Is there anyone out there besides me who wishes their mother would die?

Hi! I haven't been on this site long, but it is wonderful! Finally, somebody understands where I am coming from. I care for my mother-in-law who lives close to us. She always complains that I don't do enough for her and that I am causing trouble in her life. I had asked a sister, a true daughter, to help more and mainly to get together with the rest of the siblings so everyone knows what we're dealing with. My husband yelled at me for being "mean" to his mom. Well, that kicked off the second session of yelling at me. He finally saw how she really is last night and apologized for thinking the problem was me. As far as I'm concerned, my parents passed away 13 years ago, so this is not my deal. This morning I have a vicious phone call from her telling me I have caused enough trouble (not sure what THAT means...) and to keep my nose out of her business. My first reaction is not to call or go by cuz I don't know how much she'll try to hurt me this time. I have gone over every morning to walk her dog but husband said not to go over there at all today. I'm more worried about the dog, not her. I refuse to listen to the msg. she left me via phone again cuz I don't want to feel the hurt that is with me most of the time. We used to be very close, but now I hate going over there. I want to tell her that NOBODY else, even the young girls she hires to clean for her, will ever clean her toilet. I clean up her diarrhea mess every time I am over there. The bathroom is pretty much disgusting. She says the "girls" do a great job and it must be MY mess that needs cleaning up. I have picked up filthy incontinence underwear when she misses the trash, or when her trash is strewn across the yard by neighborhood dogs. I have truly tried, but i am disabled as well, and have problems with major depressive disorder, so I really don't need this. I do wish she would die. She is miserable, lonely, and bored. I know SHE wishes she would die. We had discussed this and feelings surrounding her death a few times and she is very religious, and not scared to die. Maybe she was lying to me about that. We've already gone from extremely good friends to just about enemies. I have to watch out for myself and, for me, I need to get out of this predicament before I end up in hospital myself. Well, gonna delete this awful msg off my machine before I listen to it again and get all charged up. Thanks so much to everyone for having this site. I'm told quite a few times that I'm just complaining to complain. this site has proved that I am not the CRAZY one, just the abused one.

Perhaps since as caregivers our life is upside down, it's only natural that we see things from upside down point of view. Others who don't share our predicament are often can not understand what we're going through. Like those effort to prolong life at all cost. Every time I talk against it, people would look at me like I'm such a monster. But isn't it more cruel to prolong their suffering on earth than to let them die a natural death in peace? Besides, the effort to prolong their lives often do not take into account the problems that must be faced by caregivers

I don't agree 100% with this poem, (especially the line "when they no longer serve the land", for me it is more "when they no longer alive even though their heart still beating") but I really think it contains some truth.

I hate the men who would prolong their lives
By foods and drinks and charms of magic art
Perverting nature's course to keep off death
They ought, when they no longer serve the land
To quit this life, and clear the way for youth.
- Euripides, 500 BC

OneMoreDay, you are letting her not just get to you, but to your very spirit if you are the one wishing to die, which is extremely hard not to if it is your own mother, no matter how obviously unreasonable they become. And especially when the toxicity is right there beside you all the time. She is right when she says its her dementia and wrong when she then tries to say there is nothing wrong with her. The wishful thinking people indulge in is so hurtful to them and to everyone around them, but facing facts when you are in the habit of wishing them away is not a practice most people can readily cultivate after a lifteime of it, especially when their mental clarity is slipping. At some point, my own mom became unable to tell the difference between things she dreamed and things that really happened. I found that even more horrfying, though most of her dreams weren't as bad as many of mine....I just can't go there, I would have wished she could have died sooner if she was truly living in nightmares but thankfuly it never got that bad.

But listen, you have got to go on that vacation. No, Mom will not understand. But you just have to go, somehow. And hubby has got to be back in your life again, somehow. Occasionally, an elder with dementia will recognize an unspoken truth, that the person caring for them cannot totally be taken for granted...it takes an action though, not just words they will not remember, like reducing visiting if they are in an ALF, or shunning/bring non-verbal while caring for them if you cannot safely step away when being abused.

