I love my parents but also need to get my life back. What can I do?

I completely get where you are coming from. I feel bad for wanting my life back and I am only in my early 30s. I suppose the guilt feelings are normal for people in a caregiving situation, especially when they become so isolated. A great therapist once told me that all feelings and emotions are valid no matter what they are (because they are yours). The point he was driving toward in the end was that what really matters is how you deal with all these emotions. (Probably one of the wisest things anybody has ever said to me.)

On the other hand, you need your family unit (children & grandchildren) to help with your mental state. Unfortunately, I don't have a large family, but the little one I have is everything to me. You need to go home for a break and enjoy them. Your parents should understand even if they don't want you to go (and even if they don't admit to understanding). I mean, they want you right up under them...not "strangers".

It is good that your sister is coming to help you face your parents with these decisions. If the two of you can come up with some ideas that you will support each other on, it will be easier to get your parents on board...I think. I have no siblings, only my mother. Mom is very docile and it leaves me to stand alone when it comes to facing my grandparents. I have to be more assertive than I like at times because I don't really have "back up". You and your sister can help strengthen each other in these situations.

As far as their care is concerned, it seems like they just want you to be close to you. They will probably really consider relocating to a place near you because of this. Of course, when it comes down to it, I sure it will be hard for them to actually leave their home (especially if they've been there for something like 50 years.) Be prepared for that and maybe be prepared to combat their resistance by telling them you understand their feelings. Sometimes simple validation of feelings goes a long way. Maybe even offer to make a scrapbook or something revolving around their home.

Since they can care for themselves, an apartment complex for the elderly might be great. Those are usually based on income and they will be able to make new friends if they choose. These types of complexes usually have a little community center and the greatly desired front porch for rocking chair visits. Remind them how nice it will be to have them so close and that they will even get to enjoy their grandchildren on occasion.

Ultimately, you probably need to be honest with them about your position. It may not even occur to them. Tell them you want to continue to enjoy their company, but you need their help by a compromise. They might not be aware of how long it has been since you've seen your family.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out.

Brooke was so absolutely correct. I have been living with my parents for almost 5 years now and would not suggest anyone do the same unless necessary...good luck

P.S. I regret not demanding my folks moved close to me as I left my home, my friends and relocated my business- essentially my life. I have not been able to re-build much of anything here except care for them. The feeling of being "cooped up", trapped and isolated may happen to you if you move to them. It is the single most difficult aspect of my decision- harder than caring for them actually. Be careful of making decisions based on guilt or sympathy because, as they say, you can't be a good care-giver if you do not take care of yourself. I really empathize with your position.

I found out just the other day that we are called the sandwich generation. Usually the ages in there 60's and have parents and grown children or siblings that we take care of, I tell you that so you know you are not alone. I just went through an issue like this, and quilt is on the top of the list. The one hint I can give you is you have to set your heart a little to the side, and think what is best for your parents. They are only going to get worse, and need more and more help, you are doing the right thing, you have to talk to them. Baby steps at first, then if they do not listen to you, then, you will have to do what is best for them. You are so lucky to have a sister on your side and not against you. My father gave me 100 reason;s why he did not want to move from his house, he was fine taking care of himself, he liked living in a big house, he fought me, he did not want to move in with old people, loved that one, at 87 he did not want to live with old people. My father now lives in an Assistant Living facility, and loves it. By the way, there are a lot of couples living at this facility, maybe you could find one near your or your sister's.

I feel like you do.But I do have one adult son who comes over every day to talk and help me.He is a Godsend.But I don't recommend this kind of life to anyone,unless they really know what they are getting in to.I was promised all this help from family and no one even comes by hardly at all.Its lonely,frustrating and sad.

