I feel suicidal after taking care of my mother for 10 years with no support.

Bookworm,I think you hit the nail on the head. It is best just not to think about the injustice. I think it just makes us bitter if we give them to much thought. I once heard someone say, "Why do you let them live rent free in your head?" That just kind of resonated with me. Just this last week I let a company upset me over a totally different issue. My husband got mad at me because I got so upset the blood pressure monitor would not register. Finally I realized, "You Ditz. You are allowing this to hurt you and they could care less." I went in and played with my cat until I calmed down. By the next day I was not mad, but I was prepared to get even.
You are caring for your parents. Do you get paid for your services? If not, I think it is time for you to check into how you can get paid. It just is not right for you to give up the "major" earnings years of your life and end up with no way to take care of yourself. That is even more true in your situation where you could end up homeless. Also, you say your father told y'all this. Is there a will? If not, what he says will not hold much water. State law will prevail. If there is no will, I'd keep quiet about it and when the time comes, let the state determine who gets what.
My sister and I have decided that if we end up alone we are going to each get a camper (1 camper would be too much togetherness) and travel together. We were discussing it & my mother said, "I want to go too." She never liked camping so this is really funny. We have decided we can take her, check her into hotels along the way & have somewhere to go to get a shower in a full size tub. Lemonade out of lemons!
Please do something to ensure you have a comfortable future. You have already given up a lot. talk to you later.

NotWell --I have always dreamed of travelling. When I had reached age 23, I had already travelled to Japan and Hawaii. I had dreams of moving to the states, and then fly to Europe during my vacation leaves. Then mom had dementia, and I stayed home to help father. Father has told us 8 kids that the boys would split the land into 3 and us girls - well,our husband will provide us the land. I am now age 47, single, and 2 bedridden parents. I have spent the other half of my life caregiving for my parents. The boys got the land and THIS house for free. When the parents die, oldest sis (she just moved in last Saturday) and I will be homeless. We are going all the caregiving, but my brothers get the prize. Our land is in prime location. My aunties of the surrounding area sold their land for over a million dollars. Sucks that my brothers will get prime land and sis/I will be out on our own. So, I know what it feels like to be bitter, angry and resentful. Try to put yourself in my shoes. I have nothing to show for staying here to help my parents. Nothing. Sigh... It helps when I don't think about the injustice of it all, though. =)

I am sorry you are the one taking on this job. I do understand. I too am trying to understand why I was the one. Keep coming back and asking questions and vent if necessary.. Here to listen

I've been there, Julie. In fact, back in the fall, I had a breast cancer scare - all the way to the doctors telling me I did have cancer and that it was just a matter of removing the lump to find out what kind it was. So I was resigned to it, and because of the depression and defeated feeling I have from worrying about and being driven mad by my mother's dementia (and her increasingly uncooperative, angry demeanor), I was actually disappointed (I know that sounds awful) when I was told it was only pre-cancerous and they removed everything and I was fine. I know people who actually do have cancer and are suffering and facing death will want to strangle me for saying that, but I honestly was relieved to have a way out that would allow the life insurance to pay off so my husband could plunk my mother with one of her siblings and have a life of his own. I think what you're feeling is normal, and while you can't give in to it and we both have to get past feeling so lost and defeated, you're not alone. Please get time away, talk to a therapist to get tools for dealing with your feelings, and don't let your life be gobbled up by your role as caregiver. The person you're caring for wouldn't want you to throw your life away. I send hugs.

