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I don't like being with her for long. She had a car crash about seven years ago and was drinking and hid the alcohol from the cops and called my brother to come get her when I was out of town with my husband. She said she would get help but never did. We did an intervention with her and she still has a drink during a holiday but that's not okay with me because she contracted Hep. C. in the hospital during a blood transfusion after the accident. She also has a metal back brace inside her now. She quit taking her oxycodone about three weeks ago now. Two of those weeks I was helping her do everything. Then, she ended up in the ER last Sunday and just came home last night after being on the mental health care floor. She is going to be having treatment soon for the hep c and almost died last time she tried and is scared. She could not do anything for herself then and I know it will be the same this time. Also, now she says she knows she needs more help with things like her daily routine and household help because she does not have the pain meds to help her do things she did before. I cannot be the only one to do this. But for her everything is treated like it's an emergency even if it is just dusting or vacuuming. I created an outline for a chore chart where myself, my husband, my stepfather, and my brother can sign up to help get things done (we have yet to even fill it in) but I know I will still end up doing the bulk of the work. My brother works and so does my stepfather and my husband is disabled. And my stepfather does not understand how weak she is. She is legally disabled. And she will not ask him for help. I am also just now layed off from work and trying to find work. When I do find work I know I will have less time to take care of her needs. Right now, I am upset and overwhelmed that she does not feel the need to have any counseling for her addictions or for her depression. The doctor put her back on Zoloft which has helped her in the past, but she had taken herself off it a year ago because she thought that God would cure her depression without drugs. I am glad she is back on it but she insists on only staying on it until she gets off of the triple therapy for the Hep C. I want her to stay on it because it helps her and I cannot do what it can. I am not a therapist or a nurse. But I try to be patient with her but she wants everything done when she asks for it and her way. She is not willing to compromise. I want her to agree to do the chart so that I know what days of the week we are doing things like dusting, mopping, sweeping, yard work, ect. But I know she will not want to do it or stick to it. How do I show her tough love, especially when we are having to live in my parent's basement right now due to our financial situation? I feel obligated to help her but I know I cannot make her happy no matter what I do. I never have. How do I get over feeling obligated and just feel happy to help her? I don't like hanging around with her. She is not someone I would be friends with if I were not related to her. She smokes cigarettes. My hair and clothes always stink after being around her. She does not compromise or listen to our needs. I have missed meals and have not slept good since starting to help her. She won't admit she has addictions like nicotine or alcohol or shopping (HSN). I have gone to an Alanon meeting myself before but they all said I was doing the right things. Of course then, I was not living with her either or her primary caregiver. I could really use some advice right now. This is affecting me emotionally and I am feeling depressed, anxious, and angry, and at times I feel somewhat suicidal.

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There are alot of us with "toxic" families, I escaped once but when Dad was dying my husband and I promised him we would take care of Mom. So here we are. Our first promise to ourselves was to do this as a team. My husband and I try to talk over all topics that will impact Mom and us. Things here are not perfect nor will they ever be. Mom is Mom and will never change. Taking care of her with all of her games, tricks and etc. is a challenge to say the least. We are not heroes we are not superhuman, we have are limits. We find ourselves up againest many battles. We pick our battles. We take things one day at a time, with first things first. Then we let go and let God handle the rest. We take time for each other alone. We know this is not always possible in other peoples lives who are taking care of aging parents. But you can find a way. If you have room in your budget----get to a therapist!!!!! You will need that. If not, this site is a good place to unload. All of us have been "there" at one time or another. There are lots of helpful words and ideas here. Not to mention all the connections sites for alot of other questions and concerns you may have that will at least get you going in the right direction for finances, legal questions. Good luck trying to get a job. You will find one, it may not be your "dream" job but it will be an income and hopefully will offer benefits for your family. I moved to the city close to my Mom when Dad died no work to speak of here. So I took the few full time jobs with set hours. So I work 3 1/2 days a week and I am home 3 1/2 days aweek. I work 40 hours in that 3 1/2 days. My point take care of yourself first. the rest will fall into place My prayers are for you today. Many hugs being sent your way.
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a blunt competition? Oooo! this is going to be fun! the masses are looking for more laughter frequentflier! they must be, they're giving us plenty of material. *wicked grin*