I moved to my Mother's house. Her significant was living there and my alcoholic brother. I have been here for five months. My Mom's companion passed within two months of my being here after a long illness. They cared for each other until he made stages into an assisted living facility then to a hospital where he passed. There was abuse in the house from the start, from my Mom's significant and my brother. My Mom's significant was also a classic hoarder, the house was filthy everywhere you looked. The hoarding in the house and outside the property is gone. The house is clean. The abuse continues from my brother. I realized last weekend I am in the cycle of abuse. I saw within myself why people do not leave. That day I made a decision to make different decisions. I am leaving. I spoke to my brother and sister who live out of state to let them know and that we need another plan. This week I am going to research home health care providers for my Mom. My Mom is still driving in the day time. She can't hear on the phone and needs help with cleaning.
She has long and short term memory loss and dementia. Yet she is still in controll of her faculties. She writes her checks and pays her bills so far. The abuse is escalating. It's not physical abuse. It's the subtle abuse of triggers, degradation domination. An ugly phenomenon where my brother triggers my Mom and she follows his lead in the abuse. I am the target. As for my Mom, I am aware it is due to her own childhood abuse. It is the Maternal / Paternal cycle of abuse. Before I came here I called adult protective agencies but they could not do anything unless my Mom invited them in. She would not. This has been on going. My Mother does not want my brother to leave. He works, pays no rent, and has all the attributes of entitlement. My Mom washes and irons his clothes and takes care of him. My Mom is patriarchal. She only listen's to men. Please comment.

I really think being honest about your own feelings about what is best for ALL of you is important. When our elderly parents care becomes so overwhelming, they need to be told when it is too much for their children to do and they need to be willing to make a move that is best for ALL. It can no longer be "what they want" as they lose independence. They may not even be able to consider a son or daughter's needs, too, so sometimes they need to be "strongly encouraged" to do what is the best for everyone. My 91 yr. old mother-in-law insists on living in her own home, yet she is a fall risk, has had a stroke, etc. At what point should her children say: Mom, we have our lives to consider, too. In her case, she can afford an assisted living senior apt. where she could have meals and activities with others her age. Why not relieve all of us and move? Siblings need to communicate with each other and then carefully and lovingly tell Mom or Dad that it is time to move where they are safe and cared for. It is not wrong to consider yourself and your life! It truly is the sandwich generation and it is not selfish to assess the other side of the "sandwich", which is children and grandchildren.

JMLouise, you cannot give up your life, especially when you still need to work and have a family of your own who also need you. Our elderly parents need to start figuring things out as they age and when they can no longer do for themselves. Your parents are not bedridden, have no life-threatening illnesses, are not in-firm in mind, and are self-sufficient for the most part. Let them know that if that were the case, you would come and help out more. So, you and your sister are doing the right thing. Listen, there are people who have no one to help them and must rely on paid help or agencies to fill the gaps. It doesn't cost an arm and a leg to have someone come in to help occasionally. Ask around and call your council on aging about people who can come to the home and help with errands, shop for them, take them to appointments, etc.

Your parents have each other and have for many years. They know how to manipulate, and they know how to make you feel guilty. However, you need to point out that they are quite capable of caring for themselves. Elderly people get bored easily, dependent, and now they cannot up and go as much as they used to. What were they doing at age 63? Did they care for their elderly parents in their home? Did they work? Or maybe their parents lived close by.

You have done enough. Go back home, and trust me when I say they will decide what to do on their own. You are not abandoning them for heavens sake! You must put your foot down before this situation consumes your life and resources.....and you end up all alone with no one to help you when the time comes. Take care of yourself first.

We helped my parents get over the idea of a "stranger" by calling an agency that our hospital social worker recommended. They LOVE the two people who come in for 2 hours per day. Your parents may be happier staying in their own home than moving, as when elderly are uprooted from familiar settings, they sometimes digress, and you'd have even more responsibility on your hands. Then again, you wouldn't have the 5 hour travel time, so good luck with this option for them. You do have a right to live your own life, and to give them these options. Most importantly, do tell them you will be there to watch the people who come in and pick and chose which ones you all have a good feeling about. Also, perhaps you can go to senior centers in the community and network there, about who enjoys elderly people and perhaps you can hire a volunteer there to come into their home. Just a few thoughts, my heart goes out to you. Been there, done that.

