As the sole caregiver of my husband, with minor help from aides, I’m getting exhausted and thinking of future placement in memory care. Is it time?

My husband, 73, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. After speaking with several people that either work in or have placed a loved one in memory care / nursing homes, the thing that kept coming up was that if they are placed sooner, they have time to adjust & eventually consider the new place “home” rather than waiting until they are confused most of the time & struggle to adjust. No one ever said it was easy. Although I keep telling myself it seems too soon, I have at least been working on Plan B (C, D & E as well). I have been visiting area homes & meeting with their admissions people. During a visit to a local attorney on an unrelated matter, he mentioned which local places had the most personal injury cases vs which had few or even none. Something I never would have thought about. We still have a teenager at home, a mortgage, etc., so I need to have my ducks in a row. The visits have been helpful & informative, and I feel I have options. Preparing for the next step is about all I feel I have control over sometimes and I don’t want to feel like I’m left scrambling when the time comes. And that time seems closer every day.

I think this is more about your own limitations and I think you are coming face to face with them. I think this is a decision you have to make for yourself. It is difficult because while his needs are becoming more and more difficult for you you recognize that he still has a lot of interaction with you that he is dependent upon. So I think you are weighing now your own limitations, your own need for a life, versus the pain you will both endure with the coming changes.
Only you can decide when the time is right. I think it will never be easy. There will never come a time when it is "OK" for you. Nor for him. It will be painful.
But I think you will come to the time when all things weighed you will make the best decision you are able to out of those decisions, non of which will be easy or good.
I am so sorry for you both. This is dreadfully difficult. Only you can decide. As you read the Forum today you will see so many face to face with decisions, non of which are "the answer" or even a "good answer. It is just so very hard.

It is time when you can no longer deal with the situation. Becoming totally burned out is not the answer especially when there are other options available.

Memory care is not what people envision, we just moved my stepmother from AL to MC, she is busier than ever, they have more activities in MC and generally get more one-to-one attention.

You only have one pass through here, you are entitled to be happy and at peace.

Do what is best for you, he will not get better, it is all downhill from here.

There are no 'medications' that will successfully get rid of Sundowning; the behavioral issues that are affecting your husband at 3 pm and afterwards. There are calming meds to help him deal with aggression and agitation, but not to the degree that the delusions will disappear and he'll return to who he was prior to dementia setting in. Dementia is a progressive condition; it worsens with time, so that's something to keep in mind as you decide when the right time is to place him in Memory Care.

It's also wrong thinking to feel that he has to be 'incoherent' or 'not recognize you' in order for it to be 'the right time' to place him! My mother had advanced dementia with dreadful Sundowning and STILL recognized me as her daughter! She was still coherent and not sitting in the corner drooling, for petesake! Dementia affects everyone differently. Alzheimer's is the disease that sometimes makes a person forget who their loved ones are as they regress in time back to childhood. The other dementias don't always affect a person that way.

The 'right time' to place your husband is when YOU can't handle him effectively anymore at home. When you're burned out to a crisp and have no quality of life left anymore b/c you're devoting 24/7 to his care and 0 to your own self care. When he has very little quality of life left at home b/c he's bored, agitated and restless to the point where HE has nothing to do to occupy HIS time and is left wandering around aimlessly with no goal. In Memory Care, their days are structured with activities, meals and other events that give them a timeline which they NEED to function. Showers are scheduled, meals are scheduled, activities are arranged to fit their abilities, socialization takes place so they're kept occupied too, which is a different scenario than the home. Placing him does not mean you've 'abandoned' him; it means you're offering him a new lifestyle in a safe environment and yourself a new lifestyle where you're no longer a 24/7 caregiver but a wife once again who goes to visit her husband every so often.

In the meantime, you can look into adult daycare for your husband and also call his doctor for calming meds for the Sundowning. Ativan worked pretty well for my mother; .25 mgs every 8 hours to start.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

I have the same problem…my husband is so agitated at the daycare centre and with me when he returns home and he is resentful of the aide who comes for 3 hours a week. He only wants ‘me’ to be with him and I am totally ‘burned out’. My sister has been here and we take turns because we can’t leave him. She will be leaving soon and I have no other family support. I am thinking of placing him in a private memory care home because I am mentally and physically exhausted. I totally understand your suffering.

After 3pm its call "Sundowning" what he is experiencing and there are medications that can help. Talk to his neurologist.

It is time when YOU think it is time.
If you can not care for him safely (this is not just physical safety but mental/emotional safety. Burnout is a real problem)
If you can increase the length of time caregivers are there to help you that might delay having to place him in Memory Care.
Have you looked into Adult Day Care? That would give you a break and give him some activity during the day. Going 2 to 3 times a week would be a nice break for both of you.