Caregiver running on empty. Not sure where to go from here. Any suggestions?

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My mother fell and broke hip last Dec. She was in rehab for 3-months and never gained much mobility despite therapy.She is 86 yrs. old.
she was brought home and my brother and myself take care of her 24/7,although my brother has a day job which is only source of income.

We are under a caregiver contract in which our compensation from her for the caregiving is deposited in a joint acct between brother & myself to be used to purchase an interest in her property which is still in her name. The attorney set this up as asset protection if she has to go into a SNF.

My mother has a lot of medical problems which seem to be mounting each and every day. The Home Health has come to help with issues like treating pressure sores, however, they only come for a short time and give me instructions on how to deal with the problem.

The problem is the taxes on our compensation is about 30% of the compensation and when my mother's funds are depleted, we will not be able to pay the taxes on our compensation.

The attorney told us we could opt out of the contract, however this would cause a lien to be put on the family farm if my mother has to go to a SNF. My brother has his house on her property with no where else to go if this were to happen.

The caregiving duties are becoming more than we can handle physically and mentally. My husband is retired and helps me a lot with her care, but this is affecting our relationship and putting a huge strain on the marriage.

We are exhausted and feel our health is at risk due to the stress .

We don't know where to go from here!

Does anyone have a suggestion?

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Probably need to talk to an elder attorney about the financial situation. What state and county is the area in? Who is the homeowner? I don't think it is fair to leave the property "empty or foreclosed because funds are running out?" or anyone homeless, either.
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breaking, my heart goes out to you. Mom fractured her hip, but surgery was successful and it was a long rehab process.
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reverse mortgages have to be repaid, find a new lawyer
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check out the state laws in whatever state you live in. Living trust, not really sure what that entails. I know that some states have put into effect that if it is not given within so many years before the person going into a SNF then the state can step in and take it. Not sure what the rules are in your area, g
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My heart goes out to you as you struggle with these decisions.
Here is my advice, although limited in scope.
1) Call the lawyer. Make an appointment for you and your brother. 2) Cancel the contract. Say bye-bye to your lawyer. Find a way to compensate yourself and your brother for your caregiving. Be careful not to touch her S.S. checks or any other bank account that she may have. The ex-lawyer will be watching.
If life becomes unbearable, find a NH in which your mother will be comfortable, and let the nurses handle the bed sores on a daily basis.
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Could you, brother, and hubby potentially get a mortgage loan to buy the home from your mom for something resmbling fair market value, and pay that? Then the proceeds of the sale would be used for Mom's care, either to you as it is set up now, or to a facility. If a facility, then possibly you and brother would have more earning power as well. But the 30% loss of assets value to taxes sounds significant...that really does seem like an unusual arrangement, and I think I like the idea of a second legal opinion on the whole thing!
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I use raw unheated honey, spread on large bandaid, to keep my mom free from pressure sores... change bandage daily. Works faster than procedures used by nurse who came until I realized this.. Really fast healing if you catch it right away. Keep plenty on hand. Also try to reposition her often so she's not putting constant pressure on same areas. Also check for every possible source of help. I am now determined to take small total relaxation breaks throughout the day instead of constantly working.... My greatest salvation is depending on The Lord Jesus, spending time in fellowship through the Psalms. On purpose lots of kisses and hugs for mother, humor, singing, engaging her, making time for relationship interaction which can so easily be lost due to constant care requirements. To get rid of stress that I could actually feel moving in my back, I knew I had to rethink the situation and not allow the stress. It works. The mind and how you view everything is critical in addition to having some one to help and respite hours.
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Hi , I am a home caregiver CNA. I take care of alot of elderly with no family, and i have seen families come in and help My question is does your mom own her home? i have seen and heard of reverse mortgages the home is hers its her finances and could bring in licensed home health care private or an agency. To give you relief home care is not easy. I f you are choosing to keep her in the home and not a alf, or nursing home her home could be the answer..
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I agree with ferris1, above. If she were put in a facility, that would help you, your husband (your marriage!) and your brother. The finances would need to be worked out. But, continuing as is, is obviously a problem. Make the decision to get her and family help and then how to financially and legally support that decision.

FYI...there is a lot of talk on here about Hospice and because of a recent experience I had with Hospice, I learned that the program is not the same everywhere. For instance, where I live, due to limited staffing, Hospice could only come to the home 1-hour a day. With my situation, that wasn't going to be a help, and wouldn't be for "breaking" either. However, in my area, Hospice has free, in-patient hospital care, which is what we opted for. In comparison, a family member who has had Hospice in her home twice in the past five years...and lives in an adjoining state...was able to have Hospice during the entire day, several days a week. So, just thought I would provide info about how Hospice varies from community to community...program to program. It is not a 'one size-fits all' program or option. One needs to explore the program in their community, before making decisions or assumptions.
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At first glance, I don't want to minimize your tax situation, but you have bigger issues with your mother's pressure sores which if not properly cared for might go into septicemia and she would die at her age. My advice as a nurse, is to put her in a skilled nursing facility and let the professionals do the work. You and your husband will regain your relationship and your brother can live in his house on the farm. As a paralegal (it comes in handy with nursing), and my husband was an attorney, I do not recall any attorney setting up this kind of arrangement, but law is changing all the time to accommodate health care needs. I would however, get another legal opinion and see what other options you might have. Talk with your mother's doctor and see if he/she thinks she is near hospice status which should not cost anything. Best wishes.
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