Bookworm, I am glad you have accepted it; I can't. Perhaps if my parents had never bailed my brother out when he was in trouble (as an adult), perhaps had I not let him move in with me when his wife was running around on him (& not charged him for anything and given him the master bedroom so he did not have to share a bathroom with my daughter), perhaps had my parents not offered to give him money to refinance his house, or offered to send his wife to college so she could support their child if something happened to him, or given him vehicles or all of the numerous other things that have been done for him by the family I could accept it. Perhaps if he was not asking for all the "good" stuff my parents have, or EXPECTING an inheritance, I could accept it. I probably could even accept it if he called them occasionally. He lives less than 5 miles from them & he has not called or come to see them in almost 2 years. I believe if one walks around with their hand out, they need to give back. It is just part of being a responsible adult in society.
I rarely ever think about him anymore. In fact, for the most part, I don't think of him at all except when this issue arises on here. He has become very unimportant in my life. My sister & I each refer to him as that man that was raised with another family's values.
My parents did plan for this stage in their life. Even when it got where I had to have help and so had to hire caregivers to help, we have not had to go into their savings. My sister & I tell my mother constantly that anything she wants she can have. We hope she spends every dime of her money making herself happy. After we lose Daddy, we will take her anywhere she wants to go.
Maybe someday in my thinking, considering and brooding I might come to accept that he has a right to be uninvolved. Right now I consider him to be a selfish leech on society. He better pray his wife and kids live longer than he does so he has someone to care for him. He has burned his bridges and his 2 sisters have written him off. There was a time we would have bent over backward for him. That ended when he started abusing our parents. Yes, I think abandoning a parent who has done everything for you is abuse. Funny thing is, he was my mother's favorite and I was her least favorite.
sharynmarie, Suicide is not the answer. If nothing else, think about who your mother would be left to depend on. She needs you! Someone suggested respite care. Please look into it and take a break. It is very difficult to relinquish care of someone you have cared for and loved for so long. But, you have to do it in order to take care of yourself. Does your mother qualify for hospice? They would help take some of the burden off of you and will send in a minister and social worker to see about your well being. I will be praying for you. Remember the world cannot afford to lose a wonderful, caring person such as yourself.

This is a tough situation we are in as full time caregivers. My husband has six children (none of them are from our relationship). . .not one has bothered to call to ask how their father is doing. Oh, we get a Christmas card and I heard thru a sister-in-law that his daughter is happy her dad is married to me so I can take care of him! So, here I am with the full responsibilty - financially and physically. And as hard as it is - the best thing is to come here and vent, get in your car - sit in the driveway with the music on and scream a couple of times - or let the chores sit for a day or two. Apparently, we are the only ones that cares anyway! ha ha

Julie, it is so true. People find it much easier to blame God for everything. By doing this, you're taking away the value of "You reap what you sow." How can anyone grow up and become responsible for their actions if everyone continues to blame God? I know why my siblings don't help. And I can guaranty you it is NOT because they fear seeing the parents being where they are now - weak, bedridden, etc....Sometimes, when I read this on this site and on other Alzheimer books about it, I think it's Bull! It's the same as blaming God - they are not taking responsibility for Their Actions. If they don't want to see the parents, they can sure help monetary. Help you hire a part-time caregiver so that you can get respite. If their using pampers, they can buy the supplies - pampers, wipes, lotions, plastic bags, etc... But no excuse is acceptable. They CHOSE NOT to help. And one day, Karma will come knocking on their door. What goes around comes around - my favorite phrase when I used to get so angry with them. Used To. Like Papadoc and others said, it's best for your overall health to accept your siblings are selfish, self-centered, etc... and just move on with your life. The hard part is when they come to me for sympathy with THEIR health/problems. I haven't yet learned to detach and set boundaries.

Julie, I have to take issue with the idea that God makes us what we are today. Instead, he gives us the raw material and says, 'take it from here and do with it what you will'. It's called free choice. If you take care of your Mom, you do so because you took the heart God gave you and did something wonderful and useful with it. If your brother and sister are heartless towards your mother, they took the same heart that God gave them and turned it cold. As a sign that I used to have in my office said, "Everyone's life is an example. What kind of an example is up to you."

I and my siblings are 4 kids spread throughout the country and up till 1.5 yrs ago were blessed to have both parents. But even before Mom died, one brother and I would call all the time to show the love. But as Mom would say, if she ever expected to talk to the other two, she'd have to call them. She would go out of her way to not be critical and never demanding. She just loved to talk. They did no cards, and virtually no visits other than maybe once a year during the holidays, even for the one that was only a couple of hours away and was a stay at home mom.