Human parents are not supposed to eat their young, though, and it does not necessarily honor them if you let them. Some of our parents might be selfish enough that they would not care that we give up our own life and future to cater to them; others would be appalled if they truly realized what was happening. It sounds like yours is one who would be appalled at herself if she really understood the depth and degree of the hurt she was inflicting. My mom once said to me "Well I'm sorry but I am just worried about everything" after she brought me to tears for bringing her shoes in to her to the therapy area one day. For some reason she was embarrassed about having someone bring her shoes and called me a stupid idiot in front of everyone. I'd had a bad day and just broke down and cried, and staff saw what happened and helped me out.

What I am trying to say is..its HER, and her dementia. Her reason is going or gone and therefore she will not be able to be reasonable. It's Not You.

I personally understand your feelings, but no I wouldn't wish on that for my mom. My mom is all that you all have described, it's bad, the accusations, the blame for everything that happend wrongly in her life is all my fought according to her. I live 3 blocks away, so do get to escape her verbal, menatal abuse..my bro on the other hand actually lives with her and he has said to me what the blogger said...I told him he don't really mean that, but not sure...but I know he's getting it worse than me since I have my own place to live. She really went off on me the other day, saying really hurtful, untrue stuff....and then bragged to my sis (another state) how she letted me have it... In her mind she thinks all the lies she tell pep/relatives are true, but they aren't, and that hurts. I think if the lies were true, they wouldn't hurt so bad... But I try to stay strong and if relatives etc...want to know the real story I welcome them to call me...but the lies always get back to me..and yes I know it's the sickness going on in her head but it still hurts, after all I have done for her, financially, vacations, medical etc...(past 6 yrs) for her to turn and blast me w/lies, and accusations. I have to keep telling myself it's the sickness or I would probably.... I don't know get sick or something...It's hard I know, but no I wouldn't wish that....

So many times in the past 5 years my father-in-law has been close to death. But each time medical intervention pulled him through. This 87 year old man is in misery. He can walk from his bed to the table to eat and if lucky to the toilet before making a mess. That is the extent of his existence. He sits and moans and shakes his head back and forth as if to say take "take me out of this life!"
He is under hospice palliative care close to a year now. Twice in the past 3 months they decided he needed to be hospitalized (once for MRSA infection, the other for blood being too thin) they said he really needed to be treated in hospital because HE COULD DIE if not. Isn't this what we are waiting for?! Let the man die. He is miserable!
We figure close to a million dollars of medicare money has been spent on the care of my father in law. $1,000,000!
With reasoning such as this you can see how medicare expenditures could bankrupt our country.
God has been calling this man home for years, but we keep pulling him back.

I posted my first answer to you on August 20th and have gone through a lot since then. My short and sweet answer now, is yes I do wish she would pass, peacefully in her sleep.

I know what you are feeling, even though I do not care for an aging parent but rather for my wife's 90-year-old father. My wife refuses to put him in a home & insists on me bathing him and helping with his personal care, in addition to cleaning his home, fixing meals on occasion, doing yard work, shoveling snow - the list is endless. I have been injured as a result of looking after this man and missed work for 8 weeks but this does not matter to my wife and her mother - they continue to demand I help with him. I have reached the point I wish he would die & get it over with as there is no end in sight. Home care is useless; they do next to nothing and my wife's father has come to EXPECT me to bathe him, as he rebuffs all attempts by home care staff to do that. When I expressed my insistence that this change both my wife & her mother said I should feel 'privileged' to bathe him and ignore my concerns. My wife has 2 brothers; 1 lives too fare away to help and the other refuses to help.

Although I'm not caring for an aging parent I understand completely where you are coming from. I just wish I could be as strong as you have...I have been told the real person I need to stand up to is not my father in law, but my wife & her mother.

