I agree. I am low contact and try to use gray rock but it is not always easy. Mother keeps trying to bully guilt me to move to where they live. Never mind that I have a family, job, life where I am at. I also have health issues which means keeping up with my stuff is hard enough. I have told them no so many times and made suggestions on what they can do to get some help put of course they do nothing and prefer the disaster plan. This makes me very angry as they think when the time comes they can bully me into being their plan. I am starting to pull away more and more as I am just sick of it all.
I feel same. Drove up last week ago (2+ hrs each way) purged for 6 hrs with my Sister, took Mom to grocery store. Was wiped out ..drove home. Haven't been back since bc of work demands, and it is met with attempts at guilty me (continuously) "I have nothing to do...absolutely nothing." (Mind you, she is Borderline & NPD) I make suggestions & everything is met with a "NOOOOO!" So draining. Where is the desire to be independent..to age gracefully..to support that your Kids & G-Kids deserve to have experiences/lives that won't include you..?? We should all be planning to be as independent as possible. Visit with neighbors, go on a walk.. take up a hobby. Elderly should be a cheerleader, excited to hear great news re: family. Read an article how some elderly relish being independent & self soothing. Others feel it is on everyone else to cater for them. Fave hobby is playing the tiny "poor me" violin. Wild disparity between these styles/philosophies of aging & of living. I say visit when you can muster up some desire to visit. But put space between. Saw this inspirational quote other day.. "You can't save someone who is not willing to participate in their own rescue."
Of course you feel guilty, because abusive parents are MASTERS at creating guilt in children. How about changing out the G work from guilt (which belongs to evil doers and felons) to "GRIEF" which belongs to those who witness their elders failing, who will never receive from them the one thing they needed all their lives which is "Thanks. You are such a good kid. I love you". Seek a therapist for help. Professionals, whether MD or Lawyer or Accountant or Therapist have their place in this world and this is one of them. With good therapy you will come to inner peace and acceptance that your parents were and are and always will be very flawed folks. You have two choices for family. The one you are born to and the one you make yourself. You are down to that last one. Heal yourself, so you can make it good and stop the legacy of inadequacy now. I wish you the very best. I know the path that is KNOWN, even when it is habitual and dark, the the path easiest to stay on. When you begin to make changes for yourself give yourself a huge pat on the back because it takes enormous courage. Your parents have had their lives. This is your one and only time for you. Make it as good as you are able to make it.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. They are the ones who should feel guilty because of their abusive behavior.
Ironic how the people who should feel guilt or remorse never feel any. That is because they are defective and have always been that way. They are not capable of love or caring and most times just pretend to be normal.
Visit them as much or as little as you like. Whatever option keeps you sane.
Only you can decide to stop feeling guilty about how little you actually want to be around them.
It's ironic, the whole thing! I agree with your comments very much so. And I think you hit it on the nail...your last sentence. Due to conditioned and cultural thinking/beliefs that inner voice (her voice) keeps saying,,,"you should visit your elderly parents, you should be taking care of us, you should obey us, you owe us now after all we did for you" . Yes,only I can decide to stop this guilt! Thanks!
Generally, topics posted under the heading of "Elder Abuse" will be about situations where posters are concerned that their elders are vulnerable to abuse.
Your issue seems to be the other way up. What are your parents' needs, what do you feel is expected of you, and what would you like to do about any mismatch between that and what you're comfortably able to do?
Their needs are that their children are meant to 'give them company'. Ideally I would and have done in the past. But I have awoken to their toxicity big time. When I saw more of them I too behaved poorly in many ways...couldnt see it then. I CAN NOW and oh my oh my have I shed some tears about that and dished out apologies to my own children for it. Seeing it, and fortunately stopping a repeated cycle of blame shifting/gaslighting etc is like a miracle. It now means I squirm internally when I am in their presence and recognise their abuse. Of course I have tried to talk totem but its no use AT ALL they get even more defensive and more abusive. My last visit lasted 2/3mins after my mums commented on my poor physical appearance. (It can be anything thou...why hasn't my son found a proper job, why dont you eat the cake I MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU, press my feet I'm in so much pain...etc etc) No isn't a word they like at all. I would like accountability for when they say and do mean things. What happens is they say and do mean things I put up a boundary, they discredit it, I walk out (calmly and politely now and say I love you) and they tell me how selfish I am for walking out, I then dont want to visit anymore, over period of time feel so guilty and goo over for the same thing to get repeated. "No contact" is popping onto my head more and more these days and that is why I found this site.
Visit if you must, but only until your tolerance level is reached then get up and walk out.
Seek a therapist for help. Professionals, whether MD or Lawyer or Accountant or Therapist have their place in this world and this is one of them.
With good therapy you will come to inner peace and acceptance that your parents were and are and always will be very flawed folks. You have two choices for family. The one you are born to and the one you make yourself. You are down to that last one. Heal yourself, so you can make it good and stop the legacy of inadequacy now.
I wish you the very best. I know the path that is KNOWN, even when it is habitual and dark, the the path easiest to stay on. When you begin to make changes for yourself give yourself a huge pat on the back because it takes enormous courage. Your parents have had their lives. This is your one and only time for you. Make it as good as you are able to make it.
Ironic how the people who should feel guilt or remorse never feel any. That is because they are defective and have always been that way. They are not capable of love or caring and most times just pretend to be normal.
Visit them as much or as little as you like. Whatever option keeps you sane.
Only you can decide to stop feeling guilty about how little you actually want to be around them.
Your issue seems to be the other way up. What are your parents' needs, what do you feel is expected of you, and what would you like to do about any mismatch between that and what you're comfortably able to do?
I would like accountability for when they say and do mean things. What happens is they say and do mean things I put up a boundary, they discredit it, I walk out (calmly and politely now and say I love you) and they tell me how selfish I am for walking out, I then dont want to visit anymore, over period of time feel so guilty and goo over for the same thing to get repeated. "No contact" is popping onto my head more and more these days and that is why I found this site.