I snapped. I ran away. Now what do I do?

Oh, MY God - - Be GOOD TO YOURSELF. You are taking care of yourself and you need to do that. Your husband is being a selfish oaf at best and he deserves whatever hell he is now having to wade through on his own. It is not uncommon for DIL to be the caregivers for hubbies parents, even after divorce. How about that little nugget? I so wish I could offer you some practical help, but all I can do is cheer you on. There are some caregiver "break" programs, but I don't know where you are, but please, please, NO GUILT! You NEED to take care of yourself FIRST. Remember that. You are a good person who was "played" by a lying and LAZY husband. Shame on him, not on you.

Mimsey, we are glad to hear from you, and will pray for your safe travels soon to see Mom. You know when you are already stressed and going nuts more things just seem to go wrong! But, if your MIL does NOT get good care while you are gone, it is NOT your fault and NO ONE could fault you from taking time to see your own mother!!!!! You can be generous and leave him a checklist when you go if you want, but the responsibility really does need to rest where it belongs, on HIS shoulders - and not on your already heavy heart!

opps - WITH HIS PERMISSION - my situation was a bit different from that of Mimsy. I went away for a long break WITH hubby's blessing. It saved my life!!

Sadly, even those who love us can sometimes be blind and more than willing to 'sacrifice' us to the care of someone THEY love. My own hubby just could not SEE what caring for his mom these last 8 years were doing to ME! Wish his permission - I ran away from home last year - a year ago on Sunday. When I came back we set boundaries and he now takes her to all her appointments - before - every single thing was done by me. He now 'knows' that even the simple task of going to/from the doctor is anything but easy when it includes wheelchairs and forgetful parents who cannot be left alone or they will end up in the wrong office. I have even laughed to myself as I watch him struggle to get his mother into the car. Mean, I know, but good to see. He has apologized for not 'seeing' how hard it all was on me for so long.

Aside from 2-3 mini crisis a year - things are kinda/sorta stable for now. But the dynamics have forever changed and will NEVER go back to the way they were.

So, I hope Mimsy stands her ground. IF IT IS TO BE - IT IS UP TO ME!! If we lay back down - THEY WILL walk on us - even though they may not mean to hurt us.

Some promises are made to be broken - especially the 'no nursing home' promise. That is one we should NEVER make - because things change - circumstances change - our health - both physical AND emotional may fail us. What then? All we can count on is CHANGE and we MUST change with the times. And some 'times' a facility is absolutely necessary. The life and health of a care giver is JUST AS IMPORTANT as that of the charge.................. my 2 cents.

Thank you for the update. I really hope Mimsy can find peace. It's a great idea to go somewhere else for a while and taking care of her own mother can help minimize any guilt she might feel about her home situation. Go Mimsy!

So sorry, try as I will, my voice recognition fouled on the last paragraph, so here it is again:

This trip to visit with AND CARE TAKE her mom, while also visiting and taking some pressure off her sister, I believe will be an excellent opportunity for her to detach and to allow her husband to see how much HE can handle. He may find this is an excellent opportunity to PLACE HIS mom where she gets THE 24 /7 care she most likely needs.

Mimsey UPDATE - since there are probably too many background postings to read, especially for someone who has just found this thread, below the update, I'm going to give a recap of what has happened prior to Mimsey's posting this morning (8.21.13)

In addition to her recent posting, Mimsey wrote me personally and wanted me to be sure to let EVERYONE here know that the outpouring of suport she received helped her to maintain her sanity in an otherwise impossible situation. She is VERY appreciative and thanks each and every one who reached out to her.

After her car is repaired, she intends to visit her mom and her sister and relieve her sister for a much needed break of taking care of their mom. Because of Mimsey's responsibilities to her MIL, she has not been able to help her sister and mother prior to now.

HOORAY! MIMSEY!!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(up until now)

Mimsey told her husband she was not coming home until MIL passed away or was placed in a home.

After "running away" from home, Mimsey later met with hubby and agreed that she would move back home into their previously constructed separate apartment but not be responsible for ANY of MIL's caretaking, which would be left to hubby to figure out.

As you can tell from today's post, that may not be working out too well as there are sanitary and cleanliness problems. We caregivers have all worked through those situations (or are still trying to) but hubby is either in denial. or is unable to handle his mother. In result, Mimsey is still on the alert and feeling the stress of coaching her hubby.

