I love my parents but also need to get my life back. What can I do?

Wayne, I deeply feel for you. I wish I could give you a hug in person. I have had a couple of my stories posted. Regarding my dad being in hospital and my mom at home by herself and wheelchair bound. I travel 2 1/2 hours each way to care for my 94 year old mother who is the MOST stubborn and impossible person I have ever known. I am an only child and at times wish I had never been born. I work full time have my own home and family. My dad has been in the hospital for almost 2 months from a shoulder injury from a fall. I wanted my mother to go to respite while he's in hospital. She would be safe and good meals and a bath. But NO WAY she was not going to leave her home for any reason. Certainly not to make anything easier for anyone. She has 5 hours a day home support but at times that's not enough. I have been travelling attending to their needs for 21 years now. My mother is a controlling bully and treats home support better than me. If she goes and will eventually have to go to a nursing home, I'm afraid she will be kicked out because she is so demanding and difficult. If something happens to me... She's done..... I don't know when my dad will be coming home or if he is at all, he's 86. I am exhausted from stress and trying to be 3 people dealing with this hell I had nothing to do with. My dad prolongs his hospital stays because he knows what he's coming home to. She will be picking fights in no time when he returns home.

I miss work from stress related illnesses. More colds and just being worn out. I am expected to drop everything and drive to the city and babysit my mother when ever something arises. There are many times I just lose it and cry until I can't see. Just out of stress. I look at myself in the mirror and I see an aging old woman with lines on my face that weren't there a week or two ago. She's killing me. I quite often just want her to go to sleep and not wake up. I want my life back. I want to have some fun but I can't because the reality comes back. I drink more now than I ever have to escape my crappy life knowing I have this constant burden on my shoulders. My husband is great but he has no clue about old people. His mom is vibrant, healthy and travels a lot still even with poor eye sight and she's 74. Once my mother passes I will miss her, but not this. It will be freedom.

Even as a child it was her way or the highway. I'm fed up being someones personal doormat. Mother or not. Some people think Oh, how can you be so mean to your mother? I'm not being mean, just fed up because there is NO give and take. Her life could be a lot nicer but she just won't do anything to change anything. Last summer my husband and I were out on our boat and the cell phone rings. Sure enough another getaway ruined. Dad was taken to hospital for another ailment and she's alone again. I should have said "To Bad" go to respite. That's what it's for. But I gave in again and we headed home so I could care for her "again".
She's impossible, selfish etc. My friend says she's needs to stop being a pain in the
"ASS" and get real.

Hang in there. I'm trying.. we are all trying to cope with impossible situations because we feel that we have to no matter what. But we can say NO..... we need to more often. Our parents guilt us into many things that we should just say NO.....
Thanks,
Anksana

@ CandyK- I feel odd for appreciating some of the details you share but there is a catharsis when you find others who are struggling in similar fashion which is the main point of this site. I felt like the only person who is being manipulated by an 85 year old parent. For example, after taking care of my brother for 2 years in my home (he was a homeless drug addict who would have moved in with my parents after he got sick which would have been disastrous) prior to moving in with my folks for obvious reasons- mom is bed ridden from a 2000 stroke and dad not able to do anything anymore due to his heart and emphysema...
Well, one day I was sweeping the upstairs patio and he answered the phone in the adjacent family room, not knowing I was within earshot. He spoke to someone he had not talked with in a while based on the conversation I heard. He did the "poor me" thing for loosing a son and told person X that it was so hard caring for him (whom he was always angry towards) but when the subject turned to me his response to whatever question he was asked was , "oh Wayne? Well I have not heard from him in over a year". That broke my heart completely- I took care of his son for 2 years to spare him the daily chemo/Dr. appointments, fed him, cleaned up the horrible side effects of the treatment, lost a huge amount of business, broke into my retirement at age 46 in order to care for brother and NOW I am caring for parents and he spins his tales of woe. Another comment that came back to me was him telling a neighbor, shortly after I returned, that I lost my business in San Diego and had to move home due to finances . This more than anything hurtful he has done in my life was the single most devastating experience. Pride, especially in men, is a real and difficult thing to deal with.
I read someone's prior post about allowing oneself to be hurt....I totally disagree.
there are some scenarios in which the hurt and pain comes with the territory of a decision made out of true love and concern. Family care-giving is not like an abusive relationship or marriage where the option to walk away is real, though difficult. If I were to walk away from here my mother, who is totally unable to represent herself- can't walk, can't talk much, totally dependent- and who is the single greatest and most loving and generous person I have ever known in my life, would suffer neglect and indirect abuse. My Dad dropped her in 2004 (left her standing in the hallway!) ending up with her having to endure a hip replacement...she has been through enough and I am here primarily to make sure she is safe and protected. Not to mention making my dad feel like the alpha male he has always been.
Sorry to rant on you but I related to your story so much I just wanted you to understand, as I was understood when I first came to this site. It is not so kmuch the "misery loves company" theory but rather: you are NOT alone, you ARE doing the right thing, you will NOT regret this in the future and you WILL survive to find a life of authenticity again. You just have to take care of yourself in the meantime....and the times can be mean...
Best to you-

