How do you keep your sanity when caring for both of your parents?

I really feel for your situation, bittersweet7. It sounds so hopeless. My mother has Alzheimer's, but is still ambulatory. I get no help from my sibling. All she does is complain that I'm not doing enough, but when I suggest Mom stay with her at her house for a few days (to give me a break), she says absolutely not. Seems that those with a good heart tend to suffer more than those who don't have one. I wish I could offer advice, but all I can offer is my prayers.

Steve

Are there any non-profit organizations that can help? I know that here in Atlanta there are several private non-profit family services that can offer in-home assistance at reduced rates, and there are also some volunteer organizations that can look in periodically on an elderly parent, perhaps enough to give someone a break. I would think Texas may offer something like that.

you would think that the government would reward you for having such a big heart and losing out on life and money to take care of your parents. Every state should pay the caregiver even MORE if it is family or at least the same! It takes a special person to NOT put their parents in a nursing home. You are all amazing people and Im sorry for your pain but know I am right there with you all. We were brought up believing to care for our parents when they get old and no matter how hard it gets -we will go on and do our best every day. Even when no one else appreciates us - we have each other! I appreciate all of you guys out there! though its rough we will persevere and it wont get easier but we will have moments. Just make sure all this time and energy your putting into caring for your loved ones IS LOVING!! happiness and patience will make it all worth while and listening. ;)

Hi Gilboa, Thanks for sharing. It is stressful being a caregiver to both parents. I am in the same boat as you. Being stressed up and with anxiety, I made a couple of bad decisions which I would not if I take time to think through carefully. Try to take some time out for yourself, Gilboa, we need that. Go for a workout or meet up with your friends. Get away from your caregiver's role for that moment. We need that in order to stay sane. Don't give up...there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Are you able to engage your siblings or any services you know to help out during certain days which you need timeout? Don't hesitate to ventilate your issues if you need a listening ear. That's what we are here for..Do take care..You are not alone..We are here for you. Take care!!

I am reading about so many issues people have with their aging parents. My mother just lost her 3rd husband who she was married to for 4 years. Mum has always suffered from depression I am sure. She phoned again tonight in tears and when you try and offer advice she puts it back on me and states that she won't ring again and bother me. She phones my sister and I at all times of the night and abuses us on the phone. Most times you can tell she has been drinking and there is no way you can get through to her. My sister made an appointment with her doctor and mum started going to couselling but has only had 2 visits. She repeats everything over and over again and when you tell her she has already told me she gets angry and hangs up. Tonight was horrific, I tried saying to her that she must stop crying and going crazy over the phone and listen to what we are trying to help her with. But she keeps saying don't worry I will sort things out myself and then hangs up. Numerous ocassions my sister and her husband have driven down to her place which is 100kms away and either stayed overnight or brought her back to their home. She is alright for a day or so and then starts the calling and says she went off at someone at the bank or some other company and I am sure people are sick of it too. I love Mum but can't handle the abuse she dishes out. We are only trying to help. I know what it is like to be on your own as I am by myself as well. I am of the belief she is in the stages of dementia but to try and talk calmly with her she will still not listen. Its difficult to get through especially when she seems to be ok the next day and she doesn't realize what stress she has put us through.

I chose to stay home at age 23 to help father with mom's beginning stage of dementia. He retired to caregive fulltime, and I took over after work. We have asked and asked his other 7 children for help. It remained just the 2 of us. 2 years ago, father had a slight stroke and refused to get off the bed. I believe he grabbed at the first excuse to stop caregiving mom...his inability to walk or move his left arm (which he can move.) I had assumed with 2 bedridden parents, my oldest brother with his wife and 3 grown children living right next door to us - would come and help me. Nope! I told them straight out that I will not give up my job. They didn't care - it's not their problem. I had to ask my oldest sis to babysit parents Mon-Friday while I worked. Younger sis paid her 20 year old daughter to babysit on Saturday mornings (I work). Just in January of this year, oldest sis moved in. Nothing has changed - even with her moving in. She will see my changing mom's dead weight pampers at night ...she just walks by without stopping to help. Just the other night, I was so exhausted, I only meant to sit down after changing their pampers. I fell asleep! Mom was still uncovered. Sis had walked by to go outside to smoke. She didn't even cover mom with the blanket!!
I have text to all my siblings that my therapist said if I continue the way I am, I will kill myself from exhaustion or land in the hospital. I asked for help .... Nothing! So, I have compared my posting of last year to this year. What I see are new symptoms ...I'm blacking out, dizziness now daytime and not just at nights, chest pains, shoulder pains more frequent.

How do I cope? I can't wait to get up in the morning to go to work!! Work is my sanity from this house. I have had people re-affirm to me that I'm pretty or smart or have a great smile, or friendly, etc... Compliments from people who are NOT family sure hits the heart and my self-esteem!

P.S.. A few years ago, after I came back from my week vacation (spent at home), my boss had a talk with me. He said that whenever I take leave from work, I came back worse than when I left. He suggested that when I take my next leave, to pretend as if I’m still going to work, and then spend the days on my own. If family calls me at work, he will say that I’m out on the road and to call my cell phone….I’ve been doing this ever since. It sure helps A LOT with de-stressing!

