I have been taking care of my Mothers needs for about a year now. She is 89 and physically in good health but mentally not so good. My problem is how to make the family members understand that I need a break - even though my Mother can take care of herself physically I need a mental break from her. She just talks about the same stuff over and over and over. It gets exhausting. When my brother or sister comes to give me a break my Mother cannot understand that I am leaving during "family time." So what has happened is the family comes over to "give me a break" and I just end up cooking for everyone and hanging around listening to my Mother say the same things that I have heard ad nauseam for the past 2 weeks. Has anyone else ever experienced this?? It is like I do not have a life separate from my Mothers life. So my sister comes over yesterday and I just sat her down and told her that I "visit" with my Mother 24/7 and they need to spend quality time with her apart from me. I then went to the movies which was lovely. What hurts is my brother and sister get to go home and have their lives. Their bi-weekly visits are getting shorter and shorter. The saddest part of all this is my relationship with my sister has suffered. We were very close but not anymore. It is practically impossible to just hang out together like we used to because my Mother does not understand why she is not invited and I do not wish to hurt her feelings. Anyone out there who has experienced this before?? Why do the other family members get so selfish?? I accept that I will be the caregiver to my Mother but the lack of help from others has left me very cynical toward my other family members.
My other suggestion would be to grow a backbone. Sigh. It's hard, I know, but putting your sanity at risk so as not to hurt your mother's feelings or to live up to the unrealistic expectations of your sibs doesn't really make any sense, does it? "Sis, I'll be leaving as soon as you guys arrive Sunday. Please bring something for your lunch -- Mom likes KFC, and you know she loves your homemade lasagne, but whatever you want is fine with me. I'll be back around 6 pm." Be pleasant and firm. You don't owe anyone lengthy explanations.
Good luck!
How are your Mom's financial resources?? If there are funds, sign her up for an adult day center where she will be with folks her age while you have a chance to get your head on straight. Make arrangements ahead of time to have a friend call you shortly after family has arrived. Your friend will need help and you are running off to assist her/him. (Less conflict with your Mom.) Hire a companion for a few hours a few days a week. Have the companion take Mom out on nice days or you can go out those days. Any complaints about the expenditure, let your sister/brother/in-laws take a FULL day for you. Make plans early with sibs in on the plan. EVERYONE deserves some time to him/herself.
On the humorous side, my Mom is in an AL. For those not using them, family still needs to be there frequently. My local sib goes 2Xs a week and visits. No checking on anything. When the out of state sibs come in, the local sib doesn't visit. SO-O-o I am always on 5 days a week and the additional help from the out of staters, reduces the local sib's visits. I order all of the products that are needed and truck them over to AL. I pay all of the bills. Mend the clothes. Straighten out the room from the junk they leave behind (open containers of food; plants that need to be watered and flowers that die). AND I am sure I am better off than many others so, I am only rolling my eyes!
Before I moved my Mom to AL (BTW I did all of the looking for one that was appropriate) I couldn't get ANY help from the local sib and the out of staters expected me to call/e-mail each day with reports. I was so burned out at that time, I was like you are now. Since she is ok physically, ask around and you may find someone to do companion duty. A young Mom that could do a few hours while her kids are in school, for example. Everyone needs extra money these days so there are more people available.