But after Mom died it became much worse for Dad because he had dementia. Their excuse was that he wouldn't remember anyway, so why waste their time talking to him. That was just an excuse however, and it was no different than how they run the rest of their lives.

Just like infants that don't even know what you're saying to them, it is the attention and love that sink and make a difference to people with dementia, not the recollection that anyone specific called them. One brother (the one with no kids) only managed two calls in 18 months till Dad died. Yet he cried like a baby at the funeral and both made sure that everyone was told how much he'd miss Dad. Sis wasn't far behind. It was frustrating to hear that crud. As my good brother and I still joke, we could have had the funeral, run the will through probate and split and spent the inheritance before the other two even knew Dad was gone. It was that sad.

At one point, I got so angry about their dismissal and lack of caring that it really started to affect my health and the way I looked at the world. I had to stop and change my focus and I couldn't afford to let myself go there. I had to learn to appreciate my one brother who did care, and just let the other two go from my thoughts. It wasn't easy at first, but they made it easier by not bothering to even inquire with me how he was doing.

Now neither my caring brother or I will ever have any kind of relationship with these two again (not that it probably matters that much to them). I managed to let the anger go, but I will not forget how they treated two of the best people I've ever known, and particularly my Dad who only existed in his last year to love and be loved.

I would have wished for a great lifelong relationship with the other two siblings, but have resolved and am okay with the idea that I'm better off without it. Sometimes you just have to let people go and to be grateful for everything else.

You can't change people or the kind of people they are. But don't give them the power through their lack of caring to change you or make you miserable. As hard as it is to think in such terms, some people are poison to you and you just have to let them go.

My two siblings stated up front 8 years ago that they wanted our disdabled mother in a nursing home, but I couldn't stand the thought of it. I've taken care of her alone and harbor no bitterness that I can't force my decision and burden on them. Believe me, I'm no Pollyanna because sometimes I'd like to slit my wrists too.

Perhapes it is time to look into a facility for your Mother. You are just as important as she is and we all have our breaking points. I will pray for you.

Okay she didn't come right out and say she hates her sibs. She said they are terrible people.

Joanne - My heart goes out to you - you are a wonderful daughter and have been so devoted and done so much for your mother on your own. But, it neurologists and psychiatrists are urging you to possibly place her in a nursing home - I am sure they know what they are talking about and they are award from their experience what the future holds for your mom and a facility would be more equiped to handle it.

My mother was in a nursing home with many problems including mental health issues. I had all I could do to keep her out of the mental hospital due to her actions. While in the nursing home; you can be her advocate and visit as much as you can.

We all make promises which might not be able to be kept. Contact the local elderly services and they will be able to guide you and give you support. It is a tough road, but you can pave it with love even through the transition to a facility. Blessings to you and hugs across the miles.

Sounds like it is time to make a change - take care of yourself.

Check out for an hour or two, just not for a lifetime. I have no one but myself to take care of my 83 yr old husband. His six children don't call, or care, send a card, or help in any way at all. For the most part, these children are professionals that have the money to help me out. . . Just $25 would help these days. We have to depend upon ourselves for care for the Alzheimer's patient and we have to depend upon ourselves for our care. I am checking out a senior center next week so I can have some time to myself. Hoping that it doesn't cost much, because I am living on SS checks - I am disabled, too! All of us are hanging on my a thread, but please remember these days will not last forever.

