How do I tell mom that I'm not willing to take care of her like this?

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My mom is in her 70's and has always had a very dependent personality. Recently she is in a wheelchair and the care has fallen to me. It seems like I have always been the one to do all of the caregiving in my family, even when I lived several hours away and my other sibling lived just 20 minutes away, I was the one who came down and took care of my parents when they needed it. Now that mom is alone, she expects the same thing but to be honest I have had enough of it. She does not appreciate it and lately makes snide comments about even more things I should be doing for her. I have a demanding job, a life of my own, and I am exhausted. I know this shouldn't matter, but my sibling does nothing for her and did nothing for dad, yet is the favoried one and has a copy of her will which she denies me. It is not that I'm looking for something monetarily, I just feel really used. She has set up a situation where I have to 'earn' her love, yet my sibling just has to exist and that's enough. I hate how this feels. How do I tell her that I'm not willing to take care of her like this?

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In reading the lead question and the answers that followed, your situations seems to have put each of you in an awkward position which makes you feel unappreciated. Maybe it's time to step back and bring in a neutral party to care for your parent(s). This way instead of investing time and effort in caring for your parent(s), you can all have equal shares in the cost of caring for your parent(s). This will also allow you to spend quality time with your parent(s) rather than feeling discontent with the situation.
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Thank you..these answers are very helpful. I agree that leaving my sibling out of it is probably best, as I've tried to address the issue before but it is ignored. I've been to therapy over this issue and I know I just need to find the strength to set limits and manage the guilt I feel when I do that. It is so great to hear positive support for these choices and also read other similar stories! Before finding this site I felt very alone in this.
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When you talk to your mother, leave your brother out of it. Speak for yourself. "I'm going to cut back on what I can do for you, for the sake of my own health. From now on, here is what I can do each week ..." Be firm but not accusatory or angry. Repeat as many times as necessary the basic message.

Telling her will be hard. Enforcing it will be harder. If you have offered to do x, y, and z, be prepared for what you will say when she calls and demands that you do a, b, and c. Basically the answer is "No."
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Hi caregiver, do you get along with your sibling? I mean enough to share your feelings? I have a feeling the answer is no but just thought I would ask. I would go from that angle first if possible.
I think you need to make a decision. You can decide not to let Mom bully you and accept that you may be left out of the will( and I know it is not about the money but hurt feelings) or you can play Mom's game. There is a chance that your Mom will come around and , if not be happy, at least be content with what you can give to her -and like equillot said- spell it out for her. But there is the chance that she will play hard ball and expel you from her life. In which case your darling sibling will have the joy of taking care of Mom solo. Maybe if sib has to do this for a bit he/she will help your Mom make the decision to include you in her life as much as you spelled out for her. That would be a nice resolution. I would hope that if your Mom tries to tell you it is all or nothing and you choose nothing she would come back after awhile and seek you out and take what you can give her. But I think you need to prepare yourself that she may not. Good luck.
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Excellent advice from equillot. It is a challenge dealing with a dependent personality, especially when there is depression. There is not enough you can do to make them content. There are so many other options out there -- hiring people to take care of the house and yard, hiring a nurse to tend to wellness checks and medications.

I wondered why your mother is in a wheelchair. I read that she has depression. Are there other problems that get in the way of her being mobile?
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equillot's advice is point on. I was in a similiar situation like you. It took a total emotional melt down on my part to realize how much I was being used by my mother. Now I feel nothing but resentment and anger toward her. If she disappeared out of my life, I am not sure I would miss her. It is a horrible way to feel like this toward a mother. Don't let it happen to you!
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Tell her that with your job you simply don't have enough time. Let her know what you are willing to do for her on a weekly basis, and suggest that your sibling should kick in and take up some of the slack. If your sibling doesn't want to do that, your mother can hire someone to take your siblings place.
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