Momizz, you are doing the right thing. Look up Louise Hay on the internet. No one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Consider trying Al- Anon. You'll find good ideas there to not feel guilty taking care of yourself and leaving this cycle of abuse so that you can stop it in your life, and move to a healthier place. Hugs

It is understandable the elderly are resistant to change, but to expect their adult children to alter their lives completely to meet their needs is unfair and selfish. Elderly parents must be willing to compromise with their children when it comes to their living situation as the need for care progresses. My mother refuses to consider any alternatives for her future care. She assumes she will continue living independently, as is, until she dies. I live an hours drive and cannot attend to her needs on a daily basis. I have tried to discuss future alternative living arrangements, but she just tunes me out. Her reliance on me is too much at such a distance. She also refuses to hire outside help to do housekeeping, laundry and shopping. Nor does she utilize free transportation provided in her town to take her to doctor's appointments. Her major health issue is COPD which limits her mobility, but she has allowed it to make her act like an invalid. I have limited myself to her needs and visit every other week. She continues to live in her world of denial and lives day by day as if her situation will never change. Dreading the day when her illusionary life shatters and I am forced to pick up the pieces.

JMLouise: I like beautifulsc's answer. It WILL ONLY GET WORSE. Mom lives with me and some of the time with my retired sister (I work full-time). My biggest regret is not having this talk with mom prior to stroke/dementia. I wake up and tip toe around my house just begging for a few minutes to start MY day (work from home). I am being taken advantage of because I work from home and because of GUILT (my doing). My life is miserable. My family is disrupted. My mom does not think she is a bother. She cannot even locate the bathroom a few feet away. But I don't want this to be about me...I just think you need to deal with this before real misery sets in because if something happens to one of them, you could end up with my situation. Deal with it now while they still have each other so when one goes, the arrangment of living in an apartment complex or having agency help is already in place. You are already feeling trapped and miserable, and none of this is going to get better. No one is going to win in this situation.

Why is this happening to so many of us? Because no one made a plan or they did not stick to their plan OR better yet, they did not think it would happen to them. I never thought about dementia the way I should have. Same old story. I did not think this would happen to me. I love my mom but I hate what this has done to my life.

My memories of mom will be misery and guilt for being miserable when she is gone.

She is awake now. I hear her. I will walk into her room and she will ask me if I am her sister (that is usually first) and then she will come around and remember she is my mom...but she doesn't know what "mom" means anymore because if she did, she would feel sorry for me. She would want to help me. She would want me to be happy.

I think the real answer here is if your parents are still able, sit down and have serious conversation about their future. You may have to do this time and time again...even write it down so they can read over these thoughts on their own. My parents thought they would live forever. Get your own house in order as well.

Dad died suddenly (which I know in my heart is a real blessing) 25 years ago and Mother still thinks her doctors can find a pill to reverse all the effects of aging. Even after all the hassle of probate, etc. Mother still just says "do what you all think is best". That includes do not disrupt her life and forget anyone else needing to have their own life.

The sad thing is, I know my Mother would have never done what we did 24/7 for two years and what my Sister is now doing. The idea of someone moving into her home and needed 24/7 care would have sent her running in the other direction. It was always what Mother wanted and the rest of us just fell in step.

I wish everyone the best! God bless you for what you are doing.

My sister and I removed our Mom from her home about 2 years ago after she forgot to pay her bills for 3 months and took her car in to be serviced and was taken advantaged of with a very large bill.We shared her care with her going back and forth til my sister came down with cancer.Now I am her only care giver.She can barely walk around to get from her room to the bath room and I have to help her with bathing and dressing and tell her to brush her teeth and brush her hair.Her mind is almost gone. All she cares about doing is watching old movies and reading the news aper, even though she cant tell you what she is watching or reading.She is 86 years old and doesnt have any other health problems
I on the other hand have aurtheritus and have had 3 complete knee operations, have diabetic and a bunch of health problems.I have decided I am going to try taking her to an adult daycare next week while I do my by weekly shopping.It will be worth the fourty dollars it will cost.I hope she enjoys it, They lay bingo and she always loved to go play bingo.

