Overwhelmed with responsibility over mums care.I have a huge choice to make. Anyone else had to make this choice?

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My mum has just being diagnosed with "vascular dementia" ive known for 6mths it could be this but to hear it has started to sink in.

I was planning to move away from here as i hate this town im currently living with mum and caring for her on my own siblings abroad and brother nearby no help?

I spoke to my doc today and she said moving your mum from her house to go live in a different place now would be the start of her decline and not a good idea?

Im now finding myself overwhelmed with responsibility now as its up to me whether my mum stays here in her own home or goes into NH. I cant look after her alone its too much and its going to get worse.
Her doc said shes not ready for a NH yet? she still has good memory but will need care?

If she dosnt go into a NH we cant make her until she cant cope at all this is a huge responsibility on me as I just cant have a life here and dont want to live here.

I just dont know what to do now and with my family abroad what can I do? Feel so guilty that my mums future care is all down to how much I can handle.

Cant stop crying and starting to get very down i have a huge choice to make my mum staying in her own home or my sanity?

Has anyone had to make this choice? Its not fair that it all falls on me as im here?

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I went through this with my mom. She lived out in NM and none of us (8) lived near her except for a niece that was abusing her verbally, financially and having her raise her 9 year old and often left her two under 5 year old children for weeks on end with my mom who has dementia.
I lived 11 hours away and drove to her home once a month to check on my father when he was ill. It was very stressful for me to put my life on “partial” hold for 4 years while he was ill. We did have in home care for him for part of the day which helped to watch over my mom for several hours too.
When my dad passed away we couldn’t leave my mom at her home alone because of the niece and we certainly couldn’t afford to hire someone 24/7 to protect her from her. So, I stayed there for a month and then I took my mom to live with my brother. My other siblings knew she couldn’t live alone but were still in strong denial about her diagnosis of dementia.
I have found that when they are in the early stages of dementia that a superficial conversation can make them appear to be quite all together. Yet, when one digs deep it becomes apparent that she isn’t quite all there anymore. I have several siblings who are still in denial. A couple of them haven’t even asked a word about her since we removed her from her home in February of this year. Sorry…I digress.
After several months at my brother’s house my sister-in-law who is extremely OCD (she takes 2.5 hour showers) couldn’t handle my mother anymore. I wasn’t aware of my SIL condition prior to my mom moving there. My brother threw up his hands and said mom needed to go into an assisted living facility.
I am POA and I live 8 hours away from him. Since my SIL didn’t drive, my mom wasn’t being taken care of the way she should have. She has had a UTI for 3 months and was never taken back to the doctor. Things like that.
In order for me to eventually qualify mom for Medicaid I would have to drive that 8 hours to do paperwork, check out facilities, etc.
I decided that it would be much easier for my sanity to have my mom closer to me and get her the care she needs and not just toss her into any old AL facility that they chose. She has been here for a couple of weeks now and I don’t regret the decision. Yes, she is a lot of work here. But, I know that she is being taken care of. And, when she does need to go into an AL Memory care facility, she will be close by so that I can check on her often. She wouldn’t have even seen anyone but maybe once a month if she were near my brother.
I have never had a wonderful relationship with my parents but I did do what I thought was best for them both. Moving her out of her house was very traumatic for her but we figured the sooner the better. She is adjusting and feels much more comfortable her with us rather than with my controlling SIL.
I’m sure in a few months the stress will once again get to me. I’ll deal with that when I need to.

Kazaa, I cried often when I realized that the situation at my brother’s house wasn’t going to work out. I felt, Why Me? I have 8 siblings and only my brother offered to take her and that was with not much consultation with his wife my SIL. My other siblings figure that since I took care of my father’s issues during the past 4 years then I should be able to take care of my mom’s issues now. I think it is bullshit, but it appears that there is always one in a family that steps up and it looks like it is you and I.
I know that my mom is going to go into an assisted living facility/memory care facility. I also know that her staying here isn’t long term. I have looked at several in our area and I know what the financial situation is. All I can say is start checking them out. Know what is ahead of you. I think that the unknown was what frightened me the most. It seemed like a daunting task ahead. But, once you have a plan in place and realize that it isn’t forever, at least it isn’t in my case, then it isn’t as overwhelming.