I also became the primary person for my 89 year old mother. Sister and brother deserted her as though she has the plague. I also feel like not wanting to go on, feel trapped in hell, mom is getting worse, and my arms have nail marks in them from her while I was trying to help her. My dogs won't go near her. I do not get councelling, but do need it desperately. Truthfully, I just want my own apartment with my dogs, my own space, I am burnt out. I do have help during the days for her, but I'm left with her at night. I loved her so much, we were best friends, I swore on my life never a nursing home, but neurologists and psychiatrists told me that I need to take my promise back, place her, and start living again. I just don't have the courage or know how to do it. I tried to find her assisted living, but all were too expensive. I just feel like I've destroyed the life I have not had for the past 3 years. I use to be happy, I'm so down all the time now.

julie, I had almost the same problem & I often wrote about the (QUEEN) comming to vist! Because thats how I felt. All she did was visit! so if my post are still on there please read them. my mom has now passed, but my sister was even mentioned in the eulogy as (THE VISITOR). I also wrote that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. because she really looked good . BUT I WAS THE ONE THAT MOVED IN & TOOK CARE OF MOM. She even said well U vulunteered. now I would give anything to do it all over again. but it really does hurt when help could be there & it isn't . the name is tannner56. I went through HELL ! NOT WITH MOM BUT WITH THE (QUEEN) just popping into visit, This is a good site to vent & know ur not ( alone.)also I am now finding out now that people didn't know mom was so sick . because when they asked the ( QUEEN ) how's ur mom. she said oh she's fine. complete shock for so many when her obituary was in the paper. (THE QUEEN ONLY VISITED) SHE DIDN"T EVEN HAVE A CLUE.

Julie, you never said you "hated" your siblings. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. And there are no excuses for siblings to show no support in any fashion and to simply look the other way (no matter their reasons) and let one sibling shoulder the burden. I don't think you are dwelling on it; but it is understandable that you are hurt and wish things were different. You are under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress.

Just remember; many of us on this board understand and truly care how you feel. It is good to vent - that is what this board is all about. When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and no one is there to catch you - it is difficult to not have it bother you; especially when it is your siblings. Everyone has problems and can offer help in some way; even if it is listening to you and at least trying to understand. Blessings to you - you are a wonderful daughter.

Julie, You just can't dwell on what they are not doing. It will just make you more sick. You are not in their shoes and they have their reasons for not helping. In my case, I am the one that is accused of not helping. It is not b/c I am heartless etc. As for you, just concentrate on your own health and well being. A big does of forgiveness of your sibs would help you a lot. They are doing the best they know how, however flawed it may be. I was under the impression that Xanax made the depression worse, but I may be wrong. Your counselor should be visiting with you about forgiveness, about concentrating on your mother and you and not them, letting them go about their ways. The counselor should be saying stuff like live one day at a time etc. The "hate" you feel towards your sibs is poisoning your life, not theirs. I say all these things in a loving way and most supportive way. Brandy.

if i took xanax for anxiety id cack down a months supply in a week for some needed relief then do without for 3 weeks. sounds crazy but not as crazy as taking a depressant every day and wondering why youre depressed. the shits are addictive as fire too when taken every day.. then for three weeks you have a week long bender to look forward to.. of course docs would rather you take them as prescribed so youll become dependant on them.. there are three ways to get something done. the right way, the wrong way, and my way. its pretty much the same as the wrong way only quicker..

gsw - one common theme that I have read on this site is the importance of having: Caregiver's Bill of Rights (when getting paid - what is your hours, etc...) and see a lawyer that specializes in Elder Law. Very important to see the lawyer. They will know both yours and the elderlies rights and hopefully prevent you from getting in trouble late in the future. It may cost money to see the lawyer but I think it's worth it than to wing it on your own, and then get arrested for elderly abuse, etc...The lawyer can also help you with the Caregiver's Bill of Rights. Each states may have their own ... so it's not a one size fits all.

Thanks so much, Bookworm. I appreciate it.

I'm sorry that your siblings choose not to help you Julie, but mostly I am sorry that you feel under pressure to take care of your mother all by yourself. It sounds to me like you are having difficulty seeing any alternatives. Your desperation is very clear and I understand your resentment towards your siblings but I agree with the others, resentment is a destructive force that makes life so much harder.

The people around us do have the right to make their choices. A spouse can choose to cheat on or abandon their partner. Sometimes people make choices that really hurt others. Sometimes people make irresponsible or truly selfish choices. The bottom line is we have no control over the choices of others. The good news is we do get to chose how we go forward in your own life.

