If a family member is the caregiver and takes more verbal and physical abuse from the patient, what can you do?

Physical abuse????!!!!!!!

No. If a family caregiver is being physically abused, the patient needs a higher level of care, meaning a facility with three shifts of professional caregivers.

one of my aunts was being beaten black and blue by my uncle because he wanted to get out of the condo and wander down the highway. She would wear the key around her neck to keep it from him. She had a massive heart attack a few weeks after he was placed in memory care. He lived happily for another three years.

YOU are only indispensable to YOURSELF.

I don't really have any experience but wanted to say NO ONE should tolerate physical abuse under any circumstance, perhaps others on this site can give you some good advice. God bless 🙏

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am a CNA and I take care of my Dad (Stage 6 Alzheimers) but he isn't violent or verbally abusive. You have to know that you can only do so much before you get to meltdown. If your Mom has dementia, she may not be able to help the verbal abuse, but if she is violent and hurts you...well, who is going to help YOU??? If you are hurt, who is going to help THEM? Sounds like your brother is very sick and usually very sick people are bitter and nasty. Again, you are no match for abuse and you shouldn't accept it as your lot in life. Knowing that you have done the best you can sometimes has to be enough. Please consider finding a care unit for them, you can always visit them. I pray you will be able to resolve this and please, please, PLEASE do NOT feel any guilt, you have been the hero, not the zero!! God bless you!

Does these people have any kind of insurance that can help you to get a home attendant? I take care of my father along with the help of my sister. But it's becoming to be a bit for the both of us. I can only imagine what you're going through. Try to see what you can do to get your love ones some professional help. You have to take care of yourself. And if the need be, put them in a facility without guilt. This is a blessing from God for you and your family.

Apparently lawmakers have always believed that while the patient(s) need protection from their caregivers...caregivers are on their own because there aren't any laws (that I'm aware of) at least not federal or in my state, that specifically mention protection for non-paid caregivers/family members. What can you do? The choices are slim and none of them are easy or ideal. (1) you can stop being their caregiver and hand the job off to paid professionals. By that I mean, nursing home or a group home setting. This would allow you to visit with them whenever you like but it would also allow you to go home if/when the visit goes sour giving you some protection. However, if you depend on their income in any way....that will be gone. (2) If that's not an option many cities offer adult day care that is funded by Medicare/Medicaid. Take them there for a few hours every day to give you a break. (3) Medicare/Medicaid also offers in-home caregiver visits. They will handle things like helping them with bathing and simply visiting with them. You will need to speak with their doctor's and his office will have to "prescribe" these visits. However, it will give you up to 6 hours a week broken down over 5 days. Long enough for you to take a much needed break here and there. (4) Find a local support group. This might take a little digging, but most cities have them. They usually meet at churches or hospitals and they can be a lifesaver for you....and...lastly (5) divorce yourself from them completely. Family should always support one another, love one another and respect one another. Abuse is never okay whether it's verbal or physical and whether they're old or sick. Being old or sick is no excuse for abusing the one person who is trying to help you. I'm sure both your parent and your brother are not only ill but extremely frustrated and depressed over their current lives. They appear to take all of this out on you - because they know they can. They know that you will never desert them so they feel they can treat you however they please - all without repercussions. Because if you strike out at them or verbally abuse them - YOU can be arrested. Sometimes we have to worry about ourselves and our future and if that means finding a really good place for them to live that's not in your house...then why is that being a bad daughter/sister? A bad daughter/sister would allow them to live there and abuse them or neglect them. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I pray you find peace and happiness.

