My dad is married and was diagnosed with dementia 3yrs ago, he is alos married they've been married for almost 8 yrs. this past summer his wife had a stroke on her right side and I was to go to rehab. with me being my dads only child I had to step in and take control of him. She stated that she was tired and didnt want the burden of him anymore, which I automatically thought of him as part of me and my family. Until I was able to make the arrangemts the VA found a 30day respite care for him, ( more than 40 miles from there home, closer to mine) in which that gave me time to find a bigger home and make the adjustments needed. None the less she decided that she didn't want to give him to me and her answer was " as long as he's tied to her" which crushed me. He dosent want to me in nursing facility and we'd had it set to where he'd come home with me and I have someone thats reliable to help to take care of him while I worked. She decide that He couldnt come stay with me and that she didn't want him home , yet a nusrsing home is the best place. She includes me in the psych part of his care, yet because she lives so far she dosent take him out and won"t allow me to ,yet I can visit and be included in his IPOS meetings. She is only his conservator not his guardian. So my question is what rights do I have? can become his POA quardian and or conservator?howdo I bring him home with him "being tied to her"? IF not can I file for some sort of joint ship of him to be included and or part of the descion making that concerns him. She dosen't have his best intrest at heart. I was also told that the reason that she won"t remove him from the center closer to me is becasue her health isnt any good and if anything happens to her health wise he'll be close to me and also becasuse she lives so far if something goes wrong with him I'm close. I feel as if she uses me for her convience. I am in constant contact with the staff at the facility and they see me quite often and they know the things as far as my dad that I have tried to accomplish such as taking him out to dinner, visits with family especially his grandchildren. He dosent want to be there, however I must admit that him being there is a much better place than being with her, they lived in a hoarded home that was nasty, smelly and highly unsanitary, he has gained alot of weight, where as at home he was unhappy, stuck in the house and loosing weight. I feel that I am at my witts in and ready to give up, but thats my dad and I know that he needs me, I"d hate for him to go to heaven and I not be included in his home going . she and I have no communication at all, which I now isnt good and its all about my dad, yet I keep my distance because I hate to say and or do something that would result in me not being able to visit, she tried that, however the social worker at the nusrsing home didn't allow that because I am the only one that visits the most and even tho hes married to her he looks for me and the grandkids everyday.. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME THIS IS BOTHERING MY SANITY!!!!

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Kernal, I think that it would be hard for her to admit that you could take better care of him than she could; it is just easier to say he needs a nursing home level of care, it may not be totally that she does not have best interests at heart.

It is better for him to be where he is than in her home, that's for sure, with you able to visit often since you are less than 40 miles away. It is true that conservatorship is only for the finances and not for the personal decisions; does anyone have POA? An eldercare attorney would confidentially sort that out. Usually a spouse gets preference for that over a child if push comes to shove, unless she is not entirely competent herself and its obvious enough, but the legal advice could be very worthwhile before you risk any confrontation. Or, if you have more information and evidence that she is mismanaging his financial support, there may be options of having her removed as conservator via legal help and/or adult protective services.

In the meantime, since they are still man and wife and there may be some caring and concern between them, you might want to try to reach out to her by letting her know how he is doing, sending a photo or even exchanging them back and forth. Maybe you could pick her up and take her to visit and have both of them on an outing; it may be her not visiting is because she can't manage the trip after her strokes, etc. If it turns out you that she is entirely competent and has the POAs as well as the conservatorship and has not done anything that would merit her being removed, so you do not have any legal recourse, it may be a case of winning her trust to be allowed to take him on outings, etc. and I sure hope that works out for you! Please keep us posted...
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