Ditto to ALL of the above, and I mean ALL. Well, maybe not the marijuana one, but I know nothing about that. I am not discounting it, since I've never tried it. If that helps, I figure go for it. There is some very good advice on this thread. I can see a big difference when I have a good attitude and when I have a bad one. it is not easy to have a good attitude, I know that. it is also not easy to take time for yourself. I have been working on this for two months since Mom has been here full time. I've had her part time for 4.5 years. She is an unhappy person, and I always tried every trick in the book to make her unhappy, but it's useless, so I have to take another road and try to stay happy myself. FB, this forum, walks when I can get out help. When it is nice outside, even having Mom sit on the patio and watch birds help me and she enjoys it, too. I live in a RED STATE, too, 2prntsnohlp and I agree completely. DO NOT get old in a red state, unless you have long term insurance and lots of money or a good attorney who can help hide your assets and take advantage of medicaid which was for the truly indigent. They do not care about you unless you are wealthy. There are a lot of nice assisted living places if you have money. If you have worked hard your whole life and have just run out of money because you are 91, but still have too much for medicaid, you are kind of stuck in an abyss. I have not checked out medicaid facilites for more than one reason, but I am tryng very hard to find other sources to help me. I haven't checked on non-profit caregiving or church groups and don't know really where to start, but I am still trying. That was an idea that appealed to me. I have found a caregiving service that costs $12.50 an hour, but I haven't used them, yet. I don't have the money to pay them, and I am trying to get my sister to agree to let me spend the money. She is going to take Mom for one week next month so I can have a break. Just knowing that has opened a whole realm of possibilities to me to have a semblence of a real life. I have not had a day off for two months, and I know that doesn't sound like much to you after all the time you've been house bound, but it is for me like living with someone you don't care for much as a person, one who always sees the negative, and always wants to be where she isn't at the time. this has always been true, but now even more than ever. She continuously membles under breath, and I've overheard the hateful, spiteful and negative things she goes over and over. It's never "Oh, I'm going to try to be considerate, today", or "I am so lucky that I have a daughter who lets me live in her beautiful, bright home and has given up her well paying job to take care of me". Lol. It's more like, "I;m not going to be told that I have a memory problem" or " wonder why Carol (my sister) never calls". Oh well, I do get a perverse kick out of some of those things. This too shall pass, so "they" say! We all here for each other.

Reverseroles, I like your answer. I'm going on my 3rd year, with both my parents, Mom(Dementia)- Dad(Alzheimer's), and "join the club", by the way. There are times when I feel, I'm in my own "prison". Went to support groups in the past. They were great, and very helpful, and I learned so much. And I was even able to help others at times, with their situations. Not able to attend the support groups anymore, but hope to in the future. I too, do a lot of singing. We have a surround sound karaoke system, and I perform the classics for them. They love it. At the same time, I'm relieving some stress. They join in at times. After all I got my talent from them. I keep up with my workouts 3 times a week, at home, of course. And I'm really thankful, and grateful, to the organization, Alzheimer's Association. They helped me get respite. I was able to actually take my time with friends, went to the movies, and went bowling, which I haven't did in years. Didn't get a whole weekend off, or travel, or nothing like that. But those 8hours off on those days, really made a difference. And I had the best Caregiver, my Daughter, she worked for a board and care home. She's my parents favorite Grand kid. How great was that. And she brought new Ideas, and activities in the picture. Man, I almost lost my job.(LOL). Good luck to you, I'd like to find more time off. And keep up the singing. Sincerely, Daddydaycare.

I have been taking care of my parents for 16 years--they both acquired incurable, progressive, chronic, rare diseases at 50 and 58. I am an only child. My husband and I are financially ruined, we are both professionals but could not keep up with the appointments, and the demand of 24/7 and having careers. We decided to have a child before I turned 40. He is autistic. And now we are both having health issues from constantly being in a flight/fight situation. My parents were too young for Medicare, they were in an awful clinic HMO, but at least they had some type of insurance--until they were disabled and retired, etc...

I am very Catholic. My relationship with God is my complete strength. My church does not help me--respite care or cleaning--honestly I have not called and asked. But there are people who know what I am going through.

My few tricks along the way:
-choose the battles to fight
-call your Alliance for Aging NOW, there might be a waiting list, but maybe not, my mom is on the medicaid waiver and it has been a life saver
-if your parents have a particular ailment, sometimes contacting those organizations are helpful--they have insider information, for example: alzheimer's association or cancer association
-ask their doctors about Hospice care, if you are over 90, they will give to you, but even your parents are not 90 they still can have hospice care, the trick is to find a doctor that knows how to do it-- they can go in and out of hospice I think every 30 days? through medicare-- you get a break to actually create a better plan to take care of them--since it is both of them they can be in the same room.. HOspice call also be done at home.
May God Bless you and keep you.

I have been helping my parents for two years when I moved in with them from Northern Virginia. I quit my job to assist them with my father. My mother is home alone and we had the opportunity to take her to the Nursing home daily to spend time with my father but we are now on a Interdisciplinary plan and we are not allowed to see him accept twice a week. Now I am trying to comfort my mother and get our personal stuff done. This is insanity because she is struggling because she is worried that he is going to die and she can only see him for an hour a week. I am struggling because this is weighing my heart down to see her so upset. I am struggling because I do not know what to do financially because we are headed for a guardianship appointment by Adult Protective services and this is going to incur big financial cost for my parents.
What can we do? I hope that you keep your faith in the living GOd. Get the right help you need and protect yourself financially.

My heart goes out to all of you....my situation is not like this and I can only imagine what you are going through physically, mentally and emotionally. Check with Alzheimer's Assoc, local mental health group, contact an Elder Law atty...and, as luvpeople said, have faith in He Who can handle it all! I, too, am trying hard to "let go and let God:...not easy when you feel like you have been self-sufficient all your life because that is how you were raised.