Like the others have said allowing anger and resentment to fester will only hurt you and you deserve better than that. I'm really new here but already I can see there is tons good advice on how you can find help and relief with caring for elderly parents. If you can, try and focus on that. Finding help is what you need.

One more thing, I find moderate venting to be very therapeutic but it works better for me if I talk in terms of my feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, and frustration not just my feelings of resentment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I was almost in your position. I wrote about the (QUEEN COMMING TO VISIT) I asked for help & my OLDER sister said look into nursing homes ! ( if u can't handle it) (I COULD NEVER DO THAT) My mom has now passed & in the eulogy she was known as the visitor. There was even a time when my sister came over with a friend, so I thought good now I can go in another room & just relax. (than I hear MOM needs to go to the bathrom. ) I got up with my fist in my hand (SO TAKE HER) . MY mother had been crippled for over a year. But when the (QUEEN) had to take her. ( thats when & only when she found out how bad she really was. other than that she only visited.. & than I was told I brought hospice in to early. But (hospic was here 1 month. ) & than mom Passed. I guess I was thinking in the back of my mind . (what would she do if I had a heart atack lets see how she would handle it than. & than at times she woul (SCREM) well u volunteered. I said i left my house & moved in here expecting some kind of help but u couldn't do that. well my mom is gone & I would give anything to do it again & not complain about no help. I think with all the arguing my mom started to feel like aburden. & now I regret every word my mom heard. beleive me I packed my bags a couple of times. BUT she knew I would never leave. & I knew it too. I just went through the motions. It really makes things worse when help is available in the family & isn't there. Please know that u r not (alone ) because it does make it worse when u could have help & don't get it. If I was an only child I know I would not of felt that way. I think i would of done it all knowing & not complain at all (IF ) i WAS AN ONLY CHILD. I really think u feel that way because it's all dumped on u when there is others.

Hi Gsw, I'm about to sleep real soon. Brain is very sluggish. But I was still able to find some stuff for you to read about your mom paying you...Try the 1st one - an article from this site. and No. 3 - is the Search results for being Paid. You can click on the different discussions under #3. Hope it helps narrow down your question. I hope these help....

1. Article by AC
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-get-paid-for-being-a-caregiver-135476.htm

2. Question from a reader
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Can-I-be-paid-as-caregiver-living-with-and-completely-caring-for-my-86-year-old-mother-who-lives-in--143077.htm

3. Search Results
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=pay+as+caregiver

Wow! I'm not alone. I feel so much better just reading these comments. My Mom is almsot 91, with moderate Alzheimer's. She has always been self-centered and not very nice to my sister and me or even the grandkids although professing the deepest love for all of us. She has always made clear that she DID NOT want to go into a nursing home and my sister and I have accommodated her. Now, my sister, who lives 95 miles away, is working full time and I am taking care of her all alone. I know I have resentment toward my sister, and especially her kids who lived close to her, because they never helped even one time in four years. It's probably because my mother says hurtful things, but still, I feel if you teach your kids that life isn't always one big party, then they learn to care for others. My kids live 1000 miles away and have made the trip several times to see her, but I have no one near to help. I am searching out home care, and I had to quit my job to take in Mom almost 5 years ago, and have no income but Social Security. Mom has a small pension, SS, and a small stipend from VA. I think she would be better off in an assisted living place if she could handle it, financially, but then again, I don't think she can afford it. I may not be making any sense, but here I am 64, and I feel trapped. She wants to pay me, but I'm not sure how that works, or if it's legal. I'm at a loss, but I see some of you are worse off than I am, and some of you have learned things that I haven't yet. Thanks so much for this forum. I feel better knowing that you are out there, and hopefully some day I will be able to offer someone some sage advice.

Julie and all other responders to this post; my heart goes out to all of you. I have felt in the past how many of you feel and it truly can and will effect your health. It is so important to let go of resentments and anger against siblings who don't want to help. I did and it was not easy; but I was better for it.