I can only give you a big virtual hug. Take care.
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Thanks spiritspy so glad the MAJORITY of people understand on this site shame we have to deal with the odd martyr!! Wink! hugs to you and totally understand how youre now happy and its worked out for you and your dad.
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Kazzaa,

In the end, only you know what's best for you. I will share part of my thought process in deciding to move my Dad. He was living on his own and the closest child was a 5 hour drive away. We decided to move Dad sooner rather than later as it seemed that the disruption of a move would get worse and worse. I tried to give him as much control over the process as possible. That means, he got to decide whether to move close to me or close to my sister. Notice that not moving wasn't an option on the table. We went to visit every senior living option in the area where he was moving. He got to choose which was best. In the end, he wasn't excited about the move. However, he got choices along the way that allowed him to feel some control in the situation.

I considered putting my life on hold and moving in with him. That would not have been healthy for either one of us. I would have been miserable where he lived and as a result would have been resentful of being there. If I was stressed and tired, that resentment was bound to show through. That would not have allowed me to do the hard work of care giving. Also, like has been mentioned earlier, Dad is much more social now than he was when living on his own. I stop in and see him almost every day. Because I am not stressed and resentful, I am able to take the time and take him out for fun activities. Also, I realized along the way that as much as I would like to be that infinitely patient caring daughter, I am not. I can be patient for a few hours at a time, and then... I get a bit cranky. That would not have been good for either of us.

I hope there is a nugget in there that might be helpful.

Take care of yourself.
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Actually madeaa youre wrong there is assisted living here in ireland they are usually attached to NH the only one i know of is Moorhall lodge in Ardee where they have a little house and 24/7 care this would be ideal for mum but she went beserk. Parents want thier children to look after them and thats that there is no arguing with them until thier mind is so far gone that they cant argue.
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Madee I do get your point but its not as easy as 123 get her into a homecare there are waiting lists etc.... she is NOT ready for a home yet? Here already its a year for the home we looked at and one of the best so you see my dilema the only real solution is she moves with me and i care for her as much as I can handle until shes ready for a NH. Ive suggested AL and she refused she still is convinced she can manage here alone she is entitled to 3 half hour care a wk we cannot afford in home care at $26 an hour also she has no friends or neighbours here so nobody except me.
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Jessie B.... we live in Ireland not USA, you can google to your hearts content, there is NO concept of assisted living, independent living in Ireland. The world is large and you have no idea what it is like here in another country.
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Sometimes, I think you really miss the point.
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Thanks guys i feel alot better now. I have decided that my mum is going to decline whether shes with me or not. My biggest fears were to force her against her will into NH so I am putting my foot down when family arrive end of month that she moves with me and I look after her until she gets worse then a NH near me I am quite happy to look after until I can BUT on my terms i think this is the best she will not manage here on her own in a 2 story house and my bro was here for an hour today and SNAPPED at her as she didnt understand something I was fit to burst. Its ok for me to snap when shes being unresaonable with me but im here 24/7 if you cant tolerate her for even an hour then you have issues i think this made me realise that my poor mum really only has me to do the right thing. I think my bro is in denial about her illness and cant handle this. He was always an introvert and cant handle emotions BUT ive told them all that they need to be a bit patient with her now and not snapping at her for very little reason. anyone here will know how hard it is to keep your kool but when we snap its usually with good reason exhaustion for one.

I want my mum near me as if she goes into NH here then ill be too far away and i want to see here everyday im the only daughter she has in ireland that cares my other sister who lives only 2hrs away hasnt even rang me when i sent her an email about mums diagnosis. am so angry with her how can you not care?? shes our mother and did what she could to bring us up alone how can you turn your back on her now when she needs us the most. Selfish siblings i will never understand?

My other brother and sister abroad have agreed that mum either moves with me or NH I am not giving up my life to live in a one horse town with no social life.
My mums geriatrician has asked my mum to move into NH permanently she laughed she said no way to be honest I dont think the professionals cant decide for us its all down to family when this happens.

I really have to think of my life ive done this for four years had a SHIT time trying to get mums diagnosis on my own with no help from anyone except the internet and this site and I was right she has what i kept telling everyone i want some happiness in my life.
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So the doc thinks it will be the start of her decline - does he know that she has been telling lies to the neighbors? This paranoia is very much a part of middle AD!

Memory care has worked beautifully for my mthr. Once she was settled in, she LOVED going to the Bingo games, church services, the music productions, movie night, even meals with other people! She was finally social again for the first time since she retired. Not one of the other old folk complains when she tells them the same story, and she readily excuses them telling her theirs - oh, he does not remember he told me that before, and he told a little more each time, so it was very interesting is what she says!

Your mom would love a Memory Care home. I hope you can find one quickly to save your sanity!
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They do have many IL, AL, and NHs in Ireland, too. I googled and saw many things in the Dublin area.
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