My dad moved in with me, then I got married. Dad had a stroke, # 4 and third heart attack, while on his job. He lost his job, due to endangering others on the road. So he moved in with me.

He did not raise me, so I thought we could get to know one another.

He has been with me for two years. He does not take his meds, he sleeps all day, and he does not make it to the bathroom in time and blames the dog for urinating on the floor. I set up appointments for him, he does not go. I pay for his meds, does not take them. He refuses to clean up after himself nor cares for himself, like showering.

My husband is great with him, but he cares for his mother also. She lives at her own home. I have two brothers who refuse to help.

I have talked to him about assistant living. He does not want to hear it.
He is 61 years old. I teach special needs kids and I worry about him being alone.

I do not know if alot of his issues are manipulation or he does have medical concerns.

I have repeatly told him... I can not help you if you are not willing to help yourself.

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Agree with above and vtsefans. Time to set boundaries and stick with it.
1. He agrees to complete medical work up with a dr who specializes in geriatric care. Get some referrals from elders in your neighborhood, fellow teachers or your own dr.
2. He agrees to take meds.
3. He agrees to pitch in on some tasks including personal hygiene.
4. Violation of any of the above will result in you hiring in home care a few hrs a week and he will have to foot the bill.
5. You will hire housecleaning help and you both will split the bill.
6. Insist he go to senior center at least 3 days per wk. you drop him off on way to school and you either pick him up after or maybe he can ride bus back to your house. Most senior centers have a bus service where they can bring person home after lunch or end of day.

Lastly, have a sit down with him and just be honest and tell him you can no longer meet his care needs. That his care requires more skilled care, time, and supervision than you have to give with a new family and teaching job and that you will help him find a new living arrangement within the next 60 days or before school starts.

Reassure him that you tried, you'll visit and have a regular dinner night, whatever.
Helpful Answer (1)

Dad is young to be in such sorry shape, and either bad depression or early dementia seem possible. It can seem hard to set limits, and you may have to start with baby steps and offer some positive strokes along the way as crispycritter suggests, but you may have to supply the reason for him to get off the couch in the form of an ultimatum - INSIST on a medical checkup, with a geriatric center that will actually assess mental status, not a general person who will more likely blow it all off if he can even carry on a conversation and put on a show for the visit. And/or you may find out that someone really has to take over entirely if in fact dementia, probably vascular rather than Alzheimer's type, is developing. That is very uncomfortable at first, to say the least. Sorry you are facing this situation!

My dad behaved much the same way (except no dog to blame it on) and my mom mistakenly thought it was willful to, but it was in fact frontotemporal dementia. She'd yell at him all the time which did not make ANYTHING better...after he fell a few times and she could not help him up, he went into skilled nursing. I began to find out about my Mom having her own problems when I had to work on his Medicaid case getting denied because she would just get mad and not send them the papers they were asking for...I did not realize what was happening though when I look back now I feel like I should have known.
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It sounds as if your Dad may be suffering from deep depression. From your post it doesn't sound as if he has memory problems.

Losing his job, losing his health and with the exception of your love and kindness, he doesn't have many friends or relatives who care about him. It sounds as if he has lost hope. If he is suffering depression and loss of hope you may be able to help him with little steps. Did he ever have a hobby like fishing. Even a family cookout, or just sitting down with a game of cards. He sounds like he needs counseling but He may not even be willing to seek counseling, but perhaps you can and on his behalf get some help to counsel with him.

It would be good for him to have his own place but at 61 he's still too young for Social Security. Perhaps he is eligible for disability. Depending on finances, there are many government options for independent living. You would still be able to check on him, have dinner, take him out from time to time.
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Your father would not be alone in assisted living, there is always someone to sit with at dinner and activities as well. Most also provide transportation to medical appointments, or have visting doctors. He also would get all the help he needs with medications,toileting, and bathing. Your relationship would improve because it wouldn't all be on you. I know how it is with siblings not pitching in to help! If your father is unable or unwilling to cooperate with you as the caregiver, you owe it to yourself to get him out of your home and into a different environment. We as caregivers forget to think about ourselves and what is good for us, we tend to put everyone else first. Do what is best for both of you. Good luck!
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DeAnn2care - I'm sorry you're having problems with your dad. Caregiving is extremely hard - and it's even harder with someone that's uncooperative due to whatever reason. I don't mean to sound callous - but from what you say, your dad is taking manipulating and advantage of you and your husband. It sounds like your dad is able to live alone. So if I were you, I'd check into senior apartments or assisted living and have a long heart-to-heart chat about how it would be better for both of you and your husband if he were to move into one of these facilities. Explain to him that you love him, but it is becoming too much for you to handle. An assisted living facility would be best because they would take care of his medicines and encourage him to take showers, but they can be pricey. But even senior apartments or independent living could be good for him too. Some even provide transportation to stores and have functions for everyone to participate in. And he will meet people his age that he will be more inclined to be around. But regardless of whether you talk to him about anything, you do need to talk to him about how it's going to be in YOUR house. You are not his maid or nurse - you are his daughter who is being nice to him (and you don't have to be). You're putting in a lot of effort and he obviously doesn't care. The least he can do is clean up after himself, care for himself, go to appointments and take his medicine. If he doesn't like it or refuses, you will have to decide what you're going to do then. In my opinion, I would tell him he either puts up or gets out. You can care for someone without having someone live with you. If he wants to live like this, it doesn't mean you have to watch it 24/7. And your last line is so correct - "you cannot help someone if they are not willing to help themselves". He needs to quit playing the manipulator and be a functioning part of the household/society or go somewhere else. Good luck!!
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