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In June, my 12 other siblings and I got together in Oklahoma and celebrated my our Mom's 90th birthday. There's 13 of us and we are all still in the land of the living, thank God for that, but, we are so spread out. I live in OKC, I have a sister and brother who lives 110 miles away in Oklahoma, and the rest of them are located in Seattle, WA and Portland, OR. Mom has been in Oklahoma with me since 2008, but her Alzheimer's has progressed and she is entering into her final stages and my life has changed. In December 2010 I married a wonderful man, who just stepped in and helped me with my Mom as if she was his won, however, he is a Minister, and the ministry had begin to grow and my husband is needing more from me in assisting with the ministry because he has a full time job as well and I'm retired. So, our life had changed drastically, not to mentioned we have not had a honeymoon yet. As Mom's health declined, most of my 12 siblings did visit as often as they could as well as help financially. But, in June after the 90th birthday celebration, we had a family meeting and we all made the decision that Mom needed to be in a facility that could give her 24 hour round the clock care because me nor my husband was getting any sleep. Mom is in her Sundowner stages, very delusional, falling a lot, because she refuses to use her walker, the list just goes on and on. They found a great Memory Care Facility in Milwaukie, Oregon, which is very close to most of them. Last week My Sister and Brother who lives in Oklahoma boarded a plane with Mom taking her to Portland to make this transition. It was agreed that all 13 of us would be with Mom when she made this transition to the Memory Care Facility because we knew she would never understand why she's not able to stay with any of her children, especially me, as she had started calling me.."MOM". Everyone has lives and those that are willing to care for her have jobs, children, grandchildren, etc and then there's those sibling who we wouldn't trust caring for her (smile), if you get my drift......And, because of the level of care Mom is now needing we know that this type of facility is best for her. We are allowed to go to the facility anytime of the day or night to see her, we are allowed to spend the night with her anytime we desire, we are allowed to take her out for church, family dinners, etc. We are even given the pass code to get in upon our arrival day or night. So, we are all satisfied with the level of care she will be receiving.... So, what's the problem you ask? The problem is that I'm having separation issues. I started crying the day I begin packing her things and shipping them to Portland. The day we boarded the plane I cried. We were in Portland for a week and on the morning of the 14th we boarded a plane coming back to Oklahoma. I cried all the way home and have cried every day and night since I've been home. Coming into the house knowing she was not here really, really, hurt and I cried so bad. My husband does his best to console me, but it hurts him to see me hurting. Today is my birthday and I have spent most of the day crying. I miss my mother so much and even though I know this is best for her, and I know she's getting great care, it still hurts.... I feel like I have failed her some how, I feel guilty, and I feel lost. Has anyone ever experienced this before. I just can't seem to shake these awful feelings. I have freedom to finally enjoy being married to my wonderful husband and I'm sitting around crying. How do I turn off the faucet?

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Hello,
I will pray for you also to have strength. But I agree with everyone's post. You did the best you could for her and you will still be there for her in anyway you can. My Mom is in assisted living now for the last 6 months, I was her caregiver and my father's for the last eight years. They were never hard to take care of . I was able to just give them support and help with things and make sure they had the best life I could help them have. My heart aches for her being an hour and ten minutes away instead of two blocks away. I spent almost everyday with her and loved her and gave her everything I could. My family wanted her there I don't believe she needed to be and I still don't. But it sounds like your mom really reached the point where she needed more than home care. I am trying to focus on God and not the situation but love goes so deep and I will pray for your heart to heal. It is a process of grieving. Send her things even if you are not sure she understands them keep yourself in her life advocate from a distance and enjoy your time with your wonderful husband. You are an angel. Prayers and Love and much respect.
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Good Morning to all of you who responded to my question. Today, is Friday and unfortunately I woke up with tears in my eyes, but my wonderful Husband immediately begin praying for me and asked God to stop the flow of tears. I had to call the medical supply company to come pick up their bed and oxygen tanks, which was a teary phone call. But, I want to give ALL of your responses a HUGE thank you because they were truly a blessing to me. Sometimes when you are so close to a situation, you miss a lot of what God is trying to tell you. Your responds are so touching to me and my Husband and believe it or not I am feeling better. thanks to all of you. My Husband and I read them together and we both had tears in our eyes, but they were tears of joy. Just knowing that God has placed Angels to watch over his children, even on social media..... Again, thanks for caring and may God continue to bless each of you and keep you in His care. My Husband says.............May God bless EACH of you, he want you all to know that your kind work is uplifting hearts each and everyday........
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You have done nothing morally, ethically, or legally wrong to feel guilty about. Go on the honeymoon that you and your husband never had! I think your separation issues from your mother will ease as you focus upon your marriage. If not, it might be helpful to see a therapist to get past this because all of this crying might be a symptom of situational depression.
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Do you remember how it was as a teenager when you had a boyfriend and then you broke up? You were sick to your stomach, your heart ached and all you could do was cry. When did you stop hurting? Did these feelings stop immediately or did it take a while? What did you do to get over the loss?

I know your Mom leaving you is not like an old boyfriend, but it will take time to get over your Mom being gone and in the meantime you need to get busy, possibly helping your husband with the church and duties he needs help with. All things are possible through God who strengthens you!

You love your Mom deeply which is so wonderful to know. You will continue to love her and hopefully appreciate the fact that you can now get a full nights sleep. I know you actually miss seeing her and caring for her and you had become her "Mom" at least in her mind. You need to be proud of yourself and the level of care you were able to give her for all this time and praise God that he brought you a wonderful husband who helped you care for her! You are greatly Blessed!

The older I become, the more I believe I see God's hand in things that happen in our lives. Maybe you can be a blessing to others in your church and area who may be faced with issues that you encountered with your Mom and you can help them with information and support. Maybe you will realize you have a new "calling."????

I purchased this little frame from a store that says, "Give Thanks for Unknown Blessings Already On Their Way"
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God bless you, sweetie. You love your Mom dearly. You are a good daughter and your Mom knows you love her. It's natural to feel the pain of separation here on earth. You miss seeing her every day - and, believe it or not, you miss caring for her and showing her love. You plainly miss her. I understand. Bless you.

I pray God gives you His peace and helps you to rejoice in this new season of your life, and your new marriage. I pray your Mom feels comforted and that the LORD calms her spirit and that your other siblings who live near her will visit her frequently.
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Happy Birthday !! Give yourself the best gift of all .. appreciation! I can understand you are feeling emotional but now it is time to THANK YOURSELF for being such a loving, caring, selfless person and such a wonderful daughter to your mum. She has been so lucky to have you give her all of the time and attention these past 5 years. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You need to feel proud of yourself. Your mum has reached a new stage in her life that requires more care than you can give. Go give your hubby a hug and start living your life. Happy Birthday :-)
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