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Are they speaking about needs or complaining. ALWAYS validate complaints , before you respond , say: “If I understand you correctly, (and repeat the statement and ask is that right)?” “

“Mantra means a sacred utterance, numinous sound, or a syllable, word, phonemes, or group of words believed by some to have psychological and spiritual power”

I now have a new silent mantra, validate. I try to use it when I think someone is complaining.

Is a need a need or is it a complaint? Caregiver's needs are important, but not understanding about the need it is easy to see it as a complaint.
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Jessie, you have touched on one of the most painful aspects of caring for a loved one with dementia -- their inability to empathize with you and to recognize your needs and desires.

The desire to be served in a restaurant is pretty easy to fulfill. Go to restaurants without taking Mom. The desire to have our loved one recognize us as a person with needs and wants is not possible to satisfy. It hurts.

My husband and I had an especially equal relationship built on mutual respect. The way that dementia forced that to become one-sided was cruel. The certain knowledge that he would have done the same for me helped sustain me.
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I thought it would be good if we put together a Caregiver's Bill of Rights. Then I looked on Google and saw others had already done this. So much of our attention can be focused on our loved one that pretty soon we can start ignoring our own needs. We can put off getting help to come in because they don't want anyone in the house. We can put off eating healthy because these things "aren't fit to eat." We can put off our own health concerns as unimportant compared to theirs. And we can put off stating what we need because we don't want to start an argument.

Dementia is cruel to everyone around. It isn't short term, so we spend years suppressing our own needs, whether it be as simple as where to eat or as complicated as keeping a job to avoid future poverty. We really can't expect a person with dementia to understand a bill of rights, but we can use it as a guide to keep from hurting ourselves.
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Jessie, we had to cut out the restaurants where you get your own food, because my MIL wanders off if she is unattended. Poor Sis came back to the table last Monday and mom was no longer there. She just up and moved across the food court.
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its just not an easy trip . my mom lashed out at me several times in her last few weeks of life -- then i remembered her crying on the phone to me 15 yrs ago when dad was sick and hadnt long to live . he was being very difficult and remembering that helped me to discount her bitter outbursts . the outbursts were rare and actually trivial compared to the day to day bipolar i had to live with . men dont handle crying jags well . all in all it was hell on earth . im proud to have been there for mom but man it does age a person .. it also costs a fortune in lost wages that are never regained .
id still do it again , i think its a necessity and a proud calling . i live now with how i might have done a much better job but it sneaks up on you . one day your doing little things for a parent , then doing much more for what seems like an ungrateful parent , then a hospital visit divulges that the pita that youve been dealing with is actually advanced dementia and your parent will be gone in 6 months .
were not born knowing this crap .
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Jessie, the elderly are resistant to change of any kind. I'd make sure I take myself out to eat at a real restaurant from time to time, either alone or with a friend. Caregiver, care for thyself!
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Jessie, I had to smile when I read "throwing money away like crazy" just because you want to go to a regular restaurant. That's the Great Depression child talking. Surprised you're not using coupons at the fast food places :)

I shouldn't laugh, because my sig other and I do the very same thing. We won't eat out unless there is some realllllly good deal or we have a coupon. Last week we used the buy one, taken one home from Olive Garden. The weekend before we used coupons at Berger King :)

But I understand what you mean... I wish I had someone doing my grocery shopping because I dislike shopping... even though I am doing on-line grocery shopping, it is still the anguish of deciding what to get. I hate to cook, so it doesn't make it easy.

I would love someone to drive me to all my doctor's appointments... bet my blood pressure would be a lot lower.

My Mom will say that she and Dad need to go to the eye doctor this month for their 6 month checkup.... then I think, wait a minute, I haven't seen MY eye doctor in over a year. Or it is time to schedule their tri-annual checkup with their primary doctor, wait a minute, I haven't seen MY primary doctor is over a year.
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