiences and knew that I wasn't alone.
A good start for your caregiver suffering from rage is to put her onto this Forum. It can help her so much just to interact with other caregivers who get it. Then follow it with therapy.
I operate a homecare agency now. No more hands-on care for me and I will never care for another elderly person in any capacity. Not even companionship.
I still have 25 years of valuable experience that I share. Please put your former caregiver onto this group or even an in-person support group.
We need more information.
Tell us a bit about the person needing care first, and your relationship to him or her.
Then tell us about the person GIVING the care and his or her relationship to you.
It will help if you fill in the profile on your profile page as some of us go there when we don't have enough information in the question.
We may perhaps have some answers for you with more information. Meanwhile will wish you the best.
She. Is. Done.
I sure suspect you are correct, but I am wondering where you got extra info? I haven't seen even a profile by this new OP. Let me know what you know.
Who is the caregiver and age of her and the person she cared for. How is she related to you. Who is doing the caring now and what plans are in place for the person your caring for.
Could the Caregivers rages be from being a caregiver and they were burnt out? We really need more background.
Please tell us more.