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I was planning on visiting with my sister who lives three hours away in November, for a weekend. We planned to go see a play, hang out, etc. Last night she told me she invited dad to the play and has purchased the tickets! I told her I was looking forward to some time away from the house by myself and that it bugged me. So now I feel bad, dad is rearing to go and husband says I need to get my feelings under control about caregiving and that its not forever. Been doing this for over a year full time, am I wrong to ask for a couple of days away??

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You are not caving.....I would go with it, but I would tell sis to plan on having dad for a week, in the near future, even if that means she needs to take vacation from work, so you can get some me time.
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She has planned your time before???????????

Oh my, you do have a problem!

I am glad you did what you did that time, You were quite right to tell sis she had to pick him up as she made the plans - BUT - apparently she has not got the message yet.

Dear one, this cannot continue, or, if it does sis must experience the consequences of her choices each time.

Do you sense a lot of indignation and support here? I do. Perseverance suggested having a heart to heart with your sis. I think that is a good idea. Tell her you MUST be consulted, or, if she makes plans for you and dad again, she will be responsible for dad herself in all aspects of the plan, and you will make other plans for yourself. I agree that she can arrange transportation for dad this time too. Arranging your time like this is inconsiderate and frankly, it is manipulation, Yes, dad desires family time, but it has to work for you too. He will get over it. She could come and visit you and him for family time or whatever works for you.

Obviously, you have to keep setting boundaries with her for you own protection. I am a little shocked at her behaviour, but then, I have a sis who tries things too without consulting me, so I shouldn't be. I refuse to be drawn into that stuff. Either come out with your proposed plans to me straight, so we can discuss it before anything is arranged, or forget it.

Let us know how it works out. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and keep sticking up for you!

58 - we were posting at the same time. This is what I wrote before you posted. I stand by it.
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Well, the last time, I set it straight and had her pick him up and bring him back, I did not go. If I don't go, I'll have hell to pay on the ride home and for many days thereafter. My dad thinks we are the Father Knows Best Family, the perfect 1950's family. My two brothers and this sister have told him "none of your business" a few times when he pries too far into their lives. I had to set boundaries here, as he wants to be in charge and is "always right." I think my sister was about to cry last night, she/they do not understand. And on top of it, we were all together in June for my birthday and I told them all how I felt. "Can you please take him for a weekend at least??" Oh boy, everyone was quick with reasons why they couldn't, some so ridiculous such as taking a pet to the vet, I might have friends coming over, and (this is classic,) "Our weekends are for family." DUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! Yes I will probably do this because I don't want to deal with the fallout. It would be mentally worse than not going, BUT, I am going to make room for myself, and have a heart to heart with big sister. Do you guys think I am caving?
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So ...are you saying since it happened before you will go along with it this time, so not to disappoint your Dad?
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58, I agree leave dad there and go someplace for time for yourself. A spa thing sounds good. Personally I'd go to a dude ranch, ride horses and do the spa thing there.
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Wow you guys, thanks so much for the support! My siblings went AWOL when dad moved here. The funny part is, this sister is the only one I can half ways count on. In the last year, she took him for one week so we could go on a camping trip with our friends. She apologized to me for being the "Disneyland sister" because she ran him all around everyday (which is exactly what dad wants.) But, she sent him home with clean clothes so I wouldn't have to worry (?) I think my husband said it best, no one understands because they get to go home! I get along fine with my sister, but the last time something similar happened, I turned it around. Her son was a basketball game about an hour away and she invited dad and told him I would bring him, no consultation. So, I said, "Since you invited him, I think it is fair that you pick him up and bring him home." She finally did, I think my brother in law was bugged at the inconvenience and dad was bothered because I didn't "spend family time." I went to the forum this morning to get it off my chest and I feel now that I did the right thing, YOU ALL are my saving grace, this group of friends is the best thing that has come my way. Thank you all for the hugs, support and strength behind the honest words. : )
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GREAT idea!!!! Drop Dad at Sis's and go somewhere ELSE (what about a spa or even just a hotel at least 50 miles away!)!!!!!! HAVE FUN!!!! Treat yourself, even if it's just mani/pedi's or ice cream sundaes!
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Oh she is so using you! The way I see it is, your sister figures she have Dad visit too, but with the convience of you being around to take care of him. I would soo make my own plans. Drop him off st sister's if you must, but get back in the car and keep driving.
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Gosh, that wasn't fair, was it? I would be inclined to draw a line in the sand here, drop dad off at sis's, and have some time to yourself. I gather sis told dad that she had done this about the same time she informed you. I see that as sabotaging your break. Maybe it makes her feel good about spending some time with dad when she has no responsibility for him, but that is not fair on you. You could tell sis that having a break from caregiving is more important you than seeing the play with her and dad, if that is the case. I would be so browned off at sis that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the weekend at all. Is the idea for dad to stay there the whole weekend?

Of course, it is not wrong to want a couple of days off to yourself. Sis made a one-sided decision to include dad without considering your feelings. Let her live with the consequences. Surely she must have some idea that you need a break. Does she help with dad at all, or have there been some tensions between you in that area?

I am afraid I disagree with your husband. If he tried caregiving for a year without a break, I think his response would be different. I wonder if he does not want the job of caring for dad when you are away – or do you have some other arrangement for dad’s care when you are away?

My dear, you don’t have much family support do you? ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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By the way, your sister can arrange the transportation of your father, since she was the one who bought a ticket without consulting you.

I'd have a heart to heart with your sister. Tell her you love her, but you are VERY disappointed that she invited dad without consulting you. You are desperate for a break (by the way, why has she not offered to give you any reprieve???) from caregiving and, as such, relish the time she will have with dad while you are able to get some needed rest and pampering.

Let your sister a tiny, itsy bitsy experience of caregiving that you have had to handle the past year. In fact, add on additional days for a more comprehensive experience.

If you can't tell I am bothered by what she did. It pushed buttons with me as my siblings pulled similar experiences. Painful.
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Your sister is really not interested in serving you, is she? How convenient that she'd buy a ticket for your father the same weekend you planned to visit her. Cancel your plans, send dad, and go on a trip with girlfriends who REALLY care about your needs.
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Take dad out to see your sister and just keep on traveling somewhere nearby for a respite for yourself! You deserve it and maybe if she is caring for him by herself for a few days she might gain some valuable insight!
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Since your sister has already invited your dad, it would be hard to have him "uninvited" now. Perhaps you and your dad could go on the trip, then you could plan an entirely new trip for yourself, for some time alone, at a later date. You are not wrong for wanting some time to get away for a couple of days. I have even gotten "recharged" staying at a local hotel for a night. Although I am not married, I would guess that husbands sometimes don't understand the role of caregiving, as to how emotionally and physically draining it can be.
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58yroldchild .. you are not wrong at all for wanting some time away. Your sister is very selfish and inconsiderate for inviting your dad along to the play without even consulting you first, especially considering you are with him all the time. If it were me in this situation I would say to my sister and my dad that I think the two of them should spend some time together alone and that you have made other arrangements for yourself and you won't be attending the play. You can still have a couple of days away, just make different plans without your sister !
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