I am slowly going nuts! What can I do?

Ken, and please remember - no one is going to take care of you BUT you. You can see that so many here are concerned about your well-being. When I told my mom - who still lives independently - that others were concerned about me because of my stress, she didn't care. It was all about her. It sounds like your mom is also a narcissist (sp?!) and you need to be kind to you...as kind as you have been to her. It's too easy to get caught up in the web. Please take to heart the good advice others have offered you...and make a change.

does your mother like and trust her doctor? would she listen to him/her if the doctor talked to her about trying to get out and get some contact with other people? I have found that sometimes, as sons/daughters/husbands/wives our advice falls on deaf ears, but hearing that same advice from someone else (a doctor or priest, for example) is listened to. I know that is frustrating (my mother and my husband are both that way), but it is something I have learned.

Get "The Sims 3" and encourage her to play. She can micromanage, spy on and generally control them to her hearts content. The activity would be good for her dexterity too.

Ken, you can see the general consensus of opinion here is that your Mom is the adult kid, and you are the Adult in Charge. You are driving yourself into the ground by continuing to let her call the shots. It will not be easy at first, but you need to decide schedules, routines, activities, personal time, etc. Set up a plan that works for YOU, while assuring that your Mom's basic needs are met. If you want to enjoy the TV, music, or whatever, do that and let her go to her room if she wants to. You DO NOT have to cater to her every whim and wish. Try to take some time away from the house each day as well. You must already do that in order to go food shopping, yes? She will survive if you take a break for yourself. As others have said, call in some outside help to give you some respite also. Ask the doctor to order a home health nurse eval to figure out what she qualifies for, # of hrs & how many weeks. The service will coordinate with her medical insurance carrier(s). Then just do it. If they assign her an aide, you need give her a list of things you need her to do for Mom (things you need help with - ex: bathing her 2x /wk, ironing for 30 min/wk, etc.) Tell Mom nurse (or aide) will be visiting this week, and to see how it goes. For sure she will object and say she does not want anyone else in the house (my Mom was livid about it). Guess what? After 2 days, she loved the aide! BTW, you need to leave the house after you have oriented the aide, and giver her your cell# in case anything critcal comes up. I always asked the aide to call me at work before she left the house to give a me report on what she did and how Mom behaved with her. We all feel for you - Good Luck, and keep us posted!

FaceBook page: Daughters of Narsissictic Mothers.

Thanks for all the feedback! Really I appreciate it all.
She IS my mother! She does not have dementia, but she is not very mobile. I can't really leave her alone for very long ( although I sometimes do ). I know she is very lonely, but she isn't interested in going anywhere or making new friends. I don't give in to her all that much. Like someone said, when she goes to her room I usually say " fine, come out when you feel like it. I'll still be here ".

2TiredinFlorida: I too am faced with this same dilemma however my mother cannot be left alone for long periods of time. If your Mom is able to be by herself I would seek employment just to get out of the house. Working will give you money, self esteem and hopefully provide a new group of friends.

If Mom cannot be left alone, is she eligible for an in home caregiver? Maybe through Medicaid? I know you said she doesn't want someone in her house, but honestly I use to let my Mom call ALL THE SHOTS and I no longer do. This seems cruel but someone opened my eyes to the fact that I was letting a mentally incompetent woman with dementia run the house. I finally had to stand up to her and say "NO Mom, this is the way it is going to be..... I received a lot of flack but it gets past that as time goes on.

What it sounds like is your Mom is suffering with depression and possibly dementia and she is just waiting until she dies. She has nothing else to live for, she has you but she feels like you don't really need her so she has nothing in her life to keep living for and most likely says things, like "I will be glad when I am gone!" This shakes you up for a while as you are trying to save this person and they are wishing for death.

Currently I am seeking a new doctor for Mom and hopefully medication that will help with this exact behavior and I would strongly suggest you do the same. It is hard to go to the doctor with them and say these things in front of them, so a couple of times I have written a letter to the doctor and given it to them instructing the doctor to read it BEFORE ENTERING THE ROOM, just so they are up to speed on what is happening.

I hear you. Right now my dear Mother is pacing outside of my room because I am on the computer. Drives me completely mad. What I have to do is leave the home. I know it is not ideal but that is the only way that I can get a few hours to myself without a 90 year old woman staring at every move that I make. It is ironic that she was not very interested in me as a child but now I guess I am fascinating because all she does is stare at me. I am so over this. This is a good place to vent and get some good suggestions because a lot of us are in the same boat. So I think a PS is a great idea - just put it in your room and put a lock on your door. We are caregivers - not slaves and not pets!

Another way is to find a good care home for her, where she will have people who will be able to understand her and who are well trained to deal with such situations.

I think it is not good to ignore your mum at this stage. There are things one can do with a person suffering from Dementia. How about activities like BINGO, taking them for exercises or a day out instead of sitting at one place.

Hi 2TiredInFlorida! you have gotten a lot of feedback along the lines of "just ignore her and do what you need to". this is true, but I know it is waaay easier said than done. As one previous poster said, I think it will really help if you can start to change the way you think about your mom, think of her more as an adult child now, than as your mother. One approach that I take with my young son, (as well as my elderly mother!), is to be "loving but firm". that means that I tell them, for example, "I love you, and I want to take care of you, but to do that I need to take care of myself too". If she threatens to shut herself in her room, just calmly tell her "ok, if that's what you need to do. feel free to join me when you want to", or something along those lines. And do come to the forums and vent when you need to! it really helps to connect with others who understand how challenging elder care can be.

Until you decide - for yourself - that you have a right to a peaceful, healthy life, the situation will not change. You have to be the change; you know your mom will NEVER change. I hope you find your way out of this because - and I know from experience - it can be debilitating to the healthiest of caregivers.