JMLouise - I think the answers here make total sense and should give you some good tips and ideas to hopefully remedy your situation. All I can do is echo the most important thing said: DON'T FEEL GUILTY! Go ahead and live your life and let your parents know that of course you care about them and will help them "as much as you possible" and as necessary, but that you cannot stop living your life to live with them. Best of luck to you! Nancy

My mom would have never taken care of anyone either. She didn't and she would have told you that my father would never have allowed it, which is true. But I still believe she would have never done it. When dad became ill, she looked at me and said, "I can't take care of him," and he died in a nursing facility. Her mom died when she was young and my father's parents and their parents all went to a nursing home. All of my grandparents passed away in a nursing home. The dementia makes my mom believe she is not a problem and yes, I bathe her, comb her hair, dress her, make her wash her face, brush her teeth, give her all of her pills, all of her meals, and she just sits in a chair and watches TV. She manipulates me by saying, "I can do this on my own, you know," but she won't because she can't. Every time it is bath time she says, "I just had a bath yesterday."

She gets irritated if anyone stops over. My sister in law came to visit this weekend and I jumped up and grabbed my husband to go out for a bite to eat. Mom thought I arranged my sister in laws visit JUST so I could leave the house and she made me so miserable, I couldn't even eat when I got to the restaurant. She insul;ted my sister in law because all she could think about was that I hired a baby sitter and she does not need a baby sitter EVEN THOUGH she cannot find the bathroom a couple of feet away. That is how controlling she has become. If I even tried to bring someone in to help me, she would make my life so miserable, it is not worth it. She just sits and calls all of the shots. The more I write this, the more I realize how NUTS this has become.

I have had her for almost 3 months now, and when I talked to my sister, she claims she can only do a month. It is true. A month is more than enough time without a break.

The denial that comes from dementia is so irritating...you stand in front of her and think she is doing this on purpose. Is she? Isn't she? "What the hell," is all I can say sometimes. If I agree with her, she says I don't believe her. If I argue with her, she says I don't believe her. She hates women. She never had friends from what I can remember. If I bring in someone to help me, what are the chances I can find a man and then I do not think that is going to work out either. I am the only person she wants to take care of her. I AM IT. She has manipulated me to no end. I would love to find someone like me to take care of me.

Don't have them move closer to you. My parents did that at it was the worst 3 years in all our lives. They ended up moving back - my mother told me she wanted to drive home and not be sent home in a box. At that point they really could not care for themselves - my father had dementia and my mother was blind from macular degeneration. A normal 12 hour/2 day drive took them 3 days - they got lost, I had to call onstar - it was horrible but it was what they (I guess manily my mother wanted). They ended up having to get 24/7 help after about a year back home. I stayed out of it - would call once in a while - I did what I could while they were here but I am/was not responsible for their happiness. BUT then my dad fell, the fall made the demenita much worse and my sister decided to be the hero and bring them back up here. My dad lasted about 1 month and now my mother is back here, 24/7 help and hates it - tells me everytime I see and call her. My sister is barely around - she is the type to jump on the white horse then disapear when things get ugly. I now have power of attorney but would do anything to ship my mother back home and be done with her - it sounds awful but she is miserable, makes me miserable, she has no quality of life - she does nothing, has no friends and I am the only person who visits her. The guilt of all this is killing me. Well I doubt this helped you but good luck. I sorry I turned it all into me -