My last comment was to be directed at Anksana as well...feel for all who make good and loving decisions and reap the consequences of selfish and childish parents...one thing for sure is that those who I know who did take care of parents/relatives, even the nasty ones, did not regret doing so and found a sweet freedom and release when the time came...a collective "Hang In There" to us all !
The way I see it, the financial cost of our sacrifices is offset by the notion we did the hard, difficult and largely ignored work to make our family members more comfortable in their last years of life. And God please look on us kindly when our time comes...

Thanks.. Your an amazing person. Best of everything for you. You have done what you can and have been available when you where needed. I hope that in the future your efforts will be appreciated.
Enjoy your life... We only have one.....

I've been 2 yrs taking care of my mom almost full time. There is a day person that comes during the day but I take care of her nights and weekends. I've not regretted this decision. She has given so much for me it is the least I can do. At the time, I was going through some changes in my life and this just happened to work itself out this way.

That being said, I have, at times, felt stifled. Mom is a sundowner so if my brothers and sisters are here during the day, they don't get the full effect. Mom gets very agitated at night, often worrying where our 'guests' will sleep (no one in the house except me, mom and the dogs).

I have recently gotten a part time day job. it gets me out of the house as often as I want, I earn extra money and best of all, my mind is not on mom.

I feel extremely fortunate that most of my family lives nearby but it is sometimes difficult to ask them for some time off from care-taking.

Miserable? Not at all. Stifled? yes but working on it. Mom is 91, and I feel proud that I can do this service for her.

ok momizz, ill bite.
i think mothers see sons as capable . there has always been a stronger bond between my sons and my ex than between the boys and myself. hospice sees me as an utter abomination but mom would whup the whole damn bunch of them if they screwed with me.. in any relationship there are disagreements and arguements. that doesnt mean your mother is being mistreated by brother..

Inthestorm, you wrote, "She gets irritated if anyone stops over. My sister in law came to visit this weekend and I jumped up and grabbed my husband to go out for a bite to eat. Mom thought I arranged my sister in laws visit JUST so I could leave the house and she made me so miserable, I couldn't even eat when I got to the restaurant."

My heart goes out to you, and I also feel moved to gently remind you that if you HAD arranged for SIL just so you could leave the house, THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Mom has no sense that you have real human needs, let alone a little respite from her care. She does not even realize how much care she needs. You and SIL need to not feel such depths of guilt that Mom is cranky and demented. You are providing care she needs and no, she is not going to be grateful on a daily basis, if ever, because whatever judgement or empathy she ever had are fading with her cognition. It is hard to accept but Mom just can't be in the driver's seat or call all the shots. Though you can be considerate of her feelings and preferences to the extent reasonably possible, she should not have the power to make you guilty over having a little time for yourself and your hubby; she should not be allowed to make you miserable, and your emotions need to be your emotions, not what she thinks they should be.

That steady stream of negativism and the fatigue and stress of daily caregiving without a letup can really do a number on your perspective. But you have your brain working for you and can change your perspective. Mom...well...she won't ever understand that so much, and probably never did understand, really. It took me a long time to feel any level of comfort with the idea that I would have to just make some decisions for my mom and they would not necessarily be what she wanted, because a lot of what she wanted was never going to be possible...hugs.

It's hard to become a "me first" person when you've been a "everybody else first" person all your life, but it is important for caregivers to remember that if we get sick, our loved ones will be lost! We MUST take care of ourselves...just like on the airplane, "apply your oxygen mask before trying to help others"....I am trying hard to learn this, too. I was always trying to win my parents' approval so I followed the rules, did as I was told, and didn't make waves. Unfortunately, I have carried that into every aspect of my life...work, my spouse....and it's very difficult to teach this old dog new tricks! But I know I have to learn or we will both end up in a NH!