Shortedout - when we marry, we marry the family as well. You ARE caring for an aging parent, whether it is your flesh & blood or not, but your situation is quite different. Is there a physical reason your mother-in-law can't bathe her own husband? Clean the home? Fix his meals? It is odd to me that all of those chores are landing in your lap & not at least shared by her and your wife. I agree that you need to draw a line here - with your wife and mother-in-law - and work out a system where all 3 of you are sharing in the workload. It is too stressful to take all of this on by yourself, especially with taskmasters cracking their whips in the background. I did not have help from my siblings either, and I had no idea the amount of stress I was under physically until everything came to a head & I realized I just couldn't do it ALL anymore. My mom passed on August 27 - peacefully and in her sleep - and now I am missing the mother I used to have before the caregiving was necessary...the mother I had while caregiving filled me with resentment and frustration - she "stole" the other mother away from me little by little.

Your not alone in this at all, i feel the same way about my nan nothing is ever good enough, she wants to be taken out everyday but only her and my mum, she never wants me there so i never see my mum, even if i call my mum my nan hates it and will shout in the background, she keeps getting sicker in herself but not weaker which just makes her more demanding, more manipulative and generally a not very nice person. we all feel this way sometimes so please don't feel like your bad or evil because your not everyone gets at there wits end. take care xx

Yes, you need to put her in a nursing home!!!!!It better than you thinking the way you are thinking. I'm taking my mom out, because I don't like the fact that she never wanted to go to one. And I can retire early and take care of her because she would have taken care of me! I do wish you better days!!!!

Shortedout: I just have to respond to your post. You said someone had already pointed out that the person you need to stand up to is not your FIL but your wife and MIL and I honestly have to agree. When you stated that you have injured yourself and been off work 8 weeks due to this, for me that was the last straw in this deal. I am sorry but it is not your responsibility to care for your FIL and certainly not to the point of injury to yourself. Who is going to take care of you when you are ill or severely injured due to this "privilege" that has been imposed on you. I do not know how your relationship works with your spouse but in my opinion I think you need to set a date and tell your wife and MIL that as of November 1st you will under no circumstances be continuing to care for your FIL. He can be placed in a home where he can have round the clock care but you will no longer endanger your health to provide care to him. If providing this care is such a "Privilege" then perhaps it is time that your wife and MIL be the recipient of it. To me it sounds as though these two women are spoiled and demanding and are willing to risk you and your health to sit on their tushes and basically use you as a Sherpa or paid help. You are going to have to muster up as much manhood as you can to confront these two and tell them it stops now, mean it, and stick to it!

I will be standing in your corner cheering for you!!!!

Sounds like you are under the thumb of two very narcissistic women. All I can say is lay down the law or get away from these evil women asap! You are worth so much more and if you continue you will get really ill, maybe have a stroke or heart attack. Will they look after YOU??? I doubt it.

My Mom has been living with me for the past 2 1/2 years. At first it wasn't so bad, it was inconvenient, but we were able to give her a nice comfortable life, so it was worth it In the last 6 months we have had turnover, after turnover of caregivers for my mom while my husband and I have worked, and she has been getting worse.. My Mom has alzheimer's and parkinson's and has not been able to stay alone for some time. I am exhausted from trying to make sure she is taken care of and my health which was not good is getting worse. My husband has been a real trooper, but it has worn him out too and it is affecting our relationship. I love my Mother so much and I had hoped we could take care of her longer, but realized that it wasn't working anymore and that I was beginning to really resent her. looked for and found a couple of really nice assisted living homes. I told my Mom that we needed to a nice place for her this and tried to explain it. I took her to visit a couple of the places, but nothing seem to make her happy. She had seemed to be getting a little better with PT, but that all started falling apart. We got through Christmas with everything seeming to be ok, and then my husband and I just spent two weeks in Hawaii on vacation with his family right after Christmas. During the time we were gone my Mom decided to stop eating and taking her medicine. We have had her in the hospital twice now, once before we left and once while we were gone, but it hasn't done any good. At this point she truly believes she is dying, and maybe she is, I don't know. I feel like all the air is being sucked out of my body. I have pleaded with my Mom to try and get better, but she just says she can't, that she can't do anything, that it's too late. She told our current caregiver that she wants to die at home. I cannot do that. I cannot watch her not eat and not take her medicine and die before my eyes. She pleads with us now not to make her eat and drink. I don't know anymore what the right thing to do is, but I know that I cannot allow this to go on. The saddest thing is my Mom now thinks she's going to hell because of what she had done to her body and I can't convince her otherwise. I am sad to think she is dying like this, but some part of me just wants this to be over. She told me she started this because I told her about assisted living, but at this point she can't stop it. Now I am living with the notion that if I had never brought it up this wouldn't have happened. Another part of me believes that if she really is dying it's because it's her time and nothing I could or would have done would change that. I need to hang onto that thought. I need it to be true.

