I don't like being with her for long. She had a car crash about seven years ago and was drinking and hid the alcohol from the cops and called my brother to come get her when I was out of town with my husband. She said she would get help but never did. We did an intervention with her and she still has a drink during a holiday but that's not okay with me because she contracted Hep. C. in the hospital during a blood transfusion after the accident. She also has a metal back brace inside her now. She quit taking her oxycodone about three weeks ago now. Two of those weeks I was helping her do everything. Then, she ended up in the ER last Sunday and just came home last night after being on the mental health care floor. She is going to be having treatment soon for the hep c and almost died last time she tried and is scared. She could not do anything for herself then and I know it will be the same this time. Also, now she says she knows she needs more help with things like her daily routine and household help because she does not have the pain meds to help her do things she did before. I cannot be the only one to do this. But for her everything is treated like it's an emergency even if it is just dusting or vacuuming. I created an outline for a chore chart where myself, my husband, my stepfather, and my brother can sign up to help get things done (we have yet to even fill it in) but I know I will still end up doing the bulk of the work. My brother works and so does my stepfather and my husband is disabled. And my stepfather does not understand how weak she is. She is legally disabled. And she will not ask him for help. I am also just now layed off from work and trying to find work. When I do find work I know I will have less time to take care of her needs. Right now, I am upset and overwhelmed that she does not feel the need to have any counseling for her addictions or for her depression. The doctor put her back on Zoloft which has helped her in the past, but she had taken herself off it a year ago because she thought that God would cure her depression without drugs. I am glad she is back on it but she insists on only staying on it until she gets off of the triple therapy for the Hep C. I want her to stay on it because it helps her and I cannot do what it can. I am not a therapist or a nurse. But I try to be patient with her but she wants everything done when she asks for it and her way. She is not willing to compromise. I want her to agree to do the chart so that I know what days of the week we are doing things like dusting, mopping, sweeping, yard work, ect. But I know she will not want to do it or stick to it. How do I show her tough love, especially when we are having to live in my parent's basement right now due to our financial situation? I feel obligated to help her but I know I cannot make her happy no matter what I do. I never have. How do I get over feeling obligated and just feel happy to help her? I don't like hanging around with her. She is not someone I would be friends with if I were not related to her. She smokes cigarettes. My hair and clothes always stink after being around her. She does not compromise or listen to our needs. I have missed meals and have not slept good since starting to help her. She won't admit she has addictions like nicotine or alcohol or shopping (HSN). I have gone to an Alanon meeting myself before but they all said I was doing the right things. Of course then, I was not living with her either or her primary caregiver. I could really use some advice right now. This is affecting me emotionally and I am feeling depressed, anxious, and angry, and at times I feel somewhat suicidal.
The emotional strain, and work, can and will take a toll on your health and has. So I am learning to take care of me 1st, then help my mother, when she will let me. She has not taken a bath in a month, not healthy for either of us. Emotions: my understanding is to guard your heart, address issues when you are not emotional. Find support here and in real life to release your huge realm of emotions.
Choose your battles, for me;
Taking it one step at a time, explained to mother to pick one day a week that she will take a bath, (my understanding also this is coming elderly not wanting to bathe).
To me there is no choice, I will and want to help my mother, my job is my escape ... she is only 18 years older than me, and we never know what our future holds. So I am seeking to treat her the way I want to be treated without enabling or being manipulated. I pray for God Wisdom, understanding, mercy grace, and love to fill your situation. God bless you and your family
Taking it one step at a time, explained to mother to pick one day a week that she will take a bath, (my understanding also this is coming elderly not wanting to bathe).
You have a disabled husband and are facing unemployment--that's enough to have on your plate. I almost never tell people to step back from the position of primary caregiver for a parent--but I don't see a way for you to do any more than you already do. Take care of your husband and yourself. Good luck with your job search it is a difficult economy. I will pray you find a job with proper salary and benefits to relieve your stress level.
Good luck.
