Okay, I'll try to be brief. I am not an only child but raised as such, with a new husband and her other kids all over 16, my mom (and dad) adopted me.
Her daughters and I are sisters but her son resents me and I am the object of his pain in regard to losing his dad as a young teenager.
Because of these hard feelings (all his,none mine), and him being the only male in the family, my two sisters (one has already passed) follow his lead...which is that he gives no support whatsoever...
They all live out of state. They are all comfortable. They all love their mom as much as me, I presume...no bad blood in our family or radical dysfunction (we are lucky in that!).
I know without a doubt that if it were ANYONE ELSE in the family but me here, giving up all my own life to take care of mom voluntarily and for no reason other than she's my mom, that she would have everything she needed all the time and would not lack for anything. She and her caregiver (if it weren't me) would not have to try to make it on her $1200 a month.
Up until the last year and a half, I was able to make money with a small home business but mom's care comes first and at this point, it is total. I moved in to keep her out of the nursing home and so far I am capable although I do need some help. Help we cannot afford but which the others could spare some to help with...and it is impossible to make it on this much money with the way prices have gone up. We are falling behind and I have been trying to think of ways to get us out of this rut.
But then, this site inspired me to a new plan I had never considered. I am going to write a detailed letter laying the whole situation out and send it to all three of them via email. I am going to express that his hard feelings toward me are affecting his mother's comfort and her health and causing unnecessary stress for me, her caregiver. Whom, as I will point out as I did here...would be far less stressed and stretched if it were anyone but me.
I will suggest that they can pay utility and insurance payments directly and give the info...I will also set up a wish list at Amazon where I buy much of mom's supplies since we live in a small town and since it is easier for me to have things delivered instead of leaving to shop. I will request a little bit for respite when needed, to be provided by the HHC we always choose when we have HHC, through private pay CNA services. That way, when I do get away, I can go without worry and mom is in good hands that are accountable and reliable.
And if her son, who has a habit of wanting to delve into her personal business and try to get her to change things around to his wishes...asks to see any legal paperwork about inheritance or POA's, etc., I will refer him to my mother's lawyer who is prepared for just such a referral.
Mom changed everything to me a couple of years back when she got the nerve to do it...she'd been hesitant about what her son would say about taking him off POA and he and my sister off DPOA and leaving me the house as I am the only one without my own house and have lived with her ten years already, spending the good earning years of my life with her, instead of building my own future...
So I can delegate others to help with this things if they are willing but do not have to cede general overseeing to anyone and do not have to give up my caregiver position in the area of care.
I have been wanting to send updates to all of them for a while but he's made me uncomfortable in doing this. Now I will clear the air and hopefully get them involved to the point they are comfortable and able and then, when mom's gone...we will all feel we did all we could, etc.
What do you all think?