ba dum bump! crash
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I would have to agree with PamelaSue on this one. I thought I was the only one out here who was blunt, but looks like I've got competition from people like Dunwoody and PamelaSue. I wish Eddie would post more here. He chimes in only every once in a while. Here's to yet another hot day here in hell on earth. Cheers! :-) Wayne
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Honestly, I think you have to be INSANE!
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Personally, I think you would have to be a SAINT in order to WANT to do this shit! ROFLMAO!!! :-) Wayne
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I contacted my community's agency on aging and they tol;d me that medicare/medicaid would not cover home health care, when in actuality it did because wse had home health care and medicaid/medicare paid for it, so I'm wondering just HOW reliable these community aging care services centers really are.. I would ask around and see who can provide the best care for your loved ones. There's a lot of misinformation going on out there. Namaste :-) Wayne
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Thanks everyone. I will ponder on your responses and use them to help me.
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look into your community's agency on aging and see if they have any resources you can utilize. One person can't do it all and you MUST take care of yourself. If your mom is on medicare or medicaid there may be options for help in the home. For your sake, get help wherever you can. God bless.
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PamelaSue, I didn't miss that sometimes she feels suicidal, and I also didn't miss that Vyolet and her husband were unemployed at this time. Staying in this bad situation will give her a chance to get a job and find another place. A person has to do what is in their best interest given the present circumstances, then work to improve the circumstances.
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i would get some counseling and help for depression for yourself. yoga and buddhist meditation helped me. i also like to listen to npr and also some shamanic radio stations who have positive messages flowing all the time. look for sources of positive energy, even if you don't feel receptive to them. they will help.
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Maria17 has the right advise short and to the point if she is shopping on HSN there is money for someone to come in and you take off, also forget the chart tell these people this is what your doing and this is the day it will be done and you stay out of it if it doesn't get done it's on them don't take on any more then you can handle and you get help for your mental state get support so these things can be put into action.
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Jessie Belle, this isn't just a senior, this is an ALCHOLIC. it's a whole other story all together. did you miss the part where miss vyolet is suicidal? NO, she is Not able to stay and care for this wicked bit... witch, this is Not about adjustment, she needs to get out!
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oops scratching their heads
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Caretaker could be synonymous with the term "indentured servant" :-) LOL W Y'all have a great evening. I'm outa here til tomorrow morning. Boy it sure is hot in here, that's for damn sure. :-) LOL W
(That's in reference to this being like hell on earth in case anyone here was scratching their hands over it)
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Deep breath, Vyolet. One thing you do not want to do is to let your anger at her come back to hurt all of you. At the moment, she needs you and you need her. You and she may have some pride hurt by this, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need each other occasionally. Thank goodness for family.

I have a difficult mother, so I know much of what you are going through. Have you been caring for your mother for long? I get the feeling that you are still adjusting. Adjustment time can be a time of great anger about events that lead up to this point and worry about what the future holds. In your situation, I imagine you and your husband have these feelings. I wonder if there is a way that you could be content with how things are for the moment. You have a place to stay and food to eat. You have a task of helping your mother until you can find another job. The job might be irritating, but it gives you time to get back on your feet.

It is often hard to be content when taking care of seniors. Believe me, I know! After thinking about this seriously last night, though, I woke up this morning (my birthday) knowing that we can feel content independent of what was going on around us. It is easier to let things roll off our backs when we feel content.

