Dad is 90, Mom is 88. Dad gave up driving gracefully a few years ago. My Mom has always been a good driver. On a local road, this guy sped thru the red light--bad crash--he was not injured, but my parents were. Mom with all over brusing and hairline frature in her pelvis. My Dad with 3 broken ribs, punctured lung and bruising. Beforet that, they were find and independent, living in their own home about 5 minutes away from me. Mom used a 4 wheeled walker, Dad used a cane..but they would be out there, weeding and gardening, going out to eat. Since the car accident, they have gone down hill. Dad was in the hospital for a week, then pushed him out to a nursing/rehab facitly. That was a place from hell. The reason being was their Part B Medicare coverage--an HMO. This place got my Dad so sick with improper care. I complained and complained. He ended up to the hospital again with impacted colon, bleeding from the rectum, A very bad UTI infection with high fever and blood clot in is lungs. After almost 2 weeks in ICU and hospital deemed well enough to be released. I did not want that awful rehab again and checked and found an excellent 5 star rated facitly--but no beds available. Only option was to send Dad home with in home care.
That was a BIG mistake. The in home care nurse came, took one look at my Dad and walked out as he should not be at home. I was there along with my Mom. She reported me to Elder Abuse ( the case was dimissed as unproven). That nurse has been reported. I hired on, at my own cost, Home Health Aides and our Primary Care doctor ( who was also shocked about the treatment and reported her too) ordered up another company than the hospital did. That nurse came out and did a great exam on my Dad and while she was there, I got the call a bed was open at the 5 star place so Dad was sent there--Not a happy camper. Since the accident, all he does is pray to die and go home to Jesus. for the most part. He has given up.
Mom was still at home. I kept up the home aid workers at 2 times a day--3 hours a day. Mom was sore, but mobile. She wanted to see my Dad everyday. I would take her or if I could not do to work, She would take a taxi or the Senior Citizens Shuttle Bus service ( but could only use the Shuttle Bus 2 times a week). Mom decided to stop the Home Heath Aides to 2 times a week, once a day. I could not change her mind at all. Well, I called her in the morning, Mom was fine and waiting for the Shuttle Bus. I called her when she should have been home, about 3pm, No answer, I waited 10 minutes, again no answer. I called her on her new cell phone that she was supposed to keep on her at all times--she did not want Life Alert or similar system--said she would not wear it. I rushed there from work and my worst nightmare came true--she had fallen in the bathroom--cut on her forehead, bruising, but thankfully, no broken bones. To the hospital for 2 days and I got Mom into the same nursing/rehab facility in the same room with Dad. That is where they have been since.
They treated and got rid of Dad's 4 bedsores. But things keep changing up there too. At first Dad would stay for long term care, Mom would need to go to Assisted Living. They place across the street is rated 4 stars. They would take Mom over everyday to visit with my Dad. Then they were trying to keep both Mom and Dad together with long term care. But that fell through as my Mom would not qualify. For some reason, when my Dad heard my Mom may be leaving, he perked up a bit and they restarted rehab on him again. They said he was been responding better and looks like they can both go to Assisted Living. I must add too, My Dad has always been very dependent on my Mom for years. He is very hard of hearing, tinnutis ( noisey head), macular degeneration. Burst or torn retinas. Guillane Barre that left after effects. My Mom was always the strong one. This place is over 1/2 hour drive away and I found a great Assisted Living only 10 minutes away. They are going down next week to assess. I have the POA and it has been difficult with their banks for approval. Also a car accident lawyer as the insurance co has not been willing to pay up and now and elder care lawyer to get them on Medicaid.

I am divorced for years, no children. I have a brother who lives about a 7 hour drive away. He has a wife and 3 children. He has been here 1 time since the car accident. Always busy with his job, then 2 childrens graduation. I understood that, but then a 10 day beach vacation and "could not get away" He says he trusts me as far as Mom and Dad's financials, he has spoken to the lawyers 1 or 2 times each. Good to know he trusts me, but just feels like he is taking no responsibility at all. I am breaking. I have used up all my time from work, on unpaid leave of absence now. It just all falls on me, even though I have a brother. I wish I never had the POA. Plus it is 2 parents, not just 1.

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I agree with Chicago, go to work and get some rest. Since you have taken a leave from work, how are you paying your bills? Are you allowed expenses as POA?
Would you want to go to an attorney and transfer your POA to your brother so he has to deal with all the legal matters? If it has only been 4 months and he is preaching at you this early in the game, I can only guess that you are not going to be able to count on him for the long term.
If he is 7 hours away with children (since two graduated, I am guessing these are not small children) how much can he feasibly do?
If you are not receiving emotional support from him, you may need to reconsider how much you need to update him on your parents progress/health conditions. As my mom used to say, "leave the ball in their court."
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My thoughts go out to you. What a mess. Tell me, what does your brother preach to you about? He isn't going to understand, because he isn't there. It is just too hard for anyone to believe that hasn't been through what you are going through.

You are not going to be able to visit your parents everyday. Tell them a schedule that is workable, for you. Then, tell your brother what he is responsible for - cleaning out the house? Dealing with the insurance for the accident? Turning off utilities, cable and phone at the house?

I am thinking that you actually need to go back to work, to get some rest. :)
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Oh, this is still from me..Missey. I guess my question is with how do I get thru this all? I want my parents settled into a good place and I have found them. Both my parents have dementia now..they did not before the care accident. My Dad is worse than my Mom. I go and visit almost everyday, take care of their home and their bills. I am so scared of going back to work and can I concentrate on my job. I have a few more calls to make regarding that this week. My parents could never live at home again, even if I quit work to care for them. I guess my question is--How do I talk to my brother and get him to step up to the plate more? When we talk, he tends to preach at me big time. I don't need preaching at me..I need love and care the ability to share my feelings without being preached at. Thank you
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