I have just moved my parents to an assisted living facility near my home. I was traveling 1 hr round trip through heavy traffic to see them daily and assist with laundry, cleaning, bills, etc. etc. They are still grieving over leaving their home of 50 years but can acknowledge how nice it is that I can see them sometimes twice a day and really visit rather than do chores - and I am home in 5 minutes!!! It sounds as if you parents may need social outlets as much or more than they need a caregiver at this point in their lives. You should begin exploring options - many will allow small pets. And if your father was a vet there may be some financial assistance available. Carefully explore the cost of in-home help coupled with the expenses of maintaining their home and then compare with the monthly cost of an independent/assisted living program - you may be pleasantly surprised. Be sure to carefully look at the "residents" and social programs available as well as the facility to make sure it is a good fit. My dad can walk out the back door with his fishing pole - something he hasn't done in years. Many are a mix of independent/assisted living and have options for purchasing just 1 up to all three meals/day. My parents apartment looks almost like my 26 year old son's apartment with the addition of grab bars, a raised toilet, walk-in shower, etc. You would want to make sure there is a good mix of residents and a good social program. My parents have their car in the lot and can leave any time. They can also choose to take the free transport for shopping, church, or local doc trips. They have their own furniture and pictures on the wall and their bird feeders right outside the window! And, most importantly - I can sleep at night and enjoy my time with them in their last years. I cannot say enough good about the move to assisted living but know that it will not be- an easy sell to your parents. You need to look toward the future - while none of us like to admit it, when our parents begin to age their needs for assistance will increase with time. It may be better to make the move now while they may be a bit more resilient. If none of your sibs are local, they may appreciate your wanting them to be closer so you all can enjoy more quality time together. In the end you have to make the right decision for your parents AND you. As my mother's doctor reminded me - when you were young your parents had to tell you no when it was for your own good. You may have gotten angry and been resistive but you still love them today. It is now time for your to make decisions that are for your parents' own good. They may become angry and resistive, but they will still love you tomorrow. Good luck.

I totally feel for you. I am in the same situation. I have a 2 1/2 hour plus drive both directions to my folks home to take care of all their needs. My dad is in the hospital and has been for 2 months now with a fractured shoulder from a fall. My mother refuses to go to respite no matter how much work it is or how much time it takes. I have been travelling back and forth for over 20 years now and I've had enough of them constantly relying on ME to fix all their problems. I work a full time job, have my own home to take care of and my husband. I wanted them to consider moving into assisted living only 15 minutes from where I am but NO WAY!!!!!! They are not moving for any reason. My mother is in a wheelchair and alone at the moment. The last time this happened was in 2010 when dad was in the hospital for 4 1/2 months. I took 5 months off work at was told that I would no longer have a job if I didn't return to work. He has been hospitalized 4 times since then and I am forced to leave my mom in the hands of care aids to fix her meals and what not. My mother is VERY DIFFICULT to deal with. She is a 94 year old spoiled brat. She expects me to be there for everything that happens but will not go to respite. I am 58 years old tired and fed up. I am an only child. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wasn't in the door at home for less than 4 minutes until another fiasco... The kitchen sink is plugged up. It was fine when I left 3 hours ago but now it's plugged. Suspected that a careless home worker has dropped something down the drain and will require a plumber to fix it. Because of stupidity another plumbing bill. What next?????? I can't take anymore extended time off for months on end or I'll be in the unemployment line. I was told at work to make other arrangements for their care because there are other options.

Contact you local agency on aging and ask for resources for help with everything. don't let any stone unturned. There is help out there, but you have to seek it out and take advantage of it. Elderly parents probably worked very hard to have the home they are in along with all the personal things that are there. This is their comfort zone and their life-long goal. Asking them to give it up is hard, but necessary for everyone's health and safety. Elderly parents, as well as spouses who are ill, might be very good at making us feel guilty. However, I don't believe they MEAN to do this...it might be how we interpret it or how we react. Try a support group, too. You will learn a lot just listening to others. There are so many resources out there and it takes a lot of time to sort through it all, but if you want to maintain your own health and sanity and your parents', you need to do this. Good luck and God bless!