JMLouise - no you are NOT wrong for wanting to have a life. Sometimes I cry or get so angry and say I just want my life back like it was before Mom came here. Thankfully I have one sister who helps me out quite a bit even though she works full time and another sister who will help out once in a while but the main amount of care is on me. I am seeing a counselor, taking an anti-depressant and ask God often to help me and give me the strength to do this and with a much better attitude than I have a lot of the times. Mom and I had a turbulent relationship through the years and she is very good at making me feel guilty. She is 92 and her mind is sharp but she has severe arthritis in both knees and rotator cuff gone in her right shoulder so all she can really do is feed herself and get herself to the bathroom. She will not even consider going to a home even though it is wearing me and my sister out. We are tired, depressed, angry, resentful and guilt ridden much of the time. My husband wants to retire soon but not if she is still going to be here. I have put her ahead of him at times through the years but feel like it's not fair for her to expect to keep us tied down and then just the fact of not having our privacy with her here. She told me recently that this is just what family does and that God would not be pleased with people who put their parents in a home. She just expects us to do this and if pushed will start bringing up all the things she did for me in the past. I was so upset because if we are making lists of who did what for whom, mine would be much longer. So she would rather destroy our health and have us rearrange our lives to accommodate her even though she fussed about one time when my Grma stayed with us. The last year when my dad's health was declining she complained about having to do extra things for him but she cannot see what this is doing to us. I am 64 and just feel so bleak sometimes because this seems like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I love her and don't want her gone but I don't want her living with me. I hate the idea of putting her in a home especially when know the guilt trip she would lay on me so I keep putting it off and praying God will show me what to do. I am so thankful I have found this site because it helps to know I am not alone. But to anyone thinking about moving in with a parent or having the parent move in with them - my advice is DON'T. And if you move them closer that also will be your life because they will need more and more care and you will still be tied down.

MLH, your mom is wrong. Wrong to presume on your continued beneficence when you get nothing but abuse and more demands on you in return, and wrong to presume that good families never use outside help. I've learned on here that there are people who think facilities are places for people whose famlies don't love them, but it is abundantly clear this is absolutely wrong. God does not expect us to do the impossible, and the 11th commandment is not "Thou Shalt Not Avail Thyself of a Decent Skilled Care or Assisited Living Facility if Thou Needest One." There is a verse that says "As far as possible, be at peace with one another" and if one party makes that impossible then something needs to give. Your mom may have a right to your contact and concern, but not the right to destroy your health, home, and marriage with excessive demands. It is very possible that in addition to he physical ailments, she is developing enough cognitive issues that she can't see what is wrong with her logic, and she has either not had or is losing her capacity for empathy. "Sharp" is relative. There are families for whom living together or living closer works and works well. I did not take my mom into my home, but moving her closer so hubby, kids, and I could be more regularly involved was a great thing for us. BUT- If yours is not one of them, you need to take steps to end the nightmare. Mom could adjust and even thrive in a different setting than your home and you could become a welcome visitor and a daughter again in her life, instead of an overburdened and rightly resentful unpaid caregiver... and you could be a wife and homemaker again for your own family. The worst thing is that her QOL is not necessarily bettered by the fact that she is destroying yours.

I am in a similar situation-gave up job, home, friends, my life--to move in with Mom and take care of her. She lives in a very rural place 100 miles from my home. I have two brothers, but here in the Bible belt South daughters are expected to take care of the elderly. I have no help of any kind from them. They very rarely call and never visit. No one ever asks how I'm doing or if I need some help. It is expected that I will do this and be happy to do it. But what I want to address is this: I read these forums and almost never hear the money problem addressed. We complain about unhelpful families, society's expectations, weariness and fatigue, isolation, and loss of self. But I don't think we ever put blame where it belongs--on the Medicare/insurance systems. There is no alternative to what we are doing because most of us don't have enough money to create an alternative! My father was a career soldier, a veteran of three wars, so my mom has Tricare for Life insurance. What a blessing! But it does not pay for elder care of any sort. She receives a pension from the VA and the Defense Dept., but it is too much for her to qualify for Medicaid and too little for her to afford assisted living/nursing home care. I am able to leave occasionally, but even in this poor rural area, sitters require $100 per day. The amount is very little compared to some places, I know, but if I try to go home for a week, that's $700. Mom cannot afford that, and, since I had to quit my job to move in with her, I am barely hanging on financially myself. Furthermore, the IRS gives me not one single break for what I'm doing, not even gas expenses. I'm rambling now, but believe me, if the government would take care of our veterans like they should, I would be out of here! This is more than should be expected from any human being.

Two words... Assisted Living. Can't afford it? Then someone coming in daily to help them out. That's all there is to it. You love them, you can still love them. You do not have to be their caregiver to love them. They may not like it, but that's the way it is and has to be if you want any kind of life at all.

Life is hard at the best of times...and getting older is not the best of times I'm afraid. You have to think of your future, not theirs. That was their job and still is...

Dutiful: Does your mom qualify for Aid and Attendance? Find out from the VA.

If she "makes too much" for Medicaid, you see an Eldercare attorney to set up a Miller Trust, also known as a pooled income trust.

Start working on this TODAY.

I echo BarbBrooklyn's advice to go to an eldercare attorney.

I don't understand why it is okay for your two brothers to do nothing. They didn't have to quit their jobs. Why is it only you that is without value? What would have happened if you'd simply said NO. Was it their idea that you move in with your mother?