I can completely understand being caught between trying to do the right thing but not really wanting to. I will say I went through a lot of guilt myself because I am the one in my family who steps up and does the "unpleasant" things when nobody else wants to do them. I have a conscience after all, so I know it really is the right thing to do. I think God gives caregivers more guts than some other people. It takes someone special to step in a take on the responsibility of caring for someone who needs "a lot" of help. Personally, God helped me big time! I feel for you. I really do. I was reading through everyone's advice, and I believe there is a lot of good advice on here. I can't stress to you enough about getting help for yourself first. You will not be able to function correctly and in a healthy way without help. How can anyone expect to take care of someone else if they aren't healthy themselves? You spoke of suicidal thoughts, and that is a HUGE warning sign that you MUST get help, please! I had those same kinds of thoughts when I first started taking care of my MIL, and they aren't something that go away without getting help and especially going to see someone who you can talk to. You have to have a positive outlet to be able to let out your feelings. Another thing my own counselor told me is to keep a journal. Write down "everything" you are feeling. Believe me, getting all of those feelings out will leave you a little better off anyway. But Please, talk to a counselor. You mentioned you were laid off right now. This means you should also be eligible for medicaid. They will pay for mental health treatment for you. I was so blessed to be able to get the help myself. The feelings inside of me were literally making me sick and wearing me out. I was so angry all the time. Once I got help not only from mental health, but also when I expressed my very real feelings to my family about how they weren't being helpful at all and that I needed their support, I started to heal from those feelings. Also, there are caregiving places that will come in and help with chores too. You may have to look around your area, but please contact them and find out what needs to happen for them to come help you. If your mom protests, tell her flat out that you are only one person and can't take on the full responsibility of taking care of everything. I think that the person who does usually take on the responsibility of things that the others won't step up to do usually get overlooked by everyone because everyone in the family don't see the part of us caregivers that is drowning and needs help. They only choose to see their own needs and don't even notice we are drowning until we speak up and tell them. It may not come out all that nice when you do, but at least they will realize you really aren't superwoman and you need some help yourself sometimes. BTW- If you do apply for medicaid and tell them you are unemployed they will be able to put you on their JOBS program, which helps you find work. I hope this helps you. God bless you, and my prayers are with you. Please, Please, Please get yourself some help too.
We are not obligated to do anything, within human law, that means, to love,to step out of ourselves when the opportunity presents itself. To care for someone we might be harboring resentments for is a true test of character.
To practice unconditional love is to allow our spirits to soar beyond what we believe our physical needs or trivial persuits are. That does not mean to ignore our true needs and wants, or those of our other loved ones, but to find enough time
to administer to our sick parents in their time of need. Many of us have come from
dysfunctional family situations but to do what we know is right puts and end to that chain of events and enables us to dwell in the realm of the spirit, not easy or without cost to our egos.
I have been caregiving to my wife for 12 yrs. She is totally dependent on me and ther were times I wished for my life to end but in doing what I do I have awakened a new source of power in me to do the unexpected. I know I can love and be a loyal friend even to people who vex my spirit. A wise man once told me I cannot think myself into good actions, I can only act my way into good thinking and I think that is the whole purpose of this exercise called life. Reach within yourself and you will find that power and goodness.
I have a difficult mother, so I know much of what you are going through. Have you been caring for your mother for long? I get the feeling that you are still adjusting. Adjustment time can be a time of great anger about events that lead up to this point and worry about what the future holds. In your situation, I imagine you and your husband have these feelings. I wonder if there is a way that you could be content with how things are for the moment. You have a place to stay and food to eat. You have a task of helping your mother until you can find another job. The job might be irritating, but it gives you time to get back on your feet.
It is often hard to be content when taking care of seniors. Believe me, I know! After thinking about this seriously last night, though, I woke up this morning (my birthday) knowing that we can feel content independent of what was going on around us. It is easier to let things roll off our backs when we feel content.
BTW, I would forget the list thing for chores. That would probably just be seen as controlling. I hope you are able to find a job that you like soon. I'm glad that you have a safety net that will allow you time to look for one you like.
(That's in reference to this being like hell on earth in case anyone here was scratching their hands over it)
ba dum bump! crash