you sad people my mum died on my birthday I was 24, I would love to be able to look after her and care for her as she got older I didn't get a chance, I miss her so much, x

It is really easy to say that you would care for your Mom. It is not so easy to do it. I have actually been taking care of my Mom for over 10 years, just not all of them in my home. If you think for a minute that it doesn't completely you drain you of everything you have an then some, then you are sadly mistaken. I have done the best I can, and I strongly resent you indicating otherwise. I miss my Mom too because with Alzheimers and dementia she had been gone a long time. If you don't know what you are talking about don't open your mouth.

Sherry, you must be hurting terribly. You were not wrong to want to have a vacation with your husband, not to take one! Your mom is either a very spiteful person or a very depressed one. Maybe you can get some help for her, medically, if it is the latter. You can tell her that it is absolutely unbearable to think that just suggesting assisted living made her too depressed to eat, that you never thought it would because you thought her life would be better and you would never have abandoned her there, just seen that she got better care; that you love her and cannot stand by for her to deliberately let herself waste away and die this soon. You then insist that she sees a doctor about this. If it hurts to eat or swallow sometimes just treating reflux or some other conditions makes that better.

Now if it turns out that it is time for hospice due to a worse medical condition, the that is a sad time but not a guilty time for you....and Ellie, I have to say Sherrie is right...caregiving seems to be the most loving thing you can do and you can anticipate it as a giving back time of joy in your relationship, but sometimes it does not work that way. If you stay and look around on here more, you will read the stories of people trying very hard to love and care for people who no longer (or maybe never did) return anything but criticism and complaint.

I feel for everyone of you going through this. I am just in the beginning stages of having a mom who will be in need of care. At this point she IS capable of living independently but just doesn't want too. My gut tells me having her in our home would not be in any ones best interest and have been having the guilts. I am so glad I found this site because so many others have these people with halos walking around and putting down people who are not cut out for the job. Not for nothing I have enough resentment going on right now towards her as I have too much on my plate to take on her care unnecessarily which she is WELL aware of. This site gives me the strength to trust my gut and look for other options. No one deserves to endure what you do. I had no idea so many people were living in these unbearable situations. I'll be putting this issue in my daily prayers. May you all find peace & respite.

Yes, I have wished several times that mom would just die and go to heaven...sometimes it's just TOO MUCH to take, especially for HER...she is in constant excruciating arm and shoulder pain from arthritis and all she does is suffer...is that a way to live? Would God want her to suffer every day? It's hard to watch her pain continue unabated day after day...I feel so bad for her...helpless really as she does too. I am completely depleted emotionally and physically...

Sherry it is not your fault! So many things are contributing to your mother's actions, but you making a rational suggestion of her going to AL is not a CAUSE of her actions. Even if she says it is, she herself is the cause of her actions as well as her illness. Please do what feel right that is within your power and let the rest go to God.

Smithy, is she trying medication for the pain? Pain meds usually work for arthritis, is it possible she has neuropathic pain going on? Aka complex regional pain syndrome...

Yes, we think she has a herniated cervical disc. She's seeing her doc Friday and he'll probably order an MRI...funny that I also am having an MRI for my neck because my arm is really weak...