The suicidal thoughts are there when the body is beyond fatigue and the mind is on constant overload. This site is a saving grace for so many. Who else can understand the extremes of caregiving more than those that actually do it and can relate.

Hugs across the miles to all of you above - blessings to you and will keep you in my prayers.

Wow it was like I have placed this question, like you I also am my mothers full time caretaker, she lives with me, my siblings don't help at all, I have had major depression all of my life and the last few years high axiety, I gave up on the anitdepressents as I have tried them all and none worked, I take 6 mg of zanax a day that does help the axiety and helps me sleep, there are respite agencies out there that will come in for 3 or 4 hours a couple of times a month free of charge is your county has been given a grant, I am just getting ready to start to take this help, I did not know it was there until after another illness with my mom, was told by the social worker that I would benefit from some respite care, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for them, My first time having someone come in will be tuesday, the first few times i will stay and watch to make sure everything is going ok but after that taking 2 hours just to sit outside by myself or take a nap while so one else cares for her will be a blessing, reach out, there is help, call your county and ask what resouces are avalible to you. God Bless

At least when someone works with someone, (a job such as in an office, store, etc.), and that employee does not do their share, a person can go to the boss and complain. Perhaps, what's especially frusterating about siblings not helping out with their elderly parents, it that the selfish siblings know that nothing will happen to them if they do not help out. In other words, it's not like a job situation, where they may get fired. It is most frusterating. On a different note, possibly reducing (or eliminating) caffeine can help.

Csarah, it's difficult when you have no outside help, outside job income and outside friends/family's help. I can just imagine how alone and abandoned you must feel. You would think that family would help - but they don't. I can have the full blown flu and no family helping out.

I've only been to therapy twice. My last therapy, the counselor told me that if I continue as I am (with no help from siblings) I will die from exhaustion or my body will protect itself and land in the hospital. I'm reaching the end of my stamina with caregiving 2 bedridden parents. I'm blanking out, unsteady, dizzy all the time, and just sooo exhausted. I finally texted to all my siblings (6 of 7) what is happening and what the therapist said. I told them straight out that if they continue to let me go "as is", then I will either die or end up in the hospital. It's okay if I die - no problem (always been suicidal - so not a scary thought about dying). But, if I go to the hospital and come out bedridden - major problem. They can decide my life - death or disability.

I'm just sooo tired but... this is life. Every time it knocks you down, you just have to get up and face it head on..until it knocks you down again.

Csarah, your sister or cousin can't even chip in so that you have enough money to buy a used car? Can you check if there's a program in your area where people who are moving away, gives their car to charity? Or some kind of program? I remembered reading a long time ago on Reader's Digest about something like that. Since your on disability, it might apply to you. Or, I may be getting it mixed up with another program that has nothing to do with cars. It was a long time ago.

@ Julie - you sound so angry towards your siblings. I was there, too. I never realized how awful having all that anger, resentment and bitterness inside me was affecting me. When I found this site in June of last year (I mistakenly said 2 in my earlier post), I vented and vented and vented. I think I was too detailed when I should have been a little bit vague in my venting. But, I was typing as I was venting. No time to be "political correct." I went to group therapy when I could. Then one day, I found myself bouncing while walking up the stairs. I felt so lighthearted...it surprised me. So I turned my thoughts inward while walking and ...I am lighthearted! I think holding all that anger and resentment Does Affect Us! So, please, if you all need to vent - just come here and vent as much as you can. Take care! HUGS!!

My mother broke her femur in june of 2001. I spent three months helping her while she healed and she was so afriad that she would fall again that she never walked without her walker. This caused me to help her do things that she could not do because she did not have her hands free. I myself have cerebral palsy. While I was physically helping my mom I started to notice that she was showing signs of dementia, and the type of dementia that she ended up getting was Fronto temporal dementa that changes her personality and her behavior. It is not like Azlheimers. I had to quit my job, and take care of my mom until and after she was diagoised with dementia. I went broke because I was only living on what disablity gives me and I had a place of my own. I had to file for bankruptcy, and after that I got into a car wreak on my way to a David Cassidy concert. I killed my car. I find it hard to carry out my duties as trustee, and my own life while takening a cab.