We all want to have that Norman Rockwell family. We want to have families like those depicted in TV shows where the elderly parent lives happily and harmoniously with their grown children and family. However, more often than not, that's not possible. We all carry excess baggage and the older we get, the more baggage we have to carry. A perfect parent would be the one who appreciates their grown child's help and hospitality and doesn't butt in where they don't belong. But unfortunately, most parents never ever let go of the whole parent/child thing. They never allow their children to grow up. They move in with us and then proceed to take over every aspect of our homes and lives. They seem to feel that they cannot let go of the control. Perfect world would be where we take our elderly parents into our home and it's a wonderful life. But we don't live in a perfect world so we have to do the best we can with what we're given. I have a wonderful friend who takes care of both of her very elderly parents AND her in-laws. They are kind, happy and a joy to be around. I find it very very difficult for me to be around them and never go to my friend's house to visit anymore. It's just too painful to see her parents and then come home to mine. The difference is astounding. Rather we meet somewhere for lunch or something because it hurts me so much to see how wonderful her elderly group is and how they don't butt into my friend's life, how the grandchildren and great grandchildren love to be around them and often come get them and take them home for long weekends without being asked. I am so jealous of how my friend can sit and laugh with them and feels so at ease with all of them. There's no drama there. Only lots of love and respect. Whenever I take my mother to a doctor's appointment, I see women my age with their elderly parents and they seem so loving and happy...and then I look at me and mine....the difference is mind blowing. I wind up going home and feeling guilty for days on end. What I can't seem to grasp is that my mother is not at all like any of these wonderful elderly people that I mentioned. My mother is bitter, angry, hateful, spiteful, abusive (verbally) and a control freak. She enters my house complaining about the dogs, what's on TV, what's for dinner, the arrangement of my furniture, she even makes fun of the color I recently painted my living room (it's a very light gray - what's so funny about that?), she never fails to comment at length about my physical appearance. How gray my hair is, the style of it, my weight, my clothes. It's as if she has this list of negativity that she memorizes and then she will go down that list one by one until the visit is over. Christmas is the very worst. She will complain about the food, the presents, what she got, what she didn't get, how much I must have spent, every little thing. But this is nothing really new. She has ALWAYS been like this. The difference is, I didn't have to be around her as much back when she could drive herself and take care of herself, so I only had to deal with her on major holidays. Now I am forced to deal with her daily. I think if everyone who is having issues with their elderly would look back, they would see that their parent hasn't really changed....it's just that now they are forced to deal with it all the time rather than just some of the time. Whew! long post. Sorry.

I strongly agree with anyone who says that no one should tolerate abuse. I'm a survivor myself and all abuse really does is devour the victim. Abused caregivers can back out of caregiving and request a replacement. Another thing they should do if this happens is to warn others of the abuse. Abused caregivers who must refrain from a patient who is abusing them should never allow that abuser to convince them to come back because of the abuse cycle is an endless vicious one. I must warn you of those 'good' times because they're just part of the cycle as I learned during my childhood when I was abused by my mom. You never have to take care of someone who is abusing you. When my parents aged, I didn't even have to care for them due to how they lost their parental rights to me when I was rescued from the abusive home and became a ward of the state. You never have to take care of someone who is abusing you. Finally, I must warn you that if you allow this to go on, you will also allow others to abuse you as well. If you're being abused, it's time for you to go from being a doormat to the person you were really meant to be. No matter what, a person's condition is no excuse for them to abuse you, and the worst thing about the abuse cycle is it only worsens.

Once the violence starts, its time for longterm nursing. Get both evaluated. If there is money, it will have to be spent down. If not, medicaid will help. You can't do it all. Your responsibility is to make sure they are cared for. That u can do by visiting regularly.

OK Lets look at this caregiving malarkey as a business and then see where it takes us....

Strategy : o ensure LO care is the best it can be. measured weekly by happiness and improvement in outlook.

Not quantifiable in a metric but through qualitative analysis

Business Plan

DO we have the resources to care?
Do we have the funds to place LO in care for respite
Do we have enough money to place Mum in permanent care?
Are we qualified?
Are we the best people for the job?
What makes us so special?
Are there better options?
What do we need to do to make sure they are better and that they remain better?


Hmph that was a bad move - Mum should be in care!

Run, don't walk away! Abuse should never be tolerated! I know what you mean when you say that you laugh it off....you laugh because you don't want another fight, or verbal or physical abuse. It is an effective strategy. BUT you still feel the pain. No one should feel they have the right to harm you in anyway. The fact that you are, obviously, a good-natured person, should not allow them to take advantage of you! Look closely at your options. Do you feel you NEED to take care of them? If so, why? Are they eligible for AL or NH care? Do they have medicare or medicaid to support them? Please, please take care of yourself! Your life is your own...you have every right to be happy and safe. Please make it so...Being abused is NOT you, it's them! And just like you would never harm them...they should NEVER harm you! My blessings to you, Lindaz.