Why do I feel alone in caregiving?

msTish, you have kept the spirit of the promise. No one can guarantee that a person won't have to go to a care home. It's best not to make the promise, but we often do, and we believe we can handle it forever. But the time comes when we need help.

You are anything but selfish, msTish. You need to take care of yourself, and that may mean a nursing home for your mother-in-law.

And Fanci - your isolation is natural. Isolation is the hallmark of the caregiver. That is one reason online forums help - who has time to go out to a caregivers group? We've had many in my area fold, not because people aren't interested, but because they can't get away. Please keep coming back and talking. We can't change anything physically, but we can listen and understand.
Carol

My heart goes out to those feeling isolated and alone as the caregiver. I share that as well. At first my husband did not understand but we have a strong relationship and he has come around to being a good support.

For me it was best to tell him that while "we" are in this together that he is really at work and this caregiving thing is truly just "me" alone doing this. He gets it. I also ask him not to lecture or try to fix anything... that I need hugs and understanding from him.. a shoulder to lean on and to know that he is on my side and in my corner. He has really gotten good at it. He says little but ALWAYS listens and gives me hugs.

It really helps to see a psychologist. REALLY HELPS. The one I have seen off and on for the past 5 years or so actually has alot of experience in geriatrics and it is very helpful. There is no way to pull a good therapist out of the sky.. you just have to meet with them and get the right feeling and know they are the right one for you. I would highly recommend this. Most insurance plans have generous coverage and many counselors have sliding scales.

I have cried a million tears, had anxiety attacks, made myself sick and more.. there is no easy way. I think to myself.. Wow! I thought life would be so much easier when your children grow up and you are nearing retirement. However, I never thought about the situation I am in now. It's tough. It is a lonely road so seek comfort from a good friend, a counselor a group or online forums. It really does help. Also journaling helps you to vent those feelings. For a long time I felt guilty feeling the things I have felt. It took alot for me to join this forum and be writing in a public place but I have to protect myself.

Self care. Take care of you! The more you try to be good to you and allow yourself to know that your feelings are natural and normal the more you will accept it in yourself and things will get a bit easier. This will never be an easy road but I am proof positive that you have "heal yourself" alot. I am light years
ahead of where I was with this a year ago.

Chin up, put on your big girl panties. We are women! Hear us roar :) Hugs

Thank you. My husband says he will help, or try to talk but then goes right back to being the way he is. He is this way: he just sits in front of the tv and when I talk to him he says nothing but shrugs his shoulders or shakes/nods his head. He has had brain surgery and ever since then he is this way. I know that there may be nothing I can do except be a caregiving wife. It gets lonely, depressing, and then there are times I go through life doing my work and chores at home and life is ok. I go through down times and the up times are ok. I have sought caregiving counseling and am waiting for it. Thanks, I did not realize that I sounded like a parent. But, I know I feel like one! I really don't feel like I have a husband anymore. That is what I miss ALOT! I will tell my counselor. Thank you so much for answering!

Many of these post are older, when someone answers them it brings them up again on the recent activity list, which imho is a very good thing. If people didn't get to see and answer older questions then what would be the point in leaving them on here? It gives us something fresh to look at. New point of views, that's one reason a person can find sooo much information on this website. New people have new things to add all the time. For some reason when I started this thread someone let me know it was old to, but I was responding to something that pertained to my situation, so i"m glad it was still on here. I just ignored the whole "this is an old question thing" they are trying to be nice and helpful. Please do not be insulted and go somewhere else this is a wonderful website, with lots of information, and a whole lotta people who care about one another.

I have been handling my husbands worsening dementia alone.. I have so much anger, I didn't know where it was coming from. I suddenly realized,late last night, that I was angry because I wanted everything to be the same as it always was. I started crying with relief. I know now I need professional help to get through this continuing process. I shall begin that journey, finding a therapist today. Wish me luck and thanks for a place to vent.

bhjos and Annie, I know what you're talking about. I work from home. It is so isolated here, because no one visits. I've thought about inviting people over to try to make things better, but my mother likes to sit in her old ragged pajamas all day long. She looks a mess. She doesn't want company, but then is upset because no one comes to see her. I know the company she wants to see are her sons and family. They are the big blank spot in her life. I'm here all the time, but she doesn't seem to like me much. It makes me miserable to spend too much time with her. She watches The Waltons much of the day. I think they are like family to her. She probably wishes that she had family like that.

One problem I have is that I have so much to do here, working and taking care of the things around the house. At the same time I have the need to get out and be with people. Often my own work goes ignored because I need to get out. I think of how much better it would be if I had my own family about to keep me company so I wouldn't have to go out looking for someone to talk to. I don't need a lot of people about, but living alone in this house of despair is more than I can bear every day.

People talk about how rewarding elder care is. I mainly see it as lonely and depressing. I wish things were different, but it is what it is. I just try to stay happy, no matter what I'm doing. Sometimes that works. Other times I just get angry that it has come down to this.

Every day I get more disgusted with how many caregivers ( and the person they care for) just get out right abandoned by family. I have 4 siblings and to be so ALONE in the care for my mother is the WORST thing that has ever happened in my life, even worse than death. I have grieved the loss of my family as it used to be and will probably never talk to some again in my life. Why would I. If you abandon me in my worst moment why in gods name would I want you around for anything else ??

Hi Fancicoffee

I am wondering if you are a caregiver to your husband or parent. I'm thinking you are talking about your husband? Sounds like counseling would be good. Does husband know how alone you feel? Can he or has he done anything to help? I know that even though my husband does try I still feel alone sometimes. That is just the way it is. I do get counseling. Sometimes I have my down days and it is hard. I take antidepressant med but a low dose. Will increase it in future. I have learned that the loniness is a part of me. Sadness, depression runs in my family. Plus I lost my son almost 3 years ago. I wish you luck and the best in finding your way to more hapiness and less lonliness.

Cindi

Fanci I feel for you. I didn't know he had brain surgery and now is like that. Heck, I had a husband who was like that without brain surgery. You may be mildly depressed. My counselor told me to increase my anti depressant or go see dr to do that when I asked her what do you take for emotional pain. You might miss male company.

Cindi

i can't shake this feeling of being alone. Funny that my mom-in-law is right up my butt all day but it just isn't the same. My husband never listens when i tell him i am burn't out .I have been caring for hiss mother since may by myself. Sometimes he will put her to bed, and up in the am, but thats only if he doesn't have a friend that needs him. I always think what am i .. am i not worthy of your time. The thought of spending one more day in this house by myself while he's out running with friends is going to kill me. I am a high anxiety person and being so idel inside is making me crazy. For a year I have been taking 5 mg aof valium a day, but lately i seem to have increased my dose to about 15 mgs aday. This is no way to cope, My children are grown and from the time they left mmy husband and i had a great empty nest life, we did everything ttogether. Then i started taking care of his mother and he has just disappeared from our marriage. I feel like room mates, not lovers. I don't want my life to be this way and no one is listening. What happens to her if I just pack up and leave. Is it worth it to end the marriage to the man i know is my. or once was my soul mate. Why would he pull away like this when i am doing everything to keep his mother in her home,