BTW, I would forget the list thing for chores. That would probably just be seen as controlling. I hope you are able to find a job that you like soon. I'm glad that you have a safety net that will allow you time to look for one you like.
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you want out? then LEAVE. i would live on the streets before i would live with my mother. she has a husband, she does not need you. just walk out. go to a homeless shelter. and get your life together from there. it's not going to happen as long as you live with her and feel beat down.
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YOur mother has a husband. Can her doctor discuss her needs with him? I agree you need to get out of there if oyu can find any way.
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If you have to live in a shoebox by the edge of the railroad tracks, you should do it. Your mother and stepfather's home is a toxic place for you physically, emotionally and mentally. It's no place to live. And your mother has a husband! Why isn't he taking care of his wife? He needs to have it plainly evident to him what his wife's condition is. The only way he'll find out is if you step out of the way. Good luck. You're in a tough situation, but you can make it better. Please find new living arrangements.
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I believe what rgardey said:A parent will often treat their grown child as... well, a child. Their expectations may still be the same as when you were young. You are not responsible for the bad decisions your mother has made. She is now reaping the sad results. I can relate to my mother now where nothing is her fault. She blames me for her current situation which ended up in a nursing home due to a serious car accident. I know it's hard but maybe just stay away from her for awhile so she can realize how much she does need you and to stop taking advantage of you. You are only hurting yourself by being so stressed out in trying to help her. It seems like she's using you and she knows it. Do you really want to be around a person like this for a long time? Just do little chores for a limited amount of time for her then LEAVE.
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My answer is how would you feel if you were to abandon her to her condition.
We are not obligated to do anything, within human law, that means, to love,to step out of ourselves when the opportunity presents itself. To care for someone we might be harboring resentments for is a true test of character.
To practice unconditional love is to allow our spirits to soar beyond what we believe our physical needs or trivial persuits are. That does not mean to ignore our true needs and wants, or those of our other loved ones, but to find enough time
to administer to our sick parents in their time of need. Many of us have come from
dysfunctional family situations but to do what we know is right puts and end to that chain of events and enables us to dwell in the realm of the spirit, not easy or without cost to our egos.
I have been caregiving to my wife for 12 yrs. She is totally dependent on me and ther were times I wished for my life to end but in doing what I do I have awakened a new source of power in me to do the unexpected. I know I can love and be a loyal friend even to people who vex my spirit. A wise man once told me I cannot think myself into good actions, I can only act my way into good thinking and I think that is the whole purpose of this exercise called life. Reach within yourself and you will find that power and goodness.
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Vyolet,

I can completely understand being caught between trying to do the right thing but not really wanting to. I will say I went through a lot of guilt myself because I am the one in my family who steps up and does the "unpleasant" things when nobody else wants to do them. I have a conscience after all, so I know it really is the right thing to do. I think God gives caregivers more guts than some other people. It takes someone special to step in a take on the responsibility of caring for someone who needs "a lot" of help. Personally, God helped me big time! I feel for you. I really do. I was reading through everyone's advice, and I believe there is a lot of good advice on here. I can't stress to you enough about getting help for yourself first. You will not be able to function correctly and in a healthy way without help. How can anyone expect to take care of someone else if they aren't healthy themselves? You spoke of suicidal thoughts, and that is a HUGE warning sign that you MUST get help, please! I had those same kinds of thoughts when I first started taking care of my MIL, and they aren't something that go away without getting help and especially going to see someone who you can talk to. You have to have a positive outlet to be able to let out your feelings. Another thing my own counselor told me is to keep a journal. Write down "everything" you are feeling. Believe me, getting all of those feelings out will leave you a little better off anyway. But Please, talk to a counselor. You mentioned you were laid off right now. This means you should also be eligible for medicaid. They will pay for mental health treatment for you. I was so blessed to be able to get the help myself. The feelings inside of me were literally making me sick and wearing me out. I was so angry all the time. Once I got help not only from mental health, but also when I expressed my very real feelings to my family about how they weren't being helpful at all and that I needed their support, I started to heal from those feelings. Also, there are caregiving places that will come in and help with chores too. You may have to look around your area, but please contact them and find out what needs to happen for them to come help you. If your mom protests, tell her flat out that you are only one person and can't take on the full responsibility of taking care of everything. I think that the person who does usually take on the responsibility of things that the others won't step up to do usually get overlooked by everyone because everyone in the family don't see the part of us caregivers that is drowning and needs help. They only choose to see their own needs and don't even notice we are drowning until we speak up and tell them. It may not come out all that nice when you do, but at least they will realize you really aren't superwoman and you need some help yourself sometimes. BTW- If you do apply for medicaid and tell them you are unemployed they will be able to put you on their JOBS program, which helps you find work. I hope this helps you. God bless you, and my prayers are with you. Please, Please, Please get yourself some help too.
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My first thought is that you need to firmly communicate a schedule for chores, appointments, and me time... then I read on. Living there sounds like the biggest challenge. A parent will often treat their grown child as... well, a child. Their expectations may still be the same as when you were young. You are not responsible for the bad decisions your mother has made. She is now reaping the sad results. While you may feel obligated to care for her, you are not going to want to if there is a lack of appreciation. Your idea of 'tough love' is valid. If you can't get out of the house, you may have to carve out a space for yourself where you are not allowed to be bothered. You need support. It sounds like the rest of your family has some expectations of you as well. Please, please, please, let them know how you feel and the pressure you are under. Seek out counseling for yourself for your own sanity. Just because you are home does not mean you can't get outside help to come in.
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I think given your differences with your mother and her multiple issues, you should not be the primary caregiver. She has a husband and I would encourage them to live separately either together or the step father in an apartment and your mother in a nursing home. It doesn't sound like she has lived a life where she accumulated lots of funds to support her, so Medicaid would be charged with her upkeep.
You have a disabled husband and are facing unemployment--that's enough to have on your plate. I almost never tell people to step back from the position of primary caregiver for a parent--but I don't see a way for you to do any more than you already do. Take care of your husband and yourself. Good luck with your job search it is a difficult economy. I will pray you find a job with proper salary and benefits to relieve your stress level.
Good luck.
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Do you pay rent for living there? It sounds like you ARE obligated, and as long as that is true it is not surprising that you feel obligated. The first step in changing how you feel is to remove yourself from that house.
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Find yourself a job. Any job. Move out. She is mentally ill. This is a job for professionals.
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Becoming a caretaker, for a husband or when you become parent to your parent, is one our greatest challenges. I lost my husband in 2002 from Hep C and alcoholism. Part of the problem I found is that the toxins ( when the liver is not working properly) go to the brain, so you are not dealing with a rational person. Had to call ambulance for help more than once with my late husband. It is not easy to stay unemotional but you have to be in charge.