My sister has refused to help and so has her family. My cousin refused to loan me money to buy a different car.

The worst part of this is I have had no time to cultivate friendships and have people to talk to. I have no family of my own.

I've been helping father caregive mom for 23yrs before he had a stroke and is now bedridden...this was 2 yrs ago. I have 7 siblings and during the 23yrs we have asked repeatedly for family to help. Nada. Then when father became bedridden 2 years ago , I truly believed the 7 siblings would help. I had this grandiose idea that we can split the days per person. 1 sibling per day, and I -the only one staying at home with the parents - will do the night shifts when I get off work. Those in the states would just have to pay for a caregiver for their share of the day. Nada! I had to ask my oldest sis to help babysit Mon-Friday, with pay. I lasted one year doing this. Mom needs constant suctioning, so I haven't had a true uninturrupted night sleep in a looooong time. In June of last year, I realized that I was living in a prison and decided to kill myself on Friday - when my bosses got back from vacation. I remembered it was a Monday morning, when I was crying so hard in the restroom for over 10 minutes. Then I remembered finding this site just 2 days earlier. So, I came on and asked for help. I got the help.

Julie, I was sooo angry and bitter and resentful towards my 6 siblings. Nobody wanted to help. I understood why they wouldn't with the parents - because we grew up from a Very Dysfunctional Family. But, I truly thought that they would help me out of love for me. I had told them of my suicidal thoughts - Nothing. I guess, they just got tired of my ventings for the past 24 years. They just didn't care.

Here on AC, I was told some very straightforward advice. Sharyn said it in a much nicer way than I would have told you. But, these words were said to me, and I DID get angry and denied the advice. But, I'm a thinker. Once you introduce an idea to me, I gnaw it left and right and I can no longer hide my head under the sand. My brother-who-lives-just-next-door and his wife and 3 grown children have a RIGHT Not to help with the parents. They have Their Own Life. Our parents should have prepared for this eventuality and not assume that their children would care for them in their old age. Everyone Has A Choice. Each caregiver here CHOSE to caregive our "loved" ones. I fought against that one, too. But, in the end, honesty won. I chose to stay home to help father with mom - due to the Bible's commandment to "Honor Your Father and Your Mother." I will tell you, that I cried on a fellow believer's shoulders because I did NOT want to do it. When I stayed to help the parents, I was so angry with God, that I stopped actively worshipping him. I only started praying to Him a lot when I started posting here on AC. Soooo many people suffering on this site. I had to just pray for those poor people. I have never prayed as much in the past 24 years of my life than when I found AC these past 2 years. I have vented here over and over. I no longer hold such anger and resentment towards my sibling. This site is a lifesaver for me. I hope it is for you. I still think that life sucks but I'm no longer suicidal.

Once I accepted that my siblings have a Right Not to help, I then turned to look for alternate ways to solve my problem. I asked older brother if he can send extra cash because I have no babysitter on Saturdays and I work. Brother sent me the money BUT it is for ME and Not for the parents. (Of all us 8 kids, this brother got it the WORST while we were growing up - from both parents. As an adult, he CRIED as he relived his childhood memories. He will never ever forgive the parents.) I mentioned to competing-oldest-bro (he always has to beat younger bro who is giving me xtra $$) that bro was giving me $$ every month. Now, oldest bro-of-next-door is paying for our power bill $500/month.

Julie, when father found out mom had dementia, he started calling around for any and all programs that they would qualify. There was a college program funded by the federal govt on dementia study here on island. So, he applied - they accepted to service mom on the condition that they send a neurologist once in awhile and mom takes tests to see the progress of the disease. Father said yes - and we got like a $120 stipend for supplies like pampers, wipes, etc...and once a week a caregiver will come to sponge bath mom. Please, just call around. When someone gives you an answer, ask if they know of other places or programs that you can contact. That’s what father did. He got 3 organizations to help – even meals-on-wheels! Take care!