This trip to visit with Aunt and her mom, while also visiting and taking some pressure of her sister, I believe will be an excellent opportunity for her to detach and allow her husband to see how much she can handle. He may find this an excellent opportunity to finally places mom where she gets to 24 /7 care she most likely needs.

Go see YOUR mother. Hubby can take care of his. Keeping you in our thoughts!

Good for you! I can feel your pain if my family do not wake up soon to how much stress im under here ill have to leave too. Ive felt guilty about leaving for too long and then one day you wake up and POW! thats it I cant do this anymore OH I could do this with my familys support but not alone. Really feel for you I just hope your husband wakes up and does something now BUT if he does he does in the meantime look after yourself treat yourself have some fun get to know who you were before this. Already there must be a relief that you have a little peace! What you did was brave and so important for you and your health if your husband could not see what this was doing to you and helping you then you did exactly the right thing. I just hope I dont have to run too as she is my mum but this stress will kill me if I stay much longer. Let us know how you are getting on! We are all here PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK!

Hi Mims - great to hear from you! You're may be experiencing a little depression which keeps you in bed longer then most. Sometimes its just exhaustion from everything you've been through, kind of a let down after having to do what you used to do for so very long. Sometimes you need some of that quiet time for healing. If that need to languish goes on for too long however, it may be best to check in with the doctor about it. Your brain chemistry maybe temporarily out of whack from all the stress you experienced and may continue to experience.

Because you're a caregiver mentality, wanting the best for people, you are sort of still managing your MIL from a distance, not only because of the smell (hahaha) but also because in your heart you want to make sure that your husband isn't taking care of his mother poorly. So sorry about your car accident. You don't make it sound as if you were hurt so I'm hoping it was just a mild fender bender. A trip to your sisters to give her a break and take care of your mom sounds like an excellent diversion. It will get you away from the daily thought (and odor) of your MIL in addition to leaving it all up to your husband without your constant need to focus on whether he is seeing to her or not.

When you later get home from your moms, if things are out of control, you may have other decisions to make. Only time will tell. Keep posting!

I want to thank all of you from my heart. I have been offline for quite awhile. For whatever reason, I could not seem to drag myself out of bed before 1 or 2 PM, and then I did not DO anything. I am beginning to get a grip on things, though. I am pretty much "forcing" my husband to follow through on his promise to take over the caregiving for his mother. I have to do a LOT of prompting: Did you check her room to remove the soiled pull-ups that she leaves all over the room? Did you remember to administer her medication? Etc., etc., etc.
I know I should probably just keep my mouth shut and let him discover what is involved in taking care of her. I try to, but I am not always successful. For one thing, the SMELL gets to me. {shudder!} She does not shower or bathe. She leaves soiled disposable undergarments (what I call "pullups") all over her room and bathroom. Her body just plain STINKS! But I am getting better at disassociating myself from her care. My biggest problem now is that my own mother needs care and I cannot go help. My younger sister (bless her!) is taking care of Mom by herself. I eel so guilty tha I have not gone to give my sister a break. I have decided that I am going to do that. Unfortunately, just as soon as I made up my mind to go (i'ts nearly 500 miles away) take care of Mom for a while to give my sister a break, I had a minor one-care accident. My car is still in the shop. But I still plan to go to my Mom's, just as soon as my car is in shape for a long trip. Not only do I want to give my sister a break, but I want to see my Mom! I don't think I am nuts to plan to do this. I thik it is a necessity.

I know how you are feeling. I am caring for my mother, my sister and my husband who all three have different medical challenges. I do not get a lot of help from my siblings, I too feel like running away but I have nowhere to run. I am losing myself in each one and cant seem to have my life, don't give in stand your ground.

mimsey, I can relate to yur problem. We have had our MIL for 10 years. At first lots of health and care needs(changing feet woound bandages every day for 3 yrs-which I did) We built a home with a separate 1 bed cottage(hers) she has never really liked me, but came to head here and she accused me of saying nasty things etc. I stood up said "have a nice life and left" I did not talk to her for a month, my husband had to take over all her dr visits, weekly hair appt. That was 2 yrs ago, I do talk a little, take her 2 x's a yr to hearing aid checkup because I have my mom living close by in AL. so I take them together for appt, lunch and shopping. that is it. she says things and I smile-not much else. I am happy and of course my husband is not! Part is my problem, I mentioned yrs ago when we retired that we should move back here to be near to help our mothers. His just turned 90 and mine will be 95 in 2 weeks. Certainly is a challenge. I went a got a 1 1/2 day part time job to get out of the house and still have it. At church we have a small group of women and we get together every month or more. do for you, it is not selfish and can be done. Best to you and prayers.