The emotional strain, and work, can and will take a toll on your health and has. So I am learning to take care of me 1st, then help my mother, when she will let me. She has not taken a bath in a month, not healthy for either of us. Emotions: my understanding is to guard your heart, address issues when you are not emotional. Find support here and in real life to release your huge realm of emotions.

Choose your battles, for me;

Taking it one step at a time, explained to mother to pick one day a week that she will take a bath, (my understanding also this is coming elderly not wanting to bathe).

To me there is no choice, I will and want to help my mother, my job is my escape ... she is only 18 years older than me, and we never know what our future holds. So I am seeking to treat her the way I want to be treated without enabling or being manipulated. I pray for God Wisdom, understanding, mercy grace, and love to fill your situation. God bless you and your family

Taking it one step at a time, explained to mother to pick one day a week that she will take a bath, (my understanding also this is coming elderly not wanting to bathe).
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Although my mother is not technically an alcoholic she has many of the same personality traits as yours. I have had many moments of severe misery dealing my mother's difficult personality. I am the only child and, like yourself, am trying to be a decent human being by caring for her and putting her needs many times above my own. Until you are able to move out and/or while your mother is still alive, I would strongly suggest learning spiritual ways to combat what you are feeling. There is a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" , best-seller by Joyce Meyer. It explains the spiritual/scriptural principals behind dark thoughts like you are having. I had the same during a long period in my life. It was a process, but I have experienced a spiritual healing without any medication and no psychologist, etc. Knowledge of these principles can help tremendously while you struggle/battle with the issues with your mother. God bless you.
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Your comment "at times I feel suicidal" cannot be ignored. Do not even try to care for this extremely toxic deadly individual. You need to take care of yourself and try to work at getting financially stable so that you can get out of that toxic environment. In the mean time do only what you have to do until you can get out from under the nightmare you are living in. I would get counseling immediately-suicidal thoughts are not healthy!
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If you feel that it's something that you HAVE to do because they brought you up so you feel that you haqve to repay them in someway, then it's an obligation. But if being a caregiver does indeed bring you immense joy (personally, in my situation I can't see that as even being REMOTELY possible :-) LOL) then it turns into something that you want to do.Anyway, got done changing out diapers. Were wet again. Had the usual amount of shit on them. Now doing laundry and getting ready tro cook in a bit. I wonder what happened to "deadly Women" I don't see it on ID network anymore. Or Facing Evil for that matter. Sowieso, Ich wunsche Euch ein schones Wochenende.Ich werde schreiben wieder. Bis dann. :-) Wayne
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Thanks, Nancy. I appreciate your advice.
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