Who can intervene with my mother?

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My 91 year old mother (dementia and near blindness) has been with me for well over a year. Her only focus is being in her own home, which is not possible. Believe me, I've looked into all options! WE CAN NOT TALK and she harbors 40 years of resentment for my being away in my adult life. She can't be in her home on her own AND at this rate she can't remain here if I am to survive. Who can intervene and talk/counsel her/us??? It is a totally negative relationship and getting worse by the day. Her doctor has explained her options. She tolerates it in his office and dismisses it otherwise. I'm looking at facilities later this week but don't know how I will get her into one if she isn't somewhat agreeable (and it will have to be via Medicaid). PLEASE HELP!

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dem29910, many facilities will assist with the Medicaid application. I don't know about the VA piece.
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I already have an application for Aid and Attendance Benefits for home care, but that seems to take forever. Can a facility expedite it? Will the people at the facilities I look at be able to help with all of that, including how to get her there? I am finally to the point of knowing that she needs to be someplace else. I just don't know how to go about it, especially with her likely unwillingness and Medicaid!!
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Was your mother a veteran of war or married to a veteran of war? I found out about VA benefits for these categories of people that provide support which can be used for Assisted Living costs (up to $2K per month for veterans and $1K for spouses) if assets are less than $80K.
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Does your Mother have a minister, trusted friend or other family member who could talk with her? I know how hard it is to be adult child and have to make the tough decisions however right they are for you and your Mother.

Being truthful and honest with Mom can be diffcult but continue to stress your decisions are based on taking the very best care of her, seeing that she is safe and comfortable. Your first responsibility is taking care of yourself. Being in a totally negative situation is not healthly for either one of you.

Another option is to get her doctor to recommend a home health care provider. They will visit, do an evaluation and explain the options available to you and your Mother. The social worker that comes out is trained in dealing and talking with the elderly. For whatever reason, our elderly loved ones tend to listen to perfect strangers.

I wish you both the very best!
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You may not be able to control your mother's decisions, but you can control your own. You can decide, for example, that you will not have mother stay in your home any later than May 31.

She has dementia and is nearly blind. I agree that she cannot live on her own. Does she own a house? What is its current status? (Rented out, sitting empty, its been sold, ??) She may insist on going to her house, so that's why I'm asking about its status.

I suspect what she needs is a memory care unit. Is that what you are looking at? And are you limiting your search to facilities that do accept Medicaid? Talk to the Senior's Helpline or the Department of Aging or whatever is available in your area, explaining the problem (that you are no longer willing/able to care for your mother in her home and she refuses to consider other options) and asking for advice. In some states you may need to service legal notice in order to evict your mother against her wishes. Look into that and start taking the appropriate steps.

Poor mother with her dementia may not be able to really grasp the doctor's explanations, even if she appears to. And she may not be able to stop obsessing on your being away. But whether she understands them or not, you have a right to make decisions in your own best interest.

I suspect that there was a reason you spent your adulthood away from her. Was your childhood considerably less than ideal?
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