All, I wanted to tell you how much your words have meant. My Mom is now in hospice care at a really wonderful facility. They are working with me to find a nice and safe long term care facility for her. She has started eating and taking her medicine again. She is actually smiling, laughing and talking again. We talked about what had happened with a kind Rabbi today (we are not Jewish, but he really knew exactly what to say), and he helped us talk things out. He asked me what the real problem was and I talked about my guilt about my Mom not eating. He asked me if I understood that it wasn't my fault, and then my Mom told me it wasn't my fault. She said that she had been so scared about going to AL, but didn't talk to me about it and then did this, and that was her fault for doing that. The Rabbi asked her if she knew she was forgiven and that she would go to heaven and she told us both that she did. That was really important to me because Mom has told me she was going to hell for what she had done (destroying her own body). She told me today she was right with God and that she was ready. I told her that I was ok with it as long as she was right with God, that if she needed to go it was ok, and that I understood and would be ok. I told her that I knew a lot of what had happened was because of her illness and I forgave her, and it didn't matter. She told she knew she couldn't go back, and I told her that no one can do that, but that she could go forward. She said that she understands now and wished she had realized how nice a place like the one she is in could be. She told me that she wanted to live and that she would try. I told her that was all I asked. It is still really hard, but I know I have done the right thing by my Mom. I know that I have only done what was best and that there should be no guilt for her or myself. I feel like now that my Mom can go in peace and I can live in peace. All of you have helped me find some peace. If you are taking care of a loved one for a day, a month, a year, or 10 years please know that you are showing more love in that timeframe than most people ever experience in a lifetime. Also know that sometimes love is about being able to say enough too. We all want the very best for our loved ones, and sometimes it is not in our power to do that for them ourselves, and that is truly ok. We do not, any of us, owe our lives to anyone, but God. We do have a right to live, and have joy, and give joy to others. Each and every person has the right to determine for themselves how they live and how they die. It is hard to be able to let my Mother go, but I can do it now. I have the strength because my Mom gave me the best gift any Mother ever could, she gave me the gift of faith. She has always been the person I looked up to because of her unbelievable faith no matter how much was wrong with her, what diagnoses she received or what curve balls life threw at her. She lost it for awhile and that scared me more than anything ever has. I am so happy that she found it again. I'd like to think I helped a little with that. I also hope that my words will help all of you lift your spirits that need it as you have lifted mine.

((((((((((((((sherry))))))))))))) I am so glad that this all worked out for you and your mother. What a blessing! Great that you have shared. It should give others hope. Thank you!

My gma wants to die. She's a Christian and she's ready to go to a better place, I understand. I don't like hearing it all the time.. I'm 23 she's 87 and I've been her care giver for five years.. she just wants to die and I'm pregnant about to have my baby I want to bring life in and she just wants to die its depressing hearing it almost everyday. But when she does die ill be happy because she can go see het loved ones and she will finally be at peace and be happy.

I understand perfectly. They direct all the vitriol from their unhappy and sad circumstances (old age) onto those they love or closest to them, or taking care of them and looking after their interests. It's thankless for sure. My mom takes out all her frustrations on me while being kind and friendly or bragging on a neighbor or store clerk or doctor and how great they are and all they do for her....I've had other friends say the same about their elder...taking all the crap, while non-relations are praised.

Yes it hurts.

My mom won't accept any help, assistance but calls me for every issue as if I should resolve all the big stuff because I'm her daughter. I get all the grief and anger and others or my brother who has nothing to do with her or even a phone call is praised or excused.

We both wish it were over. She's terribly unhappy, lonely and unwilling to change her circumstances. I often envy when someone tells me their parent has passed. I honestly pray for that release for my mom and our family. I know she is ready to go as well.

Right on Sunflo! The only difference is that my mother has never been happy her whole life, nothing and no-one was ever good enough. Outsiders don't see the real person because they put on a "show time", then sink back to who they really are once an outsider has left, leaving us to deal with the nightmare alone.

After my dad died in 1998, when she was fit, well and had a car, I encouraged her to get out, volunteer, go do something but nope, her life revolved around shopping, the library and walking her dog in the park. She had no friends, having alienated most all of them and fought with the neighbours wherever she lived. One time her house was "egged" and it wasn't even Halloween.