Several months ago I was going to willingly give up everything I have to move 3 hours away to take care of my father and step-mother. My dad had been crying on the phone and in person when I went to visit. . .he said he didn't even know what to cook anymore and that my step-mother's care was just too much for him. After talking to my siblings (one said to go and the other said not to go), I started packing and making arrangements to live within a block from them. By the grace of God, my father got into a snit. . .said he didn't want anyone in his house or his kitchen or helping him with anything! Now, this is after talking to him in great lengths about my move - which, at the time, he was so grateful for! I unpacked, stayed put, then went to the senior facility where they live and had a heart-to-heart talk with the administrator. They would have to step in themselves - but eventually found out they are only there to provide what my dad is willing to accept. They have assisted living (which he rejects) and so. . .the two of them sit without participating in any senior activities or going to the gym, which is five doors down from their apartment, and eat a diet that only contributes to their health problems. I say - God, thank you for your devine intervention!!! I would have tried to make things better for my dad and had a miserable life in doing so. If parents are enjoying life, their surroundings, and can accept your help - wonderful, but if you are feeling "taken" and there is nothing in return in the way of happiness or gratitude. . .stay put, go on with your life and figure out a way for someone to come in to clean or be a monitor of their well being. . . I am in my mid 60's and - what time I have left on this earth - I want to keep myself positive and healthy and in a frame of mind that will not let me get into the place that my father has chosen to be! Good luck. . .look forward to reading more about what you are proceeding with and ideas that others have. I say pray a lot!!!

It is very important to be absolutely sure that giving up everything to care for an elderly parent (or aunt/uncle, grandparent, sibling) is the right thing to do for you and for them. Unfortunately, you cannot rely on what the needy person is telling you because (1) they may be playing on your emotions or (2) they may not even know what they are telling you five minutes later. If you can't personally observe what is going on, you need to rely on a professional who can assess the situation objectively. I know that isn't always easy, but it will be for the best in the long run. My husband is going through all kinds of tests and evaluations by professionals right now so we can determine exactly what the problem is and the best course of action. He is not always cooperative, denies he has any problems, and thinks all is right with the world...it's frustrating for me, but I am just praying and hoping that all of this will lead to some help for both of us...because I am not coping well with all that has happened in the last 2 months. It is taking a toll on my physical and mental health, and I can't afford that. I am only 61; my husband is 78 and I need to get things back in order so I can get a job, get health insurance and try to have some semblance of a normal life without worrying what is happening at home with my husband. When we decided to move back here to FL, I had planned on working ASAP. I was not able to find a job, and now it's a blessing that I didn't because I would have had to quit to deal with what is going on. But I need to look to the future, too, because we can't afford for me to stay at home indefinitely. Our "emergency fund" continues to dwindle with no source of replenishment. Until I can get my husband stabilized, get some care...whether in home or in a facility...I am trapped in a situation that is out of my control. We all need help, and I am trying the best I can to get whatever help I can for both of us! I pray a lot, for sure!

This is such a difficult conversation to have with our parents. You are not bad because you need (not want) to take care of your own responsiblities and livelyhood. After all, after they are gone, how easy will it be to resume your life if you give up everything now. It also sounds like you could mention the safety issue as another reason that they need to be near you or have in-home care. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who walks with a walker is a fall risk. There is a reason they are both ambulating with walkers and that is a safety issue. This in itself is reason for them to make changes. This is an issue that can't be approached in a wishy-washy manner. You probably should give them the options that you mentioned and stick to you & your sisters observations and decisions that a change has to occur. If you let them make the ultimate decision of where they want to be, things will be easier for all. This might not happen in one sit down with them. It is good that your sister will be around for awhile to give you support. Hopefully when you present your case, they will have time to discuss it between themselves. Then it might be good to let them know that you & sister will come back on a certain day to talk about this further. Also, they should understand that at that time they need to have an idea about there future so you four can discuss it. Please don't take this as harshness. You know it is time for adjustments andt truthfully, they probably do also. It is an elephant in the room and it just needs to be addressed lovingly and compassionately. This is the last thing any of us want to have to bring up to our parents, as much as we love them. However, remind them how much it would help you. That could add another layer to their thinking about future. I pray that all goes well with a positive outcome for you all.