This is a place where we can express our opinions. We are different people, and we will have different opinions.

I really must respond to Crystalann and anyone else presuming to know what goes on behind closed doors. We do not know Mimsey and cannot know her -- or anyone else here, though we can offer support and commonality in a life situation that well-folk do not understand. People can grow and change -- and Mimsey as you are growing and changing, perhaps (who knows) your husband might too. Or not. To thine one self be true. Sending hugs. Jessica

Oh, Mimsey--I'm so glad you posted even a little bit!
So glad you seem to be doing OK!
Please do keep us posted! We'll wait!

Hi Mimsey, I don't know how you feel about pets (and if you're fond of them, don't just run out and do this), but tons of research shows how pets and animals can improve the quality of our life, physically and emotionally. Could one of your social outlets be to volunteer at a local humane society. With a little time, experience and interaction with other volunteers, you might find that you'd like to get a dog or a cat. Cats are more or less home buddy animals, or an adopted dog could help you be more social and meet new friends, like going to the dog park, participating in dog training classes, maybe even agility competition or even just going to the people park. You'd have to evaluate ahead of time how a dog might integrate into the new activities you're doing with your sons. So, obviously you can't just jump into it but its something to think about, when or if the time is right.

Your current agreements with hubby sound perfect and a date for revaluation is an excellent idea. Tho it's certainly not a requirement, you may come to a place of peace and balance that even allows you to communicate with your MIL if you want to, knowing she is no longer your responsibility and you can walk away anytime you want. This has to have given you such feelings of freedom and confidence. We are also thrilled for your stamina and resolve. What a trooper!

DON"T go back, EVER! Obviously he was never interested in you as a person. You were just an employee. Don't back down, live your life. If someday he wakes up and realizes what he gave-up make sure he's interested in YOU. Not getting back the convenience that you provided. He needs to express to you what HE did wrong and to earn YOUR trust. Don't give that unless you feel his sincerity.

Mimsey - so glad you are safe and well. We were all so worried about you. It sounds like you handled your husband extremely well - so proud of you! I am glad you are not interfering with the level of care your husband is giving your MIL even though it may be substandard to your care. Even after he has been in the trenches with her awhile, please try not to back down and go off track on your personal commitments to yourself. He can hire aides to pick up the slack, or he may finally back down and decide for himself that the best place for her is in a NH after all. He has to go through this reality check in order to really see the situation from your perspective. At this stage of life, I hope he comes to the realization that you have sacrificed so many years for him, and now he needs to make some sacrifices if he wants to salvage your marriage. He has a lot to make up for with you. Well, I think I may have said a bit too much, but I got carried away. I really wish you all the best.

Mimsey; You and all of us are given whats needed to go "through" anything we come up against. And God is giving to you each day all you require. I know when I went through what I did, I truly did not know how it was going to be possible, but I made it, and you will too. I also found out His grace is not only sufficient, but more than enough Mimsey. Just rest in it now, and always keep your eyes on Jesus. He will help you, and loves you sooooo much. God Bless you Mimsey.

Mimsey, keep on keeping on, and keep posting here! We have your back! B in NYC

Mimsey, I am so glad that you were able to work out some sort of compromise and also glad that you were wise enough to build in a deadline! It still sound trying at best but you now have an opportunity to get your feelings in order and your husband knows you are serious and capable of leaving if you are unhappy. It will take a while to fully feel well and I wish you all the best. Hope you keep us posted on how it is going for you !

I would also add that getting counseling would be extremely helpful. It can be hard sometimes for us to establish boundaries for ourself of any kind if it is a habit not to do so. Guilt can creep in, even when we are doing something healthy for ourselves. Counseling is an awesome tool for this. I can speak from experience because my husband and I lived in a similar apartment to what you describe in my own MILs house in our 30s. Anything requiring plumbing meant I had to go intot he main house. I once drove to a gas station to go to the restroom just to avoid her! She didn't need care (we lived there for financial reasons to pay off huge debt) but I reached a point where I needed to avoid interaction with her. You are a brave person!