Speaking of dogs, many years ago she got a puppy weiner dog and insisted it slept in the bed. My father said no, no dogs in the bed, so she moved herself and the pup into the spare bedroom. For the last 12 years of his life my poor father slept alone and went everywhere by himself. After 50 years of busting his chops to give her everything, he died a lonely, broken man. He was a wonderful man and every time it crosses my mind I feel pure hatred for her..

missCinderella1: God bless you as you take care of gma, five years is a very long time for someone so young as you to care for anyone like this. Having a baby to care for is going to be hard on top of caring for gma. You may have to look into other arrangements as this could go both ways. GMA may absolutely love the baby and find a new reason for living and then they also get upset by crying or screaming or little kids running around, so you will have to watch.

I liked what you said about gma being able to die and be with her family in a better place. I feel the same way and then sometimes I realize it is the only way I will ever get my own personal life back as well. None of us would ever wish someone dead, although we may say it in the heat of any argument, but when our parents or grandparents keep saying they want to die, I just hope God is listening and grants them their wish. For those in pain, I honestly feel that they should have a right to end it when they are ready. My father was ready and he thought the doctor could just give him a shot, it took about 8 days with him on Morphine.

Take care and God Bless you!

I am heartbroken. I have been divorced for about 20 years and was left with two children to take care of. My mother moved in with me to assist me not only with my children (especially my younger daughter) as well as financially. We struggled financially but managed. My son moved out to live with his girlfriend at that stage and it was the three of us left. Very upsetting for me as he was only 19. My mom and I lived together for about 15 years until I met my current partner. The four of us actually moved into the current house we are living in and I didnt notice the downward spiral of my mother until now. Looking back I realised what was happening to her. My partner and I went on holiday overseas and my mom didnt look very happy about it. She was acting very strange then. My mom was driving at that stage and while we were away on holiday she had a terrible accident (went through a stop street and didnt know why she went through the stop street) and wrote off her car but Thank G-d she came through it with a broken pelvis. When I got back from holiday I applied for her to got into a home as I am working all day and also have a part time job in the evenings. She got better and learned to walk again and wanted to come home but due to circumstances I couldnt bring her home as there was no one to look after her. She was transferred to residence and she seemed happy there but physically and mentally she just got bad. Her mental and physical health deteriorated. She is now in the frail care. She shuffles when she walks (walking with a walker), he repeats herself and is totally incontinent. The problem is that she knows that she has messed herself and she knows what has happened. I think she is ashamed to admit it and hates being cleaned up. This is not my mother - she was an independant and active lady who was fastidious with herself - her hair and nails always had to be done and dressed nicely. I feel that this is not living and she has no dignity anymore. I have the guilt that perhaps I should have brought her home and this wouldnt have happened - although the social workers at the home said this would have happened anyway.

Arlene, you started your post correctly - you are heartbroken. The point I want to make to you is that feeling grief for your mother's sad deterioration is natural and right. But then you get diverted to guilt, to the wondering if everything could have been different if you'd make different choices.

I'm not sure this will help you because sometimes nothing anyone can say really changes how one feels; but you were right, the social workers are right, and the fact that your mother - even if reluctantly - did agree to the move to residential care shows that at bottom even she knew you were right: that in the circumstances at the time, you could not have brought her home and ***even if you had*** she would still have grown older and more frail.

What you feel is sadness. You have no cause to feel guilt.

So from here, just do what is still possible. Her hair and nails should still be nice - discuss grooming with the staff, explain to them how important her appearance was to her, ask them (very nicely of course) to take a little extra trouble to help her. When she repeats herself, remember that useful phrase 'deflect with humour' (and, I'd add, with affection). Incontinence does break the spirit of all concerned, but the more relaxed you can be about it the less shaming it is for her. No, it's not nice, but it isn't something she can help - show her you understand.

Guilt won't help her. Dignity, though, is about how others treat her - that's worth fighting for! Hugs to you.

I understand your feelings. i have a 98 yr old auntie, 88 yr old dad with alzheimer and an 82 yr old mother. i often resent my friends that parents have already passed away