I also mention home health agency, which you can initiate through their Dr. I am assuming that they are mostly homebound. The agency can do an eval and add support to you & sister's eval. Talk with their Dr.s office and find out what help you could get from an agency to support you. Many insurances pay for that kind of care, also.

I truly understand you, I'm in the same position now. I don't regret taking care of my mom but I regret not thinking of myself first. I gave up my job, moved 3,000 miles away from my 2 adult children and grandchildren. I am 59 years old and my life is done. No one will hire a woman of my age and I really have no friends here in Washington state and the few I have met I cant go out with them, Honestly I don't want to go out anymore. I miss my family so much but I cant afford to get a plane ticket for me and my mom and if I go visit my kids I want that to be my break! You know what is bad, I have 2 sisters that have not tried to help me, or cant be sure if I fly back to east coast mom can stay with them while I take this little break. So I guess I didn't help you, just compared my situation to yours. I have no husband, fiancé or boyfriend and will probably never will have one but I love my mom and hope God is really watching over me. Good Luck and my heart goes out to every caregiver on this site.

Denise55...don't despair. Call the Alzheimer's Association help line, call the local agency on aging, research on line...there are ways to get help, but it takes a lot of time and effort and perseverance. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and courage, patience and hope.

JMLouise, I think it is important for you to understand that you need a life in order to help a life (your parents). To tell them that you are moving them close to you is not out of line. When my father died, my mother lived in Florida and it was understood she would have to make a life adjustment - just as I did when she came to live with me.

I think when it comes to taking care of the elderly - we ALL (including them) need to make compromises. In the "old days" elderly parents moved in with one of their children ... it makes sense! Good Luck!

we completely understand what you are going through, and bless you for the things you do, however you deserve to enjoy life, that is what my wife and i have decided to do, is to pull away slowly and start enjoying our own family and our marriage, which has suffered greatly for the last 10 years

It is very difficult not to feel guilty, but remember, you are dealing with someone who is like a child. We have to set boundaries, make and enforce the rules with our children. Now that parents or a spouse or some other elderly loved one has become the child, we have to treat them the same way. Trying to draw the line between being the parent and taking away the elderly's dignity if often a fine line. Sometime my husband is childlike, sometimes he is a very stubborn adult. It's hard to know which one will come out when I need him to do something...take a shower, take his pills, get ready to go somewhere. It isn't easy, and I find myself biting my tongue more often than not. Remember, too, that you can't be a good caregiver if you are not taking care of yourself. Your health...mental and physical...are important. As they tell you on the airplane, put your mask on first, then help others. As hard as it sounds and as hard as it is to do, we must do this so we can help our loved ones.

Wayne2848 I so agree with you & I am in a situation much like yours but for longer. In 2002 I quit a job I loved in a state I love to move back because my father said "he needed me". A few weeks after I moved to this state that I hate and always have...he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I took him to all his appts, etc while my mother did her "poor me" routine. He's now cancer free for 5 years. In the time I've lived here it's been one thing after the next. Now, I am burnt out, broke and deeply in debt. I am isolated, miserable and angry. To top it off my parents are ok and they have convined themselves that I begged them to move back here because I hated my job and my life in CA. They really think they are helping me and daily they suck the live out of me. My mother is a hoarder and extremely narsisstic.

I feel that I've throw away some so many years of my life because I allowed them to guilt me into coming back here. The depression I feel is intense.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give up your life or income for your parents! You will lose yourself in the process and it's just not worth it. Joke is now my parents resent me and I'm stuck........absolutely stuck.

Truth is, our parents lived their lives their way and if they need our help, it has to be on our terms so we can continue to live our lives.

Oh my gosh, I am stunned that there are so many people on this site that have given up everything and are in the same boat as I am. I only wish I would have researched before making the decision. I also pray alot and the next time God sends me a boat...I'm jumping in and sailing away.