Someone on some TV show (maybe Oprah?) used to say that we teach other people how to treat us. You've taught your mom not to value you, your independence or your happiness. You need to retrain her about what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior from one adult human being to another.

You're not her slave. You're her loving son. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, just like she does. Sit down and have a calm discussion about her behavior and how it bothers you. Tell her how you expect to be treated - you deserve time to do what you find fun/enjoyable without her complaints about it. When she starts going off on you the next time (and there will be a next time), calmly tell her that you won't accept that kind of behavior or language and you're leaving until she can treat you with the respect you deserve. Then calmly leave the room/house. Stay away for a while (5-10 minutes). When you come back in, if she starts in again, repeat again that you're leaving because she's not treating you with respect. Then you leave again. She'll quickly learn that you will only stay around her (and provide for her) if she treats you with the respect you deserve as another human being. It will be hard at first, because she won't understand or expect you to set limits on her complaining behavior. But since you're her link to the rest of the world, she is dependent on you and what you can do for her. You hold all of the cards!

You deserve your place in the world just as much as she does. She's had her life and is coming to the final line. You've got lots of time left. Don't let her take away your joy and happiness. Being a loving caregiver doesn't mean that you have to give up your whole life and be miserable while catering to her every whim. I'd also get a TV in my room, so I could play the Playstation in there. Let her sit and stew and find a place where you can be alone and do what you want to do. Good luck!!

I must be a frustrated playwright. I love writing dialog for people. What words does she use when she "makes" you do what she wants? Give me some examples, and I will suggest things you can say that are not nasty, but strong.

I think reading a book or listening to music or watching a movie are all pastimes that would be good for you. I agree with bookluvr, why let mom tell you what you can and can't do? These are perfectly reasonable things to do if you're shut up in the house. If your mom wants to stare at a blank wall or spy on the neighbors let her. Doesn't mean you have to do those things too. You're an adult. Do what you want.

Ken! ( sorry I called you Ted before. Deja vu )
When is it going to be About YOU?! Come on!
You have 20-30 good years left in this life. I support you, Brother:) xo

Thanks about done! I was simply asking for ways to cope. I am an only child! She has nobody else but me. Thanks for the thoughts. Yes I do worry about my own health. I have afib, possibly related to my stress level. I have been doing this for six years now. Before that I had both of them for a year. Before that I was caregiver for many friends dying of AIDS, for some years. I understand burnout and just need a way to deal with it. Where I live there is absolutely no support. We live in a cheap county. They don't even have meals on wheels!

Well first thing I have 3 parents, 2 kids (4 &9) with me. So let me say the first thing is to try to not take one thing they say personally. What I mean by that is if your neighbor said those things what would you say/do? My mother-in-law throws more temper tantroms then my 4 year old. She is no longer you "mom" but your adult kid. So now you have to be the parent. Set boundries, have rules. Have a schedule. lay down the law. If you don't something could mentally/physically happen to you & then your mom is all alone. Now how is that going to work? Just a few thoughts, Ones which I'm trying to use every day.

No, he said that she will not allow strangers in her own home. He is respecting her wishes. However, sometimes promises can be broken if the burden is way too much for you...when your mom reaches that stage, I hope you know this. Pride is not worth it if she suffers due to you respecting her wishes. Know when it's time to call the calvary (uhm...hospice, home care people, etc..)
...
I think everyone has said it so I won't repeat. Only YOU can determine how much control your mother have on you. Have you done some serious introspection? WHY are you allowing your mother to control your actions? WHAT is it that you want in life at this late stage? How LONG do you think you both will live like this before you finally are able to live your own life? Are you willing to wait that long?

Truly, if you have no goals in life, your mother will continue to control or rule yours. Once you decide what YOU want, and brainstorm the different scenarios, I think you will start to find the spark of life and independence WITHIN you. If you really want something bad, you will find a way to deal with your mother and have a life outside of the home -if she's capable of caring for herself for a couple of hours. Please think about this.

Otherwise, just ignore her. My father is like your mother. He doesn't even like it when I laugh with people. He orders me to turn off the TV and that he hates the computer that I'm on. I just make the TV louder so that I can hear, and continue to type on the laptop. If he keeps pushing it, I turn around and tell him that I Pay for the cable and I darn well will watch when I feel like it. He can have the TV off the whole day while I'm at work. But when I'm home, I will do my thing. I hope you figure out how much you're willing to find some kind of independence from your mom that you can live with.

Well it is okay to vent, but you need to start off by saying you are just venting. You really don't want to make any difficult changes, sounds like you have decided she is first and you don't count. Sorry to hear that; but not going to make suggestions and waste my time.

Well thanks for the suggestions. No she would never allow a strange inside her house! Even when my father was bad, she didn't want strange people coming in to help her. She cared for him by herself.
I made a promise, that I would never put either of them into a home. She has told me to do so many times. I think she does that just to spite me. I know she would die, if she were put into a home. As much as I need to vent, I would never do that to her.

Can your mother basically take care of her own needs? I would suggest that you not let her manipulate your emotions...just keep playing the playstation...she will get tired of being in her bedroom all the time. As long as you let her manipulate you, you will have no life, set some boundaries. I feel for you, Hugs!!

Did you take her with you when you went to buy the play station? If she can be left alone, I think you should tell her you need to have a life. I cannot believe how selfish some of these old people are. She seems to biding her time until she dies, and she will probably want to take you with.
I'm sorry you let her manipulate you, but any changes will have to be forced by you. You must know this?
Is it financially possible to place her? It may sound cruel to some who would Never leave their parent's side, but each of us in entitled to a Real Life. Rebel against the Narcissist Machine, Ted:) xo