It isn't that strange, I don't think. Actually, it's good that you have a living area where you can be on your own and avoid interaction. I might even go so far as to get a tiny fridge and microwave and then you don't even need to go into the main house to eat.

Getting a job and interests outside the home is a great idea and way to create more independence for yourself. Libraries are great places to go for activity and even social interaction in some communities. If you live near a park or pond or something like that, those are great places to go and find peace. Having a time limit will also help you and can always be extended if you want or need it to be.

Be strong and continue to rebuild YOUR life. You can do it!

Butterfly, my condolences on the loss of your husband, but I give thanks that he is now out of pain and in a better place. Hope the funeral is a good time of remembrance and gathering and that the gloom and doom that probably hung over much of the last few months is lifted from everyone's minds. You know he would much rather be looking down and seeing smiles on everyone's faces as they remember the man he was in better times. May it be so and the best to you going forward with your life.

Oops, didn't notice this is an old post with over 120 responses! LOL... I just wanted to get my message of support out to you quickly.

Mimsey, that is a strange arrangement. So is your husband doing all the care your MIL needs or does she have aids coming in? I don't know if you can keep this up (I doubt I could). I image it's hard on you, your husband and your MIL. Good that you are getting out sometimes. Hopefully you'll meet some friends soon. Good luck in the future, no matter what comes about.

Mimsey, you do what you have to do. If you're feeling better, that is the main thing - your health. May I ask - is MIL being taken care of by someone else? You are one brave, awesome woman for going back and yet building a life for yourself with your sons; you have tons of friends on this sharing site. Know I am praying for you and really admire your stamina. I'll probably not be contributing much any more. My husband of 10 days short of 42 years passed away peacefully on July 21, 2013, here at home. He was in tremendous pain with his brain tumor - it is such a blessing and we have his funeral tomorrow, July 27th. He was a loving husband to me and our children. I may keep up for a few more posts, but I'll be signing off one of these days. Love, Blessings and Prayers for and yours, Mimsey. xxxooo

Hopefully you have a place to go to... kids, siblings, etc. Whatever you do, don't go back till hubby has had a good long time alone with momma and figures out a solution. Find a job, Waitress? Front Desk Clerk? Checker at a Grocery store? Anything to give yourself purpose and some spending money. You also want your husband to know you are serious. A job, and eventually an apartment or room somewhere will help prove it.

I commend you! She is not your mother and not your responsibility anymore. 8 years is long enough!

Words fail me when I try to express to you all what your support means to me and how much you have helped/are helping me. I’m sorry to have worried you by not getting back in touch.
I tried communicating with hubby via email. (I wouldn’t accept cell phone calls & kept my GPS turned off.) His only email replies were “Please come home.” We finally met on “neutral ground” at a restaurant to discuss his mother’s care. My position then – and now – is that I am no longer willing or able to care for her.
After a lengthy, strange, discussion (more like 20 Questions several times over), I finally learned that Hubby’s being so dead-set against placing his mother in long-term care has nothing to do with money, as he’s always claimed. His real reason is that he “wants her to die at home.” Oops. Impasse.

We finally compromised as follows:
When we (I) began caring for my MIL, we built an extension onto her house for us to live in. Our apartment consists of an office/study, bedroom, large bath, and double walk-in closet, with our own separate door to the outside. The office/study of our apartment connects to the hallway of the main house. When my MIL is out of her room, I am self-exiled to our apartment or the outdoors. When she is asleep or off the premises, I enter the main house to do things I must do there (laundry, cooking, etc.). I do not see her, speak to her, cook for her, take her to the doctor or the hair dresser, help her dress, pick out her clothes, try to get her to shower or change her underwear, administer her meds -- nothing. I don’t even respond to her if she sees me and speaks to me. I literally do not interface with my MIL at all. Period.

It sounds extreme. And it is. But it seems to be working. I no longer have constant stomach cramps and diarrhea. I think I’ve finally stopped losing weight. No panic attacks in days, and I’ve been able to stop taking Clonapin.
It’s not a perfect solution, but I’m willing to try it until the end of the summer. (I feel better setting a time limit.) I’ve been so cut off that I literally have no friends in this entire area. But, I’ve started going places on my own or with one or both of my sons. I’m trying to get my life back and keep my marriage, too, in that order. I’m not sure if that is even possible. I guess I’ll find out.

Hugs and blessings to all of you for being here for me.

I know God watches over all of us Mimsey and I'm so glad to